Thursday, November 13, 2014

Creed by Trisha Leaver and Lindsay Currie

Creed
3.5 Stars
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Dee has planned an amazing weekend anniversary getaway with her boyfriend Luke (and, unfortunately, also his brother Mike who has to tag-along in order to keep Luke’s parents from getting suspicious). When their car runs out of gas, the concert becomes their last concern. Instead, the three find themselves stranded on a back road . . .

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“Now all we needed was a skinny, pale girl in a bikini, a big guy in a mask sporting a chainsaw, and a sheriff turned zombie and we had the makings for a perfect horror movie.”

Realizing they have about a snowball’s chance in Hades of someone discovering them before they freeze to death in the frigid confines of the truck, the trio sets off toward the town lights they can see in the distance. There they discover . . . well, nothing. No open businesses, no traffic, no people to be seen at all. The only thing indicating anyone was ever there is the blaring emergency siren.

After spending the night in an abandoned house Dee, Luke, and Mike are discovered by a local – a teenaged boy who tells them if they want to make it out of town alive they better follow him. He leads them not down the empty streets, but rather through the nearby fields.

You all know what happens when you go through the crops in a scary story right???? Oh you don’t? Well, it’s general stuff like this . . .

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or this . . .

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Right. And let me tell you the threesome has no idea what’s in store for them once they meet the town’s leader.

“I knew what to do if the man with razors on his hands attacked me in my dreams. I could tell you which way to run if an awkward kid rose from the lake, fully grown and wearing a hockey mask. I was even prepared to get off the damn plane when seven random kids from some stupid French class went nuts over the fear of it crashing. But I had no idea what to do when faced with a self-proclaimed prophet and his entire batshit town.”

^^^^Awesome quote is awesome

I asked for an ARC of Creed (and was promptly denied, thank you very little NetGalley) a loooooooong time ago. This book stayed on my radar because it was being marketed as a “Young Adult Horror” – a genre which I feel has been done pretty terribly so far, so I marked the release date on my calendar and figured I’d forget about it until the reminder popped up. And then I saw something strange on my Facebook. Someone I went to high school with posted a status update about her upcoming book . . . Creed. First thoughts? Oh shit. This person either knows or will soon figure out that my hobby is reviewing books and there’s always the potential of me hating her product. Buuuuuuut, I’m nothing if not brutally honest and since Creed had been on my radar for a good 6 months before its actual release I had to read it.

Luckily for me, it didn’t suck. The duo of Leaver and Currie definitely have some writing chops and Creed was a fine debut. The development of the creepy atmosphere was intense and although the characters may be considered “stereotypical” for horror story standards (i.e., the taking the backroads that ensure there will be no cell phone signal and the running out of gas), they were believable. Because Creed is geared toward young adults, I also thought it pushed some “no-no zone areas” awesomely (dealing with a potential religious cult and the gore factor in general). Sidenote: For grown-ups reading this story, you might have to remind yourself that you are not the target audience for this book. If you’re expecting an over-the-top slasher type of horror like The Hills Have Eyes or Wolf Creek you’re going to be disappointed.  Leaver and Currie (and other YA Scream Queens) are bending the boundaries of YA Horror, they’re not trying to completely break them. As an old lady, I found Creed to be less of a horror and more of a quality suspense story. I also thought the only hope for any escape might be something like this . . .

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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Party Games by R.L. Stine

Party Games
1 Star

THIS REVIEW WAS INSPIRED BY THE TROLL WHO TOLD ME THAT USING TOO MANY GIFS MAKES ME APPEAR CHILDISH AND I SHOULDN’T BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THE FOLLOWING SHOULD CONFIRM THAT I AM INDEED CHILDISH AND NO ONE SHOULD TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
I know that out there somewhere there is someone screaming at their computer “HOW DARE YOU GIVE R.L. STEIN A 1 STAR RATING. HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!?!?!” Well, I’ll tell you – it was actually pretty easy being as the book was terrible. I picked this up over Halloween week thinking it would be fun to read a blast from the past. Sadly I was wrong. Now I know you’re thinking I didn’t like it because I’m too old, but I'll tell you what - I read way more than my fair share of YA books and tend to enjoy them. You know what the problem was with this particular selection????? It’s due to something I like to call “the cheese factor”.

