Saturday, September 30, 2017

Funny Amazon Reviews Performed by Top Comedians Hosted by Jane Lynch


35607052
3 Stars

Some of you may know that this past weekend it was my turn to take the oldest on a roadtrip to play some baseball. Since I am a person who pretty much develops narcolepsy once in a motor vehicle, I had to find a way to pass the time/perk my interest/keep us alive. Thanks to my friend Optimist, Funny Amazon Reviews was downloaded (for zero dollars, natch, as I am nothing if not poor) and provided both the son and I some quality hardy-hars for about half of our journey (in case you are curious, the other half was spent belting out everything by the Florida Georgia Line at the top of our lungs since the hubs wasn’t along to enforce the “no singing” rule).

This selection is exactly what the title says it is – funny Amazon reviews read by celebrities. Most of the choices have reached some sort of viral fame – the most memorable probably being the “Bic for Women” pens that had females all around the world asking . . . . .



OF COURSE THEY CAN! I mean, those grocery lists aren’t going to write themselves, are they? And just look what happened when boxes of these showed up at an International Women’s Day conference . . . .



Poor guy, he should know better than to try and use things developed strictly for women. He probably got a yeast infection simply from touching it!

The other unforgettable set of reviews featured a pack of wolves on a t-shirt . . . .



According to the narration by Jane Lynch (who was looking at reviews in order to find gifts for friends and family), this was a possible option for young Taylor Lautner. I’m thinking she doesn’t really know him, though, because it’s pretty much common knowledge that at some point everyone asks the question . . . .



To which I say NO THANK JEEBUS!!!!!



I should punch Jane Lynch right in her hoo for even thinking about changing the status quo.

Anyway, this was free and it was fun. We eventually made it to our destination . . . . .



And arrived at a baseball diamond literally in the middle of a cornfield . . . .



The kid pitched his innings and gave up no runs, played solid in the outfield corners, laid down a quality sacrifice bunt, got walked and got a hit . . . .

 

Friday, September 29, 2017

TTYL by Lauren Myracle


301023
3.5 Stars




When I first started TTYL I figured what the powers-that-be thought of as “offensive” material was the fact that the entire thing was written in text format . . . .



Any “adult content” - and trust me when I say I’m using that term for lack of anything better because really the “controversial” subject matter was regarding a teacher who might have been a . . . .



And realizing that wanting to be popular might not end up being all you thought it would be because sometimes you find out this about your new “friends” . . . .



It was all delivered in very much a PG-rated way. The real story here was simply the daily goings on between three besties for the resties told via text. You have naïve, sweet little Zoe . . . .



Snarky Maddie . . .



And always-has-her-eye-on-a-new-potential-crush Angela . . .



There’s not much else to say. Well, except to the people who want to ban books. Scootch up real close so I can tell you something . . . .



This book was about as benign as it could get while still having a bit of real-life issues thrown in. It was cute and relatable, but definitely not something that would change anyone’s life. I would put money that most kids who read this will only have a vague recollection of it once they are grown (unless they have an eidetic memory). Wanting this banned just shows what a giant asshole you are.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

The Earth, My Butt & Other Big Round Things by Carolyn Mackler

253106
4 Stars




Here’s an important message to all of the people who made this selection top the Banned Books List . . . .



Do you actually think that by removing stories like these from school libraries that it will also magically eliminate any nastiness from ever occurring to your speshul snowflakes???? I mean, I understand that Virginia might not be everyone’s idea of a great time, but silencing her won’t keep the superbadawful stuff from happening.

The good news is, I loved Virginia enough for at least 20 or 25 naysayers. And I loved the messages contained in this little slice of awesome even more. Sure things got wrapped up in a tidier way than would happen in real life, but it’s a YA book FFS. What’s the message supposed to be? “Everything is horrible and life sucks?” That’s what the grit lit genre is for.

So what kind of things are within the pages of this little gem? Well, I’ll tell you. But first, to all the helicopter parents out there . . . .



The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things tells some straight up truths such as . . . .

“Losing your virginity is sloppy and painful and about as fun as getting your toe amputated, so it should definitely happen with someone you care about.”

