Thursday, August 17, 2017

Lingus by Mariana Zapata


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3.5 Stars

“You need some cock in your life, and he knows what he’s doing!”
Mariana Zapata is an author who has popped up on my feed every now and again ever since I joined GR. Unfortunately, the porny librarian has not yet stocked any of her titles. When I saw this title shining like a beacon over on Amazon for a measly buck, I one-clicked that sumbitch lickity split. The other morning I started reading it while waiting for my morning fix to come out of the fancy barista coffee maker when I was startled by one of the senior partners asking what was the book of the day. My reaction was exactly what you would expect it to be . . . . .



Thank Jeebus he was classy enough to leave me with my smut and a response of “nevermind.” What can I say? A girl has to mix things up every once in a while.

The story here is about Kat and Tristan, two strangers who have quite the meet cute at a porn convention. While waiting on her bestie to get the porn star of her dream’s autograph, Kat’s undies start creeping so she backs herself into a nearby table in order to take care of the problem. Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but Tristan just so happens to be seated at said table and makes his presence known . . . .



After recovering from their awkward meet/cute, Tristan and Kat run into each other a few times over the course of the day, and then Kat discovers Tristan’s alter ego – a porn star known as “Robby Lingus” . . . .



Tristan acknowledges he’s not really interested in a girlfriend and Kat acknowledges she’s uncomfortable dating a dude who bangs chicks for a living as we readers embark on a “friends to lovers” trope.

As with all porny selections, there’s a bit of reality that has to be left at the door. This go around, our leading male is a porn star by weekend/whenever he gets hired for a gig and an intern/law student by day. Now, if you’ve ever worked in a law firm you are fully aware that the background check they do on you before you are officially hired will dig up any and everything you’ve ever done in your life, up to and including that one time when you farted in a crowded elevator (totally a friend of mine – not me). So obviously your initial reaction will be . . . .



But you’ve gotta figure out how to just go with it.

Things that worked for me with Lingus was that it was humorous and that I’ve developed quite the obsession with a certain (more than likely) sociopath this summer while watching Big Brother with my family . . . .



So even though the description of Tristan didn’t match that of Cody, my perverted brain made it happen anyway. That pretty much amounted to my internal voice screaming . . . .



Which leads to the problems. These two did not get together until the EIGHTY-NINE PERCENT MARK. That’s a lotta blue balls. I’m sure some will disagree, but I do not pick up porn when I’m looking for a “good story.” That’s always a plus, but at some point I want to get the show on the road. I don’t want to spend nearly 500 pages waiting on some penetration FFS. All that makes me do is start focusing on things that shouldn’t even be a blip on my radar. Things like how many times these two “snorted” while laughing. In case you were wondering – there were NINETY-SEVEN references to snort laughing. Good thing I didn’t take a shot every time they did it . . . . .



3.5 Stars for being cute with enjoyable characters, but rounded down due to the aforementioned issues.

ORIGINAL “REVIEW:”

Why yes, I absolutely did just one-click this as soon as I saw the title . . . .

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Made for Love by Alissa Nutting


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4 Stars

In case you couldn’t tell from my placeholder “review” below, I reaaaallllllyyyyy wanted to read this one. Naturally that equated me being denied an advanced copy. Please note I’m not so first-world-problemy that I believe I am entitled to every freebie I request, but it does boggle my mind at times the things I am approved for and those I’m denied. I mean, I have continually crapped my drawers about Tampa so I thought I was a shoe-in for whatever Alissa Nutting’s cray-cray brain could churn out next. Alas, it was not meant to be and so for the past eight months my life has pretty much gone something like this:

♫♪♫♪ “I’ve been alone with you inside my mind . . . .” ♫♪♫♪



As I said above, I have wanted this ever since it was called “Untitled” with no synopsis or release date. Then the cover was revealed and it brought back all of my white trashiest memories of “Railroad Days” and airbrushed t-shirts . . . .


(^Classy!)

The following gif is actual footage of me once I finally received word this little beauty was on hold for me at the fancy downtown library . . . .



Imma be 100% straight up and tell you all that I stopped reading the blurb as soon as I found out Made for Love was about a woman who leaves her husband and has to move back in with her father and his new *cough* girlfriend . . . . .



