Thursday, April 28, 2016

The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness

22910900
4 Stars
 
“Everything's always ending. But everything's always beginning, too.”


Not a whole lot happens when you live in “a suburb of a suburb of a suburb of a city that takes about an hour to get to.” Well, that’s not entirely true. Stuff has definitely happened in the past. It wasn’t that long ago that the town was plagued with the “vampire cycle of romance and death” . . .

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Also . . .


(Note: There was no plot point regarding half-naked wereboys, but I gotta be me.)

Shortly before that there was quite the epidemic of people “dying beautifully of cancer” . . . .

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But everyone knows those things only happen to the “indie kids.” You know the ones, those with names like Satchel and the oh-so-many Finns and Wisconsin and Aquamarine.

Mikey is just trying to make it through the last 4 ½ weeks of school, hopefully without said school blowing up . . . again. He wants to graduate and maybe finally get the nerve to ask Henna on a real date. He wants to make his little sister’s dream come true and take her to the Bolts of Fire concert . . . .

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And he wants to find a way to break the loop which is his OCD without using the help of his friend Jared who might just answer to a higher calling . . . .

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The universe might have different plans, however, when Mikey and Henna have a run-in with some of the local fauna . . .

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If you haven’t figured it out yet, The Rest of Us Just Live Here is the story of the kids behind the latest trope. My friend J does a great job summing it up in his review, but basically . . .

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My reaction upon finishing was a little something like this . . .

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I’m giving this 4 Stars for the simple fact that I could not stop reading it . . . but I’m not exactly sure I actually liked it. All I do know is Patrick Ness is different from everyone else when it comes to his stories. Recommended to anyone who has read alllllllllllllllllllllllll the usual suspects of the YA genre, but still can’t quit.

ARC DENIED by NetGalley but I read it anyway because that’s what I do . . . .

 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Bullshit: A Lexicon by Mark Peters

25387598
3 Stars
 
As Jon Stewart so eloquently puts it in the very first sentence of this book . . .



If you’re anything like me you (1) love free stuff and (2) can’t resist weird crap that make your friends and family members question whether coming to you house is a safe idea then Bullshit: A Lexicon might just be the perfect addition to your coffee table.

Mark Peters covers everything from the classics such as . . .

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And . . .



To the politically correct . . .

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All the way back to basics . . .



Of course, since this is the bullshit dictionary that had to run the entire alphabet from A to Zed, a few stretches were made. Like . . .

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And treacle? Seriously. I know SOMEONE would take much offense to his favorite treat being called “shit” . . . .

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A million points to Gryffindor Stepheny for being the first one in the class with her hand raised to answer that trivia tidbit.

Like many other books like this, the retail price is a bit steep for my liking and the humor was a bit on the smarty farty side for me considering the subject matter. I’m going to continue waiting impatiently for Ed Lorn to come up with a profanity dictionary ‘cause he’s reeeeaaaaaaallllll good at the curse words.

Review copy provided by Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Priest by Sierra Simone

25507389
3 Stars
 
“Si vis amari, ama. If you wish to be loved, love.”
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As a terrible good Catholic, allow me to sum this one up in one sentence for those of you with short attention spans or who need to leave this review space ASAP in order to pack my handbasket for me . . .

BLESS US OH LORD FOR THESE THY GIFTS WHICH WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE FROM THE BOUNTY OF CHRIST OUR LORD AMEN!

If you are a woman of a certain age who has embraced the fact that you are a disgusting pervert, you probably had warning signs from an early age when a certain miniseries aired on the old telly . . .



As I said before, I’m a real good Catholic who fantasized our liver spotted, death breath, 1,000 year old priest would find his way either to retirement or his reward and be replaced with a Father de Bricassart I could break every vow with . . .



Of course, that only happens in the movies so this particular storyline remained a latent fantasy in the recesses of my mind. When I saw Priest available as a freebie on Kindle I was on that shit like Father Tyler on Poppy’s snatch. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As I said, this is the story of Tyler, a man who became a priest because of reasons who is assigned to a small congregation (Sidenote: WHERE I LIVE, HOLY SHITSNACKS!!!!) where he leads morning mass and hears confession on the daily . . .



Enter Poppy . . . .

