Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Young Widower's Handbook by Tom McAllister


28110853
4 Stars


“Grief begins as a temporary condition, but left untreated it becomes a permanent sickness.” Hunter Cady is a man with a severe case of arrested development. Lucky for him, he landed the perfect wife who was willing to be the grown-up in their relationship while Hunter worked a crap job at the local car rental agency and told white lies of being a “writer.” But then . . . . .

“none of that matters anymore because she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s never coming back.”

When Kait dies suddenly at 29 before the two have even had a chance to really begin their lives together, Hunter has no idea how he will ever survive without her. Rather than facing his new reality, Hunter (and Kait) embark on a road trip where he hopes to find the answers to who he is supposed to be and in what part of America he should be that person.

I requested this from NetGalley as quick as my fat little fingers could click as soon as I saw the synopsis. Road trippin’ with an urn! Is that a Kelly and Mitchell guaranteed win or what? Somewhere there is a blurb stating this is a sure-to-love selection for fans of Matthew Quick and Jonathon Tropper . . . but since I’m an idiot I can’t find it now. However, being that I am an expert at all things Quick and Tropper, I’d say there’s about a 50/50 shot you’ll hate this if you go in expecting something like their stuff because Tom McAllister’s voice is completely his own. While Hunter is a loser much like Quick and Tropper’s characters – he’s not very loveable and that was A-okay with me. Given enough time I find most humans end up being not very loveable so I appreciated that Hunter owned his worthlessness right from the start. If I had to compare this story to any other it would be The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving. Not only did the two books have a road trip in common, but Hunter reminded me of a young Benjamin Benjamin and the tone of each was melancholy (of which I am a giant fan).

Pretty much there are two types of people in the world. People like this . . . .



And people like me . . . . .



If you are of the same ilk, you may appreciate this little downer of a tale too. McAllister hit this one nearly out of the ballpark for me. Even the stuff I’d seen before . . . .



Didn’t seem to be borrowed (duh, dude was missing his wife not overdosing on heroin). Since (1) this was his debut and (2) he looks to be about 14 years old, there’s a solid chance this author will earn all 5 Stars from me before all is said and done because I’m telling you, this child can W.R.I.T.E. . . . . .

“There is romance and then there is love and although they’re related to each other, they are not the same thing. Romance is temporary, predicated on countless variables working synchronously to create something memorable that vaguely recalls a scene from a familiar movie; it’s perhaps a step on the way to love, or a reaffirmation of love, or maybe it’s just a single beautiful moment with no meaning beyond itself. Love, it’s this other thing, a thing that manifests itself in the most unremarkable moments. It’s there without having to assert itself.”

(^^^^I went rogue and totally quoted the quotes even though this was an advanced copy – Please note I read the not-final work product so this is subject to change. But I think if it does, it’s still pretty much a given it’ll be great.)

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 
Thank you, NetGalley!

Monday, January 30, 2017

The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving by Jonathan Evison


13604611
5 Stars

I read The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving in the olde times of 2013 back when my reviews consisted of sheer eloquence and brilliant observations like “it was guud.” Then I learned how to use Google and picture these sumbitches up to make up for my lack of writing skillz. Last year this became a NetFlix original movie which I watched while lying in bed like a fat slug when my family went out of town one weekend. A couple of months ago while trying to surmount the timeless first world problem of ”THERE’S NOTHING ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN” I forced suggested we all give this a go as one big dysfunctional happy family. And guess what? Everyone loved it. Because I am always right . . . .



After reading the ARC of The Young Widower’s Handbook (play your cards right and you might luck out and get two reviews from me today), I couldn’t stop thinking about this one. I also am 100% addicted to the “Read to Reel” thing – even though I’ve already won my coffee mug . . . . .


(^^^It’s a Major Award!)

And I can’t stop reading (or re-reading as the case is here) books that became movies.

But enough of that, this is a BOOK SITE. WTF am I rambling about (luckily I never do that, right?)?

The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving is the story of Benjamin Benjamin (proving pornos aren’t the only books that are allowed to have idiotic character names). A superbadawful happened to Benjamin a while ago leaving him in a state of arrested development . . . .



With maxed-out credit cards and barely any cash left in his savings, Ben is forced to join the real world once again. He opts for a 28-hour class that will teach him how to be a caregiver and ends up assisting Trevor, a young man with Duchenne muscular dystrophy who is pretty much the perfect fit. Much like Ben, Trevor is content to exist rather than live. He goes to the movieplex for a matinee each Thursday and eats the same waffles each morning . . . .



The only perk in his life is mapping places weird tourist traps he’ll never visit (like a double-decker outhouse or a Virgin Mary that appeared in a stump) while watching the Travel Channel . . . .



