The Turtle Boy by Kealan Patrick Burke

3.5 Stars

 

Timmy and Pete are out of school and already dealing with the doldrums of summer. While putzing around trying to figure out what could be their next adventure, they head to the local pond . . . a place that has always been benign (if not downright boring) in the past. When they discover a young stranger “feeding the turtles” everything changes. Timmy and Pete are no longer allowed to play near the pond, or to hang out together at all. As the mystery of why the sudden change in attitude unravels, buried secrets from long ago come to the surface of Myers Pond . . .



Obviously I can’t say much about this one without spoiling the whole shebang (especially since it’s so short). What I can say is that I’m torn on how to rate/review it. On the one hand, I reeeaaaally dig coming of age tales and found Burke’s writing to be quality stuff, but I’m stumped at why this is a series. Although the ending can be considered a “cliffhanger,” the answer of the why and how and the who and the what are all clearly laid out through the story so the reader just has to take a second to piece the puzzle together. I’m not a fan of books in a series in general and I really can’t wrap my brain around why this would continue. Does book two answer the cliffhanger from book one? If so, that’s a completely unnecessary read. Is book two a totally different story that just has Timmy Quinn as a repeat character? Maybe . . . but I’m not interested enough to go find out (I'm telling you I HATE books in a series).

If you’re like me and decide to treat this as a standalone – know the “horror” isn’t really horror, but is actually a mystery/thriller and enjoy.

The Sweet Spot by Stephanie Evanovich

1 Star

 

Ai yai yai – where do I even begin?

Let’s begin with the fact that my local library is like a drug pusher offering free samples to a heroin addict. Not only do they have a bazillion books on the shelves and a “share” policy with tons of other libraries in the ‘burbs, but they also promote a “new and notable” section which is a first come/first served basis on all the hot new hits . . . and I can’t stop myself from checking something out from this area anytime I walk down thinking I’m simply going to grab whatever items I have on hold.

I grabbed The Sweet Spot as I had read Big Girl Panties and enjoyed the escape to a giant pile of fluff that one gave me. Also, I now reside with a huge diva who cannot understand why Mitchell gets all the praise around here. Sooooo, long story short, I dove into what I would normally call a “summertime” read on a cold and rainy day. Needless to say I was a bit dubious about how much I would enjoy this one . . .


(Clearly Vixen was excited enough for the both of us)

I came across my first problem immediately. The title and the cover. I’m not one for reading a synopsis generally and if I’ve read/enjoyed an author previously I’ll give them another shot without even bothering to take a glance. I thought the title might actually be a play on words and the story would focus on a cupcake boutique owner or some such. I figured Evanovich would once again feature a full-sized main character (and I was right, I’m so smart), but I was wrong about the “sweet spot” referring to baked goods – it actually referred to spanking of the badonka-donk . . . by a Major League baseball player . . . Hmmmm, my interest level raised a bit.

But I have to address that cover. It’s horrible.

Okay, back to the book. Chase is a MLB hotshot who meets restaurant owner Amanda and is immediately smitten . . . even more so when she is able to resist his animal magnetism. He spends time trying to woo her and eventually she caves in – all the time wondering what kind of skeleton is waiting to fall out of his closet.

I was kinda digging the light and fluffy cat and mouse game between Chase and Amanda – and having the MC be a baseball player during non-stop postseason baseball games being broadcasted in my family room was just too much of a co-inky-dink. I must confess that even though Chase is clearly described as a first baseman – my first baseman isn’t one the ladies probably fantasize about dropping their panties over.


(FYI - that what speed do)

Instead my brain instantly went to this blonde beauty. . .



But then we found out the skeleton in Chase’s closet is a giant hand that likes to smack girls on the ass when they are “naughty” – without even bothering having a discussion with them that he has a bit of a proclivity for the ol’ slap and tickle. Ummmmm, methinks that would be called domestic violence. And of course rather than telling this d-bag to go fly a kite, Amanda sits and pines over how to justify being “disciplined” for things like using foul language (because “that’s not how a lady should act,” dontcha know).


