Specimen 313 by Jeff Strand

3 Stars

 

“I ask you, would a madman create a cherry tree with fruits that ooze deadly poison? Would a madman develop blades of grass sharp enough to slice off your fingers?”

Mitchell says no to all of the above.

Jeff Strand won my heart with Kumquat, so when Dan’s review of this little freebie popped up I was all over it like flies on a pu pu platter. What an adorable horror this one turned out to be.

This is the (super short) tale of Specimen 313 and his experiences in the lab when he gets a new neighbor. It’s a reminder that just because you get all . . .



sometimes when you meet someone instalove doesn’t happen in the real world and it takes some time to get to the stage of . . .



but in the meantime it’s cool to focus on developing a friendship and other important things in life . . .



Oh, and if you ever do get to the love stage??? Make sure you protect yourself . . .

Becoming a Jett Girl by Meghan Quinn

3 Stars

 

What is a Jett Girl? Well, to sum it up briefly a Jett Girl is a hand-picked, high end, exotic dancer . . .



No, not like that Pam. That’s the kind of place the girls had to work at before being “saved” by Jett Colby. Only a chosen few ever get selected, but those who do find their lives doing a complete 180. The girls who work for Jett at the Lafayette Club live in a mansion rent free, never have to worry about creeps getting to handsy while they are giving a lap dance, and have all of their debts taken care of. The only catch? They agree to submit sexually to one man – Jett Colby himself.

So there’s the story in a nutshell. Here’s the part where everything gets a little rambly so buckle up if you plan on riding this one out.

If you like stories like this . . .



There’s a good chance you might like Bourbon #1. This book most definitely had a Pretty Woman feel to it with the detached gajillionaire who never lets feelings to get into the mix of either business or pleasure bringing a stripper/prostitute into his life . . . and just maybe his heart.

I read this book for the simple fact that Shelby made me even though I’m not real comfie with the sexytimes books, I kind of loved The Virgin Romance Novelist and was hoping for more of the same. Okay, so this was waaaaay not the same, but I didn’t totally hate it either.

Let’s start with the good:

The cover. Purrrrty.

The aforementioned plot. I’m a sucker for a sappy romance – even ones that have massive amounts of boning in them.

The MC had the right idea about self-worth and continually expressed it . . .

“I hated that men thought, just because I worked in a strip club, my body was theirs to play with. My body was mine and no one else’s.”

She was also sometimes hilarious . . .

“When I woke up this morning, I had a wonderful time getting to know my toilet bowl up close and personal. I named him Fred as I puked my guts out . . . I could not do this every time. I liked Fred, but I wasn’t about to make out with him every time Francy wanted to go over drink orders.”

The use of a safe-word between partners who would perhaps be engaging in some rougher sexytimes was refreshing. Alligator, y'all . . .



Speaking of sexytimes, turns out little ol’ vanilla me didn’t mind a little kink . . .



Also? Lap dances. MUY CALIENTE!



Now it’s time for the stuff I didn’t enjoy.

The MC’s name was Goldie. I thought that was her stripper/hooker name, but nope – it was the name her parents gave her. The plus side to this is I was already familiar with a lady of the evening named Goldie and picturing her as the lead was A-Okay . . .



EVERYTHING turned the bitch on. From voices to the way her comforter felt against her skin, this gal was ret-to-go at all times and nearly every guy she came across had the potential of being Mr. Right Now . . .



Squicky sex talk. Don’t get me wrong, when the deed was actually being done it was pretty hot stuff. The inner voice of Goldie, though????? No. Just no.

“My vagina was applauding me for my decision.”

Vaginas don’t clap. Every time that phrase is used I picture things like this . . .



“My lady folds wept at the sight of him.”



Really? The combo of the New Orleans summer heat and the moisture situation Goldie had going on in her underdrawers she probably had a real mosquito problem going on down there.

Also? Grown women should not nickname their ladybits. Brittney???? Seriously????



On second thought, maybe I should start calling mine Brittney and then when my husband tries to make with the rolling in the hay I can yell “LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE!!!!!”

So to sum it up, the problems I had with this book were more than likely my problems and the erotica connoisseur will be more forgiving. I will say that I really enjoy Meghan Quinn’s writing and I would probably read book #2 if I saw an ARC offered up on NetGalley.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

The Last Town by Blake Crouch

 

3.5 Stars

 

"Hell is coming to you . . . "

 

The Wayward Pines series has been brought to you by . . .



If you haven’t yet started these books, DO NOT READ THE SYNOPSIS FOR THIS ONE. All of the fun is in the not knowing and I think it’s stupid that just because it’s Book #3 the publishers/blurbists/whoever makes these choices decide to spoil their own shit.

That being said, I ain’t gonna spoil nada. Here’s what I’ll tell you about The Last Town. This is the “action” book. You know what I mean, right? You’ve made it through the backstory – some questions have been answered – some more questions have come up. Now it’s time to poop or get off the pot and take a stand.

That means there is a lot of fighting . . . .



Okay, maybe that’s just the way I picture it. It’s probably something more like this . . .



or this . . .



