Friday, February 16, 2018

Hooking Up by Helena Hunting


35048632
3 Stars

I posted the review for the first in this series yesterday while confessing that I read them out of order because #2 was on NetGalley and I had to beg the porny librarian to buy this one for me. The premise here is that Amalie is getting ready to marry . . . . some dude. I can’t remember his name so we’ll just call him Dick Punch since that’s what he needs. Anyway, it’s their wedding day and thanks to a pretty good church PA system, all of the guests get to enjoy the soothing sounds of Dick Punch receiving a blowie from the local whore. I know I know, girls aren’t allowed to call other girls whores and I promise that . . . .



But all bets are off when someone’s got my fiancĂ©’s wang in their mouth.

Completely humiliated, Amalie doesn’t know how she’ll face everyone. That’s when it’s great to have a best friend to help hide the body step in and take care of things. Enter Ruby who convinces Amalie to cash in Dick Punch’s plane ticket, use his credit cards and take . . . .



This next part probably doesn’t matter anymore because I’m sure the cat is out of the bag at this point, but the author requested the love interest not be named, so I’m following orders. I will say, though, now that I’ve read both books that this is the only available dude from book one, so . . . . .



But whatever. Anyway, Amalie and . . . .


(Ha! Get it? He Who Must Not Be Named? I’m hilarious.)

End up on the same flight going to the same destination and he makes her an offer she can’t refuse . . . .



Except, ya know, they aren’t in Nevada, but instead they’re . . . . .



If you’re looking for lots of the sexuals, this one has waaaaaaay more than Shacking Up. Unfortunately I didn’t like it as much and it’s all Amalie’s fault . . . .



He Who Shall Not Be Named was definitely splooshable, but she kept killing my ladyboner by being the kind of girl who is the reason why the rest of us can’t have nice things: She was a wimp, she was going to marry a Dick Punch she didn’t really know and who was barfable before he ever got a BJ at their nuptials, and she was a phony to boot and pretended to be all vanilla but then brought a suitcase full of sex toys on their honeymoon to show Dick Punch the “real her” or some such noise. Really? An entire freaking suitcase????







That seems excessive.

Anyway, this gets 3 Stars which still isn’t bad for me. Ya’ll will probably be able to ignore Amalie, focus on He Who Shall Not Be Named and surprise your husband with a selection from your giant trunk of sex appliances after you finish reading this one.

ARC provided by NetGalley about 152 years ago in exchange for an honest review. Thanks NetGalley!

A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare

1622
5 Stars


I’m sure there’s some keyboard commando all primed and ready just waiting for a chance to chime in about how “this isn’t Facebook” or “talk about books and don’t post stupid pictures.” To him/her/them I shall quote ol’ Bill himself and say . . . .



Fucketh off with thee!



Because I have read A Midsummer Night’s Dream and I’ve read it more than once. Originally I read it back in the stone age as a high schooler who opted for additional literature classes as electives rather than other selections such as “Home Ec” and asked for things like this for Christmas, which although unattractive still holds a prime location on the ‘puter desk . . . .







I’ve re-read it occasionally over the years because I enjoy the Shakespeare comedies *cough supernerd cough*. But I never loved it as much as I loved it last night when this happened . . . .







And my baby boy made his acting debut as Francis Flute in a modernized in music/wardrobe, but not in content version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Yeah, this is a post that should probably go on Facebook, but I deleted that be-atch and never looked back so you’re getting my proud momma moment here. Haters can eat a bag of weiners.



(Additional tidbit: Robin Goodfellow (a/k/a “Puck” to those of you in the know) was played by a girl and she kicked allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the ass.)

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Shacking Up by Helena Hunting


33838194
4 Stars

What better time than Romance Week on Goodreads to finally post reviews for books I read months ago! Depending on time and if my cold meds kick in this might end up as a two-fer since I read both of the books in this series. I ended up reading them in reverse order too, because, ya know . . . .



The Usual Suspect is the person who turned me on to these when the second was up on NetGalley. She don’t read the pornies too good just like me so when she likes one I know I should probably snatch a copy as quickly as possible.

The story here is our h and H have their meet/cute at an engagement party. She’s trying to use the toilet, he’s a little doped up on cold meds, mistakes her for his date and decides to play some tonsil hockey before realizing his error. Fast-forward to her audition for a role that will keep her from losing her butt, where I bet you can guess what happens . . . .



Fast-forward version 2.0 where the engaged couple mentioned above has a potential opportunity for the h – petsitting for a friend while he’s out of the country. Which leads us to meet/cute version 2.0 because, you guessed it, the friend in question is none other than the H.

Okay okay, enough with the h and H mumbo jumbo. I’m not cut out for that. The leading male this time around is named . . . .



And who gives a fuck about the chick’s name, because I’m just here for the weiner! Nah, just kidding. Her name is Ruby. Ruby, man I love that song . . . .



