Today Will Be Different by Maria Semple

3.5 Stars

Eleanor has decided that today will be different. Basically that amounts to she will try hard not to suck so much at life. But life is a real PITA so things go every way except for as planned. Instead of behaving like a well-rounded, functioning adult today Eleanor will have to deal with a missing husband (who has told the office he’s on vacation), a “sick” kid who has used the bellyache excuse to get out of school numerous times in the past couple of weeks, a book deal that maybe isn’t a reality any longer, and if that’s not reminder enough that she’s sort of a big fail, she’ll also dredge up some memories from the past when she’s “triggered” by a keychain bearing the name Delphine. Today will be different for sure . . . . .



I’m not sure exactly who will love this book. I’ll be the first to admit it was no Where’d You Go, Bernadette?, but luckily it wasn’t a This One Is Mine either. Maria Semple most definitely has a unique sense of humor, and if you don’t share it you probably won’t like this one much. However, if you appreciated Semple’s writing style when she worked on a certain little show with a huge cult following . . . .



And don’t mind a story that is 100% over the top that doesn’t slow down for even a second in order to catch its breath, this might be for you.

Today Will Be Different was the equivalent of a “beachy read” to me. It was pure, zany, nonsensical fun. Maria Semple writes me characters I can totally get on board with. Like Eleanor who lives in a world surrounded by these kinds of moms . . . .



But doesn’t swallow the B.S. they attempt to force down everyone’s throats . . . .

“You should be suspicious of someone so eager to make friends, because it probably means she doesn’t have any.”



Preach, girl. Be it little league parents or GR members, if someone is trying too hard I want absolutely ZERO to do with them.

Her approach to parenting was done with an all-too-true spin as well . . .

“You don’t have to be wild about me too. Just try to like me a little more than you do now.”

And speaking of being a parent, Semple did something that hardly any author has been able to do – she wrote a little kid that I didn’t want to punch in the face . . . .

“Daddy’s been going somewhere without telling Mommy so she got the keys to his car.” Alonzo looked back and forth between Timby and me.

“Since she hit her head, she’s been making bad choices.”

I mean, I haven’t enjoyed hearing what a child had to say so much since this kid appeared in my life . . . .



Bottom line is, today might not be different . . . . but there’s always tomorrow . . . .

Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles

3.5 Stars

This popped up on the “recommended you to” screen when I logged in to my library’s website. It threw me off a bit because I’ve been requesting “book clubbier” books lately so I had to check it out. And what did I find???????? A story about a girl from the right side of the tracks and a boy from the wrong side of the tracks and how they fall in luuuuuuurrrrrrrrv. Well, that trope just makes me . . . .



Allow me to introduce our main characters. First up, the leading male . . .

“This is Alejandro Fuentes. When he wasn’t hanging out on street corners and harassing innocent people this summer, he toured the inside of jails around the city, if you know what I mean.”

And now, the leading lady . . . .

“This is Brittany Ellis. This summer she went to the mall, bought new clothes so she could expand her wardrobe, and spent her daddy’s money on plastic surgery to enhance her, aheam, assets.”

So basically we’re talking about . . .



And . . . .



There’s also a supporting cast of friends that are sometimes fairly hilarious . . . .

“You're like Danny Zuko in Grease. You smoke, you're in a gang, and you've dated the hottest bad girls around. Brittany is like Sandy . . . a Sandy who'll never show up to school in a black leather jacket with a ciggie hangin' from her mouth. Give up the fantasy.”

As well privileged white boy boyfriend, but he’s all . . .



Ewwwww. Pretend he doesn’t exist.

Alright, so Brittany and “Alex” get paired up together in Chemistry because ‘Murica is full of first world problems like not getting to pick a partner and being stuck with the person closest to you alphabetically instead. Y’all know what happens next – or eventually . . . . .



I give zero poops that this story has been done eleventy trillion times before. I will read it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It never gets tired for me and I love the “lesson” (if you can use that term when discussing a New Adult story) that is always learned . . . .