Virginia learns that maybe her brother didn’t really deserve to be put up on a pedestal like she always thought when he gets kicked out of college . . .



And discovers that while she feels this way . . . .

“I know what it’s like to hate your body so much that you want to hurt it.”

Even a person who she thought was perfect, might be hiding the truth about what they do to get there.

Most importantly, Virginia eventually comes to terms with the fact that this line of thinking is disgusting . . . .



Because everyone deserves friendship and love – no matter their size.

I loved watching Virginia find her voice and realize that . . . .

“I think people can choose to be victims or they can choose to be empowered and to carry on. That’s what I want. To be empowered.”

Highly recommended.

And to any youngster who might be reading this review who can relate to Virginia. Please remember . . . .


Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan


510632
2 Stars




2.5 Stars

This is one of those times where I really wish Goodreads had half stars, because this was a classic case of a perfectly average book. Killing Mr. Griffin went on my TBR simply for the fact that when I Googled “banned books” it was one of the first I hadn’t already read (and that I might want to) that popped up. I have to admit, if I were a teacher and saw a kid reading a title like this, I might want to disappear all the copies from the school right quick too!

The story here is one that is probably familiar to most . . . .

“That Griffin’s the sort of guy you’d like to kill.”
“Well, why don’t we then?”


But not really. The plan is to get revenge on the literature teacher who has made a group of student lives’ hell all year. They’ll kidnap Brian Griffin . . .


(No relation)

Drive him out to the middle of nowhere, make him beg for his freedom while promising to stop being such a shit human being and then let him go. The only thing no one expected? Mr. Griffin’s heart condition. The rest of the story is just how far they are willing to go in order to make sure their little escapade remains under wraps.

There’s a chance I would have been more generous with my rating, if a truly horribly executed bait and switch hadn’t been attempted. My initial thought was “good lord, for something published in 1990 this seems REALLY dated.” Then I noticed the original publication date was 1978. It’s not the worst thing in the world for a book not to stand the test of time, and really the subject matter here was waaaaaay provocative for young adult at the time.

That being said, allow me a moment to offer a nickel’s worth of free advice to the powers that be: DO NOT TRY AND EDIT BITS OF A BOOK TO MAKE IT SEEM NEW. Not unless you’re going to re-write the whole shebang. You can’t make the occasional edit by throwing in references to things like DVDs and cell phones, without eliminating all of the left-in blasts from the past like girls getting phone calls on the family LANDLINE or riding around in cars with bench seats . . . . .



But the best had to be wishing they had an iPod while burying the body because . . .

“A little music makes work go faster. Besides, there’s always music at funerals. We could pick out some good songs for this one. ‘Down by the Old Mill Stream’ would be appropriate, or that Scottish thing, ‘Where, oh, where, has my highland laddie gone?”



Have no fear, though, as an attempt was quickly made to modernize this with reference to “that old group, the Grateful Dead” . . . . . Only to have the train fall completely off the rails again with “Brush Away the Blue-Tail Fly” . . . .



I had to Google that one. Burle friggin’ Ives sang it – in 1964. You know who Burle Ives is????



By the time I was finished reading I was thinking 1978 might have been a re-pub date as well because this sucker seemed like it was from the ‘50s. So, there’s the reason it was a fail for me and I'm rounding down because whoever decided to hack into this did it a huge disservice and should have just left it alone FFS. On the bright side, I didn’t realize Killing Mr. Griffin was written by the same author who wrote one of my fave guilty pleasures . . .



I’m going on a road trip this weekend with my oldest so he can play some college showcase ball. I’m hoping he follows the tradition of what he does when his father takes him on these excursions and immediately falls asleep for the entire car ride. If he does this will be my first audiobook experience . . . .

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Bad Romance by Heather Demetrios

29102896
4 Stars

“I gave you my heart on a silver fucking platter and you ate it, piece by bloody piece.”
Welcome to a review via giffery that is sure to put at least one song on a never-ending loop in your brain for the remainder of the day . . . . .



Bad Romance is the story of Grace and how she almost lost herself over the course of . . . .



It’s a story that shows . . . .

