Thursday, February 11, 2016

Rebel by Callie Heart

1 Star
Gluttony thou hath a name – and thy name is Kelly . . . .

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This was the book that caused my enjoyment of the motorcycle porno mechanical journal to cease – momentarily that is, because I immediately picked up a new one after this failure and it’s back on like Donkey Kong, Jack. Alright. Y’all ready for this????? Be forewarned - there will be spoilage. Now all aboard the Hot Mess Express . . .

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(Sidenote: Did you know if you Google “hot mess” a whole bunch of Courtney Love gifs will show up. That amuses me to no end.)

Rebel is the first in a series (ack not a series!!!!) and I hated it pretty much immediately. But I am a big girl who does not know how to DNF a book so I buckled down and confronted things head on – with just a little bit of help from a good friend . . . .

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This whole book was just a mess. To begin with it’s another one of those “female lead falls in love with her captor who isn’t really even a captor, but instead is pretending to be in order to keep her safe” storylines. Why in the name of all that is holy do these sumbitches not just f’ing tell the broad what’s really going on?!?!?!?!? Drives me batshit. On top of that, “Rebel” the biker drives some sort of crotchrocket instead of a Harley. Um no thank you please. PLUUUUUUUUS they wear hoodies. Seriously? Hoodies?!?!?!?!

All of the superficial Judgey McJudgerson bologna aside, then we get to the plot. There’s a lot of it so pay attention. Sophia witnesses a murder and is captured by superbadguy son of a drug cartel leader so he can make with the bangbang and keep her as a sex prisoner. Daddy Dearest somehow is the stupidest M-F’er in the history of drug lords and lets Sophia be sold to the highest bidder. Enter Rebel (and his hoodie) to fork over the cash. Turns out he has a connection to dead dude and needs Sophia alive to help nail the bad guys. But they’re really all bad guys and run drugs and guns and WTF you’re seriously considering a court of law being the place to avenge this death? Weird. Anyshits – add in another superbadGIRL this time (because yay equality) and things get even more convoluted and also there is a gross voyeurish sex scene full of squick and all sorts of no . . . .

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THEN add in Rebel’s father who is Donald Trump the farking Governor of Alabama or some shit and Rebel and Sophia attending a fundraiser. What the what?!?!?!?!

Still with me? Okay, so alllllllllllllllllll of this is happening and, of course, Sophia’s “body is betraying her” and the same old song and dance because – well, because it’s a porno and it wouldn’t be complete without some magic penis . . .

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The action comes to a head (hehehehehe that's what she said) with the two having sex outside at the event like up against a concrete pillar or some such nonsense rather than in a nice comfy bed inside the mansion or even on the kitchen table or something. I mean concrete pillar? That sounds delightful (NOT). Holy cement burn, Batman.

Anyway, this 100% DID. NOT. WORK. for me and by the cliffhangery end I was all . . .

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Good news is, this puppy costs ZERO dollars right now on Amazon so you’re not out anything if you hate it. Better news is I read almost everything wrong and everyone else will probably love it.

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