Sugar Free by Sawyer Bennett

2.5 Stars

Look at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



And while I didn’t hate it, Sugar Free did prove the point I beat like a dead horse that a book series always disappoints. This could have easily been wrapped up in one long-ish book (maybe two max), but after the cliffhanger on Sugar Rush there was no way I could skip this final installment . . . .



Well, I could have if it would have cost me any dollars, but luckily the Porny Librarian came through once again to save the day. Porny Librarian you are my favorite superhero! Okay, second favorite. Jean Grey is pretty kick ass . . . .



Aside from lack of content needed to fill the pages, this one really disappointed when it came to the stabby too. When the entire premise of the plot is a woman who was brutally victimized promising to “infiltrate, murder, repeat” until all three of her attackers are gone that’s what I expect to read about. Instead we had the two main characters left with a lot to figure out, but every time they were supposed to sit down and talk about things it ended up with . . . .



Good lord. Seriously? If I wanted this little story I’d watch a video and not even bother sifting through the words.

Things went from bad to worse in the epilogue . . . . .



All that was missing was the farting unicorn. Again, happily-ever-afters have their place in the world, but not necessarily in a book like this. And really let’s be honest. There’s only one perfect relationship I know of so everything else pales in comparison . . . .




ORIGINAL "REVIEW":

The library got this - FINALLY. Hope no one expects much out of me today . . . .

 

It Ain't Me, Babe by Tillie Cole

3.5 Stars

When I first joined Goodreads I was a super prude and never read books of the porny variety for fear that . . . .



But then something happened that changed everything . . . .



And now my only fear is that somehow I’ll forget to unclick that “share on Facebook” button and all my family will see that I’m a disgusting pervert.

It Ain’t Me, Babe is definitely not for everyone. As with most naughty books, you have to be able to leave your reality at the door – and I mean REALLY leave it at the door. This story is about Mae – a woman who had an unconventional upbringing . . . .



Mae runs away from the commune where she was raised on her wedding day. When she is discovered bleeding and half dead behind the Hades Hangmen’s clubhouse, club President Styx recognizes her from a chance meeting through a fence when they were just children. You know what that means, right? Instalove!!! And also a peen like no other that will help Mae forget all about her rapey past . . . .



Like I said, you have to be ready for the full blown motorbike porn experience to the nth degree with this one. But really, all of these stories are totally OTT so there’s not a point of no return that I can think of with regard to what plotline crosses the line to “not okay” territory. I mean hell, let’s start with the bikers. All us horny geezers get a pretty clear image in our head of what we hope to be reading about . . . .



I was raised by a member of a motorcycle club. Not only do they not do stuff like run guns or drugs (rather they do things like Poker Runs for charity and are a "club" in the sense that they hang out in one dude's garage every week/month and drink beers), but trust me when I say NO ONE looked like Jax. A lot of them looked like Bobby Munson, however . . . .



No one cares, though, and seriously . . . .



That’s what keeps me reading these.

At 460+ pages, It Ain’t Me, Babe was a bit long in the tooth, but it did have a fairly awesome storyline about stuff and also . . . .



That kept my interest. It also had something that everyone else hates, but I love – THE LOVE TRIANGLE!!!!



With a twist even! It helped me overlook some of the stuff that squicks me out bigly – like talk about chicks who really know how to “milk” a dude . . . . .



Ewww.

ORIGINAL "REVIEW":

This combines motorbike porn with a story about a religious cult. It's like my holy grail. Dear Family . . .

 

Red-Blooded American Male by Robert Trachtenberg

5 Stars

 

I received an advanced e-copy of this book waaaaaaaaay back in May and fell in love with Trachtenberg’s tongue-in-cheek style. When the opportunity came around for a hard cover, I was ALL. OVER. IT. Sort of like . . . .



I can’t tell you how lucky I am to have received this for free, but I will tell you that I am fairly certain I would have ended up buying this despite my constant state of poor and the $40 price tag. I just needed this in my life. I’ve been trying to show everyone who walks by my desk, but they all pretty much suck and aren’t as impressed as I am since they are all mentally deficient. I mean seriously, how can you not freak out over this?????



My crush on Will Forte (ever since SNL and Jenna’s cross-dressing love interest on 30 Rock days) also got kicked up a notch . . .



Good Christ!



Endless thanks to Crown Publishing for this hard cover edition. I’m sure my children will be completely understanding when I tell them they are no longer allowed anywhere near the coffee table in my reading room.

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

Everyone keeps requesting this book and blaming it on the NPH photo. Since I’m a classy broad I will not be featuring such a smutty picture in my review space. Instead I’ll focus on only super artsy imagery like this . . . .



