What The Hell Did I Just Read by David Wong

4 Stars

“You want to hear a story? Well, buckle the fuck up.” 

You’re probably wondering how someone who incessantly and annoyingly occasionally mentions how she doesn’t read past the first book in a series ended up reading a #3. Well, the answer is simple . . . .



But in this case I want free books. Here’s the part where I publicly out myself and admit that I have had a hard copy of What The Hell Did I Just Read in ARC format for EIGHT MONTHS. This is why NetGalley denies me so frequently – they are well aware of how much suck I bring to the table. Look at this . . . .



Even Django Unchained can’t hide his judgey face while witnessing me read volume after volume while WTHDIJR remained untouched on the pile of shame.

Now that I have finally read this, what do I have to say? Much like the many pornographies I read, the term “series” can be applied pretty loosely here. I don’t necessarily think readers would feel out of the loop if they jumped in on #3 and I am living proof that you don’t have to read #2 in order to have a good time with it. The backstory of David, John and Amy is briefly summed up in snippets where applicable throughout story in order to catch everyone up to speed. Other than that? In the immortal words of Jackie Gleason . . . .



This time around the crew is assisting with a missing child case . . . .

“Let me give you a tip: if you’re ever the victim of a terrible crime – like, say, your kid goes missing – and you see the cops consulting with a couple of white trash-looking dipshits in their late twenties, it’s time to worry. It’s not because John and I are incompetent at what we do – and I assure you, we are – but because you need to start asking yourself a very hard question. Not “Will I get my child back?” but “Do I want to get my child back?”

From there it’s another long strange trip filled with secret government agencies and alternate universes and fuckroaches and “the biggest titties I’ve ever seen on an Asian girl” and vigilante ex-military members and weapons of choice like a t-shirt gun that shoots the Shroud of Turin and an iPod shuffle loaded with 80s power ballads. And when all else fails? Put a little Soy Sauce on it . . .



In layman’s terms this book is sorta what would happen if this . . . .



(Do y’all watch Ghosted? I’m not a real avid T.V. watcher, but this one has been pretty entertaining.)

And this . . . .



Had a baby. I get asked a lot by co-workers if there’s a genre that I don’t really care for and I am always quick to say Science Fiction. I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that . . . .



Because this was straight up Sci Fi and I absolutely loved it.

Endless thanks to St. Martin’s Press for sending me a copy in exchange for my honest review.

God-Shaped Hole by Tiffanie DeBartolo

2 Stars

The warning signs were shining like G.D. beacons that I would not enjoy God-Shaped Hole.

#1 – The blurb by Dave Eggers told me to expect a main character who was a 27-year old female Holden Caulfield. There are two types of people in this world – those who love Holden Caulfield and those who hate him. I DESPISE HOLDEN CAULFIELD.

#2 – The blurb was by DAVE EGGERS. YUCK.

#3 – The foreward claimed the inspiration for this story came from Jeff Buckley’s album Grace, which no one should deny is a truly great album, but seriously . . . . .



How fucking cliché can one book get?

#4 – Since I am an old lady who was familiar with Jeff Buckley before “Shrek” created the milkshake that brought all the girls to his yard, I was pretty sure I knew how this would turn out without ever reading the synopsis.

#5 – Then I read the first paragraph and it totally confirmed that everything I thought about how this would end was 100% accurate.

So why did I read it? Because my real-life book buddy told me to, we are generally of one mind when it comes to our reactions to stories and she promised this would fall into the “love it” rather than “hate it” category.

And on any other day there’s a solid chance I could have enjoyed this more as I am most definitely a “right place and right time reader.” Unfortunately, even if I was in the mood for super saccharine love, there would have been one ginormo hindrance to my love-fest: BEATRICE. Now, I am a self-proclaimed asshole so I am definitely not opposed to characters who are assholes. Beatrice took it to a whole new level. From wanting to tell complete strangers that they were fat so they shouldn’t be eating chips as a snack, to how everything smelled weird to her delicate senses, to people’s decorating styles of the ugliest she’d ever seen, to sales girls that must have cutlets in their bras to give them cleavage to how people were too stupid to understand her jewelry designs, Beatrice had nothing nice to say most of the time and I found her to be insufferable. Much like Holden Caulfield, I guess.

But to those of you who can either find her relatable or at least not so awful you are hoping her boyfriend will die and ruin her life, you might discover that this was the literary equivalent of the Miss Dior commercials. Do you know what I’m talking about? Natalie Portman is all gorgeous running down the beach with smokey eyes in a soaking wet ballgown . . . .



Or with a fabulous red lip . . . .



Where a love story is captured from start to finish in 30 seconds and things are both great . . .



And then not so great when he’s all “I love you” and she’s all . . . .



Which is “prove it” but for some reason I could only find it in Spanish and then she gets super shovey, but then in another one they’re all . . . .



And I am just maybe too old for a story like that and that makes me saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad because I don’t want to be old and also . . . .