Really, Nutting could have re-written an old telephone book and I still would have put myself on the wait list, but a middle-aged woman moving into a trailer park . . . . oh excuuuuuuuse me “mobile home community” full of senior citizens and their Hoveround scooters made me squee with glee. I went into this thinking it was going to be sort of a female version of a Jonathon Tropper tale – I had zero clue it was going to get all “mind meldy” or that it would contain a subplot featuring an additional character named Jasper . . . . .



Upon finishing, I was a little like . . . .



While not quite bizarre enough to be categorized as bizarro fiction, Made for Love is most definitely not like anything you’ve ever read before. I have a feeling the reviews and ratings on this one are going to be extremely polarized and there will be tons of people who just don’t get it because it’s so effing strange. As for me? I dug it and all of its crazy. Especially dear old dad . . . .

“It’s heavy as hell. The deliveryman asked me if rocks were inside. I said, ‘Nope, I ordered a new girlfriend!’ and he really cracked up. He had no idea I wasn’t joking.”



Recommended to?????? Weirdos, I guess.

“ORIGINAL REVIEW:”

I just told a friend to use this tactic to score a freebie, but here's the time when I'm willing to do anything myself for an ARC. AN.Y.THING. . . . . . .

 

Monday, August 14, 2017

She Rides Shotgun by Jordan Harper


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5 Stars


“Get your keys. I’ll get the bear.”
On Thursday morning I rushed to the library as soon as it opened in order to retrieve a reserved copy of my most anticipated book of 2017. Upon finishing that one Friday afternoon, I was at a loss for what to read next. She Rides Shotgun
(best title ever) was on what seemed to be an eternal hold at the porny library, but for whatever reason (*cough* kismet *cough*) I decided to roll the dice and check availability at the “fancy” library as well. And then? Well, then I got smacked right in the face with what turned out to be the sleeper of the year. I started reading it at work (shhhhh, keep that on the DL), got home and put my “going to Wal-Mart clothes” (a/k/a jammies) on and didn’t put it down until I was done. When I finished I had one thing to say . . . .


She Rides Shotgun is the story of Nate, a man who is set to be released from prison after serving time for armed robbery. Days before Nate’s freedom, he’s presented an offer he can’t shouldn’t refuse from the local Alt-Right Movement skinheads, the Aryan Steel. However, Nate isn’t exactly what you’d call a team player, so refuse he does – which leads to a “greenlight” being put on not only him, but also on his ex and his 11 year old daughter . . . .
“You think you can turn this around? Hell, you’re already dead. You’re a goddamn zombie walking.”
When Nate discovers his ex (and her new husband) have already been brutally murdered, it’s up to him to save the little girl, and an unlikely partnership is formed while attempting to remove the marker from their heads . . . .
“I’ll be back. Something goes wrong, you run.”
“I won’t leave you.”

“Fuck that noise. You’ll run.”


Which eventually leads to me really channeling my inner-Mitchell and being willing to declare ol’ Nate dysfunctional father-of-the-year . . . .
“He was all she had and so he was all that mattered. And maybe she was all he had anymore, and maybe that meant she mattered.”

If She Rides Shotgun
was food, I would have looked pretty much like this while reading it . . . .


Although I’m married to a huge movie buff, I’m (obviously) more of a reader. I had a very rare experience with She Rides Shotgun . . . . .


This sucker played out like a film in my head. That means there was not one break in character where they did something I didn’t think that character would do, or went someplace I didn’t think they would go, or said something I didn’t think they would say. And they were so three-dimensional that the actors cast themselves in the roles. I’m not one who wants to make the sexy with Charlie Hunnam, but he was the only person I ever imagined as Nate. Same goes for Eleven Millie Bobby Brown as Polly, and Michael Rooker as Crazy Craig, and Danny Trejo as Boxer, and John Cho as Park and Tommy Lee Jones as Sheriff Houser and on and on and on and on. Jordan Harper, I’m telling you, if this was a movie my husband would watch the shit out of it. He tried to claim he might even be interested in reading the book, but that’s just crazy talk and even Mitchell said so. As for my feelings for you? Well . . . . .


