Before the Fall by Noah Hawley

4 Stars

“In the absence of facts, we tell ourselves stories.”

Lucky you. You get two of my reviews on the same day! I check out so many books at the same time with every intention of promptly reviewing them . . . .



So what am I doing today? Well, if my boss asks I’ve been working diligently. However, since it’s the day before a holiday errrrryone pretty much knows that isn’t true so I’ve actually been downloading pornography from the library. Because this person and this person are bookpushy assholes and I have no willpower. And now I’m going to try and review a legit book and expect to be taken seriously? No, not really. Here are some pictures and you can decide if you want to read this or not.

Before the Fall is about . . . .



Confession: I am morbidly fascinated by airplane crashes (there was a missing plane reported on the news this morning and I. COULD. NOT. pull myself away from the television). Because of this creepy fixation I will most likely never get on a plane again . . . but I sure as shit like reading about ‘em!

Anyway, like I said the main plot point that ties everything/every character together is a plane crash. The plane belongs to a media mogul . . . .


(Only not 417 years old)

Who has invited a super creepy businessman . . . .



To accompany them on the private jet from Martha’s Vineyard back to NYC. Their wives are also on the flight, but who gives a crap about millionaire’s wives, right????



Plus, they’ll be dead in 16 minutes away.

The real focus is on survivors Scott, a painter of unusual images, and the media mogul’s 4 year old son (again, not a lot of character development on that one which is good because, in case you haven’t been around them, 4 year olds are kind of douchebags). Scott pulls off a real Jack Lallane by swimming with a dislocated shoulder through shark infested waters (yes, I know it’s ridiculous Ron, but sometimes you just gotta channel your inner Elsa and let it go) . . . .



The rest of the story does the wibbly wobbly timey wimey in order to provide the deceased passenger’s backstories as well as the aftermath of how Scott and J.J. deal with surviving the tragedy. It also features a shockjock type of news anchor who was one of the most punchable characters I read in 2016 . . . .



This was a Goodreads Choice Awards this year for “Best Mystery Thriller.” Like most of the selections for those awards, I found the category selection misleading at best and asinine at worst. While Before the Fall does have a bit of a “mystery” vibe included with respect to figuring out exactly what happened to make the plane crash this was more of a character study. I didn’t keep turning pages because I was on the edge of my seat, but because I was generally interested in reading more about these peoples’ lives. The writing was solid, it flowed well and at a great pace and it was just a good book. Recommended.

Triptych by Karen Slaughter

4 Stars

Holy poop I’m really far behind on reviewing. And you know what’s awesome? All the library books I read while on Christmas vacay are now disappearing from my Kindle making my notes go “poof” . . . . .



(Hey Goodreads, why don’t you figure out how to make your super not awesome feature of Kindle note sharing work for library books instead of just shit I had to buy on Amazon. Kthanks!)

Anyway, like I said I’m really far behind, I read this nearly two weeks ago and I am senile so I don’t have any quotey quotes to share. You’ll just have to trust me that the dialogue on this was pretty decent and there were some quotables.

Shelby (Ha! I totally got to link one of your “I lurved it, it was gud” reviews LOLOLOLOL) has been telling me to read Karen Slaughter until she’s blue in the face, but I’m a jerkoff so I ignored her. (Really I was a little terrified I would hate it and then she would cut me.) Good news is, I didn’t hate it at all. And to Karen Slaughter . . . .



At the risk of sounding sexist against my own fairer sex, I never cease to be amazed by women authors who are willing to take things to an uncomfortable level with zero shits given. Caroline Kepnes did it with an anti-hero you just couldn’t stop yourself from falling in love with, Ania Ahlborn does it with horror and Karen Slaughter does it with crime fiction.

The story here is about dead women in Atlanta whose murders may be connected. “May” being the operative word due to the fact that they don’t fit the typical serial killer scenario since they are of different ages and socioeconomic backgrounds. They all have something in common, however, that is a potential link – their tongues have been bitten off. Makes you hungry, right????