But I didn’t like it and it didn’t make me have any feelings (aside from annoyance, but I feel that feeling nearly all of the time) so it only gets 2 Stars : (

Simply Delicious Cooking 2 by Ron Kalenuik

4 Stars

Welcome to Sunday Dinner at the Klump Book Boar household. It usually starts a lil’ like this . . . .



And ends like this . . . .



I received Simply Delicious Cooking (2 because apparently one volume did not suffice) as a wedding gift right about the time the pencil was invented and people stopped having to chisel instructions on slabs of stone. Last night I decided to pull this golden oldie out of the ol’ kitchen cabinet for my inspiration after spending the day fishing (definitely not catching – only fishing) with the youngest since it was a balmy 40 degrees outside and by the time we were done I had a hankering for both sea and comfort foods. The plus side to freezing my tail off was I got to channel my inner “Leia on Endor” with my camo ruana . . . .



As you can see from the (disgusting) picture below, this recipe has been a go-to for me since Jesus was a toddler . . . .



It’s easy, it’s tasty and it makes a whole bunch . . . .



Maybe not the healthiest selection you can shovel into your face, but add a salad and roast some infant cabbages brussel sprouts if you want to counterbalance the massive carbo loading and creamy cheesy concoction consumption . . . .


(Supercloseup because kids don’t always follow instructions great when asked, hey take a picture of that for me real quick, will ya?)

I forgot to look at what the original price point of this one was, but you can get it for a couple of bucks over on Amazon at this point. I would have never bought (or even asked for someone else to buy) cookbooks for me back when I was a child bride, but they definitely helped us not starve to death. So if you’re a young’un who has just moved out / is getting ready to move out of your parents’ basement and Aunt Edna slaps something like this or a Better Homes and Gardens variety (because the BH&G cookbooks are much like roaches and will be the only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust), don’t give her the stinky eye. Say thank you, put it in a closet and five years from now when you have to pretend you’re a grown-up because people are coming over for dinner pull it out and make something “Simply Delicious” that looks complicated.

4 Stars for TONS of recipes that take you all the way through all seven courses.

In The Woods by Tana French

3.5 Stars

It appears I may have kinda read this wrong, but just . . . .



I don’t know if I had a sixth sense that I would be a wrongreader or what, but I have owned this sucker in paper format where it sits prominently along with so many other “yeah I bought it but I probably won’t get around to reading it unless I’m housebound due to illness or a zombie apocalypse” selections on my bookshelves. When this popped up as a recommendation on the WRC in order for me to earn my annual coffee mug from the liburrrrrry . . . .



I put my name on the wait list for an e-copy (easier for me to read on the go/at lunch/etc.). My friend Christine’s review convinced me it really was time to stop procrastinating. So what (sorta) went wrong? Welllllllll, since this is a mystery let me give you a list that will hopefully ‘splain my reaction without offering up any spoilsies.

1. My copy was 600 PAGES long. That was reason numero uno for me not reading this sooner and I was absolutely right in my thinking that there was zero reason for a mystery to contain so many pages. A quarter of this book could have been cut without a problem.

2. Everyone else seems to really appreciate Tana French’s writing, but the flowery style interwined with Rob’s narrative in combination with this being simply a “whodunit” was jarring to me.

3. A superbadawful had happened to the leading male when he was just a kid. Somehow dude ONLY STARTED GOING BY HIS MIDDLE NAME and no one ever put two and two together that he was the kid from way back when. And he’s a cop. Please don’t ever let anything bad happen to me in Ireland if you can really become a murder detective without a better background check than this.

4. Rob and his partner Cassie were the bees knees and an example of how male and female co-workers can be equals and not fall into the sack with each other . . . until they weren’t. I literally screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and scared the crap out of both my husband and the cat. And Cassie’s wrap-up at the end????



What a cherry to put on top of that shit sundae. I just noticed that she’s the main character in the next book and there’s no chance I’ll be reading it because I lost all respect for her.

5. Apparently the whodunit came as a big shocker to a lot of readers as well, but again I was like . . . .



Maybe it’s because mystery-thrillers are my genre of choice, but there were tons of not-so-subtle hints dropped throughout the book that pointed a spotlight on the truly guilty party.

In The Woods was a decent book, but I’m rounding down rather than up because it just didn’t stand out enough compared to the billions of other murder mysteries on the market. But again, I read it wrong and if it’s on your TBR it should stay there.

Since the Winter Reading Challenge doesn't end until March, this still counts even though I already scored my mug. Yay me for being an overachiever ; )

Beard In Mind by Penny Reid

4 Stars

FINALLY my turn at the pornbrary came up for this highly anticipated Winston Brothers story. Please don’t get it twisted – I, along with hundreds of other horny housewives, resemble something much like this at the mere mention of “Billy” . . . .



But seeing as his book doesn’t come out for another seventeen thousand years I had to make do with this one and thank the tiny 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jeebus (don’t even know a word yet) that Beard In Mind lived up to my high hopes. If you are familiar with these stories – or if you have two brain cells that cooperate with each other – you can figure out that this series focuses on a bunch of brothers. Thus was the case here with brother Beau, the charmer of the group. The difference this time? I could really give a rat fart about him because it was all about the leading lady. Meet Shelly. She has some personality traits that might seem a tad familiar . . . . .