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The idea behind Party Games was a good one … Rachel (the not-so-popular girl) has had an eternal crush on Brandon (the ever-so-popular boy). When Rachel gets invited to Brandon’s birthday party at his family’s vacation home on nearby Fear Island she is sooooooo in. That is, until guests start dropping like flies and the partygoers find themselves trapped on an island with a murderer.

I was hoping Party Games would be a younger version of Harper’s Island or maybe a less gruesome version of April Fool’s Day (obviously I only watch award-winning movies). What I got instead?

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Yep, full on cheese in a can. There was so much cheese in this story I was afraid I would develop a problem like my former buddy Chester . . .

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Luckily I was able to finish the story before it was too late. What was wrong with the book? Mainly the juvenile writing style. I realize this was a YA selection, but the story was sooooo dumbed-down it was almost insulting. The plot was also completely predictable (again, just because your audience is young, it doesn’t mean they are stupid).

It needs to be noted that my house is FULL of R.L. Stine books. I thought my kids would love the Goosebumps stories and bought them all. It turns out neither of them are fans either. When I finished Party Games I asked why they didn’t like Stein’s books and the answer was:

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Yep, too cheesy even for kids. What a bummer : (

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The After House by Michael Phillip Cash

The After House
1 Star
 
Normally I feel a bit of remorse when I give a book a 1 Star rating, but this time?

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Here’s why . . . First, look at that cover. How can something sooooooo pretty be filled with something sooooooooo bad. Second, the blurb that made me request the dang thing in the first place:

“Remy Galway and her daughter Olivia are rebuilding their life after a failed marriage in a 300 year old cottage in historic Cold Spring Harbor, Long Island. Little do they know, another occupant is lurking in the haven of their own home. Will the After House be their shelter or their tomb?”

Sounds awesome, right? I was stoked to begin The After House and bumped it ahead of a bunch of stuff I should have already finished a loooooong time ago but have not (because I’m a slacker). I was expecting an awesome horror story and a ghost like this . . .

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What I got instead? A ghost like this . . .

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Buuuuuuuuuut, there were additional ghosts to be had. Once again, I thought the bonus duo might be something along these lines . . .

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What I got instead? Not even this . . .

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It was something more like this . . .

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There was also a super-hard-to-solve mystery where someone was trying to kill the MC. There are like SIX adult characters in the entire book. One is the MC, two of them are the MC’s parents, one is her new/very pregnant friend, one is her new love interest, and the last is her abusive ex-husband who not only beat the crap out of her before she wised up and got a restraining order, but was living a dual life with a new wife and baby. Hrrrrmmmmm, wonder who it could be? Better call in the experts to solve this one . . .

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And finally, speaking of the love interest. Grown-up books SHOULD NOT have “instalove.” Not even if you call it “finding your soulmate” instead. Dude and dudette get set up by the buttinsky mother for coffee and after a few days “it feels like I’ve come home” and “don’t want to live if you’re not here.”

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This book had no idea what it wanted to be. A romance, a horror story, a thriller? The combo of all of the above just made for one big mess. All that being said, this book has received a lot of high ratings, so there’s a good chance that everyone but me will like it.

ARC received from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 
Thank you NetGalley!

Monday, November 10, 2014

One Man Guy by Michael Barakiva

One Man Guy
2 Bummed Out Stars
 
I haven’t been privy to such a horrible bunch of Armenian-Americans since . . .

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Sorry. I can’t : (

THIS REVIEW GETS A BIT SPOILERY, SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

I had super high hopes for One Man Guy. I love that YA books about coming out/being homosexual are becoming more prevalent. These stories and characters are LONG overdue. After reading the synopsis, I thought for sure I would love this little book much like I did with Two Boys Kissing last year. And it started out okay – the pace was quick, the writing was decent and the budding relationship between Alek and Ethan was, for the most part, totes adorbs. (One complaint? Alek is 14, goes from not being sure if he’s gay to 100% full on gay, making out, taking clothes off, etc. with an older/more experienced boy. Young people – it is okay to be confused about how you feel about people of the same and/or opposite sex. Just ‘cause someone makes the butterflies flutter in your tummy it does not mean you have to rush into anything.)