^expletives deleted

I realize that the dom/sub thing is all the rage and horny housewives across America have spent gazillions of dollars on books containing this subject matter, but promoting a clearly ABUSIVE situation where the woman has no say, no safe word, is told she can never question what the man believes is right/wrong combined with a main character who continually confesses all of her own insecurities and clearly should never be in a relationship that makes her feel even less self-worth is just not cool. Stephanie Evanovich – stick to vanilla lovemaking ‘cause this is NOT your forté.

Sunblind by Michael McBride

3 Stars

 

Full Disclosure: Me not enjoying this book is my own damn fault. I didn’t bother reading the synopsis and had no idea what this was going to be about. All I knew is Shelby gave it 5 Stars and since she’s super mean (no, not really) and stingy with her ratings (yes, really) like me, I assumed I would find it to be great as well. Wellllll, you know what they say about people who ASS-ume.

It turns out I should’ve read the synopsis. I thought Sunblind was going to be a straight up tale about how the desert will freaking KILL a person (or persons) trying to cross the border illegally – and kill them in a seriously ugly fashion – before they even have to deal with Border Patrol. Turns out I should have been prepared to read a scuuuuury story. While there is no doubt the desert was a major villain, there is a mystery surrounding what it is that keeps appearing at night in order to claim its victims. What could it be???


El Chupacabra?


Zombies??


a Predator and/or an Alien???

or could it be the most terrifying killer of all . . .



the SPARKLY VAMPIRE?!?!?!?!?!?

You’ll have to read the book to find out.

I’m giving this 3 Stars, which is still pretty dang good coming from me. The writing was solid and the description of the desert almost made the pain and thirst of the undocumented palpable. My only complaint (besides the fact that I’m too stupid to know what the book I’m reading at any given moment is about) is that I felt it was a bit too long and the story dragged in places and would have been more effective had it been given zero lag time.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Day 21 by Kass Morgan

2.5 Stars

 

Here we are with round #2 of The 100. I still haven’t watched any of the television series, but I did discover that I will indeed sell myself out and read the next book in a series if I’m offered the chance to do so for free. I’m such a cheap date : (

The world building from Book 1 is complete (and by complete I mean the “new world” is getting close to being on the dunzo list) and our pilgrims are settling in to life in the Hills of Virginny. Most importantly, though, people are making out.



Like seriously making out.



You’d think with only 100 original colonists there would be a problem of finding so much strange to lock lips with, but these kids are proving there’s always someone kissable. Especially in a crisis. Missing sister? You should probably make out with someone.



Friend just took an arrow through the throat? You know what would help ease your pain? A solid make-out session.



You betrayed your bestie/boyfriend/family/whoever before you came to Earth? Who cares! You know what the world needs? More kissing!!!!



You might all be dying of radiation poisoning? I know what’ll cure that!



What else should I have expected when it was revealed the “theme” song for the past bazillion centuries has been Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven is a Place on Earth?

“When you walk into the room
You pull me close and we start to move
And we're spinnin' with the stars above
And you lift me up in a wave of love
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth”

I mean, this is so bad it’s somehow good.

Now, to the credit of the writers, tv producers, and whoever else is responsible for this series – I get that I’m not your target demographic. And while I don’t think I’ll ever end up getting on the old Hulu or Netflix in order to find previous episodes, I can see how the show could be super popular and I'll admit that the books do have a lot of action (and not just of the tongue variety). I assume this pony will be ridden long past its demise and the books will continue to be churned out at an inhuman pace (much like with The Vampire Diaries). To quote a television show I do watch religiously:



“Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro in “Butte Fockers”! *sighs* Yeah, that’s right. “Butte Fockers”. As long as you keep paying to watch we’ll keep farting ‘em out."

So go ‘head Kass Morgan, go ‘head get down. Heck, I might even keep reading – and I can guar-an-tee I’d be tuning in to watch the show if your “100” looked a little something more like this:



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Bloodeye by Craig Saunders

2 Stars



I requested this because my new-found horror guru Edward really dug it. Since he’s a writer and I’m an idiot, I’m going to go ahead and assume he saw something in this story that my pea-sized-brain was unable to comprehend.

Bloodeye is the story of Keane – a man who stumbles upon a corpse while on a plumbing job. While I’m sure plumbers discover dead bodies more than I’d like to imagine, I doubt any have discovered one like this – nailed to the wall like a crucifixion, with her eyes ripped out and a third eye engraved into her forehead. Unfortunately for Keane, he has come across a scene like this before – back in a life he’s trying desperately to forget.

