The Wonder by Emma Donaghue

3.5 Stars

“Good nurses follow the rules, but the best know when to break them.”

In a small Irish village, a modern day miracle is occurring . . .



Unfortunately, not one quite as impressive as Cheeto Jesus, but still something worth talking about. According to her family and all casual observers young Anna O’Donnell has not had even a bite to eat for the past four months. Lib Wright has taken on an assignment as Anna’s nurse, but upon her arrival she finds her job requirements quite unusual . . .

“Your only duty will be to watch her.”

In order to prove to the world that the Lord is truly working through young Anna, Lib (as well as a nun) will take round-the-clock shifts observing Anna’s every move in order to declare, without question, the child does not eat.

And that’s all you get. If you have read this (or don’t plan on ever reading it) and would like to talk some spoilsies I will gladly partake in the comment section below (as long as you do it under the appropriate spoiler tags) and explain how my idea of what was going down was kind of on the right track, but ended up being on a different train.

Having now read both Room as well as The Wonder I can officially say this about Emma Donoghue . . .



3.5 Stars rounded down because, although there is a solid redemption arc, Lib was pretty insufferable for a good chunk of the book. And yes, I realize this was done on purpose, but I still don’t enjoy reading the goings on in the mind of some chick I’d like to punch in the throat. Also, I’m well aware it rains in Ireland so I could have been spared the billionth description, because been there done that . . . .



Finally, I didn’t need to hear details regarding all the bland and boring meals Lib partook in each day. Snore. Aside from the oversharing that could have easily been left on the editing room floor, The Wonder gets kudos for being different from nearly anything it will end up shelved next to and for providing a blast from the past which played on a loop while reading . . . .

“They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation”

The Weight Of This World by David Joy

4 Stars

“If there was a God, He wasn’t worth a damn. The devil wins out every time.”
Despite having a reader copy of this for months and despite the glowing review of a certain throne sitter, I never bothered taking a gander The Weight Of This World until the day before publication. When I started it during my lunch hour the other day I was hooked right from page one (in the immortal words of one Ron Burgundy, “boy, that escalated quickly!”) and knew when I arrived home that evening I’d be greeting my family in a not-so-motherly way . . . .



Turns out that wasn’t necessary, because they were already out doing basebally things and wouldn’t be home for a bit. It also turns out I wasn’t quite equipped to read all this misery in one go because rather than it feeling like ripping a Band Aid, these characters were experiencing something more like . . . .



Aiden and Thad had been like brothers ever since Aiden’s daddy blew his momma’s brains out in front of him in the living room one day, immediately followed by making quick work of offing himself as well. Thad wasn’t really living a dream life himself, seeing that his stepdaddy wasn’t too fond of having his (literal) red-headed stepchild under foot, so he’d been sent down to live in the trailer at the bottom of their property by himself.

If you’re interested in reading the types of suggestions Mitchell makes for book club, this one checks all the boxes. Like reading any trigger you could imagine? Enjoy hearing about all the awesomeness that comes with snorting crank and staying up for days on end? Do you love hearing about not one, but several characters blowing their heads off? A book where you know right away nothing could possibly end well? Then this is definitely the winner since it has all that and more that I won’t spoil for you . . . .



This is a story that will teach you . . . .

“The line between good and evil was fine as frog hair.”

And that . . . .



Mitchell says y’all should give it a go. He also said . . . .



But I’m pretty sure that was directed only at me.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

And in honor of Ron 2.0 (who might actually find this one not so ridiculous even though these fellers were getting around in a Ranchero), here’s the song that played on a loop in my head while I was reading this one . . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGOBQ...

The Roanoke Girls by Amy Engel

5 Stars

TODAAAAAAAAY (3/7) IS RELEASE DAY.
“You know your family’s fucked up, right?” he asked. “Like, seriously screwed.”

If you want to sit at the lunch table with Mitchell and me you probably need to buy this. (Also, we wear pink on Wednesdays.) I’ve only read about 40 books so far this year, so declaring this to be “My Favorite Read of 2017” is a bit lackluster at this point. I will say that I bet any of you a dollar it ends up as at least a Top 5 by January 31, if that helps prove my point. I’ve also been forcing this on everyone I know – even though it wasn’t even available for them to buy/check out from the library. I mean, I’ve been telling anyone who would listen, and if no one was around to hear me???? Easy peezy lemon squeezy . . . .



Here’s the part where I tell you I “can’t really tell you much” because spoilers and blah blah and getting there is all the fun, and although that is so cliché it’s totally true . . . .

“Let me tell you a story. It starts out nice, but it ends . . . badly.”



The story here is about Lane, who goes to live with her never-before-met grandparents after her mother commits suicide. Over the course of a summer she becomes almost a sister to her cousin Allegra who also lives at the Roanoke estate and finds out the history of all of the beautiful Roanoke girls who came before her. Fast forward to the present where Lane is summoned back to the family home in order to track down a missing Allegra.

