Smut by Karina Halle

3.5 Stars

“His smile is infectious. Then again, so was the plague.” 
I’m pretty sure my husband tried to sext me last night while I was finishing this book . . . . 



He should know by now that nobody puts Baby in a corner interrupts my reading.

He should also be thankful it took me so many days to actually read Smut because things might end up working in his favor after all. I had every intention of reading this on Friday, because not only was it my birthday, but I had to work and I was just dying for the chance to answer the daily “What are you reading, hmmmmmm?????” question with “SMUT!”, but then work got worky and Cottonmouths was waiting at the library and then maybe Michael Phelps was going to be eaten by a shark on live television and I had to catch up on Big Brother, so I finally circled back to this on Monday. It probably ended up being the best thing that could’ve happened with respect to my enjoyment level too ‘cause the outcome did not look so good when I first started.

It all began with a sad attempt at a proposal . . . . 



Followed by projectile vomiting from our female lead that made it pretty clear the answer to the popped question was a definite negatory. Things then fast-forwarded to a creative writing class where our h is disgusted on the daily by the local manbearpig H pretty much just because he exists. Normally that would annoy me, but he drove a car he called “Mr. Mean” and had a British accent that appeared would only come out when he talked about “arses,” so I was kind of crossing my fingers for some more of that vomit and for it to be pointed right his direction. Not that the h wasn’t tired as eff too – with her “cayenne pepper and cinnamon” colored hair . . . . 



Let’s just say I was not feeling things. Everything felt like it was trying waaaaaaay too hard. However, when I picked this up after my brief hiatus, things got better. Amanda and Blake got partnered up for a class project (because duh), we learned that Blake was in need of some quick cash and we met Amanda’s roommate Ana . . . . 



As well as Blake’s roommate Fluffy . . . . 



Things really started looking up when Blake convinced Amanda to team up with him and write some self-published erotica in order to get the albatross of debt that was strangling him off his neck. Their quest for a pen name had me giggling . . . . 



Even though they should have went with the obvious choice – Dick Butkiss . . . 



Their descriptions of male and female main characters in most pornos was spot on . . . 

“Dirty talking alpha male. Extremely large penis. Built like The Rock. A millionaire is good, but a billionaire is better. Make sure he donates to Africa or does some charity work, even though he’s an asshole with a damaged past.” 

“Must be a doormat and void of personality or any interesting characteristics so that the reader can interject their own selves. A virgin is preferred, but she must be able to get off on command. Condoms aren’t necessary, but ropes and whips are. She must refer to her vagina as ‘her sex’ and be clenching constantly.” 

By the time they started brainstorming plots I thought I might piss my pants . . . . 

“Spread Open: A Gynecological Love Story - Nelson Dunsmuir was one of the world’s best Navy Seals. But when a mission goes wrong and he loses his best mate, he quits the Seals and decides to go back to his first career – gynecology. The moment Pender Galiano walks into his office needing a pap smear, Nelson knows he has to have the gorgeous virgin. But when old enemies rise up, Nelson has to protect Pender at all costs, even though loving her may cost him his life.” 

That’s not to say things were perfect - especially when the two had their first kiss and we learned that Amanada . . . 

“tastes gorgeous, like mint and orange.” 

Excuse me? MINT and ORANGE?!?!?!?!?!?! Like . . . . 





Gross.

But then stuff and things happened . . . . 



And I pretty much forgot alllllll about everything hat had bothered me because this sucker was hot . . . 



3.5 Stars, but rounded down because it took quite a while to remove the initial bad taste in my mouth – even worse than toothpaste and orange juice. Eventually, though?????



Yep. I could. I also got a perverse enjoyment from the talk about 1 and 5 Star reviews when a book isn’t even out yet as well as some spilled tea about someone who “all this time she’s had a blog and leaving authors all sorts of nasty reviews, then gives her own books five stars” . . . . . 



I’ll definitely be picking up more Karina Halle in the future. Hear that, porny librarian? I bet you’ve missed me and my demands. It’s been like three days since I harassed you for a new book.

