Thursday, January 1, 2015

The Pact by Karina Halle

3 Stars
Did you know Voodoo Doughnut makes beer?

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See that? They do. Did you know that it tastes like chocolate covered raspberry pretzels and it goes down so smooth you don't even know you're a little intoxicated until it's too late. Well, you do now. And finally, did you know that when you're drunk a little intoxicated and spent your New Year's Eve day reading a porno, that when you come home after celebrating you think it's probably a STELLAR idea to write a book review? Some people sing drunken karaoke, some blog - to each his own. Lucky for me I some drunken idiot kicked the WiFi unplugged so this review was unable to get posted in the wee hours of the morn. However, I only fixed the glaring typos and code issues, so my apologies for what comes next . . .


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I read about 2 dirty books a year, so I'm obviously no aficionado when it comes to reviewing books about the sexy times. Generally I pick the latest "mommy porn" of choice that everyone else is reading. That being said, you should obviously take the following review with a grain of salt.

Let's get the bad stuff out of the way first . . . It seems every "contemporary romance" or whatever the fark they're calling it these days suffers from the same issues (well, this one didn't have a "red room of pain," so at least it had that going for it) - overused plotlines and too many pages.

This story was soooooooo familiar. Boy and girl are BFFs - it goes without saying that they are both wicked hot. They've both been secretly horny for each other for years, but are both pansies so neither has ever bothered telling the other. Instead they've spent the years ogling each others fine bodies and beating their individual meats with fantasies of "what could be." Boy and girl decide to make a pact with regards to their relationship if they should both find themselves still single once they are 30 . . .

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Sadly, no - these two go for the old "marriage pact." However, eventually boy and girl decide to take the plunge without getting hitched, things work, then some super obvi plot-twist happens and things don't work anymore, and finally they both realize they've been a couple of buttholes and everything wraps up with a HEA.

^^^^All of the above would be A-Okay (at the end of the day this is a porno after all, so I'm not expecting a heavy plot). The problem lies with the abundance of pages and hashing and rehashing of the "should we or shouldn't we" issues. By the time these two finally got down to the shibibbity dibbitty even a prude like me was experiencing some sexual frustration . . .

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Dear dirty book authors - you should all be following the old saying of K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid). There's no need for an extra 50-100 pages of "will they or won't they." We all know they will, so get on with it.

I can say that when they did finally get on with it, my glasses got a little fogged up . . .

They first go 'round was hot . . . and not disgusting like so many others. Halle was able to express herself and cover the moment without using most of my gag-reflex trigger words. I mean, every once in awhile it's cool to talk about

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but when authors mix it with all the other icky "C" words and use them every other word it makes me want to barf. Eventually they got into dirty talk and other stuff like squicks me out, but it was still quality naughty business.

Another bonus was even though this story was cliché I still found myself "awwwwwwing" on occasion:

"A week ago we were friends. Now we are lovers. It feels perfect. Almost too good to be true. And because of that, I'm afraid it might be. I'm afraid it won't come easily to us. I'm afraid."

And some of it was just flat out hawt:

"I'd kiss you right now if I could, if the whole world wasn't watching. Right on the lips. So hot and sweet you'd think I was honey. I'd make you want to drown in it."

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Tons of people read Karina Halle and I was feeling like the lone holdout. I'll definitely give her another go. She writes well - especially dialogue. I'm a fan of dialogue driven stories and she's good at it. The price point was also on the money at only a couple of bucks.

First drunk review. NAILED IT!

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