Donnybrook by Frank Bill

3 Stars

 

This has a 4.40 rating among my friends. My honorary man card????



I just don’t think my penis was big enough to truly enjoy this one.

Donnybrook is quite possibly the most brutal thing I’ve ever read. It’s the tale of a mash-up of about a billion characters, all thinly connected who converge at . . . you guessed it – THE DONNYBROOK. What is the Donnybrook, you ask? Well, it’s kind of like this . . .


(Get you some, Jared Leto)

But unlike the picture above, you can most definitely talk about this fight club. The fight is just a blip on the radar when it comes to this story, though. First you have to meet the ensemble. Folks like Jarhead Earl who is just trying to do whatever it takes to support his family . . .


(I’m about 147% certain ol’ Jarhead didn’t look like that, but I am a disgusting pervert so it was really easy to convince myself he did.)

Then you have Angus – a real entrepreneur . . .



And his high-class sister, Liz . . .



I can’t forget Fu . . .



Even a man of the law gets in the mix on this one . . .



As I said, after an infinite number run-ins, shoot ‘em ups, beat ‘em ups and about everything else that could possibly draw blood you can imagine the story ties together in a bloodbath of epic proportions.

So obviously I read this wrong (goes without saying at this point, right?). I’m going to blame it on the timing. Having just come off a Donald Ray Pollack followed up by Miriam Black with only a couple of pornos highly intellectual novels in between my brain wanted to compare this apple with similar apples. For me Donnybrook lacked a bit in the plot/character development department. However, if you are looking for a high body count, a soundtrack featuring Johnny Cash and some pretty freaking quotable quotes . . .

“Is that spite or disrespect? You making a threat?”

Angus told him, “I don’t make threats. I offer moments to reconcile one’s shitty choices.”

Then look no further. I’ll definitely be keeping Frank Bill on my radar in order to see what his twisted brain can come up with next.

Many thanks to Ron 2.0for forcing this down my throat politely telling me I should read this book. I almost even agreed with you! Mitchell says thanks too. He found this highly educational. He also requests if you're ever in our neck of the woods you stop by (preferably while I'm at work) and drop off some Sudafed and empty Mountain Dew two liters. He wouldn't tell me why he needed them, though *shrug*.

Ice Planet Barbarians by Ruby Dixon

3 Stars

 

IT'S A BOOK STARRING HORNY BLUE ALIENS!!!!!
Allow me to express my feelings with a dance . . .



In case you aren’t aware, I’m friends with a bunch of freaks. Go read their reviews if you want words – or stay here for the pictureshow.

All Georgie wanted to do after a hard day at work was go home, eat her Lean Cuisine and catch some zzzzzzzs. Unfortunately some little green men had a different idea in mind . . . .



Georgie wakes up to find herself on an alien spaceship with a bunch of fellow captives who soon realize they need to do whatever it takes in order to escape some seriously rapey guards who look a lil’ something like this . . . .



Lucky for them some turbulence helps their cause and they crash land here . . .



Sorta. Turns out the number of moons doesn’t match up, but winter is coming has come (or is permanent) and it’s cold as shit so they dub the land "Not Hoth." Since Georgie kicked so much of the basketballhead ass she gets nominated to go find help or food or whatever. And what does she find? Well, she finds she kind of sucks at being a hero and promptly gets captured – only to be awakened by a giant blue alien named Vektal who likes to make with the . . . .



Of her ladygarden.

WIN! Okay, it takes her about a minute day or two to change her mind about making with much of the sex, but once she does she discovers she has hit a veritable goldmine when it comes to magic peen because dudebrah’s comes equipped with not only like 17 inches, but also some nobby thing on the top that should remind most adult women of a very popular household appliance . . .



And I was like . . . .



She also teaches him to “mouth mate” which made me LOL for realz . . .



Then stuff and things happened with respect to all the other broads back on the ship and the world is built and you get all of the necessary info dumpy type of stuff out of the way so you can get to (hopefully) 100% pure shabbibidy dibbidy come the second book in the series.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, OF COURSE I pictured the giant blue alien to really look like this once they started making with the bang bang . . .



Many thanks to my oh-so-very porny Pal for bequeathing me this delightful little nugget. It’s awesome to have friends who understand that even buttholes like me deserve some smut in our lives : )

Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell

4 Stars

 

Before we kick things off, here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice: Don’t read this when it’s 40-some degrees and the wind is blowing out of the North at a steady 15-20 MPH while you’re stuck outside at your kids’ ballgames all day. The title ain’t lying – it takes place in winter and the author does a good job of reminding you just how wintery things are . . .