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In the immortal words of one Fiona Apple, Poppy’s been a bad baaaaad girl. Raised in an upper class family, she left it all behind when the man she thought would be her dearly beloved told her she was nothing but a filthy pirate hooker and left her for another woman. Embracing her inner freak, Poppy moved to flyover country and began working as a dancer at a high-end gentlemen’s club. She’s left that life behind, however, and is back to earning her keep via her CPA and is now looking for a little spiritual guidance. But there’s just something about Father Bell that makes it impossible for Poppy to not let her fingers do the walking when she’s in the confessional booth.

Tyler does his best to resist temptation . . . .

“Gird me, O Lord, with the cincture of purity, and quench in my heart the fire of lust.”

But he’s only human and quickly discovers there is no resisting the temptation of Poppy or the inevitable outcome of an evening spent with Netflix and Chill . . . .



“How does it feel?” she whispered.

“It feels . . .” my voice was barely more than a gasp at this point. “It feels like heaven.”


And I was like . . .



So obviously this is pure fantasy. The characters are 100% not realistic, Tyler’s into a bit of the spanky spanky, Poppy is a bit into getting her O-face on via some minor humiliation. If you’ve been married 20 years like me, your husband might end up with a real treat when he discovers his Missionary Marge of a wife suddenly is channeling her inner Madonna . . .


(Man, her boobs were AWESOME in that video.)

Anyway, if you want to read something that makes you light novenas for yourself, this might be a winner. The only thing that didn’t really work for me was the nickname (it’s always the damn nickname). This time? LAMB . . .



Puke.

Oh and in tribute to my buddy Ron 2.0 – here’s the song styling that has been playing in my head the entire time I read this book . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F9Dx...

Monday, April 25, 2016

With Malice by Eileen Cook

26153925
3 Stars
 
Jill and Simone weren’t exactly what anyone would have pegged as being besties for the resties . . .

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Somehow the two had managed to stay thick as thieves from 4th Grade all the way through high school and a six week study abroad program in Italy. When Jill wakes up in the hospital, those six weeks are missing – and Simone is dead. Now facing potential murder charges, Jill has to try and piece the puzzle back together in order to prove her innocence and that Simone’s death was accidental rather than intentional.

The usual book pusher almost got me to request this one, but I remained strong like bull and was able to resist temptation. But thennnnnnnnnnnn Sandra read it and loved it and I couldn’t stop myself.

So here’s the deal. There was nothing inherently wrong with this book. Unfortunately the story was a little bit “been there/done that” for me and I liked both Dangerous Girls and Defending Jacob (I read that before I started puking out these “reviews” so go read JaHy’s instead – she’s nuts and totally awesome) waaaaaaaaay more than this one . . .

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If you’re interested in a YA thriller, this is a good choice. If you want something with a little more meat on the bones, I’d opt for either of the selections listed above before picking up With Malice.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Friday, April 22, 2016

Wicked Need by Sawyer Bennett

28383820
3 Stars
 
Welcome to The Silo – a place filled with . . .

“Kinky fuckery.”

And I was all . . .

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The Silo is a sex club where Anna Nicole Smith Catherine used to be forced to go . . . . . ummmmmm perform in order for her geriatric husband to get his rocks off while he watched her bang other dudes – including former Olympic medalist Rand. Rand hung up his skis and opted for the simple life, managing a local tattoo shop by day and working as a “fantasy maker” by night. When Rand discovers Catherine sleeping in her car at The Silo after her husband dies, he offers her a place to stay and to help figure out what the hell Is actually going on with the supposed new will that cut Catherine out completely.

Okay, both my hands were occupied I made a whopping three highlights on my Kindle while reading this and it was all about the plot points I just mentioned so you’ll have to bear with me as I babble.

Plenty of grouchy bastards on GR gripe about “scrapbooks” being made with regard to casting characters in these books but those people seriously can go f*&^ a duck. For me, a porno scientific journal such as this doesn’t work unless I either want to picture myself as the lead or my brain conjures up someone else for the starring roles. Wicked Need delivered immediately in that department. As soon as Catherine was spotted putting on a . . . . uhhhhhh toy demonstration my brain said . . .

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And Rand? I realize authors more than likely assume that this fella will be chosen by the vaginas minds of many when a bearded blonde is described . . .



