After reading (and fawning all over) Waiting for Tom Hanks, I knew I would need more Kerry Winfrey in my life in short order. Per usual my best friend . . . .



Full Disclosure: That is the branch that is 15 minutes away from my house. My branch (a/k/a The Pornbrary) is not pretty . . . .

But I digress. Long story long, the library had a copy of this one to lend me.

Note to all grown-ups: This is 100,000,000,0000% Young Adult so if you are not a fan, just stay far away. Note to all parents: This is a PG-13 selection that most would probably fine benign for even middle-grade readers.

As the title says, the story here is about Jolie. Born with a severe underbite, Jolie is scheduled to go under the knife in a couple of months in order to realign her jaw and hopefully ease some of the headaches and difficulty eating she has always had to deal with. She’s also banking on a transformation like you only see in the movies . . . . .



After viewing a “medical mishaps” type of reality show, Jolie starts to fear the worst and decides to make a little bucket list of sorts of things to accomplish before she either bites it or bites it . . . . .



Items include eating more than just the Chicken Wanton Tacos on the Applebee’s Happy Hour menu – to which I ask whyyyyyyyy???? They’re pretty perfect and cost like $3 . . . . .



Reading Jane Eyre. Doing something a little dangerous . . . . .



And most importantly of all . . . . .



Having her first kiss with Noah Reed. Little does Jolie know that she’ll find out so much more about herself, venturing out of her comfort zone, discovering that beauty truly does radiate from within and maybe the boy she was looking for was right there the whole time.

This book is for the teen who is simply looking for a sweet little romance. No angst, little drama, just a nice read : )

You Can't Touch My Hair and Other Things I Still Have to Explain by Phoebe Robinson

2 Stars

I came upon this book when I went to the library’s website looking for an audio version of Tracy Morgan’s book which they did not have and they offered me this instead . . . .



I mean maybe just a lil’ bit. You would think there would be like 10,000,000 other former SNL cast member memoirs or middle-age stand-up comic bios to drop on me before a 30-year old podcaster, but whatever. I’m an easy sell so I downloaded it.

In case you couldn’t tell from the above, I had zero clue who this girl is. (But hey, at least I knew what Upright Citizens Brigade is since I’m a geezer and nearly every comic I ever loved either sprouted from there or the Groundlings (Ha! Sprouted from the Ground(lings) – so funny. Or not.).) People are always telling me about podcasts, but who the eff has time for that? I am old, I work full time and I also have a family to try and keep alive. Heck, I just started doing audiobooks like 17 minutes ago and ancestry.com said I am 100% Bibliophile so that makes zero sense. I wouldn’t have the first clue of how to even find a podcast – let alone a good one – and I seriously doubt there is one magical enough to keep my interest for multiple episodes (or whatever the fuck a podcast show is called). When I hear the word podcast I think of someone sitting in their mom’s basement/attic turned “sound studio” with some half-ass equipment that picks up sounds no one ever wants to hear like how they aren’t super great at breath control while speaking or that they are a producer of extra saliva. And while the production quality was sound (Ha! Sound! *isthisthingon???*), my listening experience was the equivalent of every wannabe famous YouTuber – except I couldn’t see this broad make what I can only imagine were equally annoying faces to go along with her eye-twitch inducing delivery. These .gifs pretty much sum things up . . . .

There was a lot of this . . . .



With sprinkles of this . . . .



And if you took a drink every time she did this . . . .



You would die before the paramedics even got the tube down your gullet in order pump all the alcohol out of your stomach.

There was also a Bizarro World factor where this woman who is a decade younger than me somehow only talked about things that even I thought were dated. Seriously, was Carrie Bradshaw really that much of an influence on your life?????



If so, let me quote The Donald: #sad.

As for content? If a middle-aged white chick in flyover country doesn’t learn anything new, surely it can’t be that . . . . .



Maybe I would have found tidbits of interest if I had opted for the physical version. However, since I was so distracted by the bleeding out of my ears from listening to this torture session, I’m choosing to offer up a couple of other selections that might be of interest (and Imma do Netflix programs which is pretty much unheard of for me to mix things up). For those of you looking for the answers regarding hair and why you can’t touch it, look no further than the sheer perfection which is . . . . .



