Thursday, November 30, 2017

My Best Friend's Ex by Meghan Quinn


35004715
3 Stars


At this point I’m THIRTEEN reviews behind and a bigly chunk of those left to be reviewed are romance novels . . . .







Which loosely translated I’m pretty sure means fuck my life.



Normally I try to keep myself motivated (especially when it comes to books of the porny/rom com varieties) by gif hunting simultaneously while reading. The only thing I found myself inspired to seek out while reading My Best Friend’s Ex was this one after the ever-so-popular “sexy boy haircut” was described . . . .




(That’s fucking funny right there.)



However, that ain’t sayin’ much when it comes to how this one impacted the ol’ sploosh factory.

I’m going to start by saying I have no clue what the over/under is when it comes to how quickly romance writers churn out stories. All I know is my experience has been: (1) I find an author who already has eleventy-three published books and then I pester the porny librarian until she buys at least some of them for me since I am poor; (2) I score an ARC because I am a shameless whore when it comes to smut and also because of poor as above-mentioned; or (3) I find an author and fall in love with her series, spend some of my own dollars when the porny librarian tells me enough is enough (despite state of being poor as stated in 1 and 2) and have to wait infinity + 1 for the book I’m dying for to be released (IN CASE YOU CAN’T TELL, I’M LOOKING AT YOU HERE, PENNY REID!!).



Unfortunately for Meghan Quinn, she’s kind of an exception to the rule in that I discovered her stuff right from the beginning. In 2017 Quinn has released all four books in this series and, for me, that is just . . . .







Absence truly might make my fickle heart grow fonder. Now, in Quinn’s defense, she puts her stuff on sale A LOT and I only had to drop $1.20 on this one (thanks Rachel for the head’s up and also, I think everything is on Kindle Unlimited so it’s free to any of you who have that).

I’m giving this one 3 Stars because it was perfectly okaaaaaaaay and a lot of the issues I had were probably mine alone since I’m an addict who can’t say no to authors I have grown to love. So let’s talk about my problems with this so you can confirm I read it wrong and go buy a copy for yourself, shall we?



#1. Meghan Quinn and I obviously don’t see eye to eye when it comes to covers. And yes, I very much realize that I’m over here looking like this while being all judgey . . . .







It is what it is. Give me a faceless dude with abs that could cut a diamond if you want me to hit the one-click without even knowing anything about the story/author.



#2. Tropes that aren’t my cuppa. This one had a few of my not-so-faves – the “homeless so let’s be roommates” as well as the “broken and need a magic peen vagina to fix me” combined with the “not looking for a girlfriend” annnnnnnnd the title trope of hooking up with a friend’s former boyfriend. First of all, I’ve read the “need a place to stay” trope a time or twelve before and it can work fine for me if the reason for the homelessness is believable. When the story covers WHAT I FREAKING DO FOR A LIVING and is not accurate my brain becomes a giant asshole and spends the remainder of the book going . . . .







Next, I can give a pass to the trope of a superbadawful happened that a person is having a hard time getting over. Buuuuuuuuut, the second I move into your house and you tell me I am not allowed to go into a certain room Imma wait ‘til you leave for work and be all like . . . . .







I mean for real, you wouldn’t at least ask WTF was going on?  What if it was a red room of pain *shudder*?????



Then there’s the we’re just buddies, but let’s have these weird house rules where we have dinner together a whole bunch and have SEX TALKS at least once a week. Nobody does that . . . .







Which leads to the getting together with your supposed bestie’s high school sweetheart who not only was someone you always had the impression was not the greatest dude in the world, but who you didn’t even have the courtesy of talking to your friend about before you started thinking about how much you wanted to shove your tongue down his throat. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but whatever happened to . . . .







Allllllllll that being bitched and whined about, I still highly recommend Meghan Quinn. The Mother Road and The Virgin Romance Novelist were both laugh-out-loud funny and the entire “Stroked” series was good – especially Stroked Hard.

Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott


2954411
4 Stars

“I decide everything. Remember that.” God and monster all in one, and mine to worship.
First of all . . . .



Well, minus the crying. This was rough, but it takes more than a brutal storyline to get me to squirt some tears (more specifically, my period). Living Dead Girl is about – here I’ll just let the book tell you . . . .

“Once upon a time, I did not live in Shady Pines. Once upon a time, my name was not Alice. Once upon a time, I didn’t know how lucky I was.”

When Alice was 10 years old, her class took a field trip to the local aquarium. Alice got separated from her class after being disappointed in the lack of dolphins and chose to go see the penguins on her own. It was there that she met a gentlemen who informed her that her class was now watching a movie and he would show her to the theater. Five years have passed since that day. Five years since Alice has seen her mother and father. Five years since she last saw her house at 623 Daisy Lane. Five years of living with Ray . . . .

“You can get used to anything. You think you can’t, you want to die, but you don’t. You won’t. You just are.”

I had never even heard of this book until over the weekend and I’ll be damned if I can remember what “if you liked this, you should try THIS” list it popped up on over at the Faceplace, but I am completely blown away I haven’t seen it over and over again on the Banned Books Week suggestions. To whoever decided to market this as a Young Adult selection, I give you mad props because you must have balls the size of watermelons. I can only assume the pitch was something of a “think of this like a modernized after school special.”

Living Dead Girl is definitely a story each parent will have to decide for themselves if they think their child should read (and I encourage parents to read this first before allowing your kid to check it out). While there are not necessarily specific details given regarding the abuse Alice suffers, that does not make the story less graphic and two-and-two is easily put together regarding all of the goings on. As the story progresses there’s a solid chance questions will arise about some of Alice’s behaviors and what she is willing to do in order to no longer be the focus of Ray’s attention. Not to mention that, much like in real life, a tale like this cannot have a happy ending. Assuming my children would actually read on their own voluntarily, I would probably attempt to keep this one off their TBR until high school. Highly recommended to anyone who thinks they can handle it and zero judgment for anyone who knows they can't.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

David Sedaris Live At Carnegie Hall


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5 Stars

This one is kind of a rule breaker when it comes to being a “book” as it is not only in audio format (which grossly enough I have actually witnessed a friend be trolled over and told that Goodreads is for “real” books since humans are awful and the reason why everyone just can’t simply enjoy things), but it also is a hodgepodge of stories, magazine articles, diary entries, etc. that can’t be found in a single collection. To sum it up, this is the best of the best when it comes to David Sedaris and listening to him perform live readings was an entirely different experience than the regular, generic audio. The audience’s energy was nearly palpable – even through my car speakers. It almost makes me wish I wasn’t such a pussy and could sit in an audience with other humans comfortably. Almost.

If you, like me, were hesitant to dip your food in the audio pool – collections like these are perfect since you can easily press pause after any of them if you too have a short commute. And if you haven’t yet met David Sedaris, there’s no better time than the present. Live At Carnegie Hall once again featured the laugh-out-loudable “Six To Eight Black Men” – a story first published in Esquire magazine in December of 2002. You can read it for free HERE or take a listen HERE. If you don’t like it, feel free to defriend me because I’m not sure I want to be associated with people like you : )

On the other hand, if you find yourself completely smitten by David’s charms, THIS is a little bonus to brighten your morning.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Reaper's Legacy by Joanna Wylde


18076876
4 Stars

I woke up on Sunday morning to the realization that my life of sitting around eating Bon Bons was quickly coming to an end and I would once again have to face other humans (*shudder*) come Monday morning. I opted to do what I do best and avoid reality in the form of the guiltiest of guilty pleasures – the motorcycle porno . . .



I also opted to completely ignore the description of dark hair and a lip piercing and instead recast my idea of a sexy biker . . . . .