That is, until an opportunity presents itself and Trevor and Ben have a reason to travel to Salt Lake City. Can you say ermagherd ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Picking up a stranger or two along the way . . . . .



Do you want to read this yet? If not, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!? Broken people and road trips?????? That’s like the best kind of story ever!

“Life’s a fucking class A bitch.”

The book is Ben’s story and the movie is more Trevor’s, and the tone is very different. If you want an excuse to kind of rest your head in the oven for a bit, read the book. If you want the lighter side of the story, opt for the movie . . . .







Or do the smart thing and experience both : )

Book #6 in the Winter Reading Challenge even though I already got the mug.

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

Heartbreaking. Uplifting. Characters I want to find in real life to see what they are doing now. So good. Just read it. You won't be disappointed.

Friday, January 27, 2017

The Wing Man by Natasha Anders


31697989
4 Stars

Dearest Val, my eternal gratitude for your inability to read “reel” books. If it weren’t for you I would have never discovered this little gem.

The story here is about a trio of sisters with the most ridiculous names ever. Dahlia, Daffodil and Daisy. Thank the good lort this one was about the least puke-inducing member of the family, Daisy. Daisy has always been known as the “other sister.” Y’all know what that means, right?????



While Dahlia and Daff are both built like models with perfect long straight hair, Daisy is short and curvy. Which means she’s always felt like the wallflower, but in reality she’s pretty much this girl . . . .



(I don’t know that I love anyone more than I love Emilia Clarke in Me Before You so that’s about the highest compliment I can pay to a leading lady.)

Daisy is trying her best to disappear into the wall while attending her sister’s Hen Night when she is approached by one of the Carlisle brothers. Jaw-droppingly handsome with a résumé including a stint in the Army, some time as a model and co-owner of a security business, Mason is not the type of guy who would generally pay attention to Daisy. After a couple of drinks and some time getting to know each other, Daisy finds out Mason wasn’t interested – he was sent over as a distraction so his brother could try and get in Daisy’s sister Daff’s panties. In layman’s terms, he was acting as wingman . . . .



When Daisy overhears a conversation between the two brothers disclosing the truth, she turns tables and convinces Mason to act as her wingman – a/k/a be her “date” to her sister Dahlia’s wedding.

Okay, so not only do we have a D.U.F.F. situation (Erica, it’s THE DUFF!!! Your favorite!), but now we have an additional trope of a “pretend relationship” . . . . .



It probably goes without saying that I loved nearly every second of this one. Not only was Daisy hilarious (luckily not at all in a manic pixie dream girl sort of way), but Mason was all ex-military with cropped hair and tattoos so casting him in my brain worked out wonderfully as well . . . . .



There was NO instalove (in fact, quite the opposite) and despite a hardcore case of blue balls setting in before these two finally took their road trip to Pound Town, when they did it was good . . . . .



SO. GOOD.

4 Stars rather than 5 because the pacing wasn’t quite spot on so it probably should have been a bit shorter, there was an extra twist at the end that made Mason recognize his twue wuv that I thought was totally unnecessary (even though the set up that it was coming was presented pretty much through the entire book), and Mason talked about more unreconciled boners than a 14 year old. How much wood could Mason's woodchuck chuck????



Still HIGHLY recommended however, and this is currently a Read Now selection on NetGalley so go get you some.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Cheater by Rachel Van Dyken

31319454
3 Stars

“This is my story. You will hate it. You will hate me.”


^^^^I thought that was secret porn code for “you will love it and splooge yourself all over everywhere,” but it turns out he kind of wasn’t lying. But what do I know????



The story here is of Lucas Thorn and Avery Black (yay for actual human names!!!!). Lucas and Avery go way back . . . all the way to when they were kids and Lucas was childhood sweethearts and eventually engaged to her sister. A disastrous case of mistaken identity found Lucas en flagrante with yet another sister thus making with a cease and desist of the nuptials and Lucas labeled as he who shall not be named among the members of the Black family. Fastforward several years and Avery discovering her new boss is . . . you guessed it. Lucas. The new Lucas has a different girl for every day of the week in order to make sure he’s never caught “cheating” again – but can all that change when the truth of what actually happened so many years ago finally comes out?