Unfortunately, when it came to my enjoyment of the book as a whole I found I could not get past the scenes with Alek’s parents. The duo (mainly the mother) presented THE WORST stereotype of nationalism I’ve seen in ages. I spent so much time rolling my eyes into the back of my head due to their over-the-top buttholery with regards to their feelings of “these Americans” that it overshadowed what was supposed to be the real plot. I’m 99% sure this was done intentionally in order to point out that being gay isn’t a problem, but having jerks for parents sometimes is. However, after spending so much time showing the reader examples of how the parents are always disappointed in Alek and how they hate nearly everything, when Alek gets caught in a compromising position that forces him out of the closet they’re A-Ok with it all . . . except for his choice of boyfriend. Srsly???? I highly doubt that would have been the case.

Other positives about the story aside from the aforementioned? A most awesome best friend in the form of a rollerblading, Diet Dr. Pepper swilling, gal-pal named Becky and THE. BEST. Soundtrack in the form of Rufus Wainwright . . .

"People will know when they see this show
The kind of a guy I am
They'll recognize just what I stand for and what I just can't stand
They'll perceive what I believe in
And what I know is true
And they'll recognize I'm a one man guy
Always was through and through"

I REALLY don’t like that I didn’t enjoy this one more : (

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The Drunken Cookbook (a/k/a The Druknen Coobkook) by Milton Crawford

The Drunken Cookbook
4 Stars



When I was presented with the opportunity to read/review The Druknen Coobkook, David Hasselmouse threatened me with bodily harm if I did not jump at the chance immediately . . . so, that’s what I did. Hey, I’m all about reviewing for “scientific purposes.”

Sir Hasselmouse and I were immediately presented with the dilemma of what should we drink????

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Keystone in a Kamo Kan? What could be klassier??? Komplete with red solo kup? David said we should proceed to party. I begged to differ. After all, this was our time to show that we aren’t total whitetrash. Luckily it’s fall, which we all know is the perfect time of year to go to the orchard for some apple picking.

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Mmmmmm, these apples were super fresh and so crispy and delicious! So delicious, in fact, that on the first night of the experiment I cooked the following:

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The second time around I decided it would probably be a good idea to actually take a gander at the book before beginning the imbibing process. Turns out The Druknen Coobkook includes an “anti-sobriety test” of sorts. I made it a point to get only intoxicated enough that I would still be allowed in the kitchen. Of course any time one of the other critters is featured in a review, Mitchell gets all jelly and insists on being part of it too . . .

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(In case you were curious - YES Mitchell is a seriously mean drunk. And it doesn’t help that he only likes the hard stuff.)

Unfortunately, I did not find my cabinets magically stocked with most of the items I was encouraged to attempt to make in my inebriated state. Luckily, I did not find myself with an inflated sense of ability either. I’m not so sure I could master creating an edible Couscous Chicken Biryani, Authentic Smoky Chicken Burritos, or Spicy Thai-style Pork Burgers even if I wasn't half crocked. What I was able to make were French Bread Pizzas. Perfect drunk food, so take that Milton Crawford and your fancy-pants recipes.

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At the end of the book, I figured out a couple of things.

1. If I ever have unexpected guests show up at my house around dinner time only to find I’m loaded, the meal has to be really simple. Something like Paula Deen’s Jambalaya (sorry, Mr. Crawford) and cheesy cornbread muffins require ingredients I actually do have in my house and only takes about 20 minutes to cook.

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2. Pre-planning a drunken meal will have a much more successful outcome than flying by the seat of your pants. Got a load of people coming over to watch the football game on Sunday? Make something in the crockpot – it will cook itself and come out just right, even if you pass out for a few hours.