Also, I have no clue who the following guy is, but I’ll be damned if I’m not seriously interested in reading another motorbike porno like RIGHT. THIS. SECOND. . . . .



All kidding aside, it was Sandra’s review that got this one on my radar and the cover that sealed the deal. I assume that Will Arnett is kind of a total douche in real life since he plays one so well on T.V., but I’m pretty much a douchebag in real life too so I figure we’d probably get along just fine. I do love the fact that dude is willing to do pert near anything for his craft . . .

ME: Will you put on this strapless gown?
ARNETT: Yes.
ME: Will you cry at a window with mascara running down your face?
ARNETT: Yes.
ME: Will you put on these fishnets?
ARNETT: Yes.
ME: Eternally grateful.

Trachtenberg has made an art (literally) out of the lighter side of life. As he says . . .

“You have to be willing to play a little, because it’s cooler, more endearing, and more enduring if you don’t take yourself too seriously.”

The result of a lighter approach to celebrity? Hilarity . . .



And sheer genius . . .


(Trachtenberg approached Saget about this shoot and flat out told him he wanted “a hooker dressed as a giant rabbit passed out next to you in a cheap motel bed. There’s booze, condoms, lube, cash and the pitiful realization of what you’ve just done.” Saget’s response? “Sounds good. Do you need me to bring any of that?” )

I mean, G.E.N.I.U.S. . . .


(If you don’t get why this is brilliant, you should probably go on ahead and defriend me.)

Trachtenberg doesn’t just use his photography to bring the LOLz, however. He also produces some pretty wonderful political commentary. Like a picture of the best gay wedding you could ever imagine being invited to attend . . .



Or an example that maybe the law makers in North Carolina have things right. I mean, really, this poor fella probably isn’t safe if he ever gets told he has to use the ladies room . . .



Have you seen me and my friends on Goodreads? We’re disgusting perverts and would probably be talking about how we wanted to slap it up, flip it and rub it down before the guy could even escape the confines of the public restroom!

Maybe most importantly of all this book demonstrates some true red-blooded American males. Men like Waris Ahluwalia who participated in a 500 km trek across India in order to raise money for elephant protection and who was detained a few months later as a suspected terrorist due to his turban and then became a spokesperson against racial profiling. As Trachtenberg says: “He makes me want to stop playing solitaire on my phone and do something.”



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!

The Hating Game by Sally Thorne

5 Stars

Before I even begin, let me say one thing: SOMEONE BUY THE RIGHTS TO THIS IMMEDIATELY AND MAKE IT INTO A MOVIE! I swear to the good lort above it will be a blockbuster.

The Hating Game is about Lucy and Joshua (bonus points for having actual human names and proving right away this wasn’t going to be some kind of crappy angst-fest). When the publishing houses the two worked for were forced into merger it left not one but two CEOs, neither of which wanted to lose their executive assistant. That means every day arch enemies Lucy and Josh are forced to sit directly across from the other, picking apart every little thing about the other that drives them insane. You know what that means, right?????



So here’s the deal, I’m pretty sure this was a Goodreads “recommended to me” spam suggestion that finally won me over after popping up on my feed for weeks on end. By the time I requested it from the library (and saw Bonnie’s review the very next day), the waiting list was long enough to make me rant about it. (See below for further crybaby details.) My hopes were so high that I was terrified things would go horribly. On Saturday I shoved gently got my children on their way to various sports practices and sat down with a cup of Joe prepared for disappointment. What happened instead was I read the entire thing cover to cover and thanked the tiny 8 lb 6 oz baby Jesus for my alone time because . . . .



At this point I think my husband has been slipping me some kind of happy pill because I have been enjoying nearly everything I’ve read the past month or so. Such is the case with The Hating Game. I loved this one so much I don’t even know what to say about it. This story had me right from the start with leading man Josh being eleventy feet tall compared to Lucy’s five feet nothing. And even though Lucy was described as dark haired, I couldn’t get this image out of my head . . .



Because I already saw that movie once and I loved it.

This entire book was the most adorable thing I’ve maybe ever read. From Lucy and Josh hating each other, to the elevator moment when you find out maybe they don’t, to Lucy’s inability to contain herself and therefore morphs into a crazy almost rapey spidermonkey trying to lure Josh into doing the nasty . . . .

“I was hoping you’d participate more.

“I’d participate. So well, you wouldn’t walk straight the next day.”

“That’s okay, walking is overrated.”

To the two eventually falling in luuuuurrrrrrrv . . . . .

“You sure are good at holding hands.”

“I’m probably not good at a lot of things, but I will try to be.”

