Good Girls Don't Date Rock Stars by Codi Gary

3 Stars

Recently I logged on to the library website in order to request a copy of The River of Kings due to Chuck’s awesome review and discovered it was not yet available. Being that I was on the porny library’s site, the recommendation pop-up window had suggestions that weren’t quite of such a literary variety as what I had originally asked for. I went with the flow, however, and checked this one out because the porny librarian is the best of all librarians. I’ll keep it short and sweet and tell what worked (and did not work for me) so you can determine whether or not I read this wrong.

To begin with, the Tired Tropes.

Trope #1: The “woke up in Vegas married” trope . . . .



I never get tired of this one.

Then there was Trope #2: The “I had your baby 9 years ago but never bothered telling you about him” . . . . .



Me no likey that one at all (and it made me pretty much never like the leading lady either), but let’s move on because y’all know it’s really about the dude anyway. I picked this book out of all of the other recommended porns soon-to-be-Pulitzer-winners because it had “Rock Star” in the title and not only do I kind of have a 14-year old’s type of obsession crush on The Chainsmokers, but they are also coming here really soon and I need to sell one of my kids so I can buy a ticket and also because this video . . . .



Is oh so very splooshtastic. But then I found out the “rock star” was a country and western star . . . .



Apologies to all (except my husband since he lives to torture me with the shit), but I’m just not a big fan of country music. Except Wagon Wheel. I like every damn version of that mofo.

Now we need to address the horribly embarrassing fuckery my brain pulled on me that severely wilted my ladyboner. Although the leading male was clearly described as . . . .

“All six and a half feet of him stood there: the deep blue eyes that sparkled at her as one brown curl fell boyishly over his forehead.”

And even with my limited knowledge of country singers, I should have AT MINIMUM been able to imagine Blake Shelton, once I heard his name was “Travis” my brain decided to picture him as a blast from my totally redneck past . . . .



Complete with stone-washed jeans and mullet and errrrrythang. Thanks brain. You’re the worst.

I thought surely I could get caught up in the moment, however, and I continued on. And then the female lead mentioned her “channel” and, well . . . . . .



Thanksfully, she only used that word once so all was good in the hood and they had many sexuals that were probably super awesome, but . . . . .





And that’s all there is. This is probably better than my rating is giving it credit for being. We all know that I fuck suck turtles . . . .


(Image courtesy of Jilly)

The Burning World by Isaac Marion

2 Stars

“I don’t know how you’re planning to save the world from ten thousand years of human decline, but good luck.”
THIS is why I don’t read past the first book in a series. I should not make exceptions. Ever. Why can’t I learn this? I must be only a “Nearly” rather than completely human. The only excuse I can make for myself is that I adored everything about Warm Bodies and I figured since so much time had passed between the first and second book surely there was a reason for writing it. Now that I see a THIRD friggin’ story is in the works I’m pretty sure I can confirm the reason was . . . . a moneygrab. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but when you are an author who kind of makes the magic happen with a teenage zombie romance/modernized Romeo and Juliette hybrid you are really taking a chance at lightning striking twice. And boy it sure didn’t – for me at least.

I also didn’t realize that this little nugget I saw on the Faceplace one day . . . . .


(Many thanks to my girl Kristin for pointing out this was a joke/marketing tactic because it seemed 100% legit. Also mad props to Mr. Marion for birthing that brainchild because I’m sure it got your new book plenty of attention.)

Anywho, I was not aware that the above was less of a joke and more of a foreshadowing of what I was about to read. And while I would like to tell myself that . . . .



Let’s get real. I don’t except maybe two times a year. I want to get lost in fiction, not have reality shoved up my butthole any further than the “fake news” already has it crammed in there. If you aren’t like me and simply can’t get enough talk of building walls for our safety and vetting everyone to make sure no refugees zombies sneak in and discovering maybe the man in charge is Steve Bannon a complete psychopath then this will surely be a winner for you. If you are like me you’ll be quick to realize The Burning World suffers from typical Book 2 in a series syndrome: it’s pretty much just . . . .