The main problem I had with Bloodeye is I immediately knew what was happening/what had happened in the past/what was going to happen in the future. It being October, I was looking for a horror story, but the predictability of this one didn’t allow that to happen and, unfortunately, I didn’t feel the writing was strong enough to compensate for what the plot was lacking.

If you’re looking for something that will scare the bejeesus out of you, I recommend skipping Bloodeye and watching all of the clown scenes from American Horror Story: Freak Show  instead.



That mother^*%#@r had me so freaked out I ‘bout peed the bed.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!

A Good Marriage by Stephen King

4 Stars

 

How well do you know your spouse? Sure, you think you know all the little nuances about them – and I’m positive you know the things about them that annoy you – but can you ever really know everything about another person?

After 27 years of marriage, Darcy was sure she knew everything about Bob . . . until one night when she went out to the garage and stubbed her toe on a box that wasn’t where it was supposed to be . . .

“One lousy little step in the wrong direction, and [she] was falling.”

What would you do if you discovered your “good marriage” wasn’t what it appeared to be and, in fact, you were really married to a monster?



Living in the area of the “BTK Killer” (which was the inspiration for this story), my creep-o-meter was running full tilt the entire time I was reading. King touched on many of Rader’s nuances and made me someone I’ve thought of as pure animal for the past 18 years I’ve lived in this area as a human again. As my Goodreads buddy Gary said, it’s not the story so much as the way he tells it." That statement is spot on. This isn’t a horror story or a thriller or a mystery – A Good Marriage is pure suspense. The majority of the story takes place in Darcy’s own head and King makes you feel all of the anxiety and denial and terror and nausea, etc. that Darcy is feeling.

This could have received all 5-Stars from me, were it not for the last 10 pages or so. While they didn’t do anything to really lessen my enjoyment – they weren’t really necessary and didn’t add anything to the story either. However, A Good Marriage is a super short read (with or without those “extra” pages), so if you’re looking for something that might raise your heartbeat, but not totally freak you out this Halloween season, this is a good choice.

As with every book, I’m sure this one is not for everyone. If you don’t like this one, I think you should take it up directly with Stephen King. His responses are awesome . . .



Sidenote: I have a history of being either underwhelmed or full-on pissed off upon viewing many of King’s movie adaptations, but this one may be an exception to the rule (like with Stand By Me, The Shawshank Redemption, Misery, and a handful of others).

Beautiful You by Chuck Palahniuk

2 Stars

 

Oh Chuck . . . I have a disappoint : (



I’ll admit that I requested Beautiful You before ever even glancing at the synopsis. That’s how positive I was I would enjoy it. I’m a loyal fan and am prepared for whatever Palahniuk wants to throw at me. Even if those items are sex toys. The premise of this book actually sounded pretty promising – a middle-aged genius (C. Linus Maxwell – a/k/a “Climax-Well”), known for having some serious voodoo when it comes to the punany, has worked his way through models and actresses and has now set his sights on one special lady.

Sound familiar????


What that lady (Penny) doesn’t realize, is that she is being used as guinea pig in order to test Maxwell’s latest money-maker – a line of sex toys that will be mass-marketed under the name “Beautiful You.”

Once these new products hit the shelves, women find themselves unable to resist the temptation of endless pleasure, men find themselves obsolete and Maxwell has his sights set on world domination. Can Penny stop this madness before it’s too late????

Beautiful You started out like typical Palahniuk fare – pushing the limits of what is “okay” for the average person to read about with his trademark brand of dark humor and featuring a plotline I should find offensive, but somehow didn’t (the only explanation for this is “because it’s Chuck - of course he’s going to try and offend me”). Unfortunately, Chuck got so wrapped up in the science and grotesquery of sex that all I ended up being was bored.



Luckily this was a short read – and I’d read enough Palahniuk in the past to keep chasing the dangling carrot that is his signature twist ending – but the experience as a whole was “meh.” Have no fears, though, I’ll jump right to the front of the line for his next book and cross my fingers that it is better.

(Sidenote: If I could only rate the cover, it would get 1,000 Stars)

ARC provided by the publisher through Edelweiss in exchange for an honest review