Friday, October 23, 2015

Die Dog or Eat the Hatchet by Adam Howe

5 Stars
Die Dog or Eat the Hatchet is a collection of three novellas. I’ll be *cough* “reviewing” *cough* each separately. As always, this is giffed to the max so read at the risk of burning all your data in one go.


“The greatest trick the skunk ape ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn’t exist.”

Reggie Levine used to be a hot shit prizefighter – that is until he came across one Boar Hog Brannon. (Mitchell has been impossible to live with since reading those words. No, Mitchell, we aren’t giving this an automatic 5 Star. DO. NOT. ASK. AGAIN.)

Anyway, old Reg retired his boxing gloves and retired his ass to a permanent spot at the local uhhhhhhh, “watering hole” . . . .

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It’s there Reggie drinks his breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serves as a bouncer for the proprietor, Old Walt . . .

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Sidenote: I’m just gonna go ahead and leave the following here for me to come back later when I need some “inspiration” . . . .

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When a couple of locals decide to delve in to the world of adult film . . .

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Nope. I’m talking about some fetish porn in the form of a dude wearing a mascot costume that smelled like a fart in an elevator. It’s right before the big finish *wink wink* when the movie crew finds themselves abruptly interrupted by a surprise guest . . . .

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(Can’t tell which is Bigfoot and which is Clay Matthews.)

Anyway, I digress. With the starring male now MIA and a local Skunk Ape hunter hot on the trail, Reggie finds himself recruited to save the day.

This was a ton of fun. Action-packed and filled with humor. 17 Stars from Mitchell, but 3.5 for me since I knew where it was going the whole time. I don’t post spoilers, but if you follow my reviews enough you’ll notice I have a fondness for certain reoccurring characters (not Goldblum this time Jeff, so STFU). That's not to say I still didn't have a superfuntime : )


Y’all ready for this?????

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So much ewwwwww. Me likey.

Die Dog or Eat the Hatchet is a charming little tale of Terrence Hingle a/k/a “The Sorority Slayer.” Terrence found himself residing in the nuthouse after an . . . “encounter” with five members of Kappa Pi . . . .

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(Note to all men: Yes. This is exactly what women do whenever we get together.)

After biding his time Terrence makes his grand escape. Things are going along swimmingly until he makes a stop for gas and meets brothers Dwight and Dwayne . . .

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Terrence finds that despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.

This book is seriously f’d up. It gets a billion stars from both Mitchell and me. Now, if you’ll excuse me . . .

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“’It’s a delicate operation I’m running here. Any man rocks the boat, he’s going overboard.’
Or below deck, I thought.”

An . . . uhhhhhhh unfortunate incident . . .

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forced our MC to hightail it out of the city with no money to his name and minus a couple of fingers to boot. Ending up in a “backwater tonk in the willywags” it’s soon discovered that he can play a right fine pianey which earns him a job and the moniker “Smitty Three Fingers.”

Home of some world famous hooch and bare-it-all coochie gals, The Grinnin’ Gator is quite the destination. Smitty discovers he’s landed himself a pretty sweet gig. He has a roof over his head, is earning pert near city dollars even though he’s back in the stix, and he’s been lucky enough to stay on the owner’s good side so he’s not too worried about a close encounter with the resident badass, Big George . . .

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Everything will remain gravy as long as he remembers he has “sworn off dames for life” . . . .

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When I saw the title Gator Bait my mind immediately went in one direction . . .

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Which, of course, morphed into something else . . .

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Which led to . . . .

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Which is pretty much the same as saying . . .

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or #sploosh since I don’t have a peen and all that.

Even though I bought it awhile back, I finally heard enough to get off my dumper and read the dang thing. At under 100 pages I really have zero excuse for being tardy to this party. If you’re a fan of the ewwwww as well as some seriously developed characters and story all wrapped up in a tight little bundle, this one’s for you. And the noir tone? Yummmmmmmm. Just like icing on the cake. Unfortunately Mitchell came across this quote . . .

“Big George’s diet consisted mostly of chickens and rabbits . . . and once a PRIZED BOAR HOG . . . “

So he was out. He also demanded that I give it 1 Star, but I just shoved a sock in his mouth and found a replacement buddy to finish the read with me . . .

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Frank Engator says 7 Stars (he’s new at this reviewing stuff and how the Goodreads rating system works) so we have to cap it at 5. He also sympathizes with ol’ Smitty and his lack of digits since he suffers the same affliction. Should’ve kept your damn paws out of the honey pot, Frank!

This ARC was provided to me by the author after he saw my review of Gator Bait (a story which I PAID FOR, thank you very little). Adam Howe writes stuff I want to read. It doesn’t matter if we’re “friendly” on Goodreads – it’s hard to find someone who writes stories that are simultaneously twisted and yet oh-so-very-entertaining. He also delivers novellas of the perfect length with just enough mindf*ckery to keep me on the edge of my seat, but not enough to make me run away from them screaming.

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