Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri by Martin McDonagh

5 Stars

Being that I’m a hermit, I can’t say I’m much for movie going. I can’t say I’m much of a television watcher either and when I do sit down in front of the boob tube to partake in some Househoes of Any City on the Planet highly educational program viewing, it’s usually on the DVR so I don’t even see commercials or film trailers. Occasionally my buddy Ron 2.0 or my husband point something out to me. Such was the case with Three Billboards and my husband shoving his cell phone in my face quite awhile back. I responded in my usual loving manner . . . .



Until he finally convinced me to just STFU and watch what he was showing me.

When I saw an update that someone was reading this “book” I continually begged the library to buy a copy of it until they finally broke down and did just that. Little did I know that it was the screenplay. If you don’t like screenplays, I can’t guarantee you’ll like this. If you’ve already watched the film, there is literally ZERO additional info in this book as it is the film in written format and that’s all it is. But if you’re like me, you only know what was provided to you in the trailer. Those things are that it features some of your absolute favorites that you have loved since she was a very pregnant police chief . . . .



Or when he performed a song that has followed you to middle-age . . . .



(And that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the acting.)

You knew the dialogue was absolutely your cuppa . . . .



And that despite the “three billboards” storyline, you’d still have the occasional chuckle . . .




What I wasn’t expecting???



And also this . . . .



Ugly crying in front of everyone on my lunch hour?????



5 Stars from me and 27 from Mitchell!

The Female of the Species by Mindy McGinnis

4 Stars

“Define success,” I say almost to myself. “I didn’t kill anyone today,” Alex says. 

I quickly dismissed the idea of adding The Female of the Species to my TBR when it came out due to the first line of the blurb declaring that it would be a “novel that examines rape culture through alternating perspectives.” Now before you get your knickers in a knot, please hear me out that it’s not the theme itself that turned me off, but the inclusion of the very-much-overused-and-very-often-used-incorrectly term “rape culture” which on social media generally makes me say . . . .



(Just take a look at some of the low star ratings and what things pissed some people off if you doubt what I’m saying. )

But then it kept popping up from friends reading it and they all liked it and were of waaaaaaay different demographics so I figured what the hell. And in the immortal words of one Gomer Pile . . . . .



Because I freaking LOVED this sucker. The story here is about a group of high schoolers and the goings on that take place in their interpersonal relationships during their senior year. If you don’t like things dark, stay far away because this sucker focuses on the pitch black of teenage life. Characters include good girl Peekay (“Preacher’s Kid”), her ex-boyfriend Adam, his new girlfriend Branley, her ex-boyfriend Jack and his new girlfriend Dexter Alex, who just happens to have a little secret . . . .



Here, let me say it for all the trolls before they have a chance . . . .



This one hits you with truthbombs like a frying pan to the face . . . .

“It doesn’t matter. What you were wearing. What you look like. Nothing. Watch the nature channel. Predators go for the easy prey.”

And completely breaks your heart . . . .

“I don’t know how anybody can stand it. … All I have is a scratch,” I explain. “One little, tiny . . .” I break down again. Because it’s not just a little tiny scratch, and I know that. The softest parts of my skin are under a stranger’s dirty fingernails, my DNA embedded there along with fast-food grease and his own dandruff. Some of my cells are with him right now and I don’t want them to be. I want them back. I want them all right where they belong and I can’t even imagine if it were the other way around . . .

The writing is absolutely stunning at times . . . .

“It’s not the sheep that call to me, but the other wolves. I want to run with them, so that I may tear out their throats when they threaten my flock. But I can’t return to the sheep with blood on my breath; they will shy away from me.”

And amazingly enough occasionally made me laugh out loud . . .

“I’m inviting you.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Is that okay?”

“There’ll be so many people there no one will know either way. We can’t talk here. . . . She might throw her drink in your face.”

“Then I’ll kill her. Kidding. I have criteria.”