Detective Michael Ormewood has been assigned the latest case when a fella named Will Trent enters the scene offering to help. Then things get a little cray and you get to find out just how intricate a spider web Karen Slaughter is capable of weaving together.

So like I said, I’m officially a Karen Slaughter fangirl now. I had my doubts after reading Pretty Girls, but I’m going to trust Shelby and say that one was just a fluke. Now, Slaughter does have her moments and this was a real Stephen King in need of leaving some pages on the cutting room floor, but other than those times where I was screaming . . . .



This was a solid start to a series.

Things I loved (aside from the stabby stabby):

1. Will Trent. J.K. Rowling did it with Cormoran Strike and Karen Slaughter did it with Will Trent. Instead of some super hot supersleuth, Will kind of resembles this guy . . . .



Wait, that’s not right. He really kinda looks like this . . . .



He’s not pretty. He’s also seriously effing broken and you’ll totally fall in love with him (if you’re smart it will be a not-sexy way because Shelby called dibs a long time ago).

2. Speaking of broken, meet the female lead in this series Angie Polaski. As a future Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame inductee once said . . . .



“She’s a crazy bitch.”

It’s A-Okay to have this type of reaction to her too . . . .



She’s seriously punchable and also a little awesome.

3. The change in perspective. I didn’t expect the narrator to change and it threw me for a loop for a bit, but boy was that a good idea.

4. Knowing the “whodunit” early. I love a good mystery that confirms your suspicions early and allows you to sit back and enjoy the ride while the characters play catch up.

If you’re a fan of crime thrillers, this is an author to definitely check out.

Beard Science by Penny Reid

3.5 Stars

Let me begin by stating how refreshing it is to have one of these super smart journals actually embrace the term science on behalf of all of us pervs researchers. Mmmmmmmmm . . . .



Let me also state that if you are looking for a super sciencey type of story you will most definitely end up suffering from quite the case of caeruleus cōleī (that’s blue balls for all of you imbeciles who don't speak Latin) because these sumbitches don’t get down to business until pretty much the last page.

Beard Science is the story of the brother known as Cletus Winston. In the first book of the series Cletus proved that . . . .



Due to a first world problem the porny librarian failed to obtain a copy of #2 thus forcing me to skip that volume and read this instead because SEVEN DOLLARS???? I’m way too poor to spend more than a couple of bucks on porn. Also, I don’t have Kindle Unlimited so save your breath and yes I do bitch about the price of books because in case you haven’t yet heard from the masses I’m . . . .



Don't get me wrong. Authors can ask whatever amount they like. I just know I can’t in good faith end up taking $7 multiplied by however many books this ends up with (because even though there are only 6 brothers there’s also been two of the love interests’ brothers introduced that could easily spawn more stories).

Anyway, back to the book. Cletus is quick to become a fan favorite because he’s smart, funny and a little bit sneaky. For some reason my brain kept telling me he looked like this, though . . . . .



And I didn’t much want to make any of the sexuals with him until I started this book and he reiterated the fact that he was a bushy bearded curly headed blonde enough that finally I recast him . . . .


(Don’t talk shit about McConaugheyyyyyyy-hooooo heyyyyyy hooooo either because he still makes my panties drop.)

There was also the problem with the leading lady Jennifer the “Banana Cake Queen” . . . .



Again, in #1 she was merely a blip on the radar screen, but she was enough that I wanted to swat her like a fly out of the series before she could become a main character. Obviously that didn’t happen and sadly my opinion of her didn’t much change. Although an attempt was made at giving her a redemption arc, for 99.99999% of the book she was a bit of a moron and a total pushover. I just couldn’t ever be friends with that girl. (Again, I’m the worst.)

So the story is that Jennifer thinks she needs to land a husband and start popping out babies in order to get out from under her parents thumbs. In order to do so she blackmails enlists the help of Cletus. Cletus will teach her how to interact with other humans in a non-creepy way in order for Jennifer to land the man of her dreams. In reality it probably goes without saying Cletus ends up falling in love with Jennifer himself and does everything in his power in order to sabotage the attempts of any potential suitors to woo the lovely Banana Cake Queen. Fastforward to the end and, to quote the modern-day masterpiece which is Sixteen Candles: Then they “do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.” Well definitely not herpes. Since this followed nearly every lesson taught in How To Make A Romance Novel 101 and one of the Winston brothers already proved he was spurtin’ some serious swimmers she probably got pregnant the first time they had sex.

