American Gods by Neil Gaiman

4 Stars

“Yes, it’s still God’s Own Country. The only question is, which gods?”
All Shadow wanted to do upon his early release from prison was get home to his beloved wife and start his new life working for his best buddy. He didn’t plan for their untimely demise (with bestie's peen in wifey’s mouth, no less) in a gruesome automobile accident. Broke and alone, Shadow accepts a job offer from a mysterious, elderly stranger known as Mr. Wednesday. And then the tale begins.

Gak! I don’t even know where to start with this. I’ve had much success with Gaiman’s work in the past (so much so he’s made it to my pretty limited list of “Favorite Authors”), but I admit to actively avoiding this one for years – mainly due to the fact that just the idea of 652 pages makes my brain bleed unless I’m in the right mood. But then the library dangled free crap in front of me and added this to its recommendation list of books that might “Push Your Shelf” so I bit the bullet.

And what did I find? Well, for a good chunk of time I was reminded a bit of one of my old faves . . . .



After meeting Shadow and Wednesday, a road trip of epic proportions commenced which introduced a bevy of additional characters into the mix. Characters such as a six-and-a-half foot tall leprechaun, a talking raven who refused to say “nevermore,” three strange sisters as well as a pretty decent checkers player who got his kicks betting on the right to bash his opponent's brains out, pagans unfamiliar with the goddess Ēostre, Lucille Ball talking through the television set, bus riders and a hitchhiker, a very Andy Taylor type of constable and one dead wife who just couldn’t seem to go away. American Gods became reminiscent of Seinfeld in the way that it seemed like nothing was really happening, aside from the fact that the reader continually was receiving reminders that . . . .



Or something like that.

I was a little concerned that I wouldn’t be able to let go and enjoy this story, mainly because I didn’t vibe with Shadow right away due to his proclivity for coin tricks which had me picturing . . . .



Blech. I was also a tad apprehensive that I wouldn’t be able to stop comparing American Gods to one of my blasphemous favorites, and since this wasn’t happening on the Starz television program . . . .



My husband wasn’t interested in tuning in on my behalf and telling me whether or not this puppy squisher would be worth my time.

Since I read it in roughly 24 hours, I’d say it was a winner. Now I’m not going to go out on a limb and say this is a book for everyone because it most definitely isn’t. I’m not lying when I say nearly the entire book is all about the build-up as you follow that one main player . . . .



But Gaiman’s words are smooth as butter and he once again works his magic weaving an oh-so-elaborate spider web of characters. That’s how it earns 4 Stars.

I can’t say I’ll be reading the second in this series anytime in the near future, but I have a feeling Norse Mythology will happen sooner rather than later for one simple fact . . . .



Book #4 in the “Push Your Shelf” challenge. Thanks library for making me get off my ass and finally open this one!

The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli

4 Stars

Usually when I hear word on the street that “such and such book is just the sweetest thing you’ll ever read” my reaction is pretty much . . . .



Lucky for me I didn’t know this was going to be full of such sugary goodness I’d get multiple cavities from it before I attempted (and failed, per usual) to snatch up a NetGalley copy. However, the unavailability of this title didn’t slow me down one bit as I showed the porny library a woman can’t live on smut alone and requested this be purchased (and he/she did because he/she is the best!). And now Mitchell refuses to speak to me because I’m all . . . .



Meet Molly . . . .

“I’ve had crushes on twenty-six people, twenty-five of whom are not Lin-Manuel Miranda. Twenty-three of whom are age-appropriate, real-life, viable crush-objects. Eighteen of whom were definitely single and interested in girls at the time of my crush. And I never even tried. Not even with the ones who talked to me first.”

Molly is like a lot of teenaged girls. Her self-image doesn’t keep her balled up in the fetal position, but she’s never been willing to risk rejection either . . . .

“I guess it’s just this feeling that my body is secretly all wrong. Which means any guy who assumes I’m normal is going to flip his shit if we get to the point of nakedness. Whoa. Nope. Not what I signed up for. It makes me never want to be naked. And it’s not like I could be a Never Nude. I don’t even like jean shorts.”