There were also times when fighting wasn’t an option. Those moments require mass use of the patented Tom Cruise Run . . . .



Guaranteed to get everyone out of almost every sticky situation . . .



Well, nearly everyone . . .



Then STUFF happened. Some of which made me go . . .



Leading to the ending. That f-ing ending . . . .



You’re either going to love or hate the ending.

I’m giving this one 3.5 Stars (but rounding up) for that ending. All in all, though? This was the first series I’ve actually been interested in reading nearly back-to-back-to-back in forever. It kept me reading at a frantic pace, kept me on my toes, and kept me guessing up to the very end. Highly recommend.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Those Girls by Lauren Saft

 

1 Star

As much as I dislike television Chelsea Handler (I like book Chelsea just fine), she always seems to sum up my feelings about things perfectly . . .



Sadly, Those Girls can be summed up in one simple quote from Drake’s “The Language” . . .

“She just want to smoke and fuck I said, ‘Girl that’s all that we do.’”



Think I’m kidding? Here’s an actual quote from the book . . .

“We smoked, drank, fucked, everything down there; no one bothered us. Ever. It was terrifyingly liberating.”

Bonus that one of said “those girls” was Jewish with dreams of having a future in music. And with all the teen angst, pregnancy scares, whore-calling, and drug abuse this could have been an episode of Degrassi, which . . .



Bet you never pegged me for a Drizzy superfan, huh? Learn something new every day ; )



NO! You are not.



Where was I? Oh yeah.

Once again, doubt me when I say that this was all angsty and dramafied???? Here’s another quote . . .

“You’ve become a complete cliché of teen angst.”

My brilliant commentary on that one?

“NO S*&T!”

Bottom line is this gets a 1 Star because I wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money on it. Ever. Especially not the target demographic. I’m pretty liberal when it comes to my opinion of what is/is not cool when it comes to pushing the envelope in the YA genre, but this? Hell to the nah. Here’s some lessons your teenage daughter will learn while reading Those Girls:

1. Every cool kid should partake in the aforementioned smoking and f*&^ing (and boozing). Awesome, right?

2. “No never means no. No means try a little harder, right?”(FYI –a FEMALE teenage character says that.)

3. “Girls are horrible. I think that’s normal. I think that’s why you’re all friends.”(FYI - The nicest, albeit hardly-ever-present, male character says this.)

4. It’s totally okay to call one of your best friends a slut if she is one . . . “We never accused her of anything that wasn’t true; we never called her anything she didn’t seem to go out of her way to be called.”

5. Plan B is a perfectly acceptable form of birth control if you are Catholic and your mom won’t let you go on the pill. You also should never insist your boyfriend wear a condom – and you definitely shouldn’t make him wait until you’re . . . ummmmm, “stimulated????” before proceeding with the sexytimes.



6. When all else fails and your whore friends are still being whores, quite the lesson can be taught via rapie . . . I mean, roofie.

The bad thing is, I love books about mean girls and with characters who are vile. My favorites list is filled with things written by Megan Abbott and MCs like Patrick Bateman. That being said, it is a fine art to create something that is simultaneously revolting and intriguing. There has to be some sort of “a-ha” moment. Whether that is a redemption arc, or the bad guy getting his/hers, or finding out it was only just a dream - something more has to come out of the character(s) by the end of the novel in order to make things work. This one???? Had nothing. Those Girls on the last page were the same smoking, drinking, fucking girls that appeared on page one.

Anyway, this book sucked and I’m an idiot for once again falling for one of those e-mails that tells me “act now before this totally amazeballs offer expires.” Dear NetGalley, I have no control over myself. Don’t send me read now offers. Please. I’m begging here.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!

Oh, and one more thing . . .

Psycho by Robert Bloch

4.5 Stars

That’s what I tell my boys all the time. I hope they turn out just as friendly and loyal to their momma as Norman did.

Is there anyone even on the planet who hasn’t at least heard of Psycho before? What can I say that you don’t already know? Well, I can confirm that this book is short at roughly 200 pages. Due to its brevity, I can also say not a paragraph is wasted on filler. Every scene that occurs does so for a reason. What else? Ah yes, the writing. If I hadn’t already been privy to the fact this was an oldie by a goodie, I would have never guess this story to be 50+ years old. The subject matter as well as use of graphic language is not something I’m accustomed to when reading books that are a bit long in the tooth. Bloch had zero fear when tackling the taboo, that’s for sure. If you’re someone with a bit of a . . . dark sense of humor like me, you might even find yourself getting a morbid chuckle or two . . .

“No sense crying over spilt milk, though. Even if it hadn’t been milk.”

As is the case with me and most things dubbed “horror” I wouldn’t put Psycho in that category. Instead I’d call it a riveting page-turner of a suspense. One that I’d highly recommend to all.

If you’re not interested in the book, but rather the film I ask you – WHAT THE F*&^ ARE YOU DOING ON A BOOKNERD SITE?!?!?!? Nah, just kidding. The differences in the translation from page to screen lie almost exclusively in the casting. As my friend Ed called out in his review, the book version Norman Bates was a fella who was a bit festively plump – proving that the casting of this guy . . .



was spot on if the remake had been done a few years later. Poor Vince. Remember when he was a real looker????