I don’t know what else to say. I dig Young Adult books that confront important issues head-on and boy does this one. 4 Stars rather than 5 due to all of the animal stuff. While I think I understand the point/symbolism/what-have-you behind it, that will be a turn-off to many readers and the book could have easily left all of it on the cutting-room floor.

Man Hands by Sarina Bowen

3.5 Stars

What can I say????



Sarina Bowen had been on my radar for quite some time due to errrrrrybody reading Him awhile back. Unfortunately, the pornbrary has not yet obtained a copy of that one, to which I say . . . . .



I took a few days off last week and vowed that I would read a bunch of smutty deliciousness while at home. I ended up reading this during the Madness of March while my husband watched alllllllll of the hoopies and was quite surprised that he even noticed me being in the room with him since he was not only enraptured by the various games but also because apparently JESUS is in attendance this year (#goramblers). However, notice he did and he even asked what something called “Man Hands” was about to which I responded . . . .



The story here is about Brynn. Recently divorced after catching her husband bestie riding that pony, Brynn is ready to wallow in a bit of misery. However, her friends aren’t having it and force encourage her to attend a party and find some hot rebound sex. Brynn thinks that sounds simply turrrrrible . . . until ex-hubs and ex-bestie show up at the same party. It’s at that moment Brynn goes flying across the room into the arms of the hot . . . gardner (????) Tom and plants a serious liplock on him. And then?????

“It’s better than bacon.”

Well, that is until Brynn discovers not only is her one-nigh-stand . . . or rather one-moment-in-the-boathouse . . . . famous, but also that she has just reached celebrity status as well in sort of a Kim Kardashian fashion . . . .



I’ll let the fact that I already have put a hold on TWO ADDITIONAL Sarina Bowen books speak for the fact that I liked her style juuuuuuuuuuust fine. My only gripes are fairly minor:

1. This was the third “fake engagement” story I had read in a row. Tired trope is getting tired for me.

2. Brynn apparently only wore wrap dresses as there were EIGHTEEN different references to her wearing one. I appreciate having “bigger” female leads in romances sometimes, but having the “fat” girl wearing nothing but a wrap dress was even more tired than the fake romance . . . .



I guess I should be thankful she wasn’t in all empire waists . . . or burkas.

3. Fugly cover is fugly.

4. Anthropomorphic penises . . . .

Still Me by Jojo Moyes

4 Stars

Because if anyone deserves a happy ending, it’s Lou . . . .



No actual review. The fact that I - reader of never more than one book in a series - saw this one through to the finish (especially after HATING After You) should speak volumes.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

Ravage by Tillie Cole

3 Stars

Last weekend when I was reading The Wall of Winnipeg and Me my husband pointed out that my "porny" books don't seem to be very porny, to which I responded . . . . 



One thing you can't say is the Scarred Souls series isn't porny! So before I begin let me say this to Tillie Cole . . . . 



The porny librarian ended up getting this series out of order and also I have shit for brains so I found myself confused at times regarding what info I knew from the before books and what info I wasn't supposed to yet know from the after book. But I ain't complaining, kids because this was the story I had been waiting for. Y'all can keep your pretty boy Jon Snow as long as I get dibs on . . . . 



Oh The Hound. How I lurrrrv him. When I heard (in book 4 since out of order reading as mentioned above) that the leading male in Ravage was going to be all scar-faced and a "monster" I was like YES PLEASE! I also knew from prior experience that I wouldn't have to wait until the 98% marker before I was all . . . . 



Bonus would be an actual storyline! (These guys were all kidnapped/drugged/100% killers/Gulag fighters/etc.) What I forgot was that Tillie Cole doesn't always use the best words when it comes to some of the sexytimes descriptions. Talking about "laving" parts just makes my mind go to turrrrrrrible places like . . . . 



And I had completely forgotten about the references to a lady's "channel" . . . . . 



But when we got to the "scooping her cream" I couldn't stop myself from yelling at my Kindle . . . . 