^^^^And that is when I fell in love, because a Tobias Fünke reference?????



That right there is the key to my heart.

When Molly’s twin sister gets her first girlfriend, Molly comes to the realization that she’s never been rejected because she’s never given anyone the opportunity to reject her – and she has never rejected anyone either. Now if she can only get past “this feeling in my stomach like ribbon curling” and actually, you know, put herself out there a little better than she usually does . . . .

“Hi. Let’s converse about topics.”



I loved every dang page of this book. Molly was a relatable breath of fresh air as a YA voice. Her internal voice was hilarious and had me chuckling out loud multiple times. There was no “insta-love,” but rather a relationship that developed from friendship to more over time. And the message of everyone being allowed to “want whatever you want” was so simple, but oh so true. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise????



EDIT: BECAUSE OH MY GOD NOW I KNOW WHY I WANTED THIS FROM NETGALLEY!

Okay, this author wrote Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda which made me grotesquely happy and unrecognizable to all my friends and family a couple of years ago. I'm officially going to read anything this woman puts out there at this point. Old lady brain sucks, but thank god GR helps fill in (some of) the blanks when I am suffering from a severe case of C.R.S.

Cream of the Crop by Alice Clayton

3 Stars

A few weeks ago I read a porno scientific journal about a doctor with a manbun. That imagery didn’t work out so well for me, but since my brain is a disgusting pervert it simply ignored those references and thought splooshy things about Dr. McSteamy instead. But the pervert inside my skull kept nagging me with the question of just what profession (other than rock god, natch) would longhair be splooshtastic. Then I remembered this series about farmers and this cover and oh my word . . . .



And this is the part where authors should never worry about how I’ve rated their previous books. After finishing this second book I pulled up my review for the first where I left a clear reminder to myself to not read any more of these. Good try, brain! Too bad I’m a fucking idiot and forgot. I actually really dug this one until the second half when tropes got tropey and my ladygarden dried out – but I’ll get to that in a minute.

The premise of Cream of the Crop is that Manhattanite Natalie spends every Saturday morning perusing the offerings at the farmer’s market with her final stop being Oscar’s booth where she purchases . . . .

“Cheese. Cheeeeeese. What a thin, flat, nasal-sounding word for such a luscious, rich, gorgeous thing. Hard. Soft. Ripe. Grainy. Creamy. Often stinky. I’d yet to find a cheese I didn’t adore.”

Just reading the above had my gastrointestinal system reminding me that I could never be a cheese connoisseur . . . .



We quickly discover that Natalie is a hot redhead, because . . . .




As well as being not-your-average-smexybook-leading-lady . . . .



Yep, ol’ Nat is a tried and true husky gal . . . .

“Size-eighteen women were supposed to be timid. Size-eighteen women were supposed to be grateful for any male attention, and to feel especially honored if a good-looking man paid attention to them. Fuck all that noise.”

Now, please note that I could really give a shit whether the broads in my porn are fat or thin or anything in between. 99.999999% of the time, I’m reading for the peen. Thanks to Natalie’s description of the dairy farmer . . . .

“I’d dated bad boys, and I’d fucked my share. But this guy was like . . . hmm. Cross a bad boy with a supermodel, add a dash of linebacker with a big scoop of Polynesian love.”

Along with a public service announcement type of commercial that plays incessantly . . . .



I got to announce just how gross I am and twisted that sweet daddy/daughter moment into my porntastic fantasy while I pictured Roman Reigns as Oscar Mendoza . . . .



#growwwwwwwwl

Things were going swimmingly with a female lead bursting with (almost too much) self-confidence and a sexy farmer who had me chuckling as he learned just how important a comma is when Natalie couldn’t quite figure out if he was trying to tell her about her “great big ass” or her “GREAT, big ass.”