(Well, not compared to Jeff Goldblum, but he wasn’t anything to chuck a rock at)

The only other Hitchcockian magic? Tweaking the following line into one of the most quotable of all times . . .

“I think perhaps all of us go a little crazy at times.”

and creating another use for chocolate syrup ; )

Hold Me Closer: The Tiny Cooper Story by David Levithan

4 Stars

 

“HOLD ME CLOSER, TONY DAAAAAANZA” . . . .

Come on! Don’t tell me you didn’t see this title and get that tune stuck in your head too.

First things first: If you have not yet read Will Grayson, Will Grayson this book will make zeros of sense to you. Do yourself a favor and check out the magic that in a Green/Levithan combo.

If you have read Will Grayson, Will Grayson you should already be in love with Tiny Cooper . . .



This is his story - told as a giant musical production . . .

“What is life if not a series of loud and quiet moments shuffled together with some music thrown in?”

And oh what a story it was! On the scale of zero to cavity, this one ranks right about here . . .



Such a lighthearted telling of one young man’s coming out and search for love. Tiny takes you through his entire life and his emergence as a “big gay butterfly” . . .



There are no broken hearts here, no tears, no real bullies – just quote after quote of life lessons that every kid should know . . .

“Mom and Dad can no more make me straight than they can make me short. There’s this thing called biology and it’s calling the shots. Mom and Dad realize this. Others do not.”

“It’s always easy to blame other people for holding you back. But sometimes, the only person hold you back is . . . well . . . you.”

“No relationship should rely on you blocking out the world. The world will always get in.”

“Don’t do what you don’t want to do. Ask yourself that simple question: Do I want to do this? If the answer is yes, go for it. If it’s anything but yes, don’t.”

I could have quoted nearly the entire book. David Levithan I want you to be my life coach! Your little story proves that. . .



Another little piece of my heart was taken when Levithan shared what it truly means to be religious if you were raised in Illinois . . .



Tiny Cooper . . . what a star!



Recommended to everyone who believes that someday their prince will come . . .

 

Gone Baby Gone by Dennis Lehane

5 Stars

 

“Even if MY world is okay, THE world is still a pile of evil shit.”


(Wrong movie - spot-on quote. Also, doesn’t Matt Damon have the most punchable face in all the world? The correct answer is yes. Yes he does.)

This was a buddy read with my pal The Jeff, but I can’t wait any longer for his slow ass to finish so my review is going up now ; )

In all seriousness, words can’t express how thankful I am that I buddied up with The Jeff for this one. Let’s just say I wasn’t in a real good place this past week so there was no way I could have made it through without adding some levity via status updates with my pal.

Gone Baby Gone is the fourth installment in the Kenzie & Gennaro series and covers the investigation of a 4-year old little girl who has gone missing in Dorchester. Man this book was dark. It’s a story that won’t just break your heart, it might break your entire being. It will most definitely tear your blood pumper into ten thousand pieces, douse those pieces with gasoline, and light the match.

I’ve never read a book where I already knew the whodunit before even beginning. However, since Gone Baby Gone was a feature film starring the incomparable Morgan Freeman about 8 or so years ago, I was already familiar with the story. That being said, Lehane’s writing is so stellar that even though I totally knew how things would play out I still found myself . . .



and questioning whether my memory was correct.

Speaking of the wring . . .

“Nothing is louder than the silence of the missing child. It’s a silence that’s two and a half to three feet tall, and you feel it at your hip and hear it rising up from the floorboards, shouting to you from corners and crevices and the emotionless face of a doll left on the floor by the bed. It’s a silence that’s different from the one left at funerals and wakes. The silence of the dead carries with it a sense of finality; it’s a silence you know you must get used to. But the silence of a missing child is not something you want to get used to; you refuse to accept it, and so it screams at you.

The silence of the dead says, Goodbye.

The silence of the missing says, Find me.”

Excuse me for a second . . .



With regard to the movie version if you’ve not yet seen it, let me tell you it’s one of the best adaptations from page to screen I’ve seen (even the miscasting of certain characters worked well). And while I don’t find Battfleck as punchable as Matt Damon, I’m not a huge fan of his acting inability. However, as a director of a gritty crime drama set in Southie???? Amazing. The film also happens to feature one of the most quotable quotes in the history of movies and one that I use around my house on the regular . . . .


(Don’t you wish you were married to me? Yeah, Jeff does too.)

I’m obviously not going to tell you who the bad guy is, any twists and turns, or how things play out. All I’m going to say is some people shouldn’t ever be allowed to birth children . . .



Drugs are bad mmmmm’kay . . .



Don’t EVER f*&^ around with people named things like “Cheese” . . .



And when things seem a little far-fetched or too hinky, just go with it and be prepared for a read that makes you question everything a lot of the opinions you hold about what is right and what is wrong. Also be prepared to . . .