If you have a teenie bopper who is interested in delving into the world of romance but you’re terrified he/she is going to go the 50 Shades route, this is a good option. There is one sex, but it’s fade to black style with no deets.

I’m giving this one 3.5, but rounding down because (1) the bet with friends about getting in Brittany’s pants storyline was absolutely unnecessary and cheapened things just so there could be some manufactured drama and (2) if you use Chicago as a setting you need to know North Side and South Side are like opposite ends of the universe so the characters wouldn’t ever meet at school (picky, I know, but I’m allowed since it’s my review space).

Cuba!: Recipes and Stories from the Cuban Kitchen by Dan Goldberg, Andrea Kuhn, Jody Eddy

4 Stars

I thought eating goat would guaranty the Cubs a victory in Game 1 of the World Series . . . .











In case you are unaware of some pretty important sportsball history, in 1945 a dumb motherfucker Billy Sianis thought it would be totes cool to bring his pet goat in to Wrigley Field in order to watch Game 4 of the Series. After being booted on his ass (as should have happened) Sianis cursed the Cubs' organization with a promise that they would never win a world series again. And they haven't. In order to do my part in hopes of reversing the curse, I decided to pull out all the stops and cook the other other white meat . . . .











It’s what’s for dinner.





Alright, so I loooooooooove cookbooks. Like I love them so much I’m getting ready to pull one over on my husband Jeffrey . . . . wait, that’s The Barefoot Contessa’s husband’s name, not mine. Anyway, I want to sneak a bookshelf into the kitchen and Jeffrey or whatever his name is will just have to deal with it. I also understand why cookbooks cost so much money (assuming the book in question is – you know – a good one). Full color photography and sets and whatnot cost dollar dollar bills yo. That doesn’t change the fact that I am as broke as a mothereffin’ joke. At $22.50 retail Cuba!: Recipes and Stories from the Cuban Kitchen actually is quite the steal . . . . but I still prefer to get things for free.





(This is where I talk about the boring cooking part. If you want some funny ha-ha go read one of Ed’s cookbook reviews instead.)





The cover of this one alone was enough to make me want a copy. The sucker is just puuuuurrrrrty. And filling the pages with not only recipes but stories about Cuban culture and history was a winner with the bibliophile in me. When I sat down this weekend to peruse the selections to see what I could possibly cook a few recipes got post-it noted as possibilities, but (as stated above) the winner was glaringly obvious as soon as I saw it.





The first issue we had to deal with was obtaining goat meat. Butcher shop #1 gave us the option of “whole” or “half” and we ain’t talking pounds, kids. As much as I would have liked to channel my inner Big Fat Greek Wedding, I didn’t have time to build a pit in the backyard so that wasn’t going to work. Hubs called butcher shop #2 who had frozen goat meat available so that was the winner.

I left work early . . . . because priorities . . . . ran to the grocery store to pick up the other ingredients and came home to hopefully not kill my family with tainted meat start cookin’ . . . .











(Why yes, that does say “goat cubes” – I hope they didn’t pay the marketing person a whole lot to come up with that winner of a name.)





As you can see, there’s nothing complex about this recipe. (Sidenote: For any new cooks, I highly recommend you get recipes/cookbooks from any country other than ‘Murica (unless you have the chance to get a Martha Stewart cookbook because she is a goddess).) Good food doesn’t have to be complicated and I’ve found non-U.S. recipes do a good job at using the ol’ K.I.S.S. plan. This one did the same – meat, carrots, peppers, onion, tomatoes, cumin and oregano is about all there was to it. Served over a bed of rice it made for quite the pretty picture once complete . . . .











Too bad the Cubs couldn’t pull out a victory. Maybe I should have killed a goat????? Mitchell says next time. Let’s hope our boys in blue can get it done tonight - and that they partner Arrieta up with Grandpa Ross because they are magic together . . . .











If you won’t do it for my goat eating family, Cubs, do it for Harry and Bill . . . .











ARC provided by Crowne Publishing in exchange for an honest review.