It’s building the world that wasn’t really bothered to be built in Book 1 and introducing a couple of new characters that will (hopefully) bring forth the action come Book 3. I’ll never know, however, because . . . . .

 

Behind Her Eyes by Sarah Pinborough

4 Stars

“If you love someone, set them free. What a load of bollocks.”
Never in the history of my Goodreads membership has a book been recommended to me so many times by friends. Of course, me being me with somewhat of a history of wrongreading, that made me a little wary of rolling the dice. Buuuuuuuut, I did and I can now tell you all that . . . .



I will not admit to being wrong because I was having a perfectly okay time while I was reading. I was also thrilled to see what I thought was a spoiler really didn’t end up being a spoiler at all. And I’m telling you IF YOU GET SPOILED ON THE ENDING IT WILL RUIN EVERYTHING. Okay, maybe not everything because as I said it’s a pretty decent read, but those last couple of pages bumped this from 3 ½ to 4 Stars made me say . . . . .



If you have a friend with a big mouth, you should seriously consider blocking their dumbass right now before you have to cut them.

Alright, about the book. Per usual with this genre not a lot can be said, but let’s start with the title and then let the book speak for itself. Who the eff came up with the bright idea of adding “A Suspenseful Psychological Thriller” to the top of every page? I’m telling you everything was going swimmingly for me when it came to my enjoyment until once in awhile that tagline would catch my eye and I would think “this is neither suspenseful nor psychologically thrilling to me – I must be reading it wrong.”



So if I didn’t find this suspenseful or thrilling like every page promised me, what was it about???? Well . . . .

“Thirty-four-year-old woman walks into a bar and is sweet-talked by the man of her dreams, who turns out to be her new boss.”

But that’s not all. Bossman is also married and wifey befriends the assistant . . . .



For reals.

Stuff and things then happen that lead everyone to the conclusion that . . . .

“Everyone’s life is probably a mess of secrets and lies when you boil them right down.”

Leading me to fall for a character everyone else probably won’t like very much, but tough titties for them. She was awesome . . .

“Maybe you should cut your distractions by not fucking your fat receptionist.”



BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (Please spare me your “fat shaming” commentary until you volunteer to have your husband cheat on you and prove you will stay high when they go low.)

Added bonus between the storyline and the wife’s name being Adele I got to have a Ron 2.0 moment and had this playing on a loop in my head while I read.

The Mountain Between Us by Charles Martin

3 Stars

In what may be the longest synopsis in the history of the universe, nearly the entire storyline for The Mountain Between Us is presented so I’ll spare you all the excessive details. Basically, the tale here is of Ashley and Ben, strangers who meet at the airport while trying to get to their respective homes. When an epic snowstorm shuts things down, the two hop a puddle jumper I hopes of beating the weather and continuing on to their destinations. Unfortunately for them, Harrison Ford their pilot doesn’t quite get them where they are trying to go . . . .



I went in to this thinking it was going to be some sappy-ass romance where the plane conveniently crashes right next door to a cabin in the woods and everyone farts rainbows and gets their smooch on. Due to my assumption I found myself kind of having a hard time enjoying the book. But then the book itself told me to get my act together . . . .

“We’ve all seen movies where two strangers are lost in some vast wilderness. And then just like An Officer and a Gentleman, they end up rolling on the beach. Mad, passionate love that solves all their problems. Movie ends, and they walk off into the sunset. Weak-kneed and googly-eyed. But this is real life. I really want to get out of here and back home.”

And I decided to attempt to read this as a tale of survival with a little Lifetime Movie of the Week thrown in for good measure and things went a lot better. Now, that’s not to say there weren’t moments when I was like . . . .



Because really? Dudebrah not only happens to be a doctor but also comes packed for hiking with all the amenities that will keep your toes from freezing and falling off???? Probably not, but sometimes you gotta just go with it. If you’ve reached the end of all that Nicholas Sparks has to offer, Charles Martin probably is a solid choice for your next go-to guy. And if your husband has told you this more than a time or twelve . . . .



