Thursday, December 17, 2015

Unholy Night by Seth Grahame-Smith

5 Stars
"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'" 

Well, slap my ass and call me Sally. This was quite the pleasant surprise. I was well aware of Seth Grahame-Smith’s ability to make something old brand new again after falling in love with his spin on Pride and Prejudice, but to take on the religious right? Oooooooh shit! That’s just asking for a one-way ticket to Antarctica. Imagine my delight when I discovered a tale that was not blasphemous at all. Now, those at Fox News could probably still find PLENTY to bitch about, but they currently HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH (endless thanks to Arthur *wink*).

This story is pretty much what you might expect it to be . . .

“And when the Great Temple has been rebuilt. When the city of David has been overrun and the ruins of Judea born anew, the Messiah shall appear – born of a virgin in the town of Bethlehem.”

The twist comes in the form of the three wise men – or more specifically ONE wise man named Balthazar . . .

Palm Springs commercial photography
(You’re welcome)

Balthazar had one M.O. – get the f*&^ outta dodge before his head ended up on the chopping block for being a thieving S.O.B. Unfortunately, a girl, her husband and . . . GOD’S baby (?!?!?!?!?!?!) slowed down his and his compatriots' progress. Balthazar might have a pretty shaky set of morals, but the one thing he can’t abide is baby killing so he GOES. TO WORK. on those suckas!!!!

and things get seriously biblical . . .

Action/adventure novels aren’t typically my idea of a good time. I’m so glad the author’s name convinced me to read this one. Unholy Night kicked ALL of the ass so it earns every Star (even the one in the East). And when certain characters made their first appearances????

“Tell the emperor that Pontius Pilate is here to see him.”

That brought back my catechism learning with a quickness.

Obviously there are no real spoilers when it comes to this tale, but this line:

“Nothing that bright burns for very long.”

Whoa. Even if you’re reading this as pure fiction, some things might happen . . .

STFU, Kourtney and go dry hump Bieber some more!

One final quote before I sign off:

“Kiss your mothers and fathers, your brothers and sisters. Tell them how much you love them, every day. Because every day is the last day. Every light casts a shadow. And only the gods know when the darkness will find us.”

^^^Those are words we all should live by.

Endless thanks to my buddy Ed for having the same kind of warped holiday spirit as me and agreeing to this buddy read. His review is guaranteed to be leaps and bounds better than mine because he’s a wordsmith for a living and I am just good at Google. If you like what he has to say, you should check out HIS UPCOMING RELEASE – available for only five days and for zero dollars (so even if you hate it, you'll still have money to buy booze to get you through the holidays).

Oh, one final weird tidbit. My buddy Ron 2.0 likes to create horrible little earworms as often as possible. Mine is probably not familiar to most, but I was singing the CRAP out of the Jesus Christ Superstar Soundtrack when I was doing housework this week. I'm one classy motherf*c ker ; )


Coming soon to a Goodreads near you - a buddy read by the Ho Ho Hos (a/k/a Easy E, Mitchell and myself) . . . .

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