But (1) I’m the only woman in America who doesn’t find Charlie Hunnam attractive and (2) my friend Baba called dibs like umpteen years ago and I’m all about ovaries before brovaries. I also am delighted any time my brain can cast my dream blonde as the lead . . .

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Not only is he adorable, but I have a feeling he’d be pretty awesome in the sack too. Just think of what he could do with his magic hands off the ballfield . . .

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So let’s talk about sex baby let’s talk about Rand and me. Here’s where y’all realize it’s a full moon or start looking out your window for a swarm of locusts or something because I thought there wasn’t enough of it. I mean this book was about a SEX CLUB for Jeebus’ sake. I was totally ready for . . .

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Instead the instalurv kicked in a bit and the supah hot stuff (*cough threesome cough*) was done in fade-to-black style. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The good news is the scenes that were described in detail had me like . . .

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(#thanksKershaw)

3 Stars because that’s pretty much my standard rating when it comes to naughty books, but I would definitely read others in this series.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley! Additional thanks to Shelby for turning me on to this one. She's been telling me about Sawyer Bennett for quite awhile, but for whatever reason that's the one author the porny librarian only has in audio format (and I'm scurrrrrred I'd crash the car if I tried to drive to work and masturbate listen to a book like this simultaneously).

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig

12944651
4.5 Stars
 
I finished Blackbirds a week ago, but since this was a buddy-up with a group that pretty much resembles this . . .

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I’m just now posting a review. Good news is I’m not the biggest slacker in the mix since the intertube gods have been working against Delee from the jumpstart and Ron 2.0 most likely won’t get a review posted until 2019 or therabouts. Turns out Shelby was the Emily Post of etiquette when it came to this read, so you know prepare for the end of days and all that.

Herein lies the rub with this book - I don’t know what the eff to say about it. Miriam Black is hands down my favorite female lead of all time. Not only can she see how someone is going to die, but she also kicks ALLLLLL of the ass and has a mouth that could fill a Federal Reserve sized swear jar . . .



Rather than being an idiot fangirl, I’m going to let the book speak for itself . . .

“Can I keep telling my story, here? Your readers are going to be on the edges of their seats.”

She ain’t kidding, folks. As I said before, Miriam can tell how someone is going to die if she makes contact with them. She’s resigned herself to the fact that . . .

“Everybody dies, just like everybody poops.”

Up to now, her experiences have been pretty much a turd buffet . . .

“What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?”

“Nothing you haven’t told her twice already.”

“Way to blow the punch line,” she says. “I thought I had one up on you.”

“Nope. Not me. Besides, I only count one black eye on you.”

“Then maybe I haven’t learned my lesson, yet.”


Allow me to take a moment to . . .



My apologies, but I mean seriously I am in love with this woman. Anywho, when Miriam catches a ride with trucker Louis she has an experience she’s not familiar with – that SHE will be present when he dies. She learned her lesson about intervening with the fickle fingers of fate years ago, but this time HER life might also be on the line. Will she try to save Louis and/or herself, or will she stick with her motto . . .

“It is what it is.”

This book is getting 4 Stars for the simple fact that NOT EVERY G.D. BOOK HAS TO BE PART OF A SERIES. I mean really. Blackbirds was damn near perfection and the ending was 100% satisfying to me as a stand-alone (which is what I will pretend it was). Disregard the idiot genre choices of GR and choose this one the next time you want an action-packed gritty thrillride voiced by someone you’ve never seen the likes of before. And as a bonus – you’ll experience Mitchell’s favorite chapter of all time: “INTERLUDE – HARRIET’S STORY” . . . .



Tune in for our next buddy read, when we force both Ron and Edward to read . . .

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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Quinn by J.C. Cliff

26234490
3 Stars
 
A couple of weeks ago my feed blew up with a whole lotta posts that looked a little something like this . . .

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So, allow me a minute to address the pink elephant in the room and then we’ll get on with the show:

It didn’t take long to figure out that this was another case of an author responding to a “negative” review (negative used VERY loosely here since from what I’ve seen it was a pretty average rating/review that caused the kerfuffle) and getting a poopton of backlash for it. Since this is MY review space, here’s what I think: I think every reader is entitled to their opinion – ESPECIALLY when it comes to posting on a SOCIAL MEDIA site. As I’ve said ‘til I’m blue in the face, anyone who thinks they’re something to write home about for being a “Goodreads Famous” reviewer should have their head examined.