“Girls don’t fall in love with manipulative assholes who treat them like shit and make them seriously question their life choices. They fall in love with manipulative assholes (who treat them like shit and make them seriously question their life choices) who they think are knights in shining armor.”

I wanted to read this as soon as I saw the title. Because duh . . . .



And just look at that cover? I diiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee.

My old lady brain failed me and I didn’t realize that I had had a most excellent experience with Heather Demetrios in the past, so I went into this with high hopes yet low expectations. This is another selection that, although as far as I know is not yet challenged, would be a great candidate during this Banned Books Week since it addresses some seriously heavy subject matter that pearl clutching parents across the country would not want their children to read about. That would be a shame, though, because these are exactly the types of stories that need to be told.

While Grace’s home life and upbringing may have made her easier to manipulate than some, her relationship with Gavin felt pretty fathomable to me. Who wouldn’t want to date the handsome rock star? Why wouldn’t she take his side when he said his ex was cheating – after all, she was always flirting with other dudes. And really isn’t it just respectful to not be touchy-feely with other guys if you are in a committed relationship? Grace agrees that it is. But where do you draw the line? At what point do you realize that you pretty much always do what he wants to do. That if you don’t, he gets mad – or hangs up the phone – or peels out down the street and you end up doing nothing at all because he was your plans for the evening. When do you tell him to cut the shit and quit being such a drama llama? When does it sink in that when he shows up at your window in the middle of the night or spends hours across the food court watching you while you work at the cookie store that . . . .

“Your boyfriend’s creepy.”

Is it about the same time you discover this song isn’t nearly as romantic as you once thought it to be . . . .



At what point do you find the courage and strength within yourself to tell him . . . . .



When he tells you he hates you? When he calls you a whore? When he leaves bruises on you when you’re trying to get away, but he’s not done talking to you yet? When he rapes you? When?

While this may have been just a bit too long for me (I hate making that complaint because I sound like such a dimwit) – it is probably necessary to keep beating some readers over the head with examples of abusive behavior like Demetrios does here. At some point maybe there’s a girl (or a boy) who will recognize that their relationship might be unhealthy too and they will get out of it. And to anyone who feels stuck in a situation like this and has a boy(or girl)friend who threatens to kill themselves should you break up with them? This is what you do . . . . .



Middle fingers up. For real. Then call their parents, tell a school counselor, call the cops, whatever. But get yourself out first.

ORIGINAL "REVIEW:"

When you is poor so the $9.99 price tag is making you have a sad, but discover the porny librarian already has you covered . . . . .

Monday, September 25, 2017

My Absolute Darling by Gabriel Tallen


33572350
3 Stars




“I thought at least you could give me this, you could at least do that, but the truth is that you give me nothing.”

Welcome to my favorite week of the year! Unfortunately, real life kind of got in the way and I failed to realize Banned Book Week was quickly approaching until I received the pop-up reminder on my calendar this morning. It just so happens that by some strange coincidence I had finished My Absolute Darling last week and (of course) had not yet written anything down. While not yet a “banned” or “challenged” book yet, I figure it will only be a matter of time before this selection becomes one due to its disturbing subject matter and the fact that since it is about a 14 year old girl, there’s a good chance young people will want to read it.

What you have here is a coming of age story about a girl who named Turtle (actual name Julia). Turtle is a girl who lives up to her moniker – attempting at all costs to stay inside the safety of her own shell to protect her family secret from getting out. And I’m going to go ahead and spoil this because readers really need to know what they’re getting into here before they decide to add this to their TBR: Turtle’s father is not only emotionally and physically abusive throughout the story, but he also rapes her repeatedly.