I notice The Roanoke Girls is being shelved/marketed as a “mystery,” but if you’re a frequent mystery reader you’ll know the outcome pretty much before things even get started. You’ll also most likely pick up on the trail of breadcrumbs that is left almost from the start, but if you’re anything like Mitchell or myself it won’t deplete your reading experience in the least . . . .

“The first time I saw Roanoke was in a dream.”

“Did you wake up screaming?”

“Huh?”

“Was it a nightmare?”

“No.”

“Then it was nothing like that.”

^^^^ That was on page one and right there I was like . . . .



Or book. You get the idea. Also, if your tastes run fairly vanilla when it comes to “mysterious chick litty” types of read you might end up wishing you had some heroin after you finish this one.

EVERY. SINGLE. STAR. I’ll even go steal some from other books if I have to. Shitty books like The Shack.

I thought I couldn’t get any more excited, but then this happened . . . .



And Crown Publishing wasn’t even aware that I was going to be creaming my jeans about this one before they sent it to me! Apologies for the worst hair day in the history of the world, but we legit had effing tornados last night and curly hair sho ‘nuff don’t care today. Also, I’ve been working on a janky ass broken phone with no selfie camera for about eternity and I’m super excited to annoy all of you with my old mug : )

In case you couldn’t figure it out from the swoony awkwardness above, an advanced copy was provided to me by Crown Publishing in exchange for an honest review. And now it’s . . . .

Walk Through Fire by Kristen Ashley

3 Stars

I am forced to pull out the big guns when it comes to a glaring issue with Walk Through Fire. Sir Patrick Stewart, please take it from here . . . . .



Seriously. This is a porno. What the actual eff is someone who only wants to get their sploosh on supposed to do with all these hundreds of extra pages???? Because really, almost everything was okay about the story and aside from one really idiotic subplot (which I’ll get to – eventually) the main issue was that it never ended.

The story here is about Millie, a woman who lived the dream for three years with the love of her life, Logan . . . .


(^^^^Horrible timing for this name to come up because obviously my brain is going to go there.)

And then left him because of reasons (<<< no spoilers, but you will probably see it coming like 100 pages before it is told to you). Fastforward to the present where Millie and Logan are both in their 40s when Millie hears a familiar voice – IN A CHIPOTLE. Being a morbidly obese woman, this was pretty much a “you had me at hello” type of moment because . . . .



I know a lot of people talk about the gastrointestinal issues they experience after dining at one of these fine establishments, but my only problem tends to be . . . .



And if you follow my reviews you know almost everything makes me nearly shit my pants. I love Chipotle so much I want to marry it. My one complaint????



I still want it. My kids don’t need to go to college anyway.

Alright, so Millie hears Logan’s voice at the best fast food restaurant in the history of the universe and hightails it out of there pronto. She soon discovers she can’t escape all the feely feels their near encounter brought back and decides to track him down in order to explain what happened so many years ago. Things don’t go as planned, however, and instead we get a WHOOOOOOOLE LOTTA hate sex – and find out Millie hasn’t saddled up since back in the day so it’s probably all . . . .



Eventually the truth about why the break up occurred comes out and Kristen Ashley proves once again she is pretty damn good when it comes to the angsty dialogue . . . .

“I’m done walking through fire for you, High!” I yelled. “I’m done not because I’m done but because there’s nothing left of me to burn. You have it all! You’ve always had it all! I gave up everything so you could have it all. Please! God! Leave me to my nothing!” I swung an arm out to their table. “And if you gave one single shit about me, ever, make them let me have my nothing!”

Once the cat is out of the bag, we can get on with fixing what got broke so long ago. But not without hearing alllllllll about Millie’s “tingling thighs.” Fair warning, if you take a drink every time Millie mentions those things you will find yourself quickly going from . . . .



To . . . .



Millie also appears to maybe need to do a lot more kegle exercises, but Val covers all of that in her review so I won’t beat that dead horse here.

What I will talk about is the aforementioned subplot of the Mexican drug cartel bad hombres led by some dude named Venezuala or Benecio del Toro or some shit I can remember because . . . .



All that shit did was wilt my lady garden to the point where my husband had zero chance of getting his freak on. 3 Stars because 600 PAGES?!?!?!?!?! Unforgiveable.

The Circle by Dave Eggers

1 Star

“ALL THAT HAPPENS MUST BE KNOWN.”
Here’s a dramatic reenactment of me while reading this book:



In case you can’t tell what that little child of the corn is saying, it’s something along the lines of “WTF?!?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! I’VE BEEN READING THIS CRAP FOR THREE DAYS AND I’M ONLY AT 74%?!?!?!?!?!” The Circle has been making its way on and off my to-read list ever since it was released. Most recently, a combination of Snotchocheez’s review, the never ending “Read to Reel” library challenge, and a chance encounter where I discovered who would be playing the main character . . . .



Managed to finally wear me down and this went back on the stack. I should have trusted my gut instinct and shown no mercy because that’s exactly what this book ended up doing to me.

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. If you hate all the same things I do . . . .