I’ve mentioned before I absolutely adore Rachel Van Dyken. She is an autoclick for me whenever a new release comes out and she writes the best stories. Good characters, so much chemistry, not icky smexytimes. I REALLY appreciated what she tried to do here by writing something fresh rather than following the formula of using one of the handful of tired tropes most porny writers choose. And Lucas and Avery where amazing together. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I just couldn’t get over the used to be engaged to her sister part. I don’t think the family would have ever been able to get over it either. Not to mention the age difference back-in-the-day was kind of at the statutory level so that raised the ol’ hinky meter a bit too. For all of those reasons I just can’t let myself give this more than 3 Stars. I wasn’t offended by anything – it just didn’t work for me and seemed way too unrealistic. I guess I really channeled my inner Ron 2.0 on this one. Someone call the fun police . . . .



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Room Mate by Kendall Ryan

30818614
4 Stars

See that cover? That thing made me science all over my underwears before release date even came around. Thanks to the ever so delightful Courtney (whose review brought this to my porndar to begin with), I was bequeathed a copy of The Room Mate upon arriving at work yesterday. I was totally ready to pull out the big guns in order to guarantee some sneaky-reading too . . . . .



But things were slow so I managed to get an actual lunch hour and hiding in the toilet stall wasn’t necessary.

The story here is that Paige’s bestie’s younger brother needs a place to stay for a couple of months before he starts his residency. Paige reluctantly gives in only to discover Cannon (stupid name is stupid) isn’t the same nerd she remembered from high school.

Allow me a second to say between the cover and the description of Cannon being six plus feet tall with messy, sandy-colored hair “cropped neatly on the sides, but long enough on top” combined with a bonus five o’clock shadow and you have a Kelly who was seriously channeling her inner Leslie Jones when it came to this book . . . .



Where was I? Oh yeah, Cannon needs a place to stay and Paige has an extra room. Due to a combination of his schedule and a track record with Stage Five Clingers, Cannon is just trying to get through his final couple of months in town. But he can’t deny he’s always had a thing for Paige and, well, Paige has a pretty itchy scratch she’d like to take care of herself, but rules are rules and your BFF’s little brother should remain off limits. That is, until she accidentally runs into him when he’s coming out of the shower – and then catches him rubbing one out and she’s all like . . . .



And see that meat bar she does! #splooooooooosh



If you are looking for a trope that never gets tired without a lot of angst and with a bunch of quality sexuals, this is a winner. This is also the reason I never say never when it comes to porno authors. I literally (like two days ago) 2 Starred a book by Kendall Ryan and seriously debated about whether or not this was worthy of all 5 Porny Stars. (For those curious, it didn’t get the full monty because Cannon mentioned all of his “8 inches” a time too many and that just didn’t seem like something to write home to yo momma about.) Despite his weird obsession of his not-really-that-giant wang, I still wanted to do bad things to him . . . .



No, Jesse! I wanted to do this . . . .



Endless thanks to my book fairy Courtney!


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

North and South by John Jakes


159178
5 Stars


After being trolled three times yesterday for not only reading things wrong, but also for wasting my Goodreads space and apparently everyone’s time creating picturebooks full of “stupid” and “uninformative” reviews that apparently belong on a place I’ve never heard of before called Buzzfeed (which I will make sure I remain in the dark about in order to take that as an eternal compliment) please consider this a fair warning: THIS “REVIEW” IS GOING TO BE STUPID AND COMPLETELY UNINFORMATIVE AND THE ONLY PLACE IT’S WORTHY OF BEING PUBLISHED IS TUMBLR.

This sucker has nearly 50,000 ratings and sits at 4.19 so obviously it’s considered to be pretty good. On the other hand, it’s also a real puppy squisher at 800+ pages and the first of a set of three (just as puppy squishy) books in a series so I could give zero poops if you ever read it or not. Instead I’m going to tell you about why I read it – or re-read it, as the case is here . . . .


(^^^If your brain made you do a rewind in order for you to sing that line, you might be old enough to understand how North and South was a real game changer for me. You might also be pretty awesome.)

Back in the dark ages before DVR and Netflix, families would all gather around their giant 19” television sets in order to watch what was known as a miniseries. Part television program/part movie these programs were shown in two-hour blocks over the course of how ever many days it took for them to play out. On Tuesday, December 3, 1985 the first episode of North and South aired and I begged for a reprieve from my bedtime in order to watch every moment due to the fact that I was certain I had discovered my future husband . . . .


(^^^In the show he suffered a leg injury in the war, in the book he lost an arm. Spoiled actors, unwilling to truly sacrifice their body for their art.)

Being that I was a Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court already being raised in a factory town, I had no desire to experience the life of the iron mill. Instead I set my sights on figuring out a way to become a proper Southern lady and live on a plantation one day. (Please note owning slaves and growing things were not of concern to my tiny little perverted mind. I just wanted to live in a big house and get to kiss Patrick Swayze whenever I felt like it.)

I also wanted to marry Orry but actually be Constance because . . . .