I think I’ve watched this 10 times.

And for those of you who have an interest in culture, stereotypes and food . . . . .



It’s simply brilliant.

I’m giving this 2 Stars pretty much out of the goodness of my soul and because, like I said above, I may have not wanted to drive off a bridge if I had read this rather than listened to it. But as far as the audio goes?????

The Mother-In-Law by Sally Hepworth

3.5 Stars

“How many people does it take to kill a rich old lady? I only wish I knew.”

When the police show up at Ollie and Lucy’s house to inform them Ollie’s mother Diana has been found dead of an apparent suicide, everyone appears to be shocked. But that’s nothing compared to their reactions when it’s discovered there were no traces of the poison which was found next to her in her bloodstream and, in fact, it appears she may have been smothered instead. The remainder of the book rotates in timehops from 10-years in the past to the present where the reader learns all about the Goodwin family dynamics, how relationships evolved and what made Diana the person she was.

The Mother-In-Law is receiving its Stars purely for the readability factor. This was 100% a Lifetime Murder Mystery type of selection so if that’s not your cuppa, well . . . .



Personally, I loooooooooooooooooooove family dramas. And surprisingly, parts of me really ended up kind of loving parts of Dianna as well. Probably because . . . . .



Maybe not 100%, but I’m definitely not of the touchy-feely variety, not extroverted, keep things close to the vest, etc., etc., etc. which often translates to cold or bitchy to others. And hell, let’s face it, sometimes I’m just cold and bitchy. Life’s too short to pretend you like people that you don’t.

That’s not to say I didn’t have some problems with this story. While Diana’s reasoning behind her decisions when it came to offering a hand up were eventually explained, I didn’t buy it. Yes, as a parent you want to raise children who will eventually not live in your basement and become contributing members of society, but she had already done that. Offering a pittance when asked that would remove PMI (that’s mortgage insurance for you youngsters - and lemme tell you it’s a rip-off) due being able to drop a full 20% down payment on a house purchase is not going to result in a son/daughter-in-law who are dregs on society. And about that money. OKAY THINGS ARE GOING TO GET SPOILER-ISH HERE SO EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT GONNA SAY THE WHODUNIT, YOU STILL MIGHT NOT WANT TO TAKE A PEAK IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS YET. BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE, PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WTF WAS GOING ON AND ANSWER MY QUESTIONS. DID I JUST READ THIS TOO FAST OR WHAT???? Okay, everyone who isn’t supposed to be looking gone???? Here goes: (view spoiler)[ We are informed that the Goodwins live in a mansion filled with priceless art/artifacts. Did I somehow miss the explanation of where it all came from? How did Tom turn from simple plumber to multi-millionaire project manager who was able to hire immigrant engineers???? Or was all that simply glossed over? And aside from being ballsy enough to walk out of the home for unwed mothers, exactly how did Dianna have that hard of a life that made her such a bitch???? Because she was expected to help maintain the house her aunt so kindly let her live in? Because she had to *gasp* work TWO WHOLE DAYS A WEEK in order to care for the child SHE chose to keep and raise as a single mother? It seems to me she only had to wait a few months before Tom coming along and ordered that popcorn that changed her life from rags to riches forever. I was feeling soooooo sympathetic toward her until that point : ( The same goes for the tidy wrap-up at the end. Lucy and Ollie were FLAT BUSTED! Before the epilogue it was clear they were going to lose their business, lose their house, lose everything. How the hell did they start a new company. Who would ever give them a loan???? (hide spoiler)] Seriously, help me figure it out folks.

I’m still rounding up rather than down because I was totally invested in this and read it cover-to-cover without hardly taking a breath. Since I received an ARC I’m also hopeful there will be just a titch of tidying-up and tweaking in order to tighten this up before release date.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

The Chalk Man by C.J. Tudor

4 Stars

Which came first. The chalk men or the killing?
The Chalk Man was kind of a mixed bag amongst my friends. The dissenters in the ranks all seem to have the same complaint – Uncle Stevie wrote it better. I say to them, this is nothing like his stuff, I mean his are set in Northeastern America and this is very much . . . .