The first meet/cute between Natalie and Oscar where she went all West Side Story thinking that it “could be, who knows????” had me grinning from ear to ear . . . .



And Natalie’s internal playlist had me channeling my inner Pixie with reference to “Here Comes Your Man.” Unfortunately the never ending song stylings got old real quick . . . .



But there was still so much working for this book. Mainly all the . . . .



Then we got introduced to Oscar’s super passive aggressive ex-wife and he became a fucking moron with zero clue about what is normal/not normal regarding how couples should behave after they get divorced and Natalie did a 180 and became all broken and pathetic because of some fat-shamey type of boyfriend she had way back in the dizzle and my lady boner wilted and I got a little ragey.

This one will probably work better for nearly everyone else than it did for me. If you aren’t one who falls victim to endless eyerolls due to the stupidity in the paragraph above, you’ll do just fine. You’ll even get a good ol’ fashioned It’s a Wonderful Life type of wrap-up if you stick around . . . . .

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

2 Stars (barely)

Ouch. What a slog this friggin’ thing was. The Red Tent has literally been pushed on me by real life friends/family/acquaintances for the past 10 years. Being a not-so-religious type of gal, I actively avoided it knowing it would most likely not be my cuppa, as well as to keep the peace. When the library challenge came around requesting readers to “push their shelf” I figured it was time to bite the bullet. Now I only hope that this doesn’t accidentally get shared to Facebook so I can continue pretending I’m not a complete heathen.

The Red Tent is Dinah’s (fictional) “memoir” which tells the stories of herself and her family passed from woman to woman the first week after the new moon while they all cohabitate in the red tent due to . . . .



It confirms the theory that if you put a group of females together long enough, they will all surf the crimson wave at the same time each month.

It also is a great example of how we should maintain the sanctity of marriage between and a man and a woman FOUR women. Yeah, don’t let those homosexuals cheapen things, let’s go back to sisterwives of the bible times! /endsarcasm

Oh and you ladies don’t need to worry about becoming a bridezilla or “saying yes to the dress.” According to the Old Testament, all you have to do is make the sexuals with your crush and you will officially be wed.

Feel free to worship false idols as well. Especially if you can steal them from your molesty, wife-beating granddaddy ‘cause that bastard sure as hell doesn’t deserve them.

Oh, and are those 12 sons (and god knows how many nameless daughters since females are stupid and shouldn’t even bothered being mentioned) wearing you out? See your sister/husband’s other wife and she’ll hook you up with some morning after herbs. Just don’t ask the government to pay for it!

I know, I know, I know . . . .



Save your breath.

The one thing this book did was prove that all the religious zealots are just as fucking nutty as I always thought they were. Try reading more than Leviticus before becoming morally outraged. For the people like me who aren’t so bible-y? If you like world building, this is a winner. You’ll hear all about walking across the desert and great details about EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THEY. ATE. What you won’t be privy to is anything that is actually interesting. Like slicing the throats of every man in an entire city. Because, what kind of flatbread they had for dinner is definitely more important than genocide . . . . .



2 Stars (barely).

Book #3 in my quest for new free crap. Go me!

 

The Darkest Corners by Kara Thomas

2.5 Stars

I’m pretty sure this ended up on my Kindle when I went looking for a library book that wasn’t available so this was offered as a suggestion instead . . . . but I’m not positive because – well . . . .



Before I begin I need to apologize to this book for being the next thing I picked up after suffering from a severe bookhangover from Boy’s Life. I’m not sure anything I read would have been able to get me out of the fog that one left me in, but I am fairly certain this still would have just been “meh” for me.

The story here is about Tessa and her former bestie Callie who had a hand in putting a man behind bars for a series of murders of young women back when they were just kids. Fastforward to the present where Tessa has returned to small town Pennsylvania in an attempt to see her inmate father before he dies. While there, another friend goes missing, making Tessa and Callie question whether the man they identified as a serial killer so many years ago was actually innocent.