Well, just look at her. She was so beautiful. She was also Irish Catholic and I was Catholic and attended a church with an Irish-accented priest so I figured I could catch on real quick. Plus, her boobs looked real good in those dresses and at nine years old big boobs were something I really dreamed of being able to achieve one day (totally nailed that one too so yay me!).

With the help of either my mother or my aunt being part of a 1980s wedding . . . .


(^^^Picture borrowed from the interwebs, but we’re talking the EXACT same theme here.)

I was able to dig out a beauty like this from the recesses of the closet . . . . .



Which I proceeded to wear every time I went to my grandparents’ house and flitted about saying things like “I do declare” (couldn’t quite get that Irish brogue so I turned Scarlett) to the point where I was kindly told to shut the hell up.

I also learned how to slut-shame my first fictional character, but seriously . . . .



She was a total slut and deserved it.

Long story long, I became O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D So much so that when I discovered this monstrosity on my Grandpa’s bookshelf I decided to read it. The family probably should have recognized there was something not quite right about me when I chose an 800 page tome rather than Sweet Valley High but whatevs.

Obviously it’s been just a couple of years since I read this, but Good Golly Miss Molly it was even better than I remembered. For some reason I was thinking the timeframe was more compact (which would have made for some real snoozer bits) and due to my senility I was pleasantly surprised that this volume contained what I believed were books 1 and 2 upon starting. As I said before, I can’t promise you’ll love this – or even find it worth your time. For me, though, this is one of the great American novels and it has something for everyone. Romance, war, family, friendship, it’s all there. Sadly enough, even though North and South is set pre-Civil War, there are lessons that still ring true even today . . . .

“These foul times. We might have prevented all this if we’d responded with the best that’s in us. Instead, we seem to have responded with the worst. I wonder if we’re capable of anything else.”

Finally, THIS is my final book in the library’s Winter Reading Challenge proving to the porny librarian that this girl does not live on smut alone. NOW GIVE ME MY COFFEE MUG!!!!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Hart Broken by Annie Arcane


33622530
4 Stars

It was Jilly’s review that sent me running to the porny librarian post haste this time around. I pretty much didn’t need to know anything other than the leading male was in a wheelchair because . . . . . . .



I don’t even remember Cale’s description because he was 100% Finnick . . . errr, whatever Finnick’s real name is. Sam Claflin. Thanks Google! Anyway, I’m a real cheap whore when it comes to tropes and since this one had the “waking up in a stranger’s bed” one followed up with said stranger not being your usual alpha male I had much excite. Alas, the porny librarian did not have this selection so it went to the endless TBR where I would eventually get around to it. Or so I thought. Enter Jilly and her mad negotiating skillz . . . . .



She told the author I was interested and forced encouraged her to offer me a freebie. Darling little Annie (Seriously, look at her. She’s THE. CUTEST. I totally want my husband to leave me so I can try and swipe right on her) was all like . . . .



And I was like thanks, but in case you haven’t already been told by like EVERYONE . . . .



I was terrified I would end up hating this little gift and have to do what I do best and rip the mother*&^%er to shreds. But then I figured Jilly would have already informed her that I’m a raging hemorrhoid on the butt of Goodreads and she was willing to take a chance on me anyway. Boy am I glad she did!

If you are looking for a good romance read, I’d recommend this one. There is no instalove, but instead an actual relationship that develops over time. Both characters are broken (literally and emotionally) – but there is no magic peen or vajay that works as a cure-all for their problems. Instead they are forced to talk it out. If you are like me and can easily find your 4 Star rating dropping to a 2 or below due to not good sexuals, have no fear. This one is nearly fade-to-black and offers just enough to get you all like . . . .



OF COURSE I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t talk about the sexytimes. First, the majority of the stuff and things was by letting the fingers (or the tongue) do the walking because dudebrah had el zilcho when it came to feeling in the penile area. When they finally did take a trip to Pound Town Jilly thought there was thanks to some sort of shot (ouch), but I can’t let my brain go there so I was thinking it was more like a . . . . .



Type of device instead. Which leads to my only complaint. Mickey tells her friend that Cale uhhhhhhhhh tutored her for the big science test for FOUR HOURS . . . . .



The chaffing that poor guy had to have experienced! I hope he had some Neosporin handy.

As for the rest, I'll let the book do the talking for me . . . .

"It was perfectly imperfect. It was imperfectly perfect. It was cheeky. It was quirky. It was infectious. And most importantly . . . . It's full of love.

Obviously this was a gift from the author. I give zero shits about hurting anyone’s feelings, though, so she didn’t get any extra Starzzzzzzzzz from me simply because it was free. She earned them.