See? Not alike at all.

Okay, just kidding. I kinda get where the nonbelievers are coming from since Eddie Munster, Fat Gav, Metal Micky, Hoppo and Nicky could easily be compared to . . . .



And the premise of the waywayback timeline centers around . . . .



But for me that was where the similarities ended. C.J. Tudor definitely has a voice of her own and expresses it oh-so-well in this debut novel. There’s nothing quite like a mystery that I don’t have solved within the first 15-20% to make me a believer as well. And the wibbly wobbly timeline? Handled with ease. This is a toss up if it will or won’t work for you. I loved the nostalgia, I didn’t mind the homage to The Master – mainly because it didn’t strike me as a poor imitation – and I loved that I didn’t really have to loooooooove any of the characters to still be interested in their story. It didn’t pull punches with the gore either (headless corpse say whaaaaaaa?) and was paced perfectly at a succinct less-than-300-pages length. All this equals a Kelly and Mitchell approved reading experience!

It took me four months and being approved for Tudor’s next book to serve as motivation to finally puke out this review. Thank you for the ARC, NetGalley, and I am obviously the reason I can’t have nice things . . . .

As Long As We Both Shall Live by Joann Chaney

4 Stars

Meet Matt and Marie. Married for over two decades, financially stable and parents of college-aged daughters, they look like they could be on a brochure advertising what a successful marriage should look like. There’s just one problem . . . . .



Turns out it might be a case of the first time being so nice, Matt decided maybe he should do it twice as readers discover not only has Marie taken a fall off a cliff, but that wifey number one died in a house fire that was intentionally set!

Like so many other books . . . . .



Things get TWISTY! Oh so twisty. I can’t really say much more because DUH the getting there is all the fun. (Such fun!!!!) I said in my 2018 wrap-up I thought 2019 would truly be the year of the domestic thriller for me and boy was I on the money with that statement.

4 Stars instead of 5 because (a) I get sick of the every man is a scumbag narrative rather than simply dealing with the one scumbag at hand – especially when the author decided to wait until ¾ of the way through the book before beating the horse to death with this message and (b) while the police were a necessary part of the story, the subplot of the one detective’s own history was 100% unnecessary. This book was good enough without additional bells and whistles. Still highly recommended as a perfect “beachy read” if you prefer the stabby side of life : )

Silver Screen Fiend by Patton Oswalt

3.5 Stars

Let me begin by saying I was waaaaaaaay not smart enough for this book. I am 100% unapologetically a pop culture aficionado and most certainly not a “sprocket fiend” . . . .



I also have to admit that I have only watched a couple of episodes of The King of Queens (and there’s a WHOLE lot of baggage about the why on that one in the form of “why does the woman in these couple comedies always have to be portrayed as some shrieking bitch harpy even though she’s married to a slug of a dude?” – but that’s a discussion for a different time and place).

That being said, I am a rabid fan of Parks and Rec and Reno 911 Brooklyn 99 and A.P. Bio and Drunk History and Archer and I have come to simply adore this man. He has the most pleasant voice, he’s cute as a dang button and he steals every scene he’s in. It was like having an old friend talk to me in the car this week . . . .



Okay, okay, I’ll dial it back and try not to make it weird. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that it was like having someone you think you know pretty well start telling you stories and then you realize that you had zero clue how smart that person was or how well he could do words. And also that your own encyclopedic knowledge of films is pretty much strictly relegated to that of the toilet humor variety. So while some things definitely went over my head and I had heard/watched about 50% of the films referenced, but I was completely enraptured despite the fact and the tale of this addiction/superstition reaching such epic levels was laugh-out-loud funny when I was able to track WTF he was talking about.

ARC provided by NetGalley FOUR YEARS ago that I still haven’t read because I opted for the audio instead. That is shameful.

