Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Deception Island by Brynn Kelly

3.5 Stars

Deception Island pinged my radar because it had the trifecta of summery goodtimes – an island (duh), a fall-for-my-captor storyline, and of course . . .

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Good thing the plot delivered because if I had been reading only for the humpty dance????

Ouch my blueballs. Yep, this one only had ONE SEX, but it made up for it with plenty of stabby action instead.

The basics are that Holly recently was released from prison and due to being quite a decent doppleganger, has been hired to play the part of a socialite with a jet-set lifestyle by said socialite’s Senator daddy. Rafe is a former bad-guy turned good who is willing to return to the dark ways of his past in order to save his son. His mission? Kidnap the Senator’s daughter for a hefty ransom and kill her if things don't go according to the plan.

So obviously this one might piss half the universe off because of the whole “body betrayal” malarkey that is par for the course with these types of stories. The difference this time was the kidnappee learning the truth about the kidnapper pretty pronto and then vice/versa before any sexual shenanigans ever went down.

It was kind of guaranteed to be a winner for me once I found out it featured a French speaking bad guy turned good too because . . .

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Yep. That’ll get her done.

And while there was talk about things like being “engorged” (*shudder*) during la petite mort, I discovered that “wet chatte” is far less vomit inducing than talking about . . .

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Finally, Deception Island delivered a deliciously cheesetastic rescue scene that could have only been improved had this happened in the middle of the cyclone . . .

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Obviously this isn’t going to win a Pulitzer, but come on - it’s summer and it’s been a thousand and twelve degrees for weeks now so if you don’t like that I get my kicks off this kind of stuff then . . .

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Kathleen takes the credit (blame?) for this one. She gave it all the stars and had me running to NetGalley in order to “wish” for it (then by the time said wish was granted my dumb ass had to try and figure out what the heck book it was).

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Cookie Jar by Stephen King

3 Stars

"In the end we all prefer the bitter to the sweet."
What can I say? It's short, it's free, it's King . . . .

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Endless thanks for showing this Constant Reader every last crumb at the bottom of the cookie jar for all these years.

Curious Minds by Janet Evanovich and Phoef Sutton

1 Star

Also known as a new series from Janet Evanovich . . . maybe. At this point it appears she may officially be pulling a James Patterson and much like a sports arena simply be selling naming rights for book covers . . .

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There’s not a whole lot to say about this one. Although a backdoor to the Lizzy and Diesel storyline was left open with several artifacts left to find, Knight and Moon debuted instead of book 4 in that series. The premise of this one is that Emerson Knight has come into a lot of money – in the form of gold bars – and he wants to take a gander at it. Enter Riley Moon, the newest associate at the superbank which holds Knight’s money, who has been assigned to tell him that’s not how things work. In typical Evanovich fashion things go from simple to complicated leading the duo on a real caper.

So obviously Riley was the equivalent of Stephanie (or Kate or Lizzie). The only difference is Riley lived in an old Victorian rather than an apartment complex full of old fogies and she managed to go the duration without getting her car blown up . . . which wasn’t nearly as entertaining. I thought Aunt Myrna would be the counterpart to Grandma Mazur, but she ended up being a cardboard cutout instead. There was no Lula, which left a gaping hole and the leading male? He may have had a physical description like the posterboy for the cover of a porny book, but the only person I could picture when he spoke was Sheldon Cooper . . .

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I know, right? Obviously there was no morning dew to be found in this ladygarden.

I’d love to say that this book made me grow a pair and I will be able to resist clicking the request button for further Evanovich selections, but who the hell am I kidding? I’m already on hold at the library for the newest Fox and O’Hare (thanks Goodreads and your incessant flipping advertisements) and I probably won’t be able to stop myself from reading more of this stinking pile either. I’m a real Chip Diller : (

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Friday, June 24, 2016

Thank You Notes 2 by Jimmy Fallon

3 Stars

This is one of those books that is not worth the suggested retail price, but is most definitely an automatic purchase for me when perusing the clearance shelves at Half Price Books. I’ve been a fan of Jimmy Fallon ever since his SNL debut, but sadly they never made a “Boston Teens” book so I had to settle for this. And really, let’s face it, if they did make a Sully and Zazu story my recent track record would probably have me desperately seeking something like this . . .