Based On A True Story by Norm Macdonald

2 Stars

Man was I looking forward to reading this book. In case I haven’t made it really flippin’ crystal clear already, I’m a HUUUUGE fan of all things SNL. While others complain about bad seasons and bad casts, I am a constant defender and only acknowledge bad skits or bad reoccurring characters rather than opting to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I also believe Norm Macdonald is one of comedy’s most untapped resources. His dry delivery and “guy you’d like to have a beer with” approachability have made him a favorite of mine. Not to mention how well he did behind the news desk on the Weekend Update – that is, until jokes about a certain someone got to be too much and he ended up shitcanned . . . .



When it comes to reading books about SNL folks (or comedians in general, for that matter) I expect there to be a lot of funny ha-ha. While there was a blip about how a certain someone came to fruition . . .



And while there is obviously way more material to work with during this current election cycle . . .



There was a notable void in discussion of another pretty memorable candidate . . . .



Or even how the ever rotating casting of this character came to be . . . .



In fact, there was practically nothing mentioned about anything. Instead, Norm’s “biography” read a little like a long, strange acid trip or a road trip similar to another I’ve read about before . . . .



Basically, Norm’s book is nothing but bullshit. He spins yarns of a high-functioning morphine addiction, doing hard time in the joint (as well as butt-rape, natch), and running up a million dollar all-or-nothing marker in Vegas. Out of 200+ pages the only things that seemed to be real rather than “based on a true story” were Norm’s unending appreciation for Adam Sandler’s friendship and all he has done in order to keep enough cash in Norm’s pocket to keep purchasing his Wild Turkey 101 . . .





And a story of “Old Jack,” a hired hand who lived on his family’s farm for ages and one day took an 8 year old Norm to see his pet squirrel . . . .

“He closed the door and the inside of the shed went black. Then I heard the bolt. I forget what happened next.”

Needless to say that little tidbit threw me for a bit of a loop . . . .



I have no idea if this book will work for others. All I can say it is different from any other biography I’ve ever read.

Glitterland by Alexis Hall

5 Stars

We’ll call this that one time when I bit the bullet and took take my inspiration from Martha Raddatz - opting to stop resisting Glitterland and just “get this nightmare started” . . . .



Many of my friends (and more than a handful of my enemies) have been causing this book to appear on my feed for the past few years. However, since the average rating amongst people I actually want to associate with on GR sat at an astonishing 4.60 I stayed faaaaaaaaaaaaar far away. And also, that original cover?????



Well . . . .



Or cover. Yyou know what I’m sayin’. When the new cover came out, though . . . .



That new and improved cover is what finally broke me down and made me request Glitterland from the library.

So let’s get on with the book already. Really the only reoccurring complaint I noticed in my friends’ reviews was that one of the leading males was written like good ol’ Eliza Doolittle before Henry Higgins gold a hold of her . . . .



I pretty much dig on reading accents, so I wasn’t skuuuuuuuuuuuured of that. What I was scared of? Purple prose. Oh lort I’d rather just spoon my own eyeballs out than read that fucking drivel. I’ll be 100% honest and say Glitterland was not free of it . . . .

“He crashed over me like a wave and I was drowning. He shone so brightly and I was burning.”

Which did make me a little . . . .



But luckily for me there was a sparkly glitter pirate to counterbalance things who no matter how many times was described as platinum blonde remained, in my brain, this fella . . . .


(Thanks brain for not effin’ me over for once in my life!)

Said glitter pirate’s speech most definitely wasn’t of the purple variety . . .

“My name’s Darian Taylor.” We shook hands solemnly. Then he grinned. “And I’m gonna make sure you nevva forget it.”

Leaving me kind of like . . . .



I’ll be the first to admit from the outside looking in, this story should have been a big fat failure for me. Normally I’d blame it on the full moon or something, but Glitterland deserves better than a brush off. This story was wonderful. It was funny and touching and made me feel a variety of feels – the most surprising of which was unequivocal love . . . .

“Hunjed percent.”

All the stars.