Other than that this series is obviously like my crack because I keep going back to it again and again for my fix. The good news is, if this sounds awful to you there's probably a different Tillie Cole romance that will be a hit. She writes EV.ER.Y.THANG. From Young Adult stories about Boy Kisses to New Adult sportsball romances in Alabama (#rolltide) to these crazy ass books here to my absolute fave - THE MOTORCYCLE PORNO!!!!



Speaking of . . . I think I might need to come off of four bucks so I can read Crux Untamed on Porny Saturday : )

The Lucky Ones by Tiffany Reisz

3.5 Stars

If you want an actual review, go to Deanna’s immediately because there is going to be nothing informative here and also because she’s the reason I read this in the first place so she deserves all the credit.

I had heard of Tiffany Reisz awhile back when a whole bunch of perverts were reading this really super porny porn and trying to push me into reading it too. My reaction to what was sold to me as a bdsm/erotica/art story????



I’m woman enough to admit it. I steered clear of The Red, but never forgot Tiffany Reisz’s name. When I saw The Lucky Ones wasn’t a fail for Deanna I figured this might be the story for me to try. And boy was it!!!

Let me take you on a trip on the wayback machine when I was just a bitty one. No longer in need of picture books or intimidated by a large page count, a young Kelly went venturing into her mother’s room for library selections which resided on the nightstand. It is there she discovered worlds and characters built by literary geniuses such as Jackie Collins and Danielle Steele! Oh what stories they told – just like her favorite television programs Dallas, Dynasty, Knots Landing, etc. Young Kelly couldn’t wait to tell her mother what a good time she was having . . . .



But Kelly’s mother was like . . . .



Which made young Kelly say . . . .



Until young Kelly’s mother told her it was time for her to get her very own public library card so she could check out more age appropriate stories. And what did young Kelly choose? A little gem called Flowers in the Attic that I guarantee would not stand the test of time and that I read waaaaaaay before Al Gore invented the interwebs so you’ll just have to read Nick’s Review instead to see how it made me feel. Young Kelly’s reaction to that story was very much like . . . . .



And she read the entire V.C. Andrews series over and over and over until they completely fell apart.

The Lucky Ones may not be a great book, but Tiffany Reisz definitely writes well. It was certainly a grown-up version of my childhood fave and even included a bit of mystery that I didn’t figure out halfway through so that was a bonus.

The Wall of Winnipeg and Me by Mariana Zapata

5 Stars

“You really want to play this game?”

“I play games for a living, Van.” 

When Shelby told me she was reading (and enjoying) this one a week or so ago I didn’t give it much thought. After all, I had an alright time with this author myself with Lingus. I had no choice but to read The Wall of Winnipeg and Me when it was shoved in my face so kindly lent to me by my book bestie via the Kindle.

I woke up to discover my favorite kind of Saturday morning – nice and dreary. I did a couple of necessary chores, drank some java, got myself ready like I was actually going to leave the house and then my husband ask what I had planned for the day. My loving response????



Then I proceeded to settle into the reading chair for Porny Saturday. Upon firing this selection up, I noticed something rather alarming. 673 PAGES?!?!?!?!?! Surely that had to be a trick . . . . .



As I went to confirm that was not a mean joke on GR, I noticed something that terrified me even more than the page count - everyone on my friends list loved it. (Except Ana – she was totally going to have to be my protector in the shame corner if things went south.) And I totally get why it was a fail for Ana. I totally don’t get why it wasn’t a fail for me, however. Not only were the amount of pages pretty barftastic, but it ended up being not what I thought it was going to be about and that should have made me hate it . . . or at least made me want to put it down for a while.