I’m giving this one 3.5 (Me = Worst), but please note I thought it was tons of fun and I’m completely enamored with these Winston boys. I am nearly positive I’ll end up reading this entire series (and probably even fork over my nickels and dimes if need be). Obviously I’m desperate for the final book about Billy because . . . .



But Roscoe the sexy veterinarian is quickly becoming a THIS IS AMERICA I WANT IT NOW selection too . . . .



First we have to get Beau’s story out of the way, though. Since it’s pretty obvious Shelly is on the spectrum I’m crossing my fingers Ms. Reid doesn’t suffer the wrath of the triggered once it is released : (

Dreamology by Lucy Keating

2 Stars

Ever since Alice was a little girl she’s been accompanied by Max in her dreams. Whether scuba diving around an old pirate ship or floating down a milk river on Cinnamon Toast Crunch rafts, Max has always been by her side. As much as Alice wishes Max was a part her real life, each morning when she wakes . . . .



That is until she starts a new school and Max walks into her classroom. Strange things begin to happen the more Alice gets to know the real life Max making her question is this the real life or is it just fantasy????



Sadly my reaction to this story was pretty much . . . .



I appreciated the attempt at a fresh spin on a love story, and the “knowing each other in dreams” made Alice’s instalove not quite so barfable, but it still wasn’t great. And the love interest himself?????? Ugh. Super Douche Cheatie McCheater Pants who deserved a big fat kick in the nutsack for being so effing wishy-washy. Get your shit together! I realize I’m soooooooo not the right demographic for this one and for any of you parents who may be wondering it's (in my opinion, which let’s face it is pretty warped and disturbing so you might not want to listen) perfectly benign and fine for the teenie bopper set to read if they are looking for fluffy good times with a happily-ever-after tied up in a pretty red bow. However, since I’m a geezer I was hoping Alice would have a miraculous wake-up call and see . . . .



I wanted her true love to be discovered with Oliver instead. Oh Oliver . . . .

“ It’s a little too soon to tell, but I’m pretty sure she is going to be my first wife.”

One of these days someone will figure out that this guy should be the one who gets the girl . . . .

Postcards from the Edge by Carrie Fisher

4 Stars

Carrie Fisher died today and now the interwebs are exploding with billions of fangirls who never watched a Star Wars movie until the Manic Pixies told them they should. That sounds hateful, but I don't really give a shit mean it to be . (Confession: I'm not a ginormous Star Wars fan myself.) I am a huge Carrie Fisher fan, though, and it's mainly due to this book.

For any of the aforementioned new fans out there, you may soon find out that Carrie Fisher was a daughter of stars (namely Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher). Postcards from the Edge is a semi-autobiographical story of Carrie's adult relationship with her mother after coming out of a stint in rehab. I read this book when I was just a kid in order to prove to myself that being raised by a dysfunctional mother was A-Okay (or at least nothing a little dope couldn't fix - *ba dum ching*). Carrie Fisher became my hero. Not because she kicked ass in a galaxy far far away, but because somehow she managed to kick it just by being herself. When Hollywood snubbed her for daring to get old and *gasp* fat, she reiterated why I adored her by giving them the middle finger (and eventually reprising the role that made her famous). She will eternally be an icon due to Princess Leia, but I think she should be remembered for being a fucking awesome chick in general.

Read this book - or just watch the movie . . . .

Bad Mommy by Tarryn Fisher

4.5 Stars

“Let’s not call Fig a stalker just yet. You just met her.”
I didn’t ask for a lot this Christmas . . . .



However, since life is unfair I didn’t get any of those things. Instead I got Bad Mommy released on Christmas Day rather than some time in 2017. And for that I say, Tarryn Fisher . . . .



