Ponies by Kij Johnson

4 Stars

 

“Why are you here? You’re not OneOfUs. You don’t have a pony.”

Our story begins a little something like this . . .



Okay, maybe not - but sorta. TopGirl is having a pony party and she has invited Tina and to come. Barbara LOVES playing ponies and her pony is just as excited to be invited to go play with TheOtherGirls' ponies. Barbara and her pony know what is expected in order to attend . . .



But realize it's well worth it in order to be friends with all of TheOtherGirls and are sure it's going to be a magical fun time . . .



And it is!!!!



Well, for a little while.



Ponies has the "trainwreck" factor which means EVERYONE has read or is planning on reading it. At 10 pages and me with 15 minutes to kill it was the perfect choice. I'd normally give something like this 3 Stars due to my own issues with not enjoying the super short shorts, but I dreamed about ponies last night *shudder* so it gets 4. Thanks Shelby for providing me with nightmares my brain never could have conjured up on its own.

Want to attend this twisted little party too? You can find your RSVP card here: http://www.tor.com/2010/11/17/ponies/

 

Dumplin' by Julie Murphy

4 Stars

 

Most of my friends gave this one a “meh” rating, but I FREAKING LOOOOOOOOVED it . . .



They obviously all read it wrong (j/k). They also might have actually ponied up some dollars for it, but it was gifted to me by a wee tipsy witch on Festivus Eve.

Meet Willowdean Dickson . . .

“That’s me. I’m fat. It’s not a cuss word. It’s not an insult. At least it’s not when I say it. So I always figure why not get it out of the way?”

Remind you of anyone?????



Yep. Me too. It didn’t take long, however, to realize that Willowdean’s sassy persona was merely a front and that she was your average, insecure, teenaged girl. And I loved her. In a world of YA where the characters’ voices sound older than a geezer like me it was refreshing to read someone so realistic.

So what was Willowdean’s story about? Well, pull up a chair and let me fangirl tell you. Willowdean (or Dumplin’ as her momma calls her) is a plus-sized 16 year old who lives waaaaaay down South in Texas with her momma, a former beauty queen and current organizer of her small town’s annual local pageant . . .



When not attending school or hanging with her bestie Ellen, Will works part-time at the local Harpy’s – which my brain WOULD. NOT. STOP. calling “Hardee’s” and I’ve been craving a monster thickburger ever since . . .


(You’re welcome, fellas)

Anywho. Needless to say, Willowdean’s day-to-day is not one filled with thrills and chills. That is until her new co-worker “Private School Bo” takes an interest in her . . .

“My first kiss, which took place behind a Harpy’s Burgers & Dogs and next to a dumpster full of day-old trash. Yes, it was perfect.”

It was perfect until Will realizes that Bo will be switching schools and apparently their summer romance wasn’t quite what she thought it was . . . .


(*insert sad face*)

And that’s when Willowdean decides enough is enough and it’s high time people get treated like people no matter what their size. How is she going to bridge the gap between fat and thin? Why, by entering the Miss Clover City beauty pageant, of course. But she can’t do it on her own . . .



This book may not have been perfect, but I gobbled it right up anyway. My only real complaint? The romance. I realize that the heart wants what it wants (thank you, Selena Gomez), but does it always have to be this guy????


(*cough douche cough*)

Why can’t it be this guy every once in awhile????



Realistically, if I were a teenager again I’d probably be shallow and go for the hot one too so I can’t get too angry. Especially if he said stuff like this . . .

“Willowdean Opal Dickson, you are beautiful. Fuck anyone who’s ever made you feel anything less.”

Plus, when complete and total A.W.E.S.O.M.E. is also contained within the pages . . .



Nearly anything can be forgiven. It’s time every girl realizes . . .

“There’s a beauty queen in that cute, little fat girl.”

“No,” I say. “That cute little fat girl IS a beauty queen.”

And then when you grow up? You can REALLY be brave . . .

https://vimeo.com/125347592



My friend Anna liked this one even more than I did and wrote up a great review. Go check it out.

Nerve by Jeanne Ryan

2.5 Stars

 

First things first:

“For fans of The Hunger Games”



Uh. No. More like for fans of . . . .



Nerve is an online game where participants are challenged to dares that become increasingly difficult the further the contestants make it. Vee decides she’s had enough of being the girl behind the curtains and decides to submit an online video entry to Nerve. The dare she chooses? To go to a coffee shop and dump a bottle of water over her head while shouting “cold water makes me hot.” What Vee forgot to calculate for was the white shirt she was wearing which resulted in her video becoming an immediate fan fave . . .