If you’re looking for a lotta salami hiding, this might not be the selection for you, because you are DEFINITELY going to be asking . . . .



While you wait until the 75% mark. And I will say I was more than a little concerned with how my splooshfactory would react when what started out with . . . .

“His smirk is infuriating. I want to suck it right off his gorgeous face . . .”

Which had me like . . . .



Was followed by . . . .

“, with my lips, either set . . . .”

Which had me all . . . .



But luckily there ended up being nothing to worry about and the end result was . . . .

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Gun Love by Jennifer Clement


35758074
4.5 Stars

Current situation:



Except, you know, it’s the death flu this time. Lucky for me I’m already dead inside so it wasn’t able to murder me. I did want to take a time-out from my hacking my right lung out in order to put something up about this in case it is still available for request. If you’re like me, you try your darndest to steer clear of NetGalley because you already fear you will soon be appearing on A&E when your family stages an intervention for your addiction. It’s then you rely on people like My Better Half to tell you about not-to-miss items. In this case, she didn’t even get a chance to read the thing because I wanted it from the title alone. Not to mention the synopsis told me it was going to be about a girl who not only straight up lives in a car, but that said car is NEXT TO A TRAILER PARK(!!!!), in the great state of Florida . . . .



Where the local man of the cloth preaches on Sundays and runs guns the rest of the days of the week. I pretty much looked like this before I even started . . . .



By the time I was finished I was like . . . .



Sorry, too much Olympic viewing the past few days.

I don’t really know what to say about this story. You’re dropped in on Pearl’s life for little more than a moment and yanked right back out again. There’s not much “before” to learn about and there’s certainly no epilogue detailing the after. The story is very much in the now and the viewpoint is completely Pearl’s. Gun Love earns its Stars for the same reason many will subtract them – the writing. You’re either going to love it or hate it and obviously I fall into the former category.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!

Friday, February 9, 2018

Providence by Caroline Kepnes

35396970
2.5 Stars

So many thoughts. Please bear with me . . . .



The basics of Providence is that it is about a boy who disappeared and returned four years later . . . different than he was before. It becomes his mission over the years to “fix” himself of this change in order to be with the girl he has always loved. In addition to that story is one that runs parallel about a detective trying to figure out what really caused a series of death by heart attack in various young/healthy people and the wife who is trying her best to keep their marriage intact.

First things first, it goes without saying that I read this wrong. A handful of reviewers received copies before Providence even went on NetGalley and they all creamed their collective jeans over it. Maybe some of my fellow wrong-readers will be joining me in short order, but for now I will occupy the corner of shame all by my lonesome.

I’d like to say my “meh” reaction had nothing to do with The Books of Joe, but that would be bullshit. I mean, if I hadn’t fallen head-over-heels in love with Joe and instead had thought he was uggo and 1-Starred his stories I obviously would not have been running people over in order to obtain an advanced copy of this book. I also wouldn’t have had such high (or perhaps unrealistic) expectations for this book.

I’d love to be able to say that I didn’t feel like I was missing anything by not being a Lovecraft superfan, but that would also be total bullshit. Part of Kepnes’ charm is that she is willing to go balls out with pop culture references and clearly gives not one rip if these contributions will date her books in the future. My knowledge of all things Lenny Feder . . .



Familiarity with a little more than just the basics regarding Jon’s dilemma . . . .



And an obsession with The Boss so extreme as soon as a mere song title was mentioned his voice started singing oh so relevant lyrics in my head . . .

♪♫♪“Sometimes it’s like someone took a knife baby edgy and dull and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul . . .” ♪♫♪

Definitely added to my reading experience. But it was because of my brain’s complete worthlessness except when it comes to trivia questions that I felt a glaring hole of stupidity and inability to truly “get it” when it came I Am Providence and all the secrets that may be (are probably) contained within the pages of The Dunwich Horror - a book I have never read.

And worst of all was that I was really into this story at the beginning. I was smitten with little Jon, the outsider, and was enthralled with both his disappearance and reappearance. I was completely ready to fall in love with him as a man and form some freaky polygamist cult with him and Joe (and Eggs) as my brother husbands. The writing (which unfortunately I can’t quote because rules are rules when it comes to ARCs) was BRILLIANT – simply painted onto the page. But then??????



It got so boooooooooooooooooooooring. The knife-blade writing style that defines Kepnes’ voice became dull and nothing happened and there were still like nearly 300 pages left of the book and Chloe was a cardboard cutout of even more nothingness (and maybe she was supposed to be nothing, but she can’t have a voice and occupy so much narration time and be NOTHING FFS) and Eggs who was basically the amalgamation of every Bruce Willis playing the “old man” character you could ever imagine even lost his charm and I was like . . . .