You might want to go ahead and get a preemptive restraining order in case you aren’t already working on your next novel. Mitchell and I aren’t really well-known for our patience. Or you can take us up on our offer and stay in our dungeon guest room. We’re all for making sure new authors find the following they deserve . . . .


Just ask Adam Howe. We let him out every now and again. Sometimes long enough for him to even be the one who finally wears us down and makes us pick up a new release - like what happened here.
Every Star. Best book of 2017 for me.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

His Alone by Alexa Riley


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2 Stars

Goodnight am I behind on posting reviews. I’m going to keep this short and sweet.

Dear Alexa Riley:



Yeah, I think it’s probably time we break up. Since you have eleventy trillion superfans I’m sure you won’t even notice. The problem here is 100% mine. I mean, I KNOW AR is the go-to-gal for OTT, instalovin’, “breeding” (*shudder*) good times. Why in Jeebus’ name did I think this would have a plot????? But that’s exactly what I thought after meeting Ryan and Paige in Everything for Her. This had soooooo much potential.

1. They both kick ass (literally) for a living.
2. They hate each other.
3. Paige and her bestie have nicknamed Ryan “Captain” because he looks like Captain America and he’s the good guy.
4. She wants to make with the stabby on behalf of her boss (because reasons that make sense even, but I don’t want to do spoilsies here).
5. He’s an alpha – both at work and in the bedroom.

Alllllllll of the above should have equated this . . . . .



Assuming it didn’t follow the standard AR formula – which, if you aren’t familiar, goes a lil’ summin’ like . . . .

1. Virgin.
2. Instalove.
3. Bang bang choo choo train light me up I’ll do my thang.
4. Two pages worth of story.
5. HEA (generally with bonus miracle baby).

I don’t know what magic Kool-Aid I drank that had me thinking this would be different, but it wasn’t. Oh well, on to the next. Thanks porny librarian for always having my back and saving me dollahs, yo!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

The Wild by K Webster


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RATING WITHHELD BECUASE OF REASONS




When a friend of a friend of a friend (or some such fuckery which creates the Goodreads’ feed) posted a status about how this book had been banished from the world of Kindle due to it being so controversial, I knew I wanted a piece of the action. In case you are seeing this little blip due to the same friend of a friend of a friend bullshit, I’m not one who typically shies away from “books that should not be read.” Don’t believe me? Take a look at EXHIBIT A. I read that like 27 seconds after the author showed up at a stranger’s door for daring to give her preshus a negative review. Basically, I ain’t scurrrrrred of any subject matter (and I still can’t wrap my brain around why that author chose to shoot herself in the foot with her own crazy because I farking dug her book.)

I’m withholding my rating here due to the fact that I only read the first 20% freebie which was offered over on Smashwords. I don’t really give a shit if other people rate books they didn’t finish, but since I have never DNF’d a book before, I don’t think it’s fair for me to rate this one. All I have to say about The Wild is . . . .



This thing (well, the first 20%) was soooooooooo stupid. I can’t imagine it going anywhere but downhill. First, let’s address the fact that this family of wannabe Bear Grylls basically pull about 20 feet off the road and then proceed to nearly die. The finger of God helps remove mommy from the scenario so daddy and baby can eventually get to the boot-knocking without a third wheel. Buuuuuuuuut, that’s not before daddy’s little girl GETS FUCKING IMPALED ON A GODDAMN TREE THAT SHE HAS TO LITERALLY CLIMB UP A BIT IN ORDER TO REMOVE FROM HER ABDOMEN. And then dear old dad wads up a dirty dirty t-shirt, plugs it in the hole, calls it good and the two take a nap. WTF?!?!?! From what I’ve read it gets even worse with some inbred breach baby that needs turnin’ before birthin’. I mean, give me a break.

All that aside, let’s get down to what you’re all here for – the pink elephant in the room. I’m no author, but I do know if you want to write something that succeeds in being “dark” or “taboo” you reeeeaaaallllllyyyyy need to be willing to go balls out. There is no way in hell any father would ever wake up one day and decide to have sex with his daughter. Therefore, we readers need to know dude is fucked up like IMMEDIATELY. He can’t be a loving father turned child molester – he has to be a child molester first. If you’re going to go black, it has to be as black as Mitchell’s heart. You have to tell us how this man conditioned his daughter to look to him as his one-and-only from the time she was a little girl. He has to not care about societal norms. He has to be 100% self-centered and not give a shit about how twisted he is. Either that . . . or she has to be a Lolita and he has to be her new stepfather because normal dads don’t do this and even in erotica there’s only so much reality that can be left at the door.