Alright, so there’s not a whole lot to say about this. If you enjoy the “Thank You Notes” segment on The Tonight Show or if you’re disgusting and like to flip through some light reading material while on the dumper, you’ll get a couple of grins from this. It’ll even play some motivational music for you if things aren’t proceeding as planned . . .

Basically if you like The Tonight Show, like this segment, or simply like Fallon this is worth a buck or two.

Now, let me do what I do best and not talk about the book at all and talk about my favorite thank you note writer of all . . . .

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Have no fear, I’m not here to discuss politics (and fair warning to anyone who attempts to troll this space by doing so – Mitchell will eat your ass for breakfast). Love him or hate him, Obama has made for some quality late-night entertainment with his Tonight Show appearances. And his latest thank you to Congress addressing the past eight years of them wishing for a Republican President . . . .

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As I said, I could give a rip if you agree with him or not, but you have to admit neither of the candidates will deliver the late night LOLz like he did. Obama out . . .

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Thursday, June 23, 2016

The Preserve by Patrick Lestewka

5 Stars

“Anytime. Anywhere. Anyhow. I will die for you.”

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In 1967 a group of young men were brought together courtesy of Uncle Sam. They became killing machines and part of an elite task force known as the Magnificent Seven . . .

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Five made it out of the jungle and went on with life . . . or whatever semblance of one they could make for themselves. Fast forward 20 years to the five men each receiving a letter along with a check in the amount of $50,000 if they attend a meeting – where a promise of an additional $1,000,000 paycheck is offered if they are willing to team up once again and participate in a rescue mission somewhere in the Northwest Territory known as “The Preserve.”

Where to start? Man this IS NOT a book I can recommend to just anyone. Mitchell told me to stop being such a little bitch and let him do this review, but to be 100% honest once he read the following . . .

“Then the thing turned to face us and its eyes, oh Christ those eyes, and its head bluntly misshapen, snouted, with the features of a boar . . .”

Yeah, he was gonzo and declared an automatic 5 Star rating should be given no matter what the remaining 3/4 of the book brought to the table.

So what did the other 3/4 of this book bring to the table? Well, aside from a repeat performance by my breakfast, lunch and dinner it brought one hell of a trip that I won’t soon forget . . . .

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The Preserve might not truly be worthy of all of the Stars for most readers, but it’s getting all of them from me. I will forewarn you, you REALLY have to dig war speak. Luckily for me I was raised in a testosterone-driven family and cut my teeth on movies like Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now and Platoon. The characters, the battles, and the atrocities all brought memories of those films to mind. As I hinted about above, you also need to have an iron stomach. This is by far the goriest book I’ve ever read. Nary a page went by without something unthinkable being described in great detail.

I decided to pick this book up because I am a giant pussy and am terrified to write up how much one of my favorite author’s soon-to-be-released novels failed to wow me. However, “Patrick Lestewka” was able to deliver everything I have come to expect from Nick Cutter. Man I love those crazy kanucks . . .

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I picked The Preserve up a year or so ago due to the Cutter angle mentioned above (and also due to the $2.99 Kindle price tag). I decided to read it now both because of the Little Heaven fail and because Charlene’s review called it “fun.” Only Charlene would call this fun. She is my go-to gal for all things horror and the best kind of sicko!

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The Girls by Emma Cline

2 Stars

Tons of my friends received an ARC of The Girls and my feed has been filled for months with updates/reviews detailing all of the awesome they were all experiencing . . .

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Thanks for the warm welcome, John McClane, but I have a feeling you (along with everyone else) will soon be changing your tune.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, where should I begin?????? Maybe with . . .

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Wait, that’s a lie. I do know what I expected . . .