Oh yeah. Jim Hopper – you churn my butter. Dad bod and white man’s overbite and all . . . .



I didn’t have my hopes set too high on this one since I have dabbled in Joanna Wylde’s world successfully and unsuccessfully before. Imagine my delight when Reaper’s Legacy ended up being . . . .



The story here (Can you believe it? An actual story? Bonus!) is that seven years ago Sophie and Zach were teenagers in (what Sophie thought was) love. When the rubber broke, Sophie got a little surprise she wasn’t planning on and the gilding on Zach’s shining armor showed its true tarnished nature when he became an abusive control freak. Sophie has been going it alone as a single mother ever since with occasional visits from Zach’s brother Ruger to her little boy Noah. When Sophie finds herself in a babysitting bind and asks her new(ish) neighbor to watch Noah while she goes to work, things get scary and Noah calls his uncle Ruger for help. And help he does – in the form of kicking ass, taking names and packing Sophie and Noah up to come live with him until a long-term solution can be found. That’s when things got . . . . .



And we found out pretty quickly that . . . .

“Is this a new thing for you?

“I don’t follow,” he said, glancing at me. His eyes pierced mine, the warm night air hanging heavy between us.

“Wanting me,” I said softly. “Is it a new thing for you? I mean, aside from . . . back then . . . I always assumed that was just a moment, you know? You always looked right through me.”

“It’s not a new thing.”


Of course, the getting there is half the fun so this was a real slow burn with plenty of alpha male behavior thrown in for good measure. The bonus here was it made me chuckle . . . .

“You don’t want me but nobody else gets me, either? Would it be easier if you peed on me so they know I’m taken?”

“It’d be easier if you shut the fuck up.”


I’d love to be able to give this the full monty of stars, but I can’t due to Sophie’s questionable parenting in the beginning (and yes I understand it was necessary in order for there to be a book at all, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it) as well as the first highly anticipated roll in the hay (or roll in the repair shop in front of a bunch of random strange – ew). The love/hate stuff almost made me forget all that noise, though . . .

“Can I borrow something to wear?”

“I’d rather you sleep naked.”

“I’d rather you go fuck yourself, but seeing as that’s not an option, can I borrow something to wear?”


I mean, it was real good . . . .

“Jesus, you piss me off,” he murmured. “Good thing your cunt’s so fucking hot.” “Don’t call it that.” His lip twitched. “Good thing your vagina’s so gosh-darned hot,” he whispered. “Because I really, really want to stick my penis in it and have repeated sexual intercourse, bringing us to a mutually satisfactory culmination of our desires. How’s that sound?”

It sounds like this to me, Ruger!!!!



#sploooooooooooosh

And yes, I already asked the porny librarian for the next in the series because once I fall down this rabbit hole, it's hard to get out.

Monday, November 27, 2017

A Short History of the Girl Next Door by Jared Reck


30040068
4 Stars

This book made me cry actual tears out of my own eyeholes. And I'm a heartless monster. That is all . . . .

 

Copy provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

Friends & Other Liars by Kaela Coble


35023961
4 Stars

“All things done in the dark have a way of coming to light.”
I hoarded a chunk of vacation time all year in order to take last week off, and then pretty much proceeded to unplug from the evils of the interwebs as well after . . . .



Just kidding. More like I changed from “sleeping pajamas” into “going to Wal-Mart pajamas” and plopped my fat ass on the reading chair all day. Well, that is after I made Christmas barf all over my house so this guy can spend the next month undecorating it for me . . . .


(Yes, he is absolutely sticking his tiny pink tongue out at me here.)

Anywho(ville), vacay amounted to me cooking some decent food for my humans in order to justify all of my not going anywhere and reading a crapton of books while not reviewing any of them. (Advance apologies for the inundation you are about to receive this week.) I started my reading quest with Mt. Advanced Reader Pile in hopes of persuading publishers to not put me on the naughty list and to continue to give me stuff that I will procrastinate reading : )

Friends and Other Liars was nearly an instant request simply from the title, but then I took a gander of the synopsis and I immediately got a little blast from the past in the form of . . . .



