The Traveling Vampire Show by Richard Laymon

1 Star

I actually read this several weeks go, but never got around to reviewing it because I knew I had to get prepared for the backlash first . . . .



Because apparently I read it wrong. But guess what?????



The premise here was a good one – Dwight and his friends Slim and Rusty see flyers all over town advertising a “Traveling Vampire Show.” The hint of danger and an “18 and over” requirement are enough to lead the trio into temptation and the remainder of the story is what takes place during one day leading up to the big shebang and their chance to meet the mysterious Valeria . . . .



Here’s the problem. The first 50 pages or so were flying right by. Many of you know I have a kid who is required to read, but hates to read. We’ve had some luck with contemporary fiction and I thought if things didn’t get too stabby this might be okay for him (please note I had read ZERO reviews/knew nothing of this book except people liked it). The three kids wandering from one side of town to another for an adventure is pretty much my kid’s bucket list of a dream Saturday. But then we got to the part where there was a bit of danger and the MC Dwight decided to go borrow a truck and I was like . . . .



The story immediately stopped working. Even with the “gather around children and let me tell you a story from when I was a kid and why don’t you have some Werther’s Originals while you’re listening” narration style I just couldn’t wrap my brain around these being sixteen year old children. I was thinking they were 12-14 max.

And then there was the non-stop boner talk. I realize that teenage boys often pitch tents in their pants, but the story became so hypersexual with more focus on premature ejaculation than plot that there was no charm left to any of the characters. Especially Rusty . . . .

[Which they do, so yay. (hide spoiler)]

Which all led up to a pervert's wet dream of an ending I knew was coming and a reading experience I couldn’t wait to be over.

I know I've really gone against the grain here, but save you breath if you plan on telling me I’m not allowed to have a differing opinion. Also, I’m already in my bag of shame so I won’t be able to see the comments anyway . . . .

2016 On Goodreads a/k/a The Yearly Wrap Up

This is the place where Mitchell and I are supposed to reflect on all the great growth and achievements we experienced over the past year. Yeah, we’re really not those kinds of people. We’re the meme and giffy variety instead so we’re gonna do what we do. After all . . . .



2016 was the year Goodreads decided to turn on the bells and whistles – making a majority of its users collectively lose their shit. While I do agree the “new and improved” feed is filled with fuckery, I still acknowledge this is Goodreads’ sandbox and we’re only allowed to play in it and miraculously managed to adapt without creating 117 new threads on the Feedback Forum each day. Rather than tempting fate, I chose to implement a new policy (that quickly backfired thanks to the useless block function) . . . .



This year I also took a new position within my company which has forced me to cut back on my screwing around on the interwebs time (*boooooo hisssssss*). However, by maintaining a lower friend count filled with people who actually talk to me rather than those who are simply interested in getting the most “likes” I’ve found my GR experience more pleasant than ever before. These people also are well-equipped to tolerate the assholery which makes up me ; )



I got trolled more than ever before, but the addition of the granny sect to the troll population made for some pretty fun times and I only occasionally told people to fuck off (Stepheny did the same, but she told children to fuck off and I told women old enough to be my mother so she is a way worse human than I am).

But enough of that. This is a book site. Time to cut the crap and get to my fave reads . . . .

BEST BOOK

The Glorious Heresies


BEST DEBUT

All the Ugly and Wonderful Things


BEST STABBY STABBY

Alice


BEST LIL’ BIT A CHICKENFRIED

Big Maria


BEST YOUNG ADULT

The Serpent King


BEST ROMANCE
(I’m picking two ‘cause I do what I want)

The Hating Game


and

The Mother Road


BEST PORNO

Too Late


BEST SCI FI

Dark Matter


BEST SMARTY FARTY SELECTION

The Underground Railroad


BEST SHORTY SHORT

Burrito


BEST PITCHERBOOK

Red-Blooded American Male


BEST THING I NEVER EVEN KNEW I WANTED ‘TIL I READ IT

Nine Minutes

(So fugly that cover is. Ignore it. Also, this isn’t a porno even though the fug cover looks like one.)

BEST PLEASANT SURPRISE THAT I WAS SURE MY GRINCH HEART WOULD HATE AND DIDN’T

A Man Called Ove


WORST OF THE WORST

Behind Closed Doors

Bossman by Vi Keeland

3 Stars

On Wednesday night it snowed a couple of inches and even though I live in flyover country where this is a regular occurrence multiple times each winter, for some reason the powers that be decided not to put the plows on the road and school ended up cancelled. Since I’m deserving of employee of the year I had just rolled over an entire week of vacay and decided to say fuck it to my commute and stay home with my little chitlins and pretty much look like this . . . .