Vee was planning on her Nerve experience being a one and done right-of-passage type thing, but when Nerve offers her a chance to win some fabulous prizes it’s an offer too good to refuse . . .



Bitches do love them some shoes.

The more dares she completes, the better the prizes. Just how far will Vee go to make her dreams come true . . . .



And will she be able to stop playing before it becomes deadly?

This wasn’t too bad. I mean it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t a carbon copy of the trillion other YA books out there and presented something fresh. Well, almost fresh. There was still this little issue to contend with . . .



Yeah, because when I just met some dude and got paired up to do dares like “pretend you’re a prostitute” in a bad neighborhood I am ONLY going to be thinking how I’d like to cram my tongue down that rando’s throat. That’s probably just me. Anyway, definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever read and has the possibility of making a decent transition to the big screen . . .



Kay is my only friend who has read this and she had about the same reaction as me, but read her review and spread the love . . . or “likes” – tomato/tomahto.

Troublemaker by Leah Remini

4 Stars

 

Oh Leah. Leah, Leah, Leah . . .



While this book had my curiosity peaked upon release (I mean who DOESN’T want to know about the Cult of Personality Scientology at this point, right?) I didn’t have plans on reading it. Why, you may ask? Mainly because I had almost convinced myself the story would be nothing but bullshit before even reading the blurb. Leah Remini’s run on a successful television program had come to an end and I thought she was looking for some more dollahs to make her hollah. I also spent the entire run of The King of Queens being told that my husband and myself “are EXACTLY like Carrie and Doug!” WTF? I never watched the show so I finally tuned in after hearing that for the umpteenth time. And guess what? Carrie’s kind of a bitch . . .



STFU Ron 2.0 peanut gallery. Also, what kind of freaks spend their time talking to others about me and my husband???? Not only does that sound like a wicked snoozer of a conversation, but picture this . . .



Only we’re both fat. Ew. And finally, I’m not like Carrie at all ------ but I am pretty much Molly . . .



Anywho, now that THAT backstory is out of the way. I finally gave in to reading this after it was gifted to me. (I’ll give you three guesses to figure out from who.) Of course since both me AND my book fairy are computer illiterate I couldn’t get the damn thing to download and had to end up waiting for a library copy. It really is the thought that counts with me because I’m too stupid to even use gifts that people send me.

So what did I find upon reading this book? Well, to begin with I’m a lot more like Leah Remini than I thought. Right out of the jump she owns that she can be an asshole and that she isn’t one to play the role of shrinking violet. Her whole life her mouth has earned her the label of “troublemaker” and she doesn’t shy away from it . . .

“I hate when people say, ‘Enjoy it,’ when you’re complaining about something. I am enjoying it. But I also enjoy complaining about it. It’s one of my favorite pastimes.”

Okay, maybe I’m EXACTLY like Leah Remini.

I also learned she was pretty much born and bred into Scientology. She wasn’t someone (*cough Will Smith cough*) who joined because “all the cool kids were doing it.” Nope, she joined as a child because her mother signed them up and spent DECADES drinking the special Xenu-mix Kool-Aid flavor. This book really did tell the ins and outs of her experiences with Scientology. From Sea Org to “being on course” to “audits” to . . . .



Because really at the end of the day NO ONE can “Go Clear” without spending a poopton of cash.

Knowing that Tom Cruise has been sue happy in the past and assuming Remini and Cruise didn’t really run in the same circles, I figured Troublemaker would go into ZERO detail about the infamous couch jumper. Imagine my surprise when Leah totally dished about all of her encounters with the tiny weirdo. What kind of things?????



If you’re a fan of celebrity bios this is one of the best I’ve read. Obviously the Scientology portions are the “hook” to get people to buy this one, but I was surprised by how much I liked all of the NON-Scientology bits. Remini sums it up best . . . .

“My problem with Scientology – despite its claims to the contrary, the practice doesn’t help you better the world or even yourself; it only helps you be a better Scientologist.”

Obviously Shelby gave me this book, but Sandra and Jennifer really liked it/wrote great reviews too. Go check them out, spread the love, and maybe even make some new friends : )

The Mother Road by Meghan Quinn

4 Stars

 

OH MY GOD IT’S A ROAD TRIP ROMANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please excuse me while I squee like an effing idiot because . . . .



By now it should go without saying that I seriously dig on road trip stories. And when some salami hidin’ is thrown in to the mix? #boooooiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnng I mean . . . .