If you want some selections that might test your moral boundaries, allow me to suggest the following:

You – because you never knew how much you wished you had a stalker until you meet Joe.

The Hades Hangmen Series – because nothing gets your motor churning like a girl who was raised in a rapey cult.

Tampa – because you’ll never know how cringey a teacher banging a 13-year old could be until you meet Celeste (and also because the buttonhole cover that looks like a vagina from a distance might be the best cover to be caught in an elevator or on the bus reading).

Nine Minutes – because abduction and Stockholm Syndrome are the purest form of love.

Don’t waste your money on this, but maybe waste it on This is War, Baby because that one has been on my TBR for quite some time and I think I finally need to read it in order to give this author a fair shake.

Artemis by Andy Weir


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3.5 Stars




Hey look. It’s “Mark Watney Goes To The Moon.” Now with 100% more vagina!!! 

Artemis is the story of Jasmine (Jazz) Bashara, a young woman who has lived on the moon ever since her family immigrated there when she was six years old. Jazz’s only dream is to rich, a goal she is trying to achieve one “slug” at a time working as a porter (with a little smuggling on the side). When Jazz is offered 1,000,000 slugs to sabotage the local aluminum company’s anorthite ore harvesters she can’t refuse. That’s when the poo begins to hit the proverbial fan and Jazz finds out that someone out there is willing to do anything - including murder - in order to keep what everyone thought of as a nearly obsolete industry going. But why????? 

As I said before, if you enjoyed The Martian, there’s a solid chance you’ll like this too. Dial back your expectations a bit and know before going in that you haven’t experienced a caper like this since . . . . .



The jokes and antics of the cast of characters are very much over-the-top, and – much like its predecessor – Andy Weir proves that . . . . 



I’m not one who researches the “what ifs” when it comes to books. I am smart enough to know dinosaurs probably can’t be created from fossilized, prehistoric mosquitos, but that didn’t make me love Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park any less. That being said, I have a feeling that the majority of Andy Weir’s science might be real. And boy does he like talking about it! In case you were wondering, yes I am fully aware of the fact that I’m saying there was “too much science” in this one after giving 5 Stars to a book that taught me (in great detail) how to grow potatoes with my own poop.

The good news is, Artemis is inclusive without being super IN YO’ FACE about it by having not only a female lead, but one who is also Saudi Arabian, and who is surrounded by a cast of characters of various races and sexuality. Not to mention, you haven’t seen a bad guy like this one in space since . . . . . 



I have to admit, I was a bit terrified that Weir’s sophomore novel wouldn't hold up after being somewhat inundated by his super shorts that have been released en masse since The Martian hit it big. The positive side of that was, (1) he didn’t take advantage of his fans by charging for those little few-pagers and (2) he kind of hit one out of the park with Annie’s Day. All in all? I give Artemis two thumbs up . . . .



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

If The Creek Don't Rise by Leah Weiss


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3.5 Stars

Anyone seen Shelby around? Here – lemme crawl in my safe space just in case she shows up . . . .



So I fully admit I read this wrong, but that’s what happens when people go 4 and 5 Star something and make me want it without knowing anything. Go read Shelby or Zoeytron or Diane S.’s reviews to see that you do want this on your TBR and read this one only to confirm that . . . .



The main problem I had with If The Creek Don’t Rise was the fact that I attempted to read it on what turned out to be the most stressful weekend of my young 20-something year old (just go with it) life. You see, one of my oldest friends passed away this weekend and she did so just like the filthy hooker she was – with a bunch of hollering and smoke pouring from both her front and her butt on a street corner. Said friend was my beloved Volkswagon Passat. This book was read while spending eleventy-three hours waiting to get approved for the opportunity to give all of my money away every month on a new “friend” who probably won’t end up being half as loyal as she was.