And not for the reason most of you would think . . . .



While The Big Chill wasn’t quite so in-yo-face about secrets of the past that letters were handed out by dearly deceased Kevin Costner (there’s a bit of worthless trivia everyone should know), Friends and Other Liars is similar in that the former members of “The Crew” have all been reunited for one member’s untimely death and the story proceeds to be very much . . . .



This may not work for everyone as the secrets are pretty easy to figure out and it’s more than a bit “chick litty,” but it was exactly what I had my heart set on so it worked out great for me.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thanks, NetGalley!

Monday, November 20, 2017

Under Rose-Tainted Skies by Louise Gornall


28101540
4 Stars

“Why do people keep telling me to be myself? Honestly. It’s like they’ve never even met me.”
Every now and then a certain someone takes a break from training monkeys in order to send me little treasures I didn’t even know I wanted until I received them. Under A Rose Tainted Sky is one of those. When I received a message telling me I had some goodies waiting for me if I would get off airplane mode (said monkey trainer also has to run interference in order to save me from my own stupid) I had much excite. Especially when I discovered this one was about someone with agoraphobia. Even my husband reacted like so when I told him what my book bestie had selected for me . . . .



What can I say????



So about the book. THIS is what that Turtles FUCKING SUCK! All The Way Down should have been. But NO. John Green will sell eleventy trillion copies of a giant pile of turtle suckage and this little gem will sell a handful. And don’t even give me the “John Green struggles with the same thing as his MC” argument, because THIS author does to. Now I’m going to let the book do the talking from here out so I don’t have an aneurysm.

Meet Norah – a 17-year old agoraphobic who leaves her house only to attend therapy. She is well aware that she needs to work on controlling her fears, else she . . . .

“die cold and alone. Hidden in my room while strangers post messages of condolence on my social media and rabid cats eat my decomposing corpse.”

But managing her anxiety is easier said than done . . . .

“Anxiety doesn’t just stop. You can have nice moments, minutes where it shrinks, but it doesn’t leave. It lurks in the background like a shadow, like that important assignment you have to do but keep putting off or the dull ache that follows a three-day migraine. The best you can hope for is to contain it, make it be as small as possible so it stops being intrusive.”

And when things get too overwhelming, sometimes she needs an escape . . . .

“It’s drastic, a last resort. But so easy. Like breathing, blinking. One beat in time. One quick slice, where nobody can see, and it all stops. This is not about dying. This is about trying to get back some control.”

When Luke moves next door – and then continues to pop up on Norah’s front steps, laughing at her snarky commentary, withholding judgment regarding her lack of leaving the house – Norah is confronted with a new challenge . . . .

“TV didn’t adequately prepare me for talking to boys in real life.”

Norah is well-aware her issues are quite the inhibitor when it comes to romance, but it doesn’t stop her from asking . . . .

“Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I think the way normal people do? I so desperately would have liked to have him as a friend.”

What Norah doesn’t realize is . . . . .

“There isn’t much you miss when you’re really looking.”

If you want a different take on the “boy next door” story – this one might be a winner. I sure loved it . . . .

 

Friday, November 17, 2017

In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd

30152
3.5 Stars

To borrower some of Jean Shepherd’s own words, I chose to read In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash in order to prepare for the . . . .

“Yearly bacchanalia of peace of earth and good will to men.”

Save your breath if you want to tell me “it’s too early” or “it’s not even Thanksgiving yet” because this is pretty much me . . . .



By the time Christmas actually rolls around I’m usually ready to curl up in a ball of blah so I’m all about faking it ‘til I make it and that means starting early. Now that I’ve acquired a taste for audiobooks I thought what better way to get the spirit moving through me than listening to the soothing sounds of Shepherd as he narrated me toward motivation. Alas, the porny librarian proved that he/she does live on porn alone as the audio was not an option. (Have no fear, porny librarian, you’re still my boo.)

