Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Creamed by Cave Creatures by Chelsea Chaynes

2 Stars
Because nothing says HUMP DAAAAAAAAY like reading monsterporn while eating a Pop Tart . . .

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Errrrrr, sploosh????? Yeah, notsamuch.


When Dan said he had this little beauty sitting in his Kindle and it was also free I immediately demanded he buddy-read it with me. Dan was one of the first friends I made on Goodreads, he lives in flyover country like me, he reads quality stuff (present selection not included), and he actually knows how to write a review rather than only string funny pictures together. He’s obviously way more legit than me and everyone should follow him.

Okay, enough of the kissing of Dan’s butt. Let’s get on with the horrifying show . . .

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Creamed By Cave Creatures begins with our leading lady on a research trip in order to earn her doctorate . . .

“South America was filled with natural crevices, and I’d been in most of them.”

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She was warned to never go into the darkness of a cave alone, but since her research partner was having . . .

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she’s left with no choice. While spelunking in to the vast darkness where she will attempt to find a new “ecological system” our heroine shares details of the way the safety harness fits her “succulent ass” and “sultry body” . . .

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Luckily she makes it to the bottom safely. It’s only when she has to crawl through a rock formation into a smaller crevice that she runs into trouble . . .

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Oh bother! But there are cave creatures there to save the day. Hooray!!!!! Or maybe not . . .

“I felt his breath against my feet as he began to suck my toes. Then I felt another tongue slicking its way up my legs, over my thighs and then ending against my hard, throbbing . . .”

Well, you get the picture. Due to the darkness of the cave, our scientist is able to picture fellas like this . . .

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(Sidenote: Hollywood’s cutest couple. Amiright or amiright???)

licking her like a lollipop should be licked. It’s only after she’s been taken seven ways to Sunday, including . . . .

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that she sees who is really making her “butthole flutter” and “jabbing her uterus.” She also quickly discovers that these guys don’t experience post coital bliss and instead she has upset the “balance of this finely tuned ecological niche.” It’s only by pure luck that she manages to escape. Buuuuuuuut, she brought back a little souvenir (!!!!!) which claws its way out of her uterus and runs to the nearest sewer. And that’s how the legend of the gator in the toilet began. The end : )

Okay, so monster erotica is most definitely not my fort√©, but somehow I can’t help thinking this was still wasn’t very good. While I appreciated the attempt at having a plot, once you get banged by a bunch of monsters is it even really necessary? There were also several typos which I can overlook since this was zero dollars. The one thing I really didn’t like? The story ends at 45%. I mean the story was ABSOLUTELY FINISHED by that point and I didn’t need any more, but I also don’t want a bunch of previews working as advertising to get me to buy more.


Buddy read with The One, The Only, The Original Dan tomorrow because he is a filthy pervert who can't get the idea of making much of the sex with this guy . . .

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off his mind.

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