“It was like a big fucking deal. Hippies killing these people out in Marin.”

If I’m presented with a synopsis that tells me I’m going to be reading a fictional take on the ladies behind the Manson Murders, I expect something twisted that would pull a real mindfuckeroo. I wanted to meet girls like these . . . .

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What I got instead? A poor-little-rich-girl lead along with a supporting cast of characters who couldn't even be considered cardboard cutouts. They were more like shadows with zero dimension. And the story itself? NOTHING happened until the 90% mark which left a seriously angry Mitchell who looked a little something like this . . .

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(My cell phone camera broke so I had to improvise. Donations for a replacement are gladly accepted.)

This just did not work for me at all. I hated the writing style, I like stories that are fresh and if you’re going to fictionalize one of the most famous events in U.S. history at least mix things up a teeny little bit (and I mean more than famous dude who was supposed to be the target of the murder being a musician rather than a child rapist Roman Polanski or the female victim actually having a child instead of being pregnant), and most importantly THE MAIN CHARACTER SHOULD ACTUALLY BE A PART OF THE EFFING EVENT and not just tell us about “the part I imagine most.”

Save me your trolling because my “friends” already beat you to it by saying they were going to have this sent to my house for not drinking the Cline Kool-Aid . . .

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Emily is the only one of my friends who read this right like me. She is now my favorite, so there.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I Let You Go by Clare Mackintosh

3.5 Stars

After a tragic event turns Jenna Gray’s world on its ear, she decides to start over in a quaint seaside town in Wales. Unfortunately for Jenna, she can’t run away from her past forever . . . .

How do you like that synopsis? Pretty crap, right? Well, that sucktastic blurb is all you’re going to get because this is one of those books that can be ruined very easily by anything getting said.

Here’s what I will say: I compare many of these psych thrillers/mysteries to Lifetime Television for Women movies, mainly because so many of them suck. When I saw the cover blurb was from the author of the oh-so-very-underwhelming The Girl on the Train I figured this would be another fail. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, if there’s one thing I know it’s that there are Lifetime movies and then there are LIFETIME MOVIES . . . . .


I literally read I Let You Go in a couple of hours. Now I read pretty fast, but this was obviously quite a page turner for me to go at that breakneck speed. And while there were some minor disappointments, mainly along the line of the storyline revolving around . . .

Nope. No spoilers. Okay, so there was a wee bit of a letdown due to certain stuff and things, but for the most part this was pretty decent. Especially when I thought that . . .

Dammit! No spoilers. Okay, especially when things ended up not going the superpredictable way they could have gone (if you read this and are feeling things are going to end up hokey while reading Part 1, you’re probably not really guessing what’s going to end up happening).

Now I will say the part where . . . .

F*&^! No spoilers. So I was able to figure out the one last little tidbit, but by then the book was almost done so I didn’t really give any poops. If you’re like me and like to mix your pornography with a bit of mystery while sitting poolside (or sweating your butt off in the heat at your kids’ ballgames like I have been doing all Spring), this might be a winner.

Lots of my friends jumped on the bandwagon to read this, but it was Jennifer's review that finally broke me down and request it from the library.

Taken by the Tetris Blocks: An Erotic Short Story by Leonard Delaney

3 Stars (????)

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In case there was any question, obviously this confirms that I have zero shame and even less willpower. The only thing that may surprise any of you is the person who requested this buddy read. In order to protect his good name, he shall remain nameless (*cough Dan cough*). Yes, it seems even the brightest of bulbs on the Goodreads’ tree cannot resist the siren song of monster erotica.

So what was this little gem about? Wellllllll, pretty much something kinda like this . . .

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Some time ago blocks started falling from the sky. Christie was excited to welcome this new species to Earth, but Donald Trump her boss at Squawker Media was not so open-minded and decided Christie should write some controversial pieces about how the Blocks are ruining ‘Murica. Christie decides to pull a Johnny Paycheck and tells that bastard to take this job and shove it, but before packing her desk she makes a pit stop to freshen up and confirms the Right Wingers are sooooooo correct that you never know what will happen if you allow shared bathrooms - especially with these fellas . . . .