This was everything I wanted it to be and more. My poor little heart. It can’t take it!



Ugh. I've been emotionally compromised.

I don’t know what else to say. If you’re someone who occasionally likes to hear about someone who wants to be a man who has been to a concert with a girl in a red dress. Just for a few minutes more . . . .



Or about wanting all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday . . . .



Or maybe just I like you, very much. Just as you are . . . .



Or that a couple should get their happily ever after so they can kiss anytime they want . . . .



This is the book (and hopefully soon to be movie) for you. If you don’t like it??? Well . . . .



Sally Thorne, if you can see this, please know I am in love with your book. This is the best romance I read in 2016 and I can’t wait to see what you come up with next. Normally when I’m gifted something from a book fairy, I pay it forward. Sorry suckas – not this time. I am going to read this overandoverandoverandoverandover again until it falls apart.


ORIGINAL "REVIEW":

Here’s a little story about how one day I was airing out my enormous first world problem of being FORTY-SOMETHINGTH on the library waiting list for this book (completely unacceptable – either people need to stop wanting to read the same things I want to read or the librarian needs to bump me ahead of everyone else) when a certain someone casually stated, “oh I won that on a Goodreads giveaway – I just haven’t ever got around to reading it.” Then I called her foul names and declared her part of the conspiracy theory to keep me from actually reading the stuff on my TBR that I want to read. Fast forward a couple of weeks to the mailroom guy delivering me a little package containing . . . .



I’m sorry I called you names in my fit of jealousy, Shelby. You are the best thing that ever came from me joining this silly site of misfits – even when you don’t send me free stuff : )

Truth or Beard by Penny Reid

4 Stars

Thanks to the new and improved Overdrive when I go to the library website looking for some porn super smart scientific journals that aren’t part of the current catalog I have the option of not only one-clicking a “yes, please buy me that smut because I am poor” button, but I also get to see the available-for-request smut. Hence the reason this first Winston Brothers book ended up on my Kindle. Let’s be honest, it didn’t take much convincing other than the title and cover. After all . . . .



I started reading this when things got real slow at work right before closing time (because classy and also should be employee of the year). At 2% there was a “Piggly Wiggly” reference and I knew I was in it to win it because . . . .



Ouch. Harsh, Regina George. I was going to say because I am a cheap sell and trigger words like “Piggly Wiggly” (or “road trip”) translate instantly to more Starzzzzzzzzz. Anyway, not only was there the talk of the Wiggly of the Piggly, but there was also a case of mistaken identity and our leading lady (who has returned to town to be the local calculus teacher) believing one twin to be her lifelong crush leading to . . . .

“I’d given him a penis stroke under false pretenses.”

The above happened at about the 15% mark, which is where I left off for the night. I’d allow my husband to tell you how much he enjoyed my reading up to that point, but . . . .



I will say he’s lucky he cashed in on his golden ticket early because while I thought this was going to be nothing but nonstop banging, things took a turn and . . . .



Turns out our leading male was of the sensitive variety and was looking for a happily ever after rather than just a quick trip to Pound Town. But that was okay, because this story was freaking adorable. First there was a bit of the love/hate stuff . . . .

“I hope you wander into a hornet’s nest and die of an acetylcholine overdose,” I spat.

“You say the prettiest things.”

Then there was Jessica’s internal voice which was hilarious and also featured a running soundtrack consisting of things like Paula Abdul’s “Rush Rush.” Remember that song? Man, Keanu Reeves. I probably humped the ol’ pilla a time or twelve thinking about that video . . . .



Where was I? Oh yeah, this book I read. Then there was Duane, the perfect male lead . . .

“My momma once told me, you don’t need to be pushed in order to fall. I don’t think you’ll need to do much pushing, Jessica.”

I’ll admit I was a bit worried because he was a ginger and I’m a one man kind of woman when it comes to those . . . .



Yes really. (WAVES TO PRINCE HARRY!!!!) But really when it comes down to it, in a book like this it’s about one main thing . . . .



Preferably 9 or 10.

There was also a little sideplot featuring a motorcycle gang and a blackmail scheme to make you feel like you’re reading something a little better than Alexa Riley pure pornography.

I put myself on the wait list immediately for the other Winston Brothers book the library already had – and then found out it’s #3 instead of #2 . . . .



GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, PORNY LIBRARIAN! And also Penny Reid – we all fucking want Billy’s story. By the time Book 6 rolls around I’ll be over this series and all of its will they or won’t they and too many pages for not enough story and definitely not enough smushsmush and I’ll be ready to murder the entire Winston family. GIVE US BILLY NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!