Cottonmouths by Kelly J. Ford

5 Stars

“How’d you get mixed up in all this anyway?”
“Same as you, I suppose.”
“You got student loan debt too?”
My advance apologies for the mess which you are about to receive. The second I first saw Cottonmouths went a lil’ summin’ like so . . . .



Alas, it was not meant to be and I was immediately denied the ARC. And then the pestering of the porny librarian began. I tried to get so many libraries to buy this in so many formats I got the interweb equivalent of a cease and desist message something kinda like “WE GET IT BITCH! STAHP ALREADY.”

I just couldn’t help myself, though. I mean, I live like the most generic, vanilla lifestyle of anyone in ‘Murica, so when I see a story like this, it allows me to fully embrace my inner outer Fat Amy . . .



To show just how amazing some humans are still capable of being, on Thursday night (which was my birthday eve) I got a text message from the Queen of the South telling me I needed to send my address to Kelly J. Ford because she was going to send me a copy of Cottonmouths. After making sure Ms. Ford wasn’t locked in a basement (or maybe a singlewide, since that would be more fitting to the situation) and I wasn’t either (1) going to be charged as an accessory after the fact or (2) need to wire some bail money pronto, I proceeded to run around the house screaming with glee like a lunatic.

Then my husband and children went out of town and I received word from the porny library that they are, in fact, terrified of me and a copy of Cottonmouths was waiting for me to come pick it up and OF COURSE I went ahead and got it instead of being patient because . . . .



I is one greedy heifer and I already had plans on spending the day avoiding the 116 degree heat by the pool, which I did and officially named “cooking with meth” . . . .



So there’s the long story short of how when the mail came yesterday, this ended up happening . . . .



And also how even though I did get a free copy of this book, I was under absolutely zero obligation to pad my rating since I read the library copy instead.

I should probably talk about the book at list a smidgen at this point, huh?

Emily left town with high hopes of earning a college degree and never looking back. But when she flunks out and the collection agency comes sniffing around for her overdue student loan payments, Emily has no choice but to eat a big ol’ serving of crow and return to her hometown of Drear’s Bluff. When things go south between Emily and her parents, she’s left with no option but to turn to the last person she wanted to ask for help – her former best friend Jody who has become quiet the uhhhhhh entrepreneur . . . . .



“This is like the worst stereotype of the South come to life. All you need is a Confederate flag over the fucking door.”

I have to say there is nothing quite like the booknerd anxiety that is experienced once you finally get your hands on your most anticipated read of the year. Things could have gone sooooooo poorly. Thank Jeebus that was not the case. While Cottonmouths wasn’t action-packed or over-the-top like many of the other grit lit selections I have enjoyed in the past, it absolutely lived up to my high expectations and I was blown away with a story about not only meth, but also about first love and emotional manipulation and blurring the lines between what is right and what is wrong depending on certain circumstances and family who will drop a person like a hot potato for not being who they want them to be. In fact, when Shelby asked me how it was going, my reaction was . . . . . .



And that we had to figure out where these poor kids lived in order to get them away from all that mess because you just know there is no chance things are going to end well. 5 Stars. This sucker deserves every one of them.

Endless thanks to both Kelly J. Ford and my authorstalking bestie. I’d say I’ll be your ride or die, but let’s get real . . . .

 

When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandhya Menon

4 Stars

All Dimple can think of is venturing out on her own and out from under her mother's thumb (as well as her search for the I.I.H. or “Ideal Indian Husband”) by heading to Stanford. Even better is when she gets a six week headstart to participate in Insomnia Con . . . .



All Rishi can think of when he gets to Insomnia Con is an arranged future with someone who is guaranteed to provide a “long, sustainable partnership.”

Which leads us to the inevitable Dimple and Rishi not so meet/cute . . . .

“Hello, future wife,” he said, his voice bubbling with glee. “I can’t wait to get started on the rest of our lives!”