Okay, so THIS is the Tarryn Fisher book I’ve been waiting for. If you follow my reviews, you know I’m a little obsessed with kind of a fan of Ms. Fisher . . . . but at the same time I’ve been a bit disappointed by most of her books. I kept buying them, though, hoping she’d come through with the guilty pleasure-shoveling popcorn in my face story I knew was in her. Bad Mommy was that story.

Meet Fig . . . .

“All of the Lululemon bitches and their coconut water could go to hell.”

I was on board with Fig pretty much from the start . . . . .



She was delightfully fucked up in and totally in denial regarding the fact that . . . .



Especially when it came to the other female lead in our tale . . . .



Oh Jolene . . . .

“She wears things that make the other mothers look, you know? Leather pants, a Nirvana T-shirt underneath a blazer, more bracelets than I’ve ever seen anyone else pile onto their wrist.”

In other words . . . . .



Now, I’ve said a time or two before that Tarryn Fisher has made a habit of writing herself in her stories. Many other authors do this as well, but they generally tend to make my reading experience less enjoyable by doing so. Buuuuuuuuuuut it’s different when Tarryn does it because . . . . .



Anywho, Fig moves next door to Jolene and her husband – for reasons . . . .

“You’re buying a house to be close to a child you think has the soul of your miscarried baby.”

But I’m telling you by the time you get to the end of the book you’ll pretty much have forgotten about that effing kid ‘cause the crazy will take you errrrrrrrrrywhere. You think you’re signing up for a bunch of . . . .



Or a Single White Female rip off, but right when you’re thinking your own quest of finding the perfect gray knee-length cardigan a wedge-heeled booties might be crossing the line to Mean Girl territory . . . .



You start reading about pops of teal and the perfect placement of a “Thug Life” cookbook on Jolene’s countertop that makes you start to question just who is stalking whom . . .


(^^^^Sluttiest chicken ever cooked.)

Totally meta.

Bought with my own money because Santa only left me coal.

He Will Be My Ruin by K.A. Tucker

3.5 Stars

"This man was once my salvation. Now he will be my ruin."
Well, this was quite the delightful little surprise. I put this on my TBR because Tarryn Fisher said to one day on her Facebook page. Do you know Tarryn Fisher????



She recently got engaged which is unfortunate as it deters my plan of marrying her one day – especially when she said she decorates her Christmas tree before Thanksgiving just like me. Soulmates . . . .



But I digress.

As I said, Tarryn Fisher said to read this so I immediately went to the library to request a copy. Even the porny librarian can’t bat 1,000, however, and this selection was not available. I ended up with Ten Tiny Breaths instead and a severe case of underwhelment upon finishing. Then my book bestie came to save the day and gifted me a copy of the thing I actually wanted in the first place. In order to show my gratitude I waited several months before bothering to read it because as a wise man once said “♪♫♪I’m an asshooooooooooo-oooole♪♫♪”. . . .



He Will Be My Ruin is about Maggie, a trust fund baby turned philanthropist who is assigned the task of clearing out her bestie Celine’s apartment after Celine’s apparent suicide. But the more Maggie starts digging around Celine’s belongings, the more secrets she discovers leading her to believe maybe it wasn’t a suicide at all.

So this was a mystery with a lil’ extra summin’ summin’ . . . . .



Obviously it wasn’t believable at all. In fact, Ron 2.0 some might say it was ridiculous, but it worked just fine for me. It read fast, it wasn’t overly written and “purply,” you knew right away you were limited to one of two potential bad guys (and I would have been completely satisfied had the story gone in either direction). Really, aside from a very awkward elevator scene . . . .



(I mean, that part was just S.T.U.P.I.D. Really, what are the chances of anyone other than myself thinking the cure to a claustrophobia induced panic attack in a stuck elevator is with magic penis?????)

Other than that this was definitely a satisfactory contribution to the stabby porn collection. The author should definitely write more stuff like this. Until then I’ll just wait outside Tarryn Fisher’s house impatiently for . . . .