I didn’t bother reading the synopsis because . . . . well because Shelby said to read it and I am a lemming. Things started with Vanessa working as a personal assistant to professional football player Aidan (who wasn’t necessarily douchey but very much a strictly business type of boss). When Vanessa decided to quit in order to pursue her own dreams and Aidan showed up at her doorstep to confess that he “needed” her I thought for sure things were going to get nice and splooshy. Little did I know that he “needed” a green card and Vanessa to pull it off. Since I had just read that trope in Roomies I was double-ready to hate this one.

Instead I ended up developing a bed sore from sitting in the same spot for FIVE SOLID HOURS - taking breaks only to pee and change the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Aidan did not become lovey dovey thanks to a magic vagina, Vanessa didn’t have a bunch of drama llama that could only be cured by a magic peen, the page count wasn’t a lie and the big shebang didn’t happen until the NINETY-SEVEN PERCENT marker (which absolutely resulted in the female equivalent of blue balls – what would that be called? blue waffle? no absolutely not blue waffle – don’t Google that). Despite all of the missing romance novel tic-marks, I’m agreeing with the majority here (sorry, Ana). If you read fast, are terrified of super porny porns and have a whole day to spend in some fictional romance world, this might be a winner for you. As Vanessa would say . . . .

“I’m sorry I’m not sorry.”

This book made me feel like . . . .



All the Stars. I’ll definitely be reading more of this author. Especially if she writes a book about Zac. PLEEEEEAAAAASE WRITE A BOOK ABOUT ZAC?????

 

Strange Weather by Joe Hill

3.5 Stars

Well, it took me nearly the entire 21 day checkout period to finish this audio collection, but I did it and I think listening was the right way for me to go. That’s not a comment I make lightly either since my drive time is so short and my attention span much like someone most are familiar with . . . .



I’ve repeated ad nauseum that short stories aren’t my bag, but the novella on the other hand??? Those could be my bread and butter. Joe Hill gives a great explanation for why the novella works so well in his afterward. You get the benefit of a fully fleshed out story, but nary a paragraph can be wasted if you want to keep the reader invested. The bonus (for me at least) in a collection of novellas is the fair to middling selections are easily dismissed and soon-to-be forgotten while the good ones will stay with you, quite possibly for a lifetime. Hill’s father’s The Body being the perfect example.


So without further ado let's talk about the first selection in Strange Weather called “Snapshot:”

This was my first experience listening to an audiobook performed by . . . . .



And now I never want anyone else to ever read to me again. Ever.

I fell in love with Wil Wheaton when I was just a little kid and he made me wish I was a boy coming of age in 1960 . . . .



He’s held a special place in my memories ever since. Fitting that “Snapshot” happens to be one about memory. 5 Stars for Wheaton’s performance, but 3 for the story itself which I thought would have been much more powerful if it had concluded at the end of Part 1 of the audio and the “Phoenician” and his “Solarid” camera being an imagined boogeyman conjured by the mind of a woman suffering from dementia rather than him actually being one. Props to Joe Hill for the Stand By Me soundtrack shout-out, however. That will be the selection that plays me through my workday today for sure.


I automatically assumed “Loaded” would be a miss for me since I prefer to keep my fiction and political opinions as separated as possible, but dagnabbit . . . .



I’m still not interested in discussing gun rights EVER on social media, but talk about a story that kept me hooked from start to finish. Every star. (But I will say the narrator chose a pretty weak delivery for the main female voice and that sucks because she wasn’t some Mary Sue.)


Which leads us to “Aloft” – a story about a guy who nearly shits his pants before jumping out of an airplane and ends up actually shitting his pants at some point after landing on a cloud . . . .



Sorry. I just can’t. 1 Star.


Last but most certainly not least is “Rain.” Narrated by Red, I had pretty high expectations for this one due to the choice of reader alone . . . . .


(Does anyone else tune in just to see what she’s reading??? That one she’s reading right there is a good’un)

Anyway, again I’m happy to report this did not disappoint. The narration was great, Honeysuckle was great, and what can I say about the story itself????



4 Stars.


I’m giving 3.5 Stars to the collection in its entirety. It was definitely not a waste of my listening time.