Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Dear Asshole - 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life by Jillian Madison and Michelle Madison

1 Star
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If there’s one thing every person on the planet has in common, it’s that we’ve all had to deal with an asshole at some point. When I saw this little beauty available on the clearance shelves at my local Half Price Books for a measly buck I snatched it right up. I mean I work for attorneys for Jeebus’ sake – I figured I could probably use at least 100 out of the 101 tear-out letters confronting a-holes about their a-holery. Unfortunately, things didn’t quite go as planned.

While the idea behind this book was great, the delivery left much to be desired. When writing a funny book, it always helps to be – ya know FUNNY. This book served as a reminder why so many people think women can’t be comedians. Rather than unleashing hilarious or snark-filled rants to assholes, the sense of entitlement and low blows about weight/money/fashion made it pretty clear they were written by the asshole.

I’m all for leaving a note to the “Dear Asshole Who Didn’t Flush the Toilet” (a/k/a my children), or the Dear Asshole Who Keeps Pushing the Snooze Button” (a/k/a my husband), as well as the “Dear Asshole Sports Fanatic” (a/k/a my husband and children), and I’m sure he’d be interested in leaving me a “Dear Asshole Backseat Driver” note in return. But when everything from someone having the nerve to sing along at a concert to a person who stole a pen is deserving of a bitchout????? Homegirls need to do one of two things. Either . . .

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or . . .

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Not to mention some of the bass-ackwardest rants. You do realize the person in front of you ordering 8 coffees is most likely an intern (i.e., indentured servant) and would much prefer sitting in his/her cubicle playing Candy Crush instead of retrieving assorted half caffs and soy lattes, right? The person who actually deserves to get a note (or preferably a kick to the crotch) is this guy . . .

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You should also realize that some graffiti “artists” (quotes on you) you rage about have been commissioned to beautify the urban core . . . .

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And while most of us have been victims of a bad haircut or had our nasal passages nearly burned out by the person who wears too much body spray, if you are making notations about how much time someone spends “spam refreshing” your blog, YOU are most definitely the asshole – not them.

Oh, and another thing. You’re not allowed to complain about how unfair your ice cream shop experience was unless you are like me and when you get home this happens . . .

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Can I write a Dear Asshole letter to my actual asshole??????

If you’re looking for a similar idea with a much better execution, give Passive Aggressive Notes: Painfully Polite and Hilariously Hostile Writings a try. And if you find yourself regularly annoyed by people who don’t know how to park, do what I did and have some of these printed out . . . .

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It may save you from needing carpal tunnel surgery.

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