Yes, there are reviewers here who have huge followings, but unknown/little known authors probably only sell a handful more books due to those reviews. In addition, the authors who lose their shit on a STRANGER’S review space in the vast wasteland which is the interwebs are most likely never going to be the next J.K. Rowling when it comes to booksales to begin with. And you know what else? Depending on the reviewer I might be MORE inclined to read their 1 Star choices over their 5 Stars. If you’re on Goodreads more than a minute you’ll notice that some reviewers love EVERYTHING, some hate everything and some mix things up. You’ll also notice 1 Star reviews/5 Star reviews populate months or sometimes even years in advance of a book actually being released. That’s why the average user rating system means diddly shit when it comes to most hardcore users choosing a book. Same goes for 1 Star “retaliatory” reviews. A reviewer’s space/rating is whatever they personally want to put there (up to the point where it breaks Goodreads’ TOS which I’m not even going to bother addressing since I would still like to be allowed to play in this sandbox). Something that doesn’t work AT ALL, though? Publishers who demand no less than 3 Star reviews be posted . . .

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Obviously all of the superbadawful is what put this book on my radar. I figured since I’ve now read like at least 20 pornos I am officially an expert and should read this one as well. Also by some miracle I was gifted this by a book fairy you would NEVER expect . . .

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Once I started looking into reviews of people who actually had read (or at least started to read) Quinn, I noticed a lot of people were “offended” by either the leading male or the plot in general. That’s what’s great about books - what works for one reader might not work for another and since I pretty much get offended by nothing it didn’t take more than a gander at that cover for me to check out the blurb . . .

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*drool*

What did I find? Mafia princess – mercenary for hire – secrets of the past – things that may not be as they appear AND smexy times?????



So let’s address a few issues other readers had. As far as the leading male - yes, he started out as a pig who made a habit of picking up broads at the local watering hole by saying things like this . . .

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Not a direct quote, but nothing is left to the imagination that this guy is NOT the guy who is interested in more than a wham bam thanky mam. But to his defense???

“Why do women do this shit? I’m honest and upfront with each and every one of them, telling them every damn time if we tango, it’s only for one night and nothing more. It can never be anything more.”

And a bazillion people were all . . .

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Who stopped reading right then and there. Guess what? That’s totally cool and I wish I had the ability to not finish books when I know I’m not going to like them. Unfortunately I’m nuts and haven’t been able to figure out how to do so. Since I have no ability to DNF – and since this was a romance which translates to “home of the tired trope” I realized that Quinn was being presented as the worst of the worst so when he met his female lead her magic vagina would melt his horny heart and he would fall in instaluuuuuuuuurv with her. I was right. Yay me! I is so smart sumtimes.

Which leads us to complaint numero dos – “dubious consent.” (This is a wee spoilery, so run away if you’re scurrrred.) Our two MCs end up sharing a sleeping bag for reasons and since the leading male is such a manwhore who is used to waking with a hot piece of snatch in his bed his fingers start doing some talking before he’s fully awake/aware of exactly who he’s trying to tickle the ol’ ivories with. The leading lady is DIGGING it and is all . . . .

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PERSONALLY, I didn’t have any issue with that scene. The same with the contents of the leading lady’s bag. A woman who is supposedly going to get picked up in a few days in order to start her new life might well in fact pack her . . .

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Uhhhhhhhh, electric ear cleaner rather than leave it behind in her old life. My only disappointment was that they didn’t use it – but there’s always book 2, right?

I start out reading everything NA/romance/erotica thinking it will be 3 Stars and rate the majority of them that way. Quinn is no exception. The cover was hot, the plot was much more existent than tons of other selections in this genre, the sex was sexy, and the dialogue was humorous . . .

I knew all men were not created equal, but this? Holy hell . . . The size of his penis is not normal . . . I squint my eyes for a close-up . . .

“Would you like to measure it?”



(Seriously, I did giggle a few times while reading this.)

Even the cliffhanger didn’t totally piss me off and I would be interested in reading the second in the series in order to see where the story goes. Bottom line is different strokes for different folks and I wanted this dude to stroke me. As for all of the other stuff that went down? My friend Heather K summed it up best.