Wrapped up in a package something like this . . . .



Her milkshake most definitely brings the boys to the auto yard where they be all . . . .



That is until they have an interaction with her, at which point they’d probably be more like . . . .



Now I’m sure there are a plethora of horny housewives who will be ever-so-offended by Shelly and say people with her diagnosis aren’t really like that and blah blah blah. You’re all entitled to your opinion. Just don’t come here and tell me that I’m a jerkoff for enjoying a fucking PORNO because if you do, you know what you can do with your comment????



Shelly kicked ass and this book had all the things going for it:

1. Shelly;

2. She was the dirty talker and that made me giggle;

3. Shelly;

4. It ran in the same timeline as Cletus/Banana Cake Twat’s story;

5. Shelly;

6. The “drama” was of a different variety that could have really put a kink in the works when it comes to Billy and Claire’s story if things went a little differently;

7. Shelly;

8. We got a glimpse of Roscoe’s love interest and a taste of what the trope will be for the next book;

9. Shelly;

10. And last but most certainly not least . . . . .

“Do not stop doing that.”

“Can I do other things?”

“Yes. All the things. Do all the things.”

Which led to . . . .



#splooooooooooooooooooooooooosh!!!!

4 Stars. Definitely my fave so far. Until next time . . . .

Cartel by Lili St. Germain

1 Star

It’s my first 1 Star of the year!!!! You were probably starting to wonder if I had become a pod person or some such, to which I say . . . .



Just kidding. Say no to drugs, kids.

You might be curious now that I’m a lover of the pornies, how exactly one earns a solo twinkle-twinkle. If you follow my reviews it’s pretty obvious that I can overlook a lot of things when it comes to stories about hidin’ the ol’ salami. In the past I’ve proven I can be okay with “traitorous bodies” and alpha males and lots of discussions regarding the humidity levels in a lady’s underpants and barely existing plots and on and on and on. The problem here was this book had not only all of the above-referenced issues, but also . . . .



I read this because it popped up on the pornbrary’s “Recommended To You” page. I didn’t bother checking out the synopsis, because the pornbrarian is my lobster and I will read whatever he/she tells me to and also because the title seemed like a no-brainer. I’m used to having to explain to my friends and co-workers that I’m reading pure trash and dealing with their reactions . . . .



Here’s my advice to Lili St. Germain: If you are going to call your book CARTEL, I suggest it be about the effing cartel and not a motorbiker porno. I read plenty of those stories too, but I know they’re going to be about the Sons of Anarchy before I even begin. When I started this one and I was in Colombia and a cocaine transport had just gone bad and read enough smut to know some chick was going to have to be traded/offer herself up as tribute to some big baddie I was in. I was hoping I could picture The Most Interesting Man In The World as my kingpin, but then . . . . .



Before things even got all motorbikey and traitorous O-Faces happened they went sideways because the leader of the cartel was ITALIAN. WTF?



The only thing that wasn’t totally redonkulous? The bad guys were bad and were not above smacking a bitch around. But I can’t really in clear conscience award bonus points for that so 1 Star it shall remain. I think I’ll go back and give the Gypsy Brothers Stabby Porns another shot instead of trying other stuff by this author.

Sweet Potato Soul: 100 Easy Vegan Recipes by Jenne Claiborne

3.5 Stars

My name is Kelly and I'm a cookbook hoarder. That's why when I had the chance to obtain a copy of this for free my eye zeroed in on one word and one word alone . . . . 



"SOUL" and failed to see that secondary tagline pointing out the 100 recipes contained inside the book were all going to be vegan. How can I explain how I felt when I saw that??? I KNOW! I'll do something I never do and use gifs : ) 

Basically, my reaction was pretty much . . . . 



Due to a combination of my previous experiences with vegans going something kinda like this . . . . 



Along with quite a lot of this . . . 



And also because I live in flyover country where we enjoy being morbidly obese and eating an entire cow at every meal. 

But then I saw . . . . 



Well, in all honesty I actually saw Coconut Corn Chowder, but Sunday dinner is still a thing at my house and I didn't want my family to murder me in my sleep since two of the members are not fans of the nut of the coco. (I'm totally going to make it for myself next at lunch Saturday, though, because it looks delicious and easy which are my only two requirements when it comes to making food.) 

So I did cheat a bit and used meat sausage rather than the suggested sausage options because (1) there is NO WAY I'm ever making my own sausage ever and (2) the apple option wasn't really an option for the meat-a-sauruses who live in my house. I also put shrimp in it because . . . . .



The end result????



Pretty pretty pretty good. Plus I got to channel my inner Beyonce the entire time I was in the kitchen so that made everyone in my house pretty excited : )



3.5 Stars because vegan recipes are not super easy. This one was, but most in the book are not. However, the pictures were real purrrrrty.

ARC provided in exchange for an honest review.