I don’t have the genetic makeup that allows me to “DNF” a book, so I can’t say that thought ever crossed my mind. I will say that this should never have taken me more than one sitting to read if I had liked it as much as Kepnes’ prior two novels and I definitely shouldn’t have found my mind wandering to other selections on my TBR and wondering if I should have read them before this. I have no choice but to be honest. I didn’t love this. I am very appreciative for the opportunity to read an advanced copy, I’m even more appreciative that Kepnes and/or her publisher is so generous and appear to be willing to offer copies to nearly everyone who requests them, I’ll absolutely read the next thing she comes up with, but unfortunately for me Providence missed the mark.

2.5 Stars and I’m rounding up because I can’t in clear conscience round down. I can’t wait to see what my friends think. (As long as they leave their pitchforks and torches at home.)

Advanced copy provided in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows by Balli Kaur Jaswal

32075853
4 Stars

First let me take a moment to say that I carried this around for TWO DAYS at work and not one person asked me what I was reading. I can’t get in the stinking elevator or make a cup of coffee any other day without someone asking that question, but when I’m sitting on a goldmine of awkward title????? Nope . . . .



I don’t know how I planted the idea in my own head that this was going to be like The Joy Luck Club, but I sure enough thought that’s what it was going to be. (In case you aren’t familiar, that is the story of four Chinese women and the sharing of memories of the most monumental moments of their lives in hopes their American-born daughters will understand what made them the way they are.) In case you were wondering even more, that book (and movie) made me cry the ugliest of all the cries and I highly recommend it. I’m happy to report Punjabi Widows did not (and wasn’t supposed to) do the same.

The story here is one of the East-meets-West variety about Nikki, a 20-something “modern London girl” who doesn’t quite know what she wants to be when she grows up, but applies to teach a “writing workshop” two days a week to ladies at the local Sikh Community Center in order to be able to tell her mother she does something other than work in a pub. What she doesn’t realize until her first class is the students have literally signed up to learn how to WRITE – not stories, but the alphabet. These women are widows from traditional households where educating girls was the least of the family’s concerns and some of which were married (or at least had their marriages arranged) when they were just children. When Nikki arrives on day two with a bag of workbooks and games from the local charity shop in order to begin her arduous task, Red Velvet: Pleasurable Stories for Women - a book intended to be a gag gift for Nikki’s conservative/wants to arrange her own marriage sister – becomes the focus of the widows. It is then the women decide they would prefer a storytelling class – they will each make up stories and the one widow who knows how to write will transcribe them. And then????

“Whoa! I was not expecting that. I thought these were going to be granny romance stories. These are all-out naughty.”

Please don’t get confused and think this was only a “dirty book.” It did have a bit of similarity to The Joy Luck Club as well as a bit of The Help. Most surprising of all, this could have been considered a selection for the Winter Reading Challenge . . . .



And been a better fit than a couple of the books I read. It was chick lit at its finest and I’m glad that bizarre little title popped up on my feed and caught my eye.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Sweet Tea and Sympathy by Molly Harper

30753667
2 Stars

Party planner extraordinaire Margot has had to deal with plenty of mini emergencies and unexpected glitches during events, but the one thing she never would have predicted was that she would be (quite literally) tackling a real life angry bird situation . . . .



To make matters worse, once word begins to spread about the gala disaster, Margot loses not only her dream job, but also her loan approval on a new condo she was planning on purchasing. Right when she’s about to give up hope, Margot receives a phone call from a long lost relative, Aunt Tootie . . . .


(No relation)

Making her an offer she can’t refuse . . . . basically because it’s the ONLY offer on the table. What’s the offer, you might ask? Come down and help with the family business . . . .

“The locals just call it the Bait and Bury.”

Yep, you heard that right. Bait shop slash funeral home. Margot plans on only staying as long as it takes for people to forget the little snafu, but reuniting with a family she didn’t even know she had, new friendships, a potential for romance with a handsome local and the charm of the South might just change her mind.

I think I had my expectations set just a little too high for this one. After having a pretty howling good time reading about Naked Werewolves combined with this being about a Yankee who finds herself transplated to the deep South had me thinking in shades of . . . .



And while there was plenty of . . . . .



Along with some humor . . . .

“The first time you tangle with moonshine is like dancin’ with a good-looking carnie. Sure, it feels great at first, but you wake up sore and soaked in regret.”

It just felt REALLY forced. Margot wasn’t a great character which could be excused if Kyle was, but he was a big drip too. Then there were his children . . . .



Neither did Margot! But of course Kyyyyyyyyyle’s children were different – even though they were pretty insufferable little bastards, if you ask me. And then there was the being beaten over the head by Margot’s daddy issues . . . .



That freaking storyline was on a damn loop.

It sucks that this one wasn’t a hit for me, but I’ve been assured Nice Girls Don’t Have Fangs will deliver what I’m looking for. We shall see, but let’s not forget that . . .