Wednesday, January 4, 2017

The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena

3 Stars

I read this book because everyone was reading it. We’re talking EV.ER.Y.ONE. Think I’m kidding?

Yep. I’m still 30th in line at the non-porny library (and yes I just removed this request – I’m an old lady and forget these things sometimes).

Since this is a mystery you’re going to get an even crappier review than I normally barf out. The basic premise of The Couple Next Door is that Marco and Anne’s babysitter cancelled at the last minute due to a family emergency, leaving the couple all dressed up with nosomewhere to go. Not willing to let a new baby cramp their style, the two decide to leave the baby monitor as babysitter and a promise to rotate shifts every 30 minutes in order to make sure said baby is okay so they can still go next door for dinner and draaaaaaaaanks . . . .

Save your breath if you feel the need to tell me how horrible I am for judging this couple because #1 I know I’m horrible, #2 it’s a book so calm yo tits, and #3 I would still judge these a-holes the same if it was real life and I give zero shits.

So anywho, Anne and Marco return home around 1:30 a.m. to find their door partially open and zero baby in the house. I was a bit worried for a minute when the detective showed up because Anne’s reaction was. . . .

“When a child goes missing, are the parents usually the prime suspects? Surely not.”

Seriously Anne??????

But luckily the detective was not a dummkopf and he totally thought they offed their own kid.

I will say I didn’t like the direction of everyone thinking “time was running out” in order to find the baby alive. Obviously I’m not an expert, but I am a geezer and every time a baby kidnapping story has been on the news for the past 412 years it’s been some crazy bitch who stole it in order to raise as her own who was the culprit. Murder doesn’t usually seem to be the M.O. in those cases. But I’m probably wrong.

Bottom line is this was like watching a decent movie on this channel . . . .

You know what I mean, right? There’s bad stuff on Lifetime and then there’s awesome stuff . . . .

And then there’s stuff like this. The pages turned quickly and the story flowed, but it’s not something that will change your life.

Dat ending tho . . . .

I mean Gimme A Break!!!!

Are any of you old enough to get that? If not, you'll just have to trust me – it’s hilarious.

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