But first, let me take a minute and give you a super brief synopsis. The story here is about Mae, a recent college graduate in debt up to her eyeballs who lands an entry level position at the company of her dreams – The Circle. Hired as a “CE” representative (which is basically the poor schmuck who answers everyone’s bitching and moaning via the intertubes) Mae quickly becomes quite the golden child and works her way up the corporate ladder PartiRank.

Alright, now let’s spew some hate. (For those of you who think I function with limited capacity, you’re right. But also please note I am not missing the irony of me bitching about this millennial’s obsession with all things social media whilst posting to a social media site.)

Mae will go down in history as one of my most hated characters of all time. If you follow me at all, you are well aware that I adore the “character you love to hate.” Unfortunately for Mae, she’s not one of those. There was zero love lost between the two of us. It was pure hate due to a combination of her being completely vapid and stupid as shit to boot. For lack of a better term, Mae goes to work for a straight up cult. Although she does well at her assigned job, she quickly discovers “good” employees will pretty much dedicate their entire lives to The Circle. With the convenience on clothing, grocery, etc. stores right on campus and plenty of clubs and after-hours social activities, there’s almost no need to leave. Right then is where this should happen . . .



But of course it doesn’t because there would be no story if it did. Instead Mae takes several big gulps of The Circle Kool-Aid and proceeds to get horny with real winners like a dude who has a premature ejaculation problems and another whose last name she can’t even manage to catch, but who she does manage to get busy in a Burger King bathroom with . . .



Just in case Mae being an effing idiot wasn’t enough, readers get the added bonus of her attempt to be the Number 1 Reviewer On Goodreads break into the Top 2000 most popular users on the intertubes via her constant “zinging” of all the things and expertise at distributing smiles, frowns and mehs. Much like other websites which shall remain nameless, I could almost smell Mae’s desperation through the screen.

To be fair, there were a handful of items that were either entertaining or rang fairly true in such a supposedly far-fetched tale. The shout outs to “Going Clear” gave me a chuckle and I’m sure pleased a couple of other gentlemen almost as much . . .



The creepiness which is providing a website a sample of your DNA to track your heritage was just as effed up as the commercials that interrupt my monthly Housewhores of Beverly Hills binge-watches . . . .



And the idea of transparency within our government could have possibly eliminated a lot of conspiracy theories and chatter about a certain someone . . . .



That might have saved ‘Murica from the complete and total nightmare which we are currently facing . . . .



I debated all last night about awarding this 2 Stars rather than one, but at the end of the day I spent three days of my life on this turd that I will never get back and to sum things up with my trademark blend of class, if this book was a dude I’d punch it right in the balls so 1 Star is all it gets.

Book number maybe I should have quit while I was ahead of my local library’s Winter Reading Challenge.

The Cat In The Hat by Dr. Seuss

1 Star

In honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday I post an annual review of one of his works. Normally they fart sunshine and rainbows, but today we're going to spend a minute with the book that makes me want to . . . .



I know this is a classic and it's Seuss and no one is supposed to blaspheme when it comes to his good name, but come on. Two kids who are stupid enough to let a creepy effing CAT in their house only to nearly demolish the place obviously are not mature enough to be left home alone on a rainy day. I know, I know, it's just a "cute" story, but sometimes you gotta call out the ridiculous. Right, Ron????

Anyfarts, happy Read Across America Day! Read this to your kids. They'll love it.

 

Batdad: A Parody by Blake Wilson

1 Star

WARNING: If you’re sitting at your ‘puter or phone crossing your fingers for an epic tantrum to go along with this solo Star allow me to apologize in advance for disappointing you. I had a feeling this wouldn’t end well, which is why I’ve held off on taking a gander at it for so long. Now that I have?????



Batdad: A Parody is the latest victim of the money grab which is blog (or vlog, as the case may be) to book fails. In case you aren’t familiar I’d really like to come visit your cave sometime and also, allow me to introduce you to Batdad . . .



He makes funny videos with his kids/wife/dogs/father/brother/etc. wearing a Batman mask. It’s quite possibly the best time suck in the history of creation and I can easily find myself losing 30 minutes any time I’m having a shit day watching them. Unfortunately, the magic doesn’t translate from video to book. At all. Well, except for this . . . .





That’s funny every single time - but then again it might be because I can’t stop myself from reading the commentary from all the pearl clutchers.

Bottom line, unless it’s by doing something illegal, I don’t generally give a shit how people make their money and if you’re a follower of Batdad you know dude was probably grinding just like the rest of us schmucks in order to provide such a nice home for his family. Hell, even if you are making your money pulling a Walter White or whatnot, just don’t let me know about it (because been there – done that – glad that guy’s house got foreclosed on). Anywho, for those of you who are dense and haven’t picked up what I’m dropping yet, if I was in the same position as Batdad I’d take this book deal too. He probably even knew it would suck, but it’s all ‘bout those Benjamins sometimes and four children require A LOT of Benjamins.

Speaking of Benjamin – if you haven’t had the Batdad experience, I highly recommend the videos starring little Ben. Only dude in a house full of tiny vaginas. His life is going to suck in the next few years when they all get their periods.