That has Dimple thinking something along these lines . . . .



Except, ya know, actually throwing her drink in the face of this rando strange and his creepy marriage-proposal-at-first-sight nonsense.

But since this is a rom-com the two obviously meet again, and are paired up to develop an app together which is the entire point of Insomnia Con, and eventually come to the realization that although there isn’t such a thing as instalove in real life, there most definitely is sometimes . . . .



And then somehow everything culminates in a talent show . . . .



Which shouldn’t work, but by the time you get there you’ve eaten so many unicorn farts that you are like “OF COURSE THERE IS A GODDAMN BOLLYWOOD DANCING SCENE! THAT’S TOTALLY NOT RIDICULOUS™ AT ALL!!!”

If this is on your TBR, go in knowing this is simply a book that will make you say . . . .



I didn’t realize this was so polarizing, and I really can’t explain why. Some people might expect more than just fluff from their fiction. Some people enjoy hate reading/reviewing. Some people get offended by nearly everything. At the end of the day (unless you are the author worried about making that bank, yo) does it really even matter????



If you (or your teenager) is looking for something cute and sweet with no angst, a leading lady who (thank the tiny 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jeebus) isn't a manic pixie dream girl and a leading male who makes you want to watch allllllllll da Dev Patel movies – this might be a winner. Or not . . . .



I liked this one enough for several people.

Many thanks to my book fairy for the gift!

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

5 Stars

“There is no room for mistakes at court.”
I have owned this book since Jesus was a toddler but never got around to reading it – mainly because every time I even come close to the “puppy squisher” bookshelf, this guy gets a little antsy . . . .



I have a vague recollection of being envious of ScarJo’s magnificent boobage in the film version . . . followed immediately by what I do best once I decide to watch a movie: fall asleep. Anyway, I hadn’t really planned on ever reading The Other Boleyn, but when I logged on to the library website to cyberbully the porny librarian until she finally puts a copy of Made for Love in my hands, this one popped up on the available now/recommended to you page. I planned on starting it (possibly poolside) once my family went out of town for the weekend since I had a feeling that once I started it would be like book crack and I wouldn’t be able to put it down. But I could not avoid its siren song and . . . . .



Since there are over 15,000 reviews for this sucker, I’m not going to waste a whole lotta time here. The story goes a little something like this . . . .

♪♫♫♪ Howards, meet the Howards. They’re the vilest of families. From the land of England. They’re a page right out of history♪♫♫♪

WILLLLLMAAAAAAAA!



The Other Boleyn Girl takes place in the olde days of yore when King Henry VIII was married to Catherine of Aragon and a young Mary Boleyn caught his eye. The “Howard family ambition” rules all and Mary is instructed to become the King’s mistress and deliver him a son he might claim since his aging wife is quickly approaching the dreaded change. When Mary proves to be foolish with dreams of love rather than power at the forefront of her brain, Anne Boleyn steps in . . . .



And the rest is history. Sort of. This isn’t what you’d necessarily call historically accurate, but seriously . . . .



If you’re like me and your husband has had to dig an old burp rag out of the cupboard in order for you to wipe your drool after watching seven straight hours of The Tudors . . . . .



Or you have a DVR filled with the househoes of any given city or you’ve contemplated learning Spanish more than once simply so you can watch Telemundo, this might be the train wreck for you.

Spoonbenders by Daryl Gregory

4.5 Stars


“Once, we were Amazing.”
As soon as I saw this title on NetGalley I had what I’d like to call a “♪♫♫♪ I want something just like this ♪♫♫♪” moment . . . .



When I saw the author was Daryl Gregory, who I’ve had pretty decent luck with a couple of times in the past, my decision to click the request button was solidified.

Spoonbenders is about exactly what the title would lead you to believe – maybe . . . .

“That was just an act. A stage show. They got debunked.”

“Did they? Perhaps. But perhaps they merely stopped performing.”