He’ll be super thrilled to know this is soon to be a movie too. That’s how it ended up on my radar to begin with. I posted a recommendation request when this little challenge was about to begin . . . .



And a certain bookpusher we all know and love (well, everyone loves her except “Rusty Bottoms”) said I should choose this. Then I found out SHE’S NEVER EVEN READ THE DAMN THING. WTF?!?!?!?!? Anyway, good thing I liked it aiiiight so I won’t have to sick the hounds on her.

Now indulge me in taking a moment to discuss the aforementioned movie. This was the original casting . . . .



Uhhhh, no. The target audience for this story is going to be the geriatric set like myself. Also, who the hell would believe Jax Teller as a doctor? He ain’t THAT great an actor, kids. It’ll be interesting to see how the new Alt-Right movement deals with the choices that are actually going to madk it to screen . . . .



*gasp* Their knuckle-dragging selves are sure to protest.

Anywho, I doubt I’ll fork over any sort of cinema price for this, but I’ll definitely make sure to catch it on DVD or when it hits the movie channels – if for no other reason than . . . .



Hehehehehe. Me = pervert. Idris Elba makes me wanna . . . .



Book # this challenge ended 13 days ago but I am still reading whatever queues up at the library anyway because much like Depeche Mode – I just can’t get enough. I just can’t get enough . . . .

Everything For Her by Alexa Riley

1 Star

If you’re looking forward to a rant to go along with this rating, you’re going to have to look elsewhere. Let me state for the record that I am a firm believer that porn is 100% fantasy and if a certain type of storyline works out for you (or even better for both you and your significant other), well then you should read whatever the hell you want. That being said, now that I’ve read a handful of Alexa Riley novellas as well as this full-length feature I can officially state that AR’s fantasies are not mine.

To begin with, this is about a stalker who gets the girl. Now, I have totally loved a story like that before, but it didn’t make me wanna jizz in my pants. It made me think that I probably should create a GoFundMe page in order to get the psychiatric help I obviously need. Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when the leading dude’s name is Miles and he looks like this . . .



It’s apparently A-Okay to want to bang him even if he’s a creepy mah fah who has been the puppetmaster of your life since you were back in high school. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t get on board and kept hollering stuff like this at my Kindle . . . .



I don’t want to waste a whole lot more of my life on this book, so let’s run through the tired out tropes that Riley can’t get enough of real quick. Dude’s not only a super creeper, but also a millionaire. This time he owns a company called “Osbourne Corporation” and if that isn’t a clue he’s going to be kind of fucked in the head, than you haven’t watched enough Spiderman movies . . . .



The leading lady has curves in all the right places and enjoys fancy underwears because they give her “the sense of being a superhero.” Ahhhhh yes, much like my underpants do for me . . . .



He has a signature scent. This time it’s “warm amber and honey” . . . .



She’s a virgin, she rarely sits in her own chair because his lap is so readily available and they also conserve water by only eating off one plate/using one fork at any time (which, of course, he feeds her from) which are things that make me go . . . .



Allllllllllllllllllllllll of which led up to the ultimate Kelly and Mitchell dealbreaker with is the “fill me up with you” talk . . . .



If this is your idea of a fantasy, more power to you, but it dried my ladygarden out like the mothereffing Sahara so I think it’s about time I call it quits when it comes to Alexa Riley. To all my friends who love her stories . . . .

Delicate Monsters by Stephanie Kuehn

4 Stars

“Nothing’s wrong with being bad. It’s like being honest or crying at the end of a sad movie. Sometimes it just happens.”
I was attempting to avoid human contact yesterday by reading this on the elevator on the way to work when a co-worker (one of the few I don’t want to punch in the throat and one who is an avid reader as well) asked what was I reading. Of course, the title wasn’t enough info for her and I found myself stumped at what Delicate Monsters should be shelved as. I couldn’t really call it anything other than Young Adult, but even uttering those words had me thinking . . . .