Anywho, I settled for the eCopy and had a pretty enjoyable time experiencing new vignettes about crappie fishing and blind dates and faulty roman candles. And while creative license was taken with some of the selections such as this fabulous gift from Aunt Clara . . .



Being merely slippers rather than a full suit and this memorable moment . . . .



Being a mash-up of a little Santa’s Village mixed with a World’s Fair attraction or the quest for the Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring having a bit more depth . . . .



It was still like old home week when Ralphie spun yarns of finally acquiring his 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time . . . .



Or when Ralphie beat the crap out of that awful Grover Dill or when the Old Man finally received his major award . . . .



While drinking the afternoon away at Flick’s tavern.

3.5 Stars due to lack of audio as well as the lack of some of my favorite moments such as the Double Dog Dare . . . .



Or showing mommy how the piggies eat . . . .



But hey, at least it inspired me to get "the soft gleam of electric sex gleaming in the window" . . . .

 

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris


10176
5 Stars

I think by this point it’s pretty much common knowledge that I love David Sedaris like a fat kid I love cake and, well . . . . .



Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim might be my favorite collection yet. I could seriously kick myself for not only not trying audiobooks before this Fall, but also for not thinking of collections like these as something that would fit into my short commute time perfectly. We’re talking true . . . .



Even while in a stupid ass Fiat rather than a Volkswagen since mine decided to die like a whore on the corner a few months back. And when work got like WAAAAAAY too worky the other day and I was afraid I was going to full out pull a Milton . . . .



Or a Leslie Knope . . . .



I opted to schedule a mental health vacay day instead and went home to immerse myself in my favorite type of therapy this time of year – decorating Christmas trees (with an added bonus of listening to the soothing sounds of David’s dysfunction this go ‘round). Dress Your Family was a great blend of stories of the Sedaris children and parents (words cannot express how much I adore Sharon, their mother), the Sedaris children as adults, David and Hugh and everything in between. Thanks to the combo of some sort of sinus condition/basement dust I lugged upstairs along with the decorations, I laughed until I was overtaken by an emphysema-ish coughing fit/wheeze that may or may not have concluded with me urinating a bit on myself - and if THAT isn’t an endorsement, I don’t know what is.

I’ve put a hold on every other available Sedaris audio in order to get myself through the end of the year without (hopefully) causing bodily harm to anyone at work. Now I just have to deal with a cat who is terrified of Santa’s impending visit after hearing the story of “6 to 8 Black Men”. . . . .



No it isn’t. Read the story. Anyway, I keep telling him we don’t live in Amsterdam so he doesn’t have anything to worry about, but I think it’s pretty obvious by the look on his face that he doesn’t believe me . . . .

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid

30688435
4 Stars

“The end of the world can be cozy at times.”
It’s glaringly obvious I don’t read much of this “critically acclaimed” kind of stuff when even my book bestie sends a comment about how I’m reading something for smart people. I’m pretty sure she was waiting for something like this to happen once I got a few pages in . . . . .



Guess what???? Not only did I get sucked right in and finish it super fast, but I’m also pretty sure I read it right . . . .



This is the story of Nadia and Saeed. They . . . .



Young people just trying to figure out their way in the world, their romance is soon interrupted by war where . . . .

“One’s relationship to windows now changed in the city. A window was the border through which death was possibly most likely to come.”

But the same can’t be said for doors. Because all around the world doors are opening – taking people away from certain death to new lands and new life . . . .



If you asked me my opinion of “magical realism” a couple of week ago I probably would have said I never read it. Turns out now I do. One hundred percent of the credit (blame?) goes to Erica and I'm so happy I dug it. So timely, so beautifully written, with a very simple lesson everyone should realize already . . . .

“We are all migrants through time.”