Anyway, I didn’t know anything about this book except for the swoony ratings – and really, even if I had bothered looking at the synopsis I wouldn’t have been aware that this wasn’t going to end up being the story of Sadie Blue like I was banking on. While Sadie Blue and her sad and sorry life were the jumping off point, If The Creek Don’t Rise ended up being more like little vignettes by alllllllll of the residents of Baines Creek. The writing was truly captivating, but I’m not a huge fan of books that “play on repeat” with various scenes looping and being told by multiple narrators. If that kind of thing isn’t your cuppa either, you might struggle too. I rarely (if ever) say this, but this is a book that could have benefitted from quite a lot more pages. I felt like every single one of the characters had so much more to give and would have liked to have had the chance to get to know them more. That being said, I’m interested to see what Leah Weiss comes up with next. I hope to shout it’s more from Appalachia, because I think she’s got a lot more to say.

Copy provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Lost Boy by Christina Henry


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5 Stars

“All children grow up, or they die, or both. All children, except one.”
Before I begin, I have something I need to ask Christina Henry . . . . .



I’d say Lost Boy was highly anticipated by me, but that would be a lie because I had no clue about its existence until the Goodreads “Recommended To You” feature finally got one right and popped this up on my feed. I luuuuuuuurved Alice, but passed on Red Queen because homie don’t do series, yo. When I saw Lost Boy was a retelling of Peter Pan from HOOK’S perspective, I was all over it. I mean, who doesn’t want to get to know this guy better????



AmIrightoramIright?

WARNING: Typical Kelly aside fast approaching. Click away now or forever hold your peace. Still here? SUCKERS! Okay, so as a kid I was terrified of Peter Pan. I mean, for realz, dude was a straight up kidnapper FFS. I never believed he was a child, I always thought he was a little person or had some disease no one else knew about where he never looked older or something. As I got older and learned more about the church stranger danger, I also figured he was probably a pedophile. Not to mention the fact that (at least in the Disney version) he was a ginger, which would totally explain the fascination with Captain Hook . . . .



If you are like me and figured Peter was a supercreeper, all I have to say is . . . . .



While Lost Boy has tidbits of the original story . . . .



It doesn’t necessarily head “straight on ‘til morning,” but rather goes a bit sideways instead . . . .

“This isn’t a wonderful place for boys to play and have adventures and stay young for always. It’s a killing place, and we’re all just soldiers in Peter’s war.”

Action, adventure and stabby. OH MY! Easily my favorite read so far in 2017. Every star. Even the second one to the right.

P.S. Look at me getting my timing perfect on this read. I say really idiotic things (shocking, I know) like “I don't really read fantasy” and then pick this up. So stupid. But yay me. Now give me a participation medal : )

 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Twist by Kylie Scott


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4 Stars

I feel like I need to provide an instant disclaimer before I even start. I’m not sure there is any way Twist could have earned less than 4 Stars from me simply due to the fact that the meet/cute was driven by . . . . . .



Catfish is my kryptonite. It’s the ultimate timesuck and tiny baby Jeebus please help me if a marathon comes on because I’ll have a bedsore or die of dehydration before I ever even think about removing my fat ass from the sofa. That being said, this was my FIFTH Kylie Scott book, so obviously I kinda have feels for the lady.

Anywho, story here is about Alex and Joe Eric (normal names in a porny story???? what is this fuckery?!?!?!?!) who met on some non-Tinderish dating site (I know what you’re thinking “what’s the point in that?” Samesies.). After talking for months, Alex decides to show up at Eric’s birthday party as a surprise gift he can unwrap in the nearest bedroom, only to discover that although Eric is just as pretty as his online picture, he’s kind of a superdouche . . . and he also doesn’t recognize Alex at all. Enter Joe. He used his brother’s pic instead of his own on said dating site. Whoops. So things go horribly wrong, Alex is embarrassed, Joe wants to apologize, yada yada yada Alex comes down with a terrible flu or some shit and other stuff and things happen that makes her decide to have a do-over with Joe – strictly as friends. You know what that means, right????



Exactly.

This one was just what the doctor ordered for me to escape real life and all its bullshit for a minute. 4 Stars not only for the obvious . . . . .



But also because Joe was described as kind of a big blonde grizzly bear and . . . . .



And not only was Alex a brunette and not a redhead, but she also didn’t whine about body issues or have some kind of rapey past that could only be cured by a magic penis . . . .