The story here claims to be about Sadie Su who has returned to her hometown after being gone for years . . .

“Why are you here?”

“I got kicked out of boarding school. Third one in four years. Only thing left is the public alternative.”

“That’s it?”

“I tried to kill somebody.”

I know what you’re thinking . . . .



That’s what I was thinking too. Especially when I was introduced to Emerson who knew Sadie from when he was a kid and appeared to be more than a bit shell-shocked when he heard she was back in town. But then I got to know Emerson better . . . .



I also got to meet his brother Miles and his mother who had been accused of Munchausen by Proxy and Sadie’s mother and by the time I was done I wanted to call the author on the phone in order to ask . . . .



I’m going on record and saying I recommend this to NO ONE. Wait, that’s a lie. I recommended it to one person already (bet you’ll never guess who). She’s the only exception, though, because . . . . .



This book has everything you’d never want to read about: mean girls and bullying to the point of attempted suicide, actual suicide, mental illness, sexual assault, and on and on and on. I’m not going to be responsible for anyone getting triggered, so don’t read it. As for me and Mitchell? This was our idea of a good time. But we also know how to tackle books like this . . . .



If you're asking yourself "where does she find shit like this?!?!?!?!" the answer this time is the 100 Must-Read Books With Unlikeable Women (or in this case "Unlikeable Everyones"). I've already had much luck with many on that list and I will definitely keep reading more of these in the future.

That Night by Chevy Stevens

1.5 Stars

I’m not going to waste much of my time on this, but I want to put something out there so you don’t waste much of your time on this either. My reading experience when it comes to That Night pretty much went a little something like this . . .



I fell victim (once again) to the Goodreads side margin adverts that had me clicking all the buttons required to put Chevy Stevens’ newest release on hold at the library. When That Night popped up as a “currently available” selection, I couldn’t resist the instant gratification of downloading it. I mean, this is America and I do indeed want things now. I scrolled through the ratings and noticed a certain someone on my friend list was the only dissenting opinion, but chalked it up to her having her period or one of her monkey’s experiencing a bad case of diarrhea or whatnot that made her read it wrong. After all, Chevy Stevens wrote one of the best thrillers I’ve ever read. (Apparently all of my friends read it back in the day of reviews that consisted of “dis was guuud” so here’s a generic link to Still Missing. Also note that I may or may not have also read and enjoyed Never Knowing, but I can’t remember since I have a terminal case of Old Lady Brain. The entire reason I joined GR in the first place was to track what I had already read in order to NOT end up checking out something from the library, reading 50 pages and having sever déjà vu since it was a book I had read months or years before so way to fail me once again, brain.)

Anywho, I checked this out since it was readily available and promptly channeled my inner Ron 2.0 which had me asking myself . . . .



Now I know how he feels almost all the time. The story here was about a woman named Toni who was (along with her boyfriend, Ryan) accused of murdering her sister when she was a teenager. The reader then has to follow the back and forth timey wimey between the past and the present where Toni has been released from jail and her attempts to find out what really happened “that night.” And everything about it was terrible. I am not a reader who minds knowing the “whodunit” aspect of a mystery if the story is done well. Unfortunately, that was not the case here. I can’t believe this is the same author who wrote Still Missing. This read like a submission to an unaccredited How to Write a Mystery Book 101 course that someone would pay $99 for on the internet in order to have a real “pro” tell them their snowflake was the speshulist of them all. I HATED Toni and said out loud more than a few times . . . .



And as far as all of the supposed police work?????



If that’s how the criminal justice system actually works in Canada y’all can keep your universal healthcare and I’ll keep my ass here where I’m pretty sure I won’t go to jail for nothing. I’m rounding up to 2 Stars because (i) I’ve read a couple of real stinkers already this year and at least this one could be categorized as a mindless poolside guilty pleasure and (ii) I don’t want anyone throwing the baby out with the bathwater and I think Chevy Stevens aforementioned stuff deserves a look-see.