Sounds pretty decent, right? Unfortunately, things went south for me real quick when Tessa began questioning whether or not her estranged sister could have actually been the killer . . . .



It was pretty clear that was going to end up being a “bait and switch” sort of plotline that would morph into something else – and since this was a thriller that something else would come nearly at the end of the whole book . . . . which it did, but for 200 some pages of all the obvious f*&^ery had me saying . . . .



2.5 Stars for readability, but rounded down because in a week or two I will remember absolutely nothing about this book.

The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien

4 Stars

“You can tell a true war story by the way it never seems to end. Not then, not ever.”
I had every intention of reading this on Memorial Day, but once I started I began having feelings and y’all know I try my best not to ever let that happen so I put it on the backburner. Buuuuuuuut, since the library’s Summer Reading Challenge is all about pushing your shelf, I knew I was going to have to finally bite the bullet and read this one.

The Things They Carried isn’t really anything most people of a certain age haven’t experienced before. If you are of the dinosaur generation, you’ve probably seen most of the content contained in this collection of vignettes a time or twelve on the big screen over the years . . . .



That’s not to say it is a book that should be skipped. It earns its spot on the “100 Books To Read Before You Die” list as well as every one of the 4 Stars (and a nearly unheard of 4.41 collective Stars amongst my friends) I’m giving it. This book is brutal, and nauseating, and horrifying and most definitely serves as a reminder that . . . .

“War is hell.”

But maybe that’s exactly what people need to remember. People like most of us who sit safely on our couches and question whether or not we’re watching “fake news covfefe” on a nightly basis while others who are barely more than children are the potential pawns in a grotesque game of chess. The Things They Carried should be a required read for all because if you can’t stomach reading about it, you need to be paying attention to who you are voting for in order to make sure you don’t force a new generation into reliving it. A generation made up of people like this young man, who did what his country asked and fought in the Vietnam War, but was never the same again upon his return . . . .



I think of you almost every day and this book was almost impossible for me to read because of it.

Book #2 of the “Push Your Shelf” challenge. I will definitely fill this glass with beer and raise it in memoriam of my uncle once I receive it.

Fierce Obsessions by Suzanne Wright

2 Stars

Werewolf stories are one of the standard go-tos for me when I start to think it’s probably time to conduct some science experiments with my husband, if ya know what I’m sayin’. They tend to average about 3 Stars, follow similar storylines and one blends right into the other. But I still request them almost every time I see one available because . . . .



Sadly, Fierce Obsessions ended up being seriously meh for me. Am I going to have to turn in my slut card??????



Hopefully not.

While there was the trademark wolfy story things like ooooooh that smell – can’t you smell that smell???? (this time it was “harvest spice, warm apple and wood smoke” for him and “dark-red fruit, coconut milk and black lace” (WTF does lace smell like?!?!?!?!) for her), a mystery to be solved, the two leads hating each other (which meant they waited until like page 2 to start banging), etc. – the difference this time was that she was a . . . . . .



There was also a difference with him. I read these books for quality assholes who say things like . . . .



But Tao? He was more like . . . . .



Seriously:

“You don’t get to tell me what to do just because we fuck.”

“Fuck?” It was a whisper. “We fuck? That’s it?”

If you guessed the dude said the first line, you’d be wrong. Like I said . . . .



I did get a little chuckle at the nickname “Fenris” . . . . .



But it would have been more impressive if she’d used Maugrim instead . . . .



Shut up, Mitchell.

Anyway, things got worse for me when it came to the sexuals which had things like this happening . . . .

“He used one finger to scoop up some of her cream.”



That sounds like a yeast infection. Sorry husband, no science for you. Not to mention the trademark “claiming of her ass” that has to happen in all wolfporn WITH. NO. LUBE. W-T-Actual-F?!?!?!?!?!?!?



I guess he just used all that extra cheese from her taco to grease the poopshoot.

So this one didn’t work out so great for me or my sploosh factory, but Val liked it okay and she’s a better wolf ho than I am so I’m sure she’s the one who read it right.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!