The World Made Straight by Ron Rash

5 Stars

As Imagine Dragons said . . . . .



If you follow me, you’ll know that earlier this month I read a book that made tears squirt out my own face and how unacceptable that was for me. Miracle of all miracles had this cover pop up right when I needed it most . . . . .



I mean, has there ever been a more perfect creation for a Kelly/Mitchell surefire success? I don’t think so. Between the cover, the fact it was written by Ron Rash and the thumbs up from my literary dream man David Joy, there was zero chance I was going to pass this up. And the plot????? Well, ol’ boy Travis is out fishing for some speckleds in order to cover his gas and insurance after getting fired from the local grocery store when he comes across a potential windfall over on the Toomey property . . . .



And he knows just the fella who can help take it off his hands . . . .

“Where’d you get that?” Leonard asked.

“Found it,” Travis said.

“Found it, did you. And you figured finders keepers.”

“Yeah.”

Resulting in a most unlikely friendship as the story progresses . . . .



As the blurb says, this is a story that is “harrowing yet ultimately hopeful” and it gets all the Starzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So Close to Being the Shit, Y'all Don't Even Know by Retta

4 Stars

If you know me you know that I’m not a real big television watcher, but when I go in on something I. GO. IN. I loved Parks and Rec from the second it made it to air. I fell hard for Amy Poehler immediately upon her joining the cast of SNL and watched her in movies like Baby Mama, Deuce Bigalow and Blades of Glory until my DVD player committed suicide. There was no chance her new show wouldn’t be one of my favorite things ever. I was right. What I didn’t realize upon tuning in was that a woman who didn’t even have a speaking part the first season would wind up being my spirit animal.

Donna Meagle had me at the first side-eye she ever gave to her co-workers . . . .



It was her job to break the fourth wall – sans words – and she was GREAT at it. When she was finally allowed to speak? She ended up being pretty much me both professionally . . . .



As well as how she spent her free time . . . . .







And her attitude toward the internet? Samesies . . . .



Before she and Tom Haverford Aziz Ansari received the cult following which was created via “Treat Yo Self” – they had an exchange that somehow still strikes me as hilarious every single time I watch it . . . .

Tom Haverford : You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

Donna Meagle : Mmm. I love breakfast cereal.

https://dubsmash.com/quote/parks-and-...

Why is that so funny????? Because Tom and Donna are television magic, that’s why.

Speaking of magic? I found Retta over on the ‘Gram shortly after joining last year (I know, I know, I’m super late to the party). My favorite part of the day has become watching her make her cup of Dark Magic and singing a rendition of “Good Morning – Good Morning!” to me. And yet I was denied this ARC. Go figure, right?

Anyway, I don’t know if everyone will love this or if you just have to be nuts like me. Good news is, Retta herself is 100% relatable and she is more than happy to share deets regarding things like meeting famous people at various award shows and parties, slamming trolls on the web and becoming a Hamilton superfan . She is hilarious, her delivery is everything a fan could dream of and more and she has a fabulous potty mouth to boot. If you like something light for your daily commute, this might be a winner.

I Owe You One by Sophie Kinsella

2 Stars

I just realized that the only Sophie Kinsella book I read before this is My Not So Perfect Life. I think I always have the intention of reading at least the first in the Shopaholic series, but then never get around to it. Nevertheless, as soon as I saw this on NetGalley I wanted to read it. Partially because my one experience with this author was a good one, but mainly because . . . . .



I have a massive girl crush on Isla Fisher and I want to cast her in the lead of every one of this author’s books. And guess what? She’d be perfect for this role too.

The story here is about “Fixie” – daughter, sister, employee extraordinaire, Fixie has spent her life being the “fixer” of other’s problems and always living by the motto “Family First.” Unfortunately for me, Fixie’s personality traits made me want to say . . . .



I could never get on the same page (no pun intended) with poor Fixie. From her childhood crush, to her worthless siblings, this girl was taken advantage of again and again and I just wanted to . . . . .



This was a miss for me, but only due to my own irritation. I’ll definitely still pick up whatever she releases next.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!