Except, you know, with a book instead of a movie.

I put myself on the waiting list for Bossman after seeing Val’s review back in November. Well, to be completely honest I put myself on the wait list for the cover alone, but that makes me sound like a total whore and I’m just kinda a whore so we’ll go with Val’s review as the reason instead.

Anyway, this one was just alright for me, but PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT OFF YOUR TO READ JUST BECAUSE I’M A JERKWAD. This story just had some things that didn’t work for me. But first, let’s talk about the good stuff.

#1. Normal names – Reece and Chase. Kudos to you, Vi Keeland, for not trying to win the most ridiculous names ever named award.

#2. The cat. What can I say, I’m a sucker for cats. Especially ones like this . . . .



#3. I often gripe that I want to cast the male lead in my own head without suggestions from the author, but since it’s a woman’s right to change her mind let me say the exception is when Josh Duhamel is the choice. 99.99999999% of the time when I read about a 6 foot something dude with “stylishly messy” brown hair I’m already thinking of Duhamel. And when the author is kind enough to have the leading lady say she was fantasizing about said leading male chopping down trees in order to build a fire at his cabin in the woods I say praise Jeebus . . . .



#4. Slow rolling just enough. The duo didn't make the beast with two backs until about the halfway mark and that was awesome because instalove only works for me some of the time and it wouldn’t have in this story.

#5. To go along with #2, the build up and flirtation was on point. I didn’t mind the fact that Reese was hired to work for Chase’s company since he wasn’t her direct boss and the cat and mouse moments were a lot of fun . . . .

“You’re going to kick ass in the interview and get hired, then I’m going to try to get in your pants, and you’re not going to let me.”

#6. When she finally did let him . . . .

“I’ll be right back.” He disappeared for a moment and then returned with his wallet, pulling out a strip of condoms and tossing them on the nightstand. I eyed them. “Big plans?” He started to undress. “You have no fucking idea.”



But like I said, there were other things I didn’t enjoy.

#1. The dead girlfriend trope. I’m just not a fan.

#2. Bossman had a nipple ring. Again, plenty of other people seem to think this is super smexy, but my reaction is pretty much . . . .



#3. Chase becoming a dirty talker. Like filthy dirty talker. He was kind of a Sensitive Sally so talking about “fillin’ her up” and “owning her ass” made me all . . . .



#4. This is petty, but since I live here I’m allowed to get annoyed. Dear Authors, if you are going to reference a city take 17 seconds and Google the fucking city. I realize it’s flyover land, but the airport is in Missouri, NOT Kansas and the idea of “dropping by” a Wizard of Oz museum (which, why the fuck would anyone in their right mind ever want to do that to begin with) that even I had to look up and find is TWO HOURS the other direction of the goddamn airport is irritating. Seriously . . . . .



Obviously all of my gripes might not even fall on your radar. As for me? I’ll just add this to my list of excuses of ways to avoid nocturnal shenanigans . . . .

Geek Love by Katherine Dunn

4 Stars

It's a snow day today and since my tiny humans are to the point where my snow days are numbered and they aren't so tiny any longer I decided to stay home with them in order to read porn make cookies and hot cocoa and scream loving things out the front door like "IT'S 10 DEGRESS OUTSIDE - GET YOUR ASSES BACK IN HERE BEFORE YOU FREEZE TO DEATH!" But then I realized this book would be expiring from my Kindle in like a minute and a half so I figured I better morph my plan and get something churned out right quick.

And to be honest, I don't really know what to say. Geek Love has been on my TBR since 2012. I'm fairly certain I even checked it out from the library at one point and returned it without reading. When Ron 2.0 was trying to bait all us creeps with his Last Days updates someone mentioned Geek Love and since I'm an asshole I went with that one rather than Ron's choice.

Enough with the backstory, right? You probably want to know about the book. Well, it goes a little something like this . . . . .

"Tell about the time when Mama was the geek!"

Y'all know what a geek is, right?



Well, yeah, but this one isn't about the kind of geek McDreamy was before he got dreamy. It's about this kind . . . .



That was Mama Lil. Lil had big dreams of being a trapeze girl, but an unfortunate accident proved that wasn't meant to be. Lil became the geek instead, catching the eye of Papa Al. With the help of some choice dope, a few insecticides and a handful of radioisotopes the two Binewskis created a very unique family . . . .



Geek Love is the story of family, of sibling rivalry, of sacrifice, of religion and a need for fame and glory. It definitely reminds us all to . . .



And featured a character that, even though it's the first week of the new year, I will remember forever. Oh little Boychick . . . .