Back in the day the Telemachuses (Telemachi???) were all the rage. Led by the patriarch Teddy and his beautiful bride Maureen, the family wowed audiences with not only their talents, but also with the skills of their children Buddy, Frankie and Irene. Unfortunately all of that went to hell in a handbasket when the family’s powers were debunked on the late late show. Fastforward to the present and an aging Teddy who might be getting involved with the wrong type of people . . . .



Buddy, who has been doing his best Harpo Marx impersonation for ages. Frankie, owner of a failing telecommunications network/“goji berry juice” distributorship . . . . .



Irene, who has learned that . . . .

“Nothing killed nostalgia for your childhood home like moving back into it.”

And the newest person to discover their unique gift, Irene’s son Matty. It’s too bad his newfound ability to “travel” only happens when he’s otherwise preoccupied . . . .



It’s even more unfortunate the object of his affection just so happens to be someone really close to home . . . .



As I said above, I was interested in this from the getgo. (Dear NetGalley: You can go ahead and decline my review request since I went ahead and made sure I was the first person to check out the library copy. Kthanksbye.) A family with telekinetic powers????? SOLD! Then I read the following . . . . .

“You know why I’m raising you kids to be Cubs fans? Any moook can be a fan of a winning team. It takes character to root for the doomed.”

At that point I officially declared . . . .



Then, I got not only the story of the Telemachus family in the here and now, but also in the past thanks to the use of some . . . .



(Sidenote: Did you know there’s going to be a female Doctor now? Bet you didn’t. It’s hardly been mentioned at all and people definitely aren’t freaking out about it.)

Where was I? Oh yes, the family history. There were a few moments where I thought a heavier-handed editor could have been beneficial (hence the 4.5 Stars rather than the whole shebang), but by the time I got to the ending it all made sense and had me going . . . .



Well played, Mr. Gregory. Well played. My enjoyment of Spoonbenders already had me interested in reading more of this author's work and I didn’t have to look very far thanks to my nemesis coincidentally reading something by him as well (but don’t hold your breath for an actual review, it’ll probably take 12 or 15 years for him to get around to writing one.)

Seven Days of Us by Francesca Hornak

4 Stars

I normally throw a little “thank you” disclaimer at the very end of my reviews when I score a freebie in order to cover my tail for the FTC guidelines and not much more. That’s because 99.99999% of the time I am the one begging requesting the ARC myself, and also because by now it should be glaringly obvious that I’m brutally honest in my reviews no matter what manner I obtained about any given book. This time the case is different and, although I’m under no obligation to do so, I want to say thank you to the publisher for being brave enough to poke this old grizzly bear in order to see if I was interested in an advanced copy and risk my wrath should things have not gone well.

Seven Days of Us may have never ended up on my radar if she wouldn’t have contacted me and I would have missed out on meeting my type of people.

The story here goes a little something like this . . .

“By the time you read this, my family and I will be under house arrest. Or, more accurately, Haag arrest. . . . . For exactly one week we are to avoid all contact with the outside world and may only leave the house in an emergency. Should anyone make the mistake of breaking and entering, he or she will be obliged to stay with us, until our quarantine is up.”

What could be better than a week spent surrounded by loved ones in a stately manner home in jolly old England????? Oh, right . . . .

“This whole family is so – so fucking self-absorbed. What’s wrong with you all?”



If you like your characters and plot to be sunshine and unicorn farts and your manor house to be magazine worthy, the Birch family and their dilapidated property probably aren’t where you’d like to spend your holiday season. If you’re like me and enjoy taking a trip to Dysfunction Junction where others’ skeletons might come tumbling out of any opened closet at any moment, this one might be a winner. Although Seven Days of Us doesn’t come out for several months, I’m jumping the gun on posting a review here to get it on your radar if you already know you will find yourself surrounded by loved ones during the holiday season . . . .



I received a free copy of this book. Duh. It didn’t sway me in any way to post a positive review. The blurb was right – I enjoyed The Vacationers and I enjoyed this. Now I’m questioning why I’ve avoided reading The Nest.