I picked this up because of my friend Jennifer’s glowing review. Sadly, I didn’t have a 5 Star reading experience like she did. I appreciate what the author tried to do, but there were some things that pulled me out of the story – and when you’re reading something that should feel like getting hit in the face with a frying pan for the duration, being pulled away leaves you with a feeling almost like vertigo (which may be beneficial to many readers *shrug*). So what went wrong for me? Well, to begin with, this needed a heavier-handed editor. As I said before, it didn’t always flow for me. My initial thought was it must have been translated to English due to the excessive use of adjectives and detailed descriptions of the local flora and fauna (and at times, Turtle’s “engorged” bits *eww and also not really an accurate descriptor*), while the actual story itself (which should have been graphically brutal if it followed the author’s pattern of writing) was lacking. The choice of third person narration with everything being only from Turtle’s perspective was off-putting as well. I think this would have been much more powerful if written in first person. The way it was I had tons of questions I wanted answers to that could have been provided (and I’m usually one who is okay with not knowing every detail). But I wanted to know more about what made Martin a monster. Was his upbringing truly terrible? Did he repeat the sins of his father? Was he simply a bullshit artist? I wanted to be in his brain. First person would have made that impossible and I wouldn’t be griping about it. I also assume Martin murdered Turtle’s mother, but that was an open-ended matter as well. I’ll leave it that I’m dubious she died while “abalone diving.” While I do love the “John Green” type of teenager, Jacob and Brett were just a little too cool for school in my opinion. And then there was the little something extra (no spoilsies). This story didn’t need a kitchen sink thrown in FFS. Not to mention the over-the-top climax and tidy little ending wrapped up in a bow. Some stories don’t need to end well. This was one of them. As twisted as it is, if this was a YA book it would get more stars from me. I enjoy authors who are willing to push the envelope. As it was, this amounts to a decent debut. I’ll be interested to see what Gabriel Tallent comes up with next.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Words On Bathroom Walls by Julia Walton


25695640
5 Stars




“J. K. Rowling is a fucking genius. Anyone who doesn’t think so is crazy.”

^If the above doesn’t make all you nerds fall in love with Adam, you’re probably wasting your time here.

Alright. This is it. This is my #1 YA of the year. Pretty bold statement since there’s still 3+ months to go, but I’m putting it out there. I also just finished this (locked in a spare office on my lunch hour while skipping a “team luncheon”) and am already barfing this “review” out in order to get it on other people’s radars. Bonus is since I’m the first of my friends to have read this, it means my rating is the right one. I know, I know, you’re allowed to have your own opinion and give this low stars if you feel like it . . . .



I’m not sure where to start (or where this will go aside from a giant ramble), so let’s begin with our daily debriefing on the various ways in which I am an idiot. Today’s example is how I asked for (and was denied, of course) this book simply for the cover and title. I didn’t bother reading the synopsis. I just wanted it. I assumed it was going to be “Megan Abbot-y” type of mean girl story about – you guessed it – words on bathroom walls. Kinda like this . . . .



Whoops. Not accurate. At all. What the book was about, I mean. There’s a very good chance my kid wrote that about me on a toilet stall.

Words On Bathroom Walls is actually about Adam, a boy who was diagnosed extremely early with schizophrenia and is currently participating in a drug trial with an experimental new treatment. Told in journal format as entries to his therapist, this is Adam’s story as he deals with being crazy. Oh, and save your pearl clutching and being “triggered” at the use of the C word. As Adam would say . . . .

“I prefer ‘crazy’ to ‘mentally ill.’ Sounds more dignified.”

While it does at times seem as if mentally ill is the new black, Words On Bathroom Walls feels fresh and new. It tackles the most obvious issues with the stigma of being “crazy” head on . . . .

“When you have cancer, people are sympathetic. They feel something for you, and people even hold races to raise money for your cure. It’s different when people are afraid of what you’ve got, because then you get some of the sympathy but none of the support. They don’t wish you ill – they just want you as far away from them as possible.”

And does so with loving, concerned parents (who are actually in the picture and not just some blip on the radar!!!!), friends – both real and hallucinated – who will always be there, and a real high school romance that develops over months rather than the “insta” variety that made me feel as warm and fuzzy as a Taylor Swift song (well, before she went all batshit) . . . .



Maybe I’m getting ready to start my period (TMI? Naaaaah), but it made me feel all the things. And when Adam knew just the right thing to say . . . . .



I found myself a bit emotionally compromised . . . .



Then this happened . . . .



I’m in love with this book. I think I’m gonna sleep with it under my pillow tonight.