Amp'd by Ken Pisani

4 Stars

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I was reading books just based on seeing a teensie little blurb posted out on the interwebs by friends? Amp’d fell into that category due to the first line of Sandra’s review . . .

"I’m the guy who wakes up in the hospital to find out his arm has been amputated and says, Fuck me."

But then . . . .



So I’m just now getting around to reviewing this sumbitch. And now I’m going to do something I absolutely LOATHE: If you are a fan of Jonathon Tropper, then this is the book for you. Since I get paid zero dollars and don’t work as a publicist, you can trust that I’m not lying. If you fell in love with Judd in This Is Where I Leave You or any of Tropper’s other loveable losers, you’ll probably fall for Aaron as well.

As the snippet above states, Aaron’s world is rocked when he wakes up after a car accident sans arm and has to move in with his father during his recuperation. It’s in his childhood home that he (over)medicates himself with various prescriptions and pilfered bottles from his father’s liquor cabinet, learns about his parents’ unconventional separation, bonds with the family pet . . .



gets some harsh truth from his mother . . .

“If only there was a future in bullshit, Aaron. You’d be unstoppable”

starts falling for a voice on the radio, and makes a new friend in the most unconventional of ways . . .



Oh Ken Pisani . . .



You, sir, were an absolute delight to read. I loved nearly everything about this book – from the realness of Aaron’s pity party and downward spiral all the way to his redemption arc. And the writing? Oh, you’re good at dialogue . . .

“Do you have a dollar?”

“Yes?” he says tentatively.

“Well, hang on to it. Someday you may want to give it to a nice girl who dances for you.”

To quote from one of Tropper’s works . . .



I loved these idiots.

Domestic Violets by Matthew Norman

2 Stars

 

Don’t feel like reading a review? Join the club, because I don’t really feel too keen about writing picturing one up either. Here’s the short version for any of you who have better things to do today . . .



For the three of you who are still here, let’s have a go with what exactly brought the “meh” factor for me when it came to Domestic Violets.

Let’s start with how I even discovered this book in the first place. My friend Melki was reading another Matthew Norman book that I immediately went and tried to get on NetGalley. However, since NetGalley enjoys toying with my emotions, that request is still pending - even though the book in question was published a week ago . . . .



I mean really.

I can confirm that Domestic Violets was, in fact, a “family drama about one man’s improbable trials of love, loss, and ambition; of attraction, impotence, and infidelity; and of mid-life malaise, poorly-planned revenge, and the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.” Unfortunately, for me it failed to deliver in the “darkly comic” department. And the comparison to Jonathon Tropper and Tom Perrotta? Well, that’s where things just get a little unfair for poor Matthew Norman. Tropper has made an art out of writing the quintessential loveable loser paired with a dysfunctional ensemble cast. Perrotta is a master of writing the aforementioned darkly comic twist. Matthew Norman is no Jack Kennedy (sorry – too much election coverage) Tropper or Perrotta. I didn’t enjoy any of the characters in this story and I really didn’t want them to end up with any sort of happily ever after. It’s bad enough when it seems all the d-bags in the world never get what’s coming to them (*cough Drumpf cough*), karma could at least kick some fictional ass for me. Even the humor in this one was borrowed and not fresh . . .



The good news is that even though this one didn’t work for me, I read another Tropperesque book that was nearly as good as I was hoping it would be (Amp’d for those who are curious since I officially suck at writing timely reviews – I’m going to blame it on growing closer with slackers like Ron 2.0 and internet-challenged Delee) and I’m also still very interested in getting my hands on We’re All Damaged because any fella who gets dumped in an Applebee’s is probably a fella I’d like to get to know better.

Head Start by Freya Barker

3 Stars

 

Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/

I knew I had to read Head Start as soon as I saw the synopsis because of reasons . . .



Also because it fell into the “I wanna bang that tiger in the hoodie” cover category.

Yep, I have zero shame and I luuuuuuuuurv Cougar Town. I also loved the idea of an older woman/younger male storyline and I immediately went and tried to bully Shelby into reading this with me. It was she who pointed out that we had not only read (and not enjoyed) a previous book in this series, but that said book provided a first in my time at Goodreads – getting trolled before even reading page 1. Normally I wouldn’t post a link to my own shit, but HERE is the exception because WTF?!?!?!?!



OF COURSE this one ended up being an auto-approval and since there was no chance for takebacks on my request I did what any self-respecting reader would do before beginning . . . .



And this is why fangirls should just STFU and shove their trollish comments firmly up their buttholes. Due to my addiction to porn senility, I gave Freya Barker a second chance and ended up enjoying this waaaaaaaay more than Upper Hand.

The basics are that Neil works as an investigator for GFI and has been trying to get a taste of Kendra for quite some time. Due to the difference in their ages, however, Kendra was interested in zero part of that and instead set up a profile on match.com . . . where she finds a super creeper at best and potential serial killer at worst. With Kendra’s safety in jeopardy, Neil takes it upon himself to watch over her and y’all know what comes next . . . .



Yeah. It pretty much got the job done. Really I only had two complaints about this story, but those two issues grated enough that I remain firmly planted in 3 Star territory.

1. I hate pet names and “Pup”??????????



2. And this . . . .

“I’m a little nervous, since I’ve never done this before, but I’ve been able to do my face without too much damage for a few years now. As gently as I can, I slide the razor along one side of her labia.”



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!

For any superfan waiting in the wings to tell me what an asshole I am for not having a grooming fetish or whatever the hell reason you come up with this time . . .



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

Ntro Mountain by Lee Clay Johnson

3 Stars

I planned on being super organized and posting a string of books I read all in a row due to friends’ status updates even though I knew nothing about said books, but then I got sick and couldn’t stop blowing my nose or coughing and I got umpteen reviews behind and . . . 