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Why yes, I do have a vast number of large cocks in my kitchen. Thank you for noticing. (There’s also a bonus “Where’s Waldo” type of experience in this photo if you look closely.)

3. And finally, if you aren’t able to produce anything whilst loaded, keep your freezer stocked with Hot Pockets and frozen burritos or find yourself a DD and leave the cooking up to the experts at Le Taco Bell. They don’t call it 4th meal for nothin’, folks ; )

Bottom line? The Druknen Coobkook has some very tasty recipes that I will attempt when I’m sober - not drunk. It also looks adorable on display and contains amusing little tidbits that will have your guests chuckling when they are snooping through your shit. Added bonus? It only costs like $10, so it would make an awesome gift.

P.S. Don't forget to pick up something delicious for breakfast the next day (especially if you have to go to work). I recommend a coffee cake muffin to help ease the pain of the ol' "brown bottle flu."



ARC provided by Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

The Goldfinch
5 Stars
 
I read The Goldfinch over six months ago, but failed to ever write a review. What can I even say? I mean the damn thing won the PULITZER for crying out loud - there's not a whole lot my shitty little review can do to either undercut or validate that kind of prestige.

So, what am I left with? I guess I'll address the complaints. Yes, The Goldfinch contains about eleven billion four hundred twenty-seven pages. Ms. Tartt is most definitely a fan of words. If you don't like long books, I can't guaranty you'll like this one just because of its award-winning status. Yes, The Goldfinch is not bambambambambam when it comes to action. There are lulls in the storyline . . . but when I think about which parts should have been culled from the novel, I can't name a one. Everything that happens does so for a reason - you just have to read the whole thing to figure it out. And finally, yes the characters are really not sympathetic. If you enjoy development that makes you fall in love with the main characters, this (once again) probably will not be your bag. I, however, love a good unlikeable character and lucky for me The Goldfinch was full of them.

Bottom line is, I'm not so brave as to recommend this to really any one. All I can say is that I'm glad I decided to not be intimidated either by the size or the fact that the author was unknown to me and give it a shot. I'm also EXTREMELY thankful I never dropped this one on my little toe ; )

Hey, looky there. I wrote an entire review with no .gifs. I'm super legit now.
 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Finding Cinderella by Colleen Hoover

Finding Cinderella (Hopeless, #2.5)
3 Stars
 

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You might be asking yourself, “why would a shriveled up old hag like her be reading Finding Cinderella????” The answer is quite simple:

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Any author who has a memento copy of one of their books printed in “Ermahgerd” is someone who deserves to be read. Also, Finding Cinderella was free, so it was the obvious winner of the “which one should I read?” contest.

That being said, NA is soooooo not my bag. I am old and have a low angst tolerance and I get a bit bitey when I read it . . . . but I totally understand the allure. If I were a young puppy again I would seriously love to be able to download freebies like this on the Kindle rather than being forced to steal my mom’s old Jackie Collins’ paperbacks in order to read something steamy. Now those things were horrible. *shudder*

I’m assuming if you are a fan of NA, Finding Cinderella is a story that could receive a much higher rating along with a rave review, but please note a 3 Star rating from me is pretty dang solid. Colleen Hoover writes a good story with relatable characters and even though I saw the big “a-ha” moment WAY before it ever came to light, it was alright with me. Maybe it’s because I had low expectations??? Or maybe it’s because I kind of loved Daniel:

“She fist bumped me. It’s not my fault. She hates purses and she fist bumped me, then she made me push her on the damn merry-go-round. After that, she demanded to see where I had sex in the park, then she forced me to sneak into my own bedroom. She’s weird and half the time I can’t keep up with her, but she thinks I’m funny as hell. And Chunk asked me this morning if I wanted to love her someday, and I realized I’ve never hoped I could love someone more than I want to love her.”

(a leading male who isn’t a super-assholey-bad-boy??? who’d a thunk it????)

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Yeah, yeah, I know: “Why don’t you have a seat over there” and all that jazz. I already registered myself on the sexual predator list, thank you very much Chris Hansen.

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