Monday, August 31, 2015

The Boss by Abigail Barnette

18760008
1 Star
 
ME - the biggest prude in the history of ever just read a BDSM book . . .

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So basically if this . . .

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and this . . . .

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had a baby you would pretty much end up with something like The Boss. The good news is, the dom/sub stuff wasn’t totally rapey like 50 Shades and the male lead wasn’t a complete and total creeper. The bad news is, I still didn’t like it.

Sophie and Neil met six years ago when the flight they were supposed to be on to Tokyo got cancelled. Rather than going their separate ways, Neil was all like . . .

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and Sophie was indeed down. That night she let go of all of her inhibitions and let Neil completely dominate her in the sack. Nothing has ever lived up to that experience. When Neil walks through the door of the fashion magazine wear Sophie works and declares himself her new boss, she’s thrown for a loop. Luckily, Neil remembers her as well and is totes ready to play some “secretary” on the D.L. . . . .

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Of course, Neil realizes that it won’t work to constantly think about banging his assistant when he has a business to run, so he gives Sophie a promotion . . .

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Ha! Just kidding. I mean, she gets a promotion but she was already on the short-list for it to begin with. After that, things get complicated. I mean eyeroll worthy complications that made me get all . . . .

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leading right in to Book #2 – which I will not be reading. #duh

Okay, so as I said the sex was actually consensual this time around, but seriously these two did it ALL. THE. TIME. There was actually a decent “subplot” which should have been the main focus, but Neil’s boner and Sophie’s “sopping” (barf) ladygarden got in the way and instead it was like 75% . . . .

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Until I was screaming “NO MORE YANKY MY WANKY – THE DONGER NEED FOOD!”

There was also too much use of certain terms, like the aforementioned “sopping” (seriously, barf) as well as “splayed” – splayed hands across the small of her back, splayed hands on her bum, legs all splayed apart. GET A THESAURUS! I also have to mention the prude factor that makes things like this . . .

“If I wanted pineapple, I would eat pineapple. When I eat pu$$y, I’d prefer it to taste like pu$$y. And yours is fantastic.”

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Ew. Let’s reserve that for the “you are NEVER allowed to say things like that out loud to me and expect to do it ever again” file.

Addicted to You by Krista and Becca Ritchie

22296542
1 Star
 
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Lily and Lo have spent their entire lives keeping each other’s secrets. While Lo hits the bottle all day every day, Lily likes to hit up various clubs . . . .

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When she can’t find some random strange to hit and quit it with in a toilet stall, she resorts to Plan B . . .

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She also spends THE FIRST THIRD OF THE G.D. BOOK reminding the reader over and over and over again how Lo makes her so horny (*sings oh me so horny – me so horny – me love you long time*), but they did it once a long time ago and can’t do it again because it will ruin their friendship, and even though he constantly leads her on and is all . . . .

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she doesn’t ever take the hint and instead chooses to remind him incessantly that he shouldn’t do things like that to a sex addict while still wanting him to do stuff like that to a sex addict and oh for Jeebus’ sake . . . .

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Which, of course, they finally do, but seriously for being a NA story with a disclaimer about all of the mature content as well as being about a SEX ADDICT there sure wasn’t a whole lotta sex – it was more fade to black and innuendo rather than straight up . . . .

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Plus, even though there were only around 325 pages to this book it felt like about eleventy trillion with all of the nothing happening except for bitching about needing to f*&^ all the time and the not-helping each other ever like STOP their totally unhealthy lifestyles until the very end which OF COURSE ended in a stupidass cliffhanger and no. Just no. I know this was supposed to really hit the old emotions, but for me????

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Congrats to all of you who enjoyed this one. Obviously I did not.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Feng Shui and Charlotte Nightingale by Pam Ferderbar

25519318
2.5 Stars
 
If you follow my reviews, you’ll know this is the week I dove right in to the deep end of all Romance all the time. Most of the selections have been pretty porntastic up until now. This selection was chosen for one reason and one reason alone . . . .

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Mmmmmm, Harry : )

Oh. Em. Gee. this would make an adorable movie. The entire time I was picturing Kristen Bell as the lead because . . . well, because she is awesome at playing a hot mess female MC in RomComs . . .

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and I was picturing Harry Shum, Jr. as the male lead because of . . . reasons . . .

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Feng Shui & Charlotte Nightingale is the story of one poor girl and her terrible luck at life. Charlotte works (and is subsequently fired) from a shitty job, she’s dating a real skeez who dreams of being the next Frank Sinatra . . .

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her place is a mess - I mean we’re talking one step away from someone needing to call Adult Protective Services on her behalf . . .

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and to top it all off there’s never enough running water to even take a dang shower.

Enter Kwan, the delivery boy from the local Chinese restaurant owned by his family . . .

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Ha! I wish. No, Kwan sets his sights on eliminating some of the disorder from Charlotte’s life in hopes to help align her chi. It doesn’t take long before Charlotte sees her luck turning around. I’ll refrain from ruining everything with [SPOILERS] and leave it with nearly the entire cast coming together in the “bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire” . . .

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Sorry. Channeled my inner Elvis for a second there. Anyway, if you’re looking for something super light to read during these final days of summer that is just completely over-the-top and ends with realizing your mandarin duck was there all along . . .

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This might be the book for you.

If you’re looking for some . . .

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(FYI - That’s the Glee version of hump city)

you should probably look elsewhere.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 
Thank you, NetGalley!

Friday, August 28, 2015

Spiral of Need by Suzanne Wright

25390016
3 Stars
 
Do you really even need a synopsis? It’s werewolf porn. That makes me say . . .