Anywho, obviously I failed at my latest endeavor. But to get back on track, it was the following status posted by Sandrathat made my ears perk up . . . . 

“The last time I’d been seriously drunk with Jennifer, she wanted to fight so bad that when I didn’t raise a hand she hit herself right in front of me. I begged her to quit as she threw her fist into her face over and over again, then said, “You coward, if you won’t do it, somebody’s got to.”” 

That little snippet was from Page 3 and it made me immediately run to the library to pick up a copy of Nitro Mountain.

Talk about a romance not meant to be happily ever after. Beyonce wouldn’t be servin’ up no Lemonade if she was writing about these two. It’d be more like Drunk In Love. You know what I’m talking about, right?



Or . . . .



Or even better . . . 



Oh the Tumblr. It was a bounty of wonderment with this search (and I didn’t even get to all the “serfboardt” stuff – so many LOLz).

But to get back on track (again): be forewarned – the blurb states . . . 

“An astonishing, even shocking debut--darker than a bad night in hell--that is written with both humor and heart by "a writer with abundant and scary gifts and consummate skill.” 

If you believe in the Mitchell scale of darkness, you’ll probably find this one to be closer to dusk rather than “darker than a bad night in hell.” But if you like your fiction served up ensemble style and on the bleak and gritty side????

I'm Thinking of Ending Things by Iain Reid

1 Star

The following quote pretty much sums up my dream thriller . . . 

“My story is not like a movie, I’ll say. It’s not heart-stopping or intense or bloodcurdling or graphic or violent. No jump scares. To me, these qualities aren’t usually scary. Something that disorients, that unsettles what’s taken for granted, something that disturbs and disrupts reality – that’s scary.” 

^^^^^Oooooooooo so much excite!!!! 

Unfortunately the above-referenced quote occurred at the 83% mark of I’m Thinking of Ending Things and up to that point I had been taken on quite possibly the most boring car ride in the history of the universe. And then I got to the end and all I’m left with is . . . 



I know, I know. I just wasn’t smart enough to see the brilliance. I’ll admit it. I have no clue what the hell was going on that was supposed to get me all on the edge of my seat with anticipation or the point of the entire book. All I know is that I feel like it was a waste of my time so it gets 1 Star. I’m sad to have not enjoyed this as much as Nick Cutter and my bookpusher Trudi. What can I say????



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Southern Bastards Vol. 1: Here Was A Man by Jason Aaron

2.5 Stars

 

I am 150% certain I read this wrong. I was distracted last night between dealing with a real-world annoyance and pissing half the internet off so my attention was not focused on this story whatsoever. NONE of my friends who have read this rated it under 4 Stars so take my “meh” with a shaker full of salt.

The problem I had with Here Was A Man was twofold. (1) Like many other initial volumes, this one didn’t have a whole lot of plot development for me. It provided enough backstory, but you know the real juicy deets are yet to come and the main focus was just on kicking ass. Which leads me to (2) the ass kicking. Been there, done that . . .



Or if you’re only here because I read a lot of porno here ya go . . .


(You’re welcome)

Bottom line, this story didn’t seem fresh at all to me.

But enough of that Negative Nelly bullhonky. Here’s the reasons why you should read it.

1. It says the F word at least 47 times more frequently than any other graphic novel I’ve ever read . . .



2. Meth. ‘Nuff said . . .



3. Alabama football and a character named “Coach Boss” . . .


(Get it? If you don’t then you’re really missing out because that is a MOTHERFUCKING GEM!)

4. Scattered, smothered, covered, peppered and topped . . .


(If you find the thought of experiencing this revolting, we probably shouldn't be friends.)

5. Best first page ever . . . .



I need to get my hands on the next volume and confirm my thoughts that this should end up being one of my favorite graphic novels of all time when it’s all said and done.

Once again this was a gift from the best little pitcherbook fairy in all the Goodreads’ land. Said book fairy has chosen to remain under the user name A. Nonymoose (not really – don’t bother searching that) so go read Mike’s review if you want to see just how iggnant I really am.

 

Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris

1 Star

 

My first warning should have been . . .

“The 2016 debut bloggers can't stop raving about. Perfect for fans of The Girl on the Train.”



By the time I was finished, there was only one thing that was going to cure my misery . . .



WARNING: SPOILERS BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE ONE GOOD GODDANG ‘BOUT THIS ONE.

Grace was a big muckity muck – living a jet set lifestyle as a buyer for Harrod’s. That all changed, however, when she met George Clooney Jack. Jack swept Grace into a whirlwind romance, promised her not only the home of her dreams but the opportunity to quit her job and have her sister (who was born with Down’s Syndrome) move in with them rather than live at her special school, and so the two were married in just six months. On the eve of her wedding everything changed for Grace. Because she was an effing IDIOT. Actually, let me back up a bit.

*insert rewind noise*

Despite Jack’s concerns, Grace insisted that her sister Millie stand as maid of honor. But on the couple’s wedding day Millie suffered from a terrible slip and fall down the stairs breaking her leg and removing her from the wedding festivities entirely (*dun dun dunnnnnnnnn*). That was page 64 and when I began screaming . . .



Or Grace – you get the point.

The remaining 300 pages consisted of more quality Lifetime Television for Women drama until finally Millie, despite having dialogue written as if she had the mentality of a toddler, came up with a fix for alllllllllll of Grace’s problems . . . .



Behind Closed Doors is easily the worst thing I’ve read in 2016. I should thank Shelby for sending this to me, but I kind of feel like she April Fooled me a month late. Whatever the case, I’m moving on to better things – namely porn . . .