I have never read anything like it and highly doubt I ever will. I don't know who to recommend this to because it is most assuredly not a story for everyone. But if you have a taste for the unusual and appreciate writing that isn't overdone or purple, but still makes an impact . . . .

"Do you know what the monsters and demons and rancid spirits are? Us, that's what. You and me. We are the things that come to the norms in nightmares. The thing that lurks in the bell tower and bites out the throats of the choirboys - that's you, Oly. And the thing in the closet that makes the babies scream in the dark before it sucks their last breath - that's me. And the rustling in the brush and the strange piping cries that chill the spine on a deserted road at twilight - that's the twins singing practice scales while they look for berries."

You should give it a go and become . . . .

The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena

3 Stars

I read this book because everyone was reading it. We’re talking EV.ER.Y.ONE. Think I’m kidding?



Yep. I’m still 30th in line at the non-porny library (and yes I just removed this request – I’m an old lady and forget these things sometimes).

Since this is a mystery you’re going to get an even crappier review than I normally barf out. The basic premise of The Couple Next Door is that Marco and Anne’s babysitter cancelled at the last minute due to a family emergency, leaving the couple all dressed up with nosomewhere to go. Not willing to let a new baby cramp their style, the two decide to leave the baby monitor as babysitter and a promise to rotate shifts every 30 minutes in order to make sure said baby is okay so they can still go next door for dinner and draaaaaaaaanks . . . .



Save your breath if you feel the need to tell me how horrible I am for judging this couple because #1 I know I’m horrible, #2 it’s a book so calm yo tits, and #3 I would still judge these a-holes the same if it was real life and I give zero shits.

So anywho, Anne and Marco return home around 1:30 a.m. to find their door partially open and zero baby in the house. I was a bit worried for a minute when the detective showed up because Anne’s reaction was. . . .

“When a child goes missing, are the parents usually the prime suspects? Surely not.”

Seriously Anne??????



But luckily the detective was not a dummkopf and he totally thought they offed their own kid.

I will say I didn’t like the direction of everyone thinking “time was running out” in order to find the baby alive. Obviously I’m not an expert, but I am a geezer and every time a baby kidnapping story has been on the news for the past 412 years it’s been some crazy bitch who stole it in order to raise as her own who was the culprit. Murder doesn’t usually seem to be the M.O. in those cases. But I’m probably wrong.

Bottom line is this was like watching a decent movie on this channel . . . .



You know what I mean, right? There’s bad stuff on Lifetime and then there’s awesome stuff . . . .



And then there’s stuff like this. The pages turned quickly and the story flowed, but it’s not something that will change your life.

Dat ending tho . . . .



I mean Gimme A Break!!!!



Are any of you old enough to get that? If not, you'll just have to trust me – it’s hilarious.

Grey by E.L. James

2 Stars

I actually downloaded this from the library as a potential back-up plan to get me out of jury duty. Turns out it wasn't necessary because Friday I received word the case had settled and my super qualified and totally not-judgey services wouldn't be necessary after all. Buuuuuuuuuuuut I figure you can't make bad decisions all year unless you start on January 1 so I decided to read this today.

My reaction upon the announcement of yet another Stephanie Meyer rip-off and a "Grey" story rather than a "Rising Sun" release left me with a pretty strong reaction . . . . .



Surely this can't be serious . . .



But now that I'm finished I have to say this was way better than the original. Having the book written from Christian's perspective definitely made him seem less creepy - even though his conversations with his . . . .



Rather than some sort of "inner goddess" were just as insufferable.

Obviously by my rating I still found it to be "just okay," but hell 2 Stars is better than the zero I'd like to give the first three in the series so I'm calling it a win. No need to troll me, I'm more than happy to admit Christian Grey is just not my cuppa (but as I said I appreciated the ownership of his fuck-up-edry way more this go 'round). I also just don't get off on the sexytimes contained in this series. They are soooooooo not sexy. I thought it was because I was a prude delving in to "Mommy Porn" when all the other horny geezers were reading this years ago, but now that I fly my freak flag prominently it's just the scenes themselves. For as "edgy" as they are supposed to be after reading the 17,469th copulation it pretty much became . . . .



Oh and dare I forget that I wasn't aware of Christian being from England. E.L. James - your beta readers and/or editor failed a bit with the "have a lie in" and other very British phrasings that weren't switched around for us 'Muricans. Since you still sold eleventy trillion copies it seems I may have been the only one to catch that faux pas.

If you're a fan of Grey, stay a fan and don't apologize to anyone. Reading is fundamental - whether you're reading young adult, prize winners, comic books or smut. As Martha would say . . . .