After that it pretty much boils down to a lot of . . .

“Yeah, fill my gap.”

And confirmation that . . .

Are you a disgusting pervert with no self-control just like me? If so, get it for free right HERE.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Chaos Bound by Sarah Castille

3 Stars

“You will never be in my way, darlin’. You are the way.”

Last week I asked one of my co-workers to break my fingers for me in order to keep me off the internet, but since that didn’t work . . .

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On Naiya’s fifteenth birthday she received a gift from Viper, the President of the Black Jacks Motorcycle Club, she would never forget. Fast forward to the present and a now grown Nayia who owes the Black Jacks for her deceased mother’s debts. Nayia finds herself in Viper’s dungeon along with a man the Black Jacks believed to be dead. Circumstances force the two to work together in order to escape (to “Beaver Country” LOLOLOLOL) and y’all know what happens next right????

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(That’s Justin Bieber!!!! How many of you old ladies were getting all revved up???? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Anyway, yes DUH that happens and since Nayia is all damaged goods and much like myself does not know how to feel the human feels she likes a fellow who plows her like a cornfield and is all . . .

But since these books are really written for the ladies in the hizzy, leading man Holt goes all Whitney Houston and is all . . .

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“I am nothing, Naiya, if I don’t have you.”

This wasn’t too shabby. My husband will say it didn’t work out as well for him as Burn Down the Night, but I’m not a machine! Obviously if you’re looking for a lot of stabby or heavy revenge action this probably isn’t for you since, you know, it’s really a porno and all. But the story was decent, the sex was hot without any of the squicky speak that gets my gag reflex going and the characters were well developed. The only thing I don’t understand? How do these dudes with the 12 inch schlongs and billions of notches on their bedpost not know how to get the job done internally, if you know what I mean. I mean really. . . .

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ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Friday, June 17, 2016

Meat by Opal Carew

1 Star

What’s that? We should all go to NetGalley and request alllllllll the pornos, you say? Sure! I’m right behind yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . .

Once again, it didn’t take much more than the title to get me to press the ol’ clickity click. You do realize what is being talked about in a book like this with a title like Meat, right?????

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And when I found out it was about a dominating alpha male in the form of a chef????

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Don’t tell me you haven’t fantasized about Gordo calling you a “bloody donkey” in the best way possible too. But then I actually read the book and I was all . . .

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So many problems. To begin with, this was short. I mean REALLY short. I’d let you know the exact length, but unfortunately it’s not referenced anywhere. I can assure you, however, that it is waaaaaay shorter than Rex’s wang which was the equivalent of a baby’s arm with an apple plum at the top. Now, short is not necessarily the worst thing in the world, but to try and cram a full plot into this was like playing a record on the wrong speed. Bet I lost half of you there. A record? What a dinosaur I am! Translation is this puppy was on fast-forward so there was a LOT happening (like the meet/cute to the one-nighter when they couldn’t even slow down to put on a rubber to the second (not so) meet/cute to the luuuuuuuurv to the dun dun dunnnnnnnnn to the big reveal to the high speed finish), but not much of it was really talked about. Except the sex. That was talked about. A lot. Using words like . . .

“slick petals” and “thick corona” and “back passage” and “suckle” . . .

And also . . .

“His big tongue glided over her again, enthusiastic and thorough.”

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I’d say I learned my lesson, but today I logged back on again and found I had a “wish granted” for a different porno that I had completely forgot I even requested. I have a shame . . .

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Kathleen is the porn pusher this go 'round. She hasn't even finished this one yet so I don't know if she liked it or hated it, but I covered my ass by shoving her back over to NetGalley and not letting her leave until she requested another porn in order to balance it all out. She's also the person whose review got me to "wish" for the other book I forgot about so you'll be seeing her name quite frequently. She's the worst best ; )