This scientific journal was about Marley – a girl who left the farm for college and then moved alllllll the way across the country in order to start adulting. The week before her brother’s wedding she gets a surprise in the form of her father, brother, and Tacy (a “vintage” RV) all at her front door. The reason? They’re going to fulfill Marley’s deceased mom’s bucket list of traveling “The Mother Road” . . . .



Sidenote: Did you know John Mayer sang the “Route 66” song in Cars? I didn’t. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojsrz...


/end Sidenote

The end goal of this mother of all road trips? To eat the world’s greatest hot dog . . .



Okay, so not only does this book have a road trip AND smexy times, but then it culminates with the nomming of a Chicago Dog?????



Er. Ma. Gherd. . . . .



Where was I? Oh yeah, surprise visitors and an impromptu road trip. Marley’s down with the plan – until she discovers her brother’s best man Porter will also be along for the ride. The last time Marley saw Porter was on her prom night – when he broke her heart. You’d think it would be easy to channel all the rage she’s been building up for the past four years, but it’s hard to do when you’re stuck in Tacy with someone so . . . . charming . . . .



It doesn’t help that Marley has been in a bit of a drought when it comes to the bow-chicka-wow-wow . . . .

“If my vagina could cough, it would cough up a cobweb and a note that read: Just pick a dick and get on with it. A girl needs her salami every once in a while.”

It also doesn’t help that Porter doesn’t seem to be the same man he was four years ago . . .

“What are you thinking?”

“How I want you but I can’t have you. How I want to know what it’s like to feel you underneath me. I’m thinking about how we live in two different worlds, but how I desperately want to be a part of yours.”



AmIRight? Holy mother of sploosh.

Ride along while Marley tries her best to avoid Porter’s charm. It shouldn’t be that hard to do with the various games they will play to pass the time . . .



and the aftermath of gas station food on four people in a confined space . . .



I developed a Stage-5 Clinger variety girl crush on Meghan Quinn with The Virgin Romance Novelist. I like my romance books heavy on the humor and she’s a freaking riot. She also supplies a supporting cast of well-developed characters, impeccable timing, actually sexy sex scenes with no ewwww factor or dirty speak as well, as delectable book boyfriends. Oh Porter . . .



Thanks to the NetGalley addict and fellow horny old lady for sending me word about this delightful little nugget. My husband says thanks too *wink*

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates And A Thousand Cocktails by Mike and Dave Stangle

3 Stars

 

If you belong to the following . . .



there is ZERO reason for you to ever pick up Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. On the other hand, if you laugh at every raunchy/inappropriate joke within each Judd Apatow film and remain firmly planted in the "I Wanna Bang Vince Vaughn's Film Characters (Both the Fat and Thin Versions)" or know what OTPHJ stands for this might be the book for you.

I requested Mike and Dave from the library after yet another damn list of "stuff you should read before it becomes a movie in 2016" came across my Facebook feed. I figured even if I didn't enjoy the book I'd most definitely enjoy the film . . .



I also requested about eleven hundred and seventy-two NetGalley books at the exact same time so I had zero intention of reading this one until the library demanded I return it. But then I had a crazy day at work and decided to chat it up with my fave gal on the phone and down a few cold ones . . .



Well, I did until I woke up this morning. Reality check is me = old and no longer able to stay up late. What better cure for what ailed me then to read a book about two brothers and their drunken antics, right????

If you aren't familiar with Mike and Dave or why the hell they would ever get a book deal, let me show you how they earned their fifteen minutes . . . .



This is what bored guys who suck at bagging babes do in their spare time (a/k/a while dumping a load). The brothers say with regard to their sudden celebrity . . . .

"What the fuck is the matter with you, America?"

As I said before, this is definitely not a book for everyone (hate to be sexist, but I will go out on a limb and say that some of the bros may like this but the majority of my fellow hos will not). That doesn't make Mike and Dave's stories unfunny, though. It's a real shame the blurb references Tucker Max, because that dude? Ugh . . . .



While Mike and Dave are shallow and sometimes real examples of pigmen at least they own it and admit the goal of their adventures was "to get weird and maybe have a couple of 'gasms along the way." And when they failed at picking up chicks? It was pretty hilarious . . .



It's not all about sex with Mike and Dave either (mainly because they seem to be kind of horrible at sealing the deal). They also share some other moments . . .



that had me LOLing for real and freely admitted to their various man-crushes . . .



Ahhh, to be that pu$..... (oops, sorry - got off track for a second there). Anyway, if you aren't easily offended and want a cheap laugh, this isn't awful. And if not? Zac Efron's abs in the movie DEFINITELY won't be awful. Mike and Dave also taught me about the "Bill Murray Montana Cooler" so next New Year's Eve should be full of win : )