The story begins with 16 year old Ree evaluating her surroundings. Winter is fast approaching, the wood pile isn’t big enough, the cupboards aren’t full enough, the clothes aren’t warm enough. But believe it or not, Ree has bigger things on her mind – mainly that her daddy has been MIA for a while. Now, ol’ Jessup Dolly was never going to win a father-of-the-year award (most crank cookers don’t), but at least he’d drop by some food or money when he wasn’t with the family. Now it turns out Jessup has jumped bail and Ree’s family will lose what very little they have unless Ree can track him down . . . dead or alive.

That’s your story folks. A little girl forced to grow up ahead of her time due to her deadbeat father and batshit mother, drop out of school to take care of her family, battle the elements (of both the weather and criminal varieties), and do it all because she maintains a dream that she’ll make it to her 18th birthday, join the Army and escape once and for all.

In case you need it spelled out for you, this book is freaking BLEAK . . . .



And even a nutcase like me couldn’t help escape having a feeling or two. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain I knew that this was a movie, but I didn’t know that it was THE movie that started J-Law on her path to most sought after leading lady in Hollyweird until after I was finished and IMDB’d it. If I ever stumble across the film on one of the movie channels, I’ll probably watch it, but for now Daniel Woodrell’s writing painted such a clear picture that I already feel like I watched it.

Recommended to anyone who likes to make themselves depressed on purpose like I do. What can I say? I’m not normal . . .



This review is kind of half-assed (even compared to usual). Work is nuts and right now it’s more important for me to stuff my face with Jimmy John’s than write this thing up on my lunch hour. Go read Trudi’s review instead. She uses words and stuff.

Savage Urges by Suzanna Wright

3 Stars

 

Looky looky it’s a werewolf porno!!!!!



Usually I request books like these from NetGalley because I have an addiction to that effing site and can’t stay away. This time, however, it’s all Val’s fault. Of course, it didn’t take much arm twisting to get me to go grab up something that might star this guy as the male lead . . .



Yum. That makes my ladygarden go . . .



Wait. No it doesn’t. BECAUSE I’M A LADY AND WOULD NEVER BE VULGAR. Anyway, this was werewolves, it looked like it would make with much of the sex, the leading male was an alpha “enforcer,” the female lead was a loner and full of sass, etc. All of the things that get checked off in the “win” column when I’m reading something for science. It even had a nickname that made me LOL rather than stab a pillow (view spoiler)[White Fang – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (hide spoiler)] (If you want a synopsis, you should probably go read an actual review instead of my picturebook, but bottom line is she’s a loner [for reasons], he is emotionally retarded [for reasons], they meet because she volunteers at a shelter and ends up in contact with a teenage runaway relative of his, they sniff a whiff of each other’s desire and honeypots and all that jazz, stuff and things happen that bring the drama, bad guy, fight fight, yada yada, much sex.)

So things went’ quite well for awhile . . .

“I’m not going to claim you until you’re positive in your mind that I’m your mate. But I am going to fuck you.”

And I was all . . .



But then like A LOT of plot happened and you know I have the attention span of a gnat so my inner wolf was like . . .



3 Stars because it was quality werewolfy good times and was just as good as my first go ‘round with this author. I do have one question, though – why are her dudes all about . . .



And then trying to stick it in their girl’s butt to show they are 100% in true love? True love ain’t got nuttin’ to do with my pooper, pal!

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

Big Maria by Johnny Shaw

5 Stars

 

When trying to figure out what to say about Big Maria I was tempted to just leave it with “It was guud and I lerved it” because this review is pretty much going to be the equivalent of . . .



Stop me if you’ve heard this one: An Indian, a drunk and a cripple walk into a bar . . . Okay, not really. It’s more like a grown-up version of the Goonies if it were birthed by the Cohen Brothers. This is the tale of three loveable and oh-so-very-down-on-their-luck losers who catch a whiff of gold fever and wander off into Arizona’s Chocolate Mountains in order to find a long abandoned treasure. Along the way, they learn they need to be very careful where they step . . .



Get chased by a couple of bumbling idiots and their momma who happen to think that . . . .



And have the most unexpected soundtrack to help them through their journey . . .



Can they make it through the wilderness? Can they make it through-oooh-oooh? Read the book to find out. Oh and if you’re a female you might discover your voice drops a couple of octaves and a penis starts to sprout by the time you’re finished because this mahfah is high on testosterone.

Now for a little confession (you really didn’t expect this thing to not go off the rails, did you?). Johnny Shaw went on my radar along with Joe Lansdale because errrrryone I respect/agree with (excluding Ron 2.0 – it was probably just a fluke that we agreed on something) was really digging his stuff. Since I am an old geezer, I promptly forgot about Mr. Shaw and moved on to porn other books. When I saw Kemper’s review awhile back I was reminded I should check this fella out. So I put in my little request at the liburrrrry, waited for eternity for my turn and had one humdinger of a good time. Then I started browsing through my NetGalley account in order to see how many demerits I would be earning for the trillions of ARCs I fail at ever getting around to and noticed that Dove Season by JOHNNY SHAW was on the list. Yep, no wonder he sounded so familiar . . .