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Not even sorry. I luuuuuuurv me some werewolves . . . .

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Alright alright – here’s a plot summary. (If you’ve read much werewolf stuff you’ll probably recognize it.) Ally is a lone wolf (*hyuck hyuck*). Orphaned as a child she was adopted by a “foster family” who raised her and has spent her adult years moving from pack to pack. Due to a serious case of sour grapes with the Beta female of her current pack, it’s time for Ally to move on – and due to a favor owed by Mercury Pack member Derren to Ally’s foster brother Cain, it’s up to his pack to take her in and offer her protection until Cain is released from prison. There’s only one problem – Ally is not only a shifter, but also a “Seer” – and Derren has a biiiiiiig problem with Seers. You know what that means, right?????

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Exactly. And then . . .

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If you’re in to alpha males (well, technically he’s a Beta – but he likes to be in charge when it comes to quality time in the sack) and seriously taking it to pound town this one will probably be right up your alley. The plot was interesting and although I figured out early on who it was who was up to no good it held my interest. Spiral of Need is also apparently a spin-off from a previous series, but there were enough snippets given regarding prior characters/scenarios that I never felt out of the mix. And as familiar as the love/hate werewolf storyline was, there were a couple of new things for me – like a gay werewolf couple. Unfortunately they were only on screen for about two pages and were only mentioned due to their love for interior decorating (way to really break the stereotype there Suzanne Wright), but at least it was acknowledged that not all werewolves would be hetero. I also learned about the most sacred gift a female were can give to her mate . . .

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Wow. Didn’t expect that.

Anyway, if you’re like me and use the classification “Because He Looks Like A Werewolf” as a descriptor when speaking to your significant other, you should probably check this out. Examples of the aforementioned terminology are as follows:

SCENARIO 1

Husband: What are you watching?

Me: Teen Wolf . . .

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Husband: Good Christ, those boys are like 12!

Me: *too busy drooling to speak*

SCENARIO 2

Husband: Oh, you’re going to watch Big Brother with me and the kids?

Me: Yeah, Austin looks like he could be a werewolf . . . .

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SCENARIO 3

Husband: You’ve been listening to The Killers a lot lately.

Me: Yeah, Brandon Flowers looks like a very metrosexual werewolf . . .

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SCENARIO 4

Husband: You’re going to watch the Royals game?!?!?!?!

Me: They’re playing the Orioles. Manny Machado looks like a baby werewolf . . .

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SCENARIO 5

Husband: Honey that Volkswagen commercial with the werewolf-looking-mofo is on again.

Me: BEST. HUSBAND. EVER!!!!!

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ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 
Thank you, NetGalley!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Do You Want To Play With My Balls by The Cifaldi Brothers illustrated by Santiago Elizalde

24221953
5 Stars
 
This seems like a fitting choice to add to this week’s reading list . . . .

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Take your momma’s advice, Louie. My husband wishes he could say that to me more frequently, but I’m a smart girl and learned about choking hazards a long time ago.

This book also teaches children important lessons about sharing and being helpful . . .

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as well as treating someone else’s balls with the proper respect . . .

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and about avoiding germs . . .

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Ewwwww. Don’t let your dog lick other kids’ balls!!!!

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You are sooooo right Daryl. This is a CHILDREN’S BOOK FOR CHRIST SAKE!

*countdown to someone telling me that this is actually not a kid’s book in 3, 2 . . . *

If You Don't Know Me By Now by A.L. Michael

25618970
2.5 Stars
 
Let me begin with some . . . .

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I say it all the time that my reactions to books are based 99% on timing. I could read something one day and give it 5 Stars but would have 1 Starred and raged out if I read it a month before or after. I’m also extremely hard to please when it comes to romance novels so 2.5 Stars actually ain’t half bad. The biggest problem I had with If You Don’t Know Me By Now (aside from the title – WTF does that title have to do with the plot??? Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING) was that I had read Ugly Love only a few weeks before and it was just so much better.

That’s a side effect of using the all-too-family-tired-trope – your stuff will end up getting compared to the work of others. If You Don’t Know Me By Now has a couple of familiar themes – the first being that of the girl who moves to the city with big dreams (in this case Imogen dreams of being a successful writer), but has to settle for a crap job in the meantime . . .

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However, Imogen finds that as a barista she gets plenty of inspiration for what to write about. With the encouragement of fellow coffee slinger Declan (we’ll get to him in a minute), Imogen starts a blog . . . which of course immediately goes from zero hits to eleventy trillion . . .

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Just go with it. Now let’s get back to Declan and tired trope #2 – the “manwhore who isn’t looking for a serious relationship but still wants to bang.” Even though Imogen has pretty much nill in the department of sexytimes experience she decides to give no-strings-attached lovin’ with Declan a whirl. You know . . .

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Right. Friends . . .

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Y’all know how this turns out, right?????

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followed up by a HEA and some more of this . . .

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All in all this wasn’t a bad book. As farfetched as the idea of someone starting a blog and ending up writing a column in a nanosecond was, I found the entries to be witty and pretty spot-on with respect to entitled customers. This one also featured fade-to-black PG-13 kind of lovemaking, which worked just fine for me. I never quite fell for Declan (mainly because he was in a band that probably sang songs like this . . .

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#puke)

but I thought the twist of why he was such a smarmy commitment phobic chick banger was interesting and not something I’ve read to death already. I just wish it wouldn’t have been glossed over so quickly.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 
Thank you, NetGalley!