All the Little Liars by Charlaine Harris

2 Stars

About a hundred years ago I went through a phase I like to refer to as the “summer of vampire.” I read all about the sparklies, the ones from Morganville, the ones teenage girls write diaries about. I read everything I could get my hands on except those written by She Who Shall Not Be Named. Eventually a friend took pity on me and informed me about the wonderful world of adult vampire stories which featured actual peen rather than an endless case of blue balls and a leading lady whose milkshake most definitely brought all the bloodsuckers to the yard like . . . .



And . . . .



Unfortunately by book 13 I was like . . . .



But it was good while it lasted. Since I hopped on the Sookie train waaaaaaay early I was pleasantly surprised to see Charlaine Harris had written several other series and read all of those as well. And that’s how I met Aurora Teagarden . . . .



Librarian by day and . . . .



Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn! Mystery solver by night – and also day – pretty much whatever time she can put her nosey ass into someone else’s business.

It had been years (as well as several skipped over books) since I had picked up this series, but due to Lifetime Television For Women and my maybe not so healthy girl crush on Candace Cameron Bure, Aurora had maintained a place in my heart. When All the Little Liars popped on my “recommended to you” shelf at both Goodreads and my library’s websites I figured what the hell. The weather had taken a turn to the chilly and it was a bit moist dreary outside making it the perfect night to break out my super sexy Mr. Rogers sweater I wear while reading cozy mysteries. The sight of said sweater caused a reaction in my husband that went something like “OH DEAR GOD, I THOUGHT YOU FINALLY GOT RID OF THAT UGLY FUCKING THING!” To which I responded “NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAH! and also . . . .



Then I commenced reading. And what did I find with Aurora’s ninth adventure????



Sadly, much disappoint. After my failure with the final Southern Vampire books I should have just left well enough alone when it comes to Ms. Harris. There just wasn’t much of anything to this story. The premise of missing/dead teenagers was good, but even though All the Little Liars checked in at a measly 229 pages at least 100 of those could have probably been left on the editing room floor . . . unless you’re interested in reading about Aurora’s grocery list when she goes to the local Piggly Wiggly or what she’s wearing/eating for dinner/etc. All filler with no substance makes Mitchell an angry boy . . . .

Blister by Jeff Strand

3.5 Stars

“I try to be sunshiny, but the whole ‘grotesque monster’ part gets in the way.” 


After a run-in with some horribly raised heathens, cartoonist Jason Tray is told by his agent to do his best What About Bob? impersonation and take a vacation from his problems. Sent to a cabin on a picturesque lake, Jason does what any man in his right mind would do – goes to the local watering hole and gets loaded with the locals. After getting thoroughly soused, the locals decide it’s a great time to take Jason to a shed inhabited by someone known as “Blister” . . . . .



Upon seeing said resident, Jason reacts a bit like so . . . .



The next day Jason wakes up feeling remorse (along with a fairly severe case of brown bottle flu) and decides he needs to go to Blister’s house in order to grab her in the . . . - j/k – he wants to apologize. And that is where the fun begins.

Jeff Strand is an author who has been on my radar pretty much since I joined Goodreads. I’ve had a failed experience with one of his shorts, my kid and I both had success with one of his middle-grade stories (and if you know my kid you’ll know it’s an effin’ struggle to get him to read every night), and he wrote one of my favorite books ever. I wanted Blister as soon as I saw the shushing-gauzed-face cover. Alas, I am poor because children will suck every damn penny from you so I put a shout-out if anyone had a lendable of this I had dibs. Which led to Copy Dan seeing Original Dan reading it and doing my begging for me. And that is why I love this place. Bitch all you want about the “upgrades,” but I’ve met some mighty fine people here. Oh, and in case you don’t know me, let me fill you in on a little secret . . . .



So it’s a farkin’ miracle I’ve somehow managed to find not only miserly curmudgeons like myself, but also super generous peeps like the Dans mentioned above. Well, one of the Dans is a curmudgeon as well, but that’s just the best of both worlds as far as I’m concerned.

Thanks again to both of you fellas for hooking me up with such a ridiculous little tale. It brought me quite the happy . . . .



Copy provided by the only best Dans I know!