Anyway, I’ll be getting to Dove Season soon . . . well, maybe. If I’m being totally honest I’m probably forget about it again.

To get back on track and wrap things up, I loved this damn book. I can’t remember the last time I belly-laughed like I did with this one . . .

“If we don’t return the head, his soul wanders, damned. We could be haunted. Or cursed.”

“Do you really believe that?” Harry said, concern in his voice.

“No, I’m just messing with you and the kid,” Frank said. “The guy sounded like a bastard. Landfill’s good enough for me.”

Not to mention I have the mentality of a 12-year old boy . . .

“Careful not to cut yourself.”

“Really? I hadn’t thought of that. Hey, what does this remind you of?”

Harry grabbed the handle of the katana with both hands and stroked it up and down in a not-so-subtle jerking off motion.

Yep, masturbation jokes and morons who go searching for gold armed with a Japanese sword. Good times . . .



One final thing: I tend to get trolled by dudes when I write reviews on “dude books.” Generally these . . . . . . gentlemen like to point out that I’m an idjit due to my use of pictures - and sometimes because I have a vagina (those dudes are probably related to Donal Drumpf). To them I say DUH and to quote from Big Maria I “ain’t no rocket surgeon” and never claimed to be. Keep your trolly little comments to yourself – or better yet write your own review . . .

 

I Drink For A Reason by David Cross

3 Stars

 

When a book by David Cross popped up on my library’s recommended page, my reaction was kind of like this . . .



Oh how I love the magic which is Tobias Fünke, Mr. Show, and Cross’ stand-up shows. Like myself, David is a member of the last generation to not exit the womb immediately butt-hurt and his comedy stylings prove it. If you are easily offended, steer clear ‘cause Mr. Cross takes issue with just about errrrrrrrrrry sensitive subject, including race, religion, sex, etc. If are of the crybaby sort, I have a feeling Cross would react kind of like this on a good day . . .



Or maybe this on a bad one . . .



Okay, I’m seriously NOT as old as the following statement would lead you to believe, but I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a kid and they were huge Andy Rooney fans. If you’ve ever read one of his books or forgone all of the newsy parts of 60 Minutes but tuned in for the last five which consisted of Rooney’s commentary, you might enjoy this book. Cross is as curmudgeonly as Rooney and his couple of page rambly entries have a similar delivery to Rooney’s as well.

Due to a severely not cooperative gastrointestinal system I never developed the habit of reading while on the crapper. However, if you are of the sort who likes to have a variety of reading materials at the ready to peruse during your morning constitutional, this would be a great choice. Filled with everything from random lists to epic rants, Cross covers nearly every topic you never thought you were interested in reading about. And he does so with such a could give a shit attitude that I was all . . .



My favorite selection of the book was “Ideas for T-shirts to Be Sold at Urban Outfitters.” I would wear every single one of these motherf*ckers . . .



3 Stars because this is definitely a book served best in small doses and because Cross made the monumental mistake of responding to a bad review (on a blog written by someone who most definitely appeared to be the a-hole in the situation right up to the point where Cross went to her site and told her she wasn’t entitled to have an opinion - even if said opinion was of the ermagherd everything offends me variety). Dear Darling David, 99.99999% of the human population probably had not even heard of the twat who took such offense to your Romney/Mormon jokes, but when you went and commented she most likely got a shitpile of undeserved attention/praise. Stay away (far far away) from those who don’t appreciate your brilliance – or at least be aware that when you go to someone else’s house and shit on their carpet, it is YOU who ends up looking the troll : (

A Study In Emerald by Neil Gaiman

1 Star

 

My immediate reaction upon finishing this shorty . . .



When a German noble goes missing, it’s up to everyone’s favorite sleuth Sherlock Holmes Who to solve the case . . .



Left with a clue written in the victim’s blood . . .



No, wait. That’s not right. Oh yeah, it was Rache. The consulting detective and our narrator discover there might be more to this mystery than meets the eye . . .



And I didn’t get it. Why did everyone love this? I’m so dummmmmmmmbbbbbbbb (*insert sad face*).

The couple things I did like were the olde timey newspaper layout and the advertisements interspersed throughout . . .



But the story? I didn’t much care for it at all. Good news is, it not only has an eleventy trillion rating on Goodreads but it also won some smarty farty award, it’s free so errrrryone can read it (and read it right instead of wrong like me) HERE, and it’s Gaiman so I will gladly keep lapping up his Kool Aid even though this one was a fail for moi . . .