What Janie Wants by Rhenna Morgan

2 Stars

 

What Janie Wants currently stands at a 4.50 rating on Goodreads. Obviously I read this one wrong.

Alright, so here’s the problem. I am well aware that I am not the target demographic for sexytimes books. I generally find the women to be pathetic, the men to be uber creepers, and the bumping and grinding to be squick worthy. That being said, recently I have discovered that romance books containing a lot of humor (especially of the slapstick variety) score REALLY high with me (and I can even ignore a barf inducing poke session or two). When I saw Janie up for grabs on NetGalley, I jumped all over it. I wanted something light and sending a recently divorced woman to a nude resort without her realizing it sounded HI. LAR. IOUS. Unfortunately, it turns out I already read this book several years ago . . . .



and it was way better the first time around . . .



This wasn’t a rom-com at all (aside from an unfortunate meet and greet involving Janie and her future beau’s nutsack). I mean, Janie didn’t even venture down to the beach at all. WTF is the point in putting those kind of teasers in the blurb? I wanted some of this . . .



However, I’m not a DNF-er, so once I figured out this book wasn’t going to offer the fun and frivolity I had been expecting, I buckled down and got to reading. Then the talk of mounds and aching sex and “feasting” on parts began and . . .



Right?



Ahhhh, that’s better.

Now let’s move on to Zade. I’m sure panties will be dropping across ‘Murica for the oh-so-perfect Zade. Once again I’m the odd duck and could totally imagine the Mr. Perfect façade quickly dropping away upon the return to reality and him turning into a regular dude-brah who gathered up a collection of board shorts and t-shirts like this . . .



Still, I’m perfectly aware that all of these issues are my problem and my star rating would have been padded because of it. Until the “bareback” scene . . . .



Thanks, Big Carl.

Where was I? Oh yeah, unprotected sex that happened because (and I quote): “Zade didn’t sleep with just anyone.”How in the name of Tom Cruise do you know that, you dumb bitch? You’ve know the dude for 5 days. He is Matthew McConaughey from back in his hay-day reincarnate. You REALLY “know” he doesn’t sleep around? And you’re a mother of a high school senior and another in college????



Shame sticks on you, Janie, your rating drops to a 2.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Swerve by Vicki Pettersson

4 Stars

 

When a book promises to combine two of my favorite things (a Road Trip and some Stabby Stabby), there’s only one thing left for me to do . . .



“People don’t attack others in broad daylight. They don’t abduct the male half of a couple and leave the female alone.”

Or do they?

When Kristine and her fiancé Daniel stop at a highway rest stop in the middle of the Nevada desert, the unthinkable happens. Kristine is attacked and Daniel disappears. So begins a 24-hour deadly game of cat and mouse . . .

“I don’t know if you can tell, but I’ve done this before.”

If you are looking for a high octane thrill ride that goes from 0-60 in three seconds flat, Swerve is the story for you. Have no fear, I’m not going to spoil all the fun – I’ll just leave a few pointers here in order for you to make the judgment call if your psyche can handle this one or not.

First, take note that not all semi drivers are as friendly as ol’ Jack Burton and the Pork Chop Express . . . .



Second, if a psycho leaves you a box in the desert, it probably doesn’t contain a cake . . .



Third, make sure you know which appendages are most important to you . . .



Fourth, just when you think you’ve got it all figured out . . .



And finally, be ready for a bad guy who makes this fella seem like a real sweetie-pie . . .



Couple all of the above with an author who can write . . .

“I know why the desert creatures have their scales and their shells, but fur hides the fangs and claws up here, and the trees whisper when rustled, their mildewed secrets scenting the air.”

and you have a Mitchell looking a little something like this . . .



Well, I mean he would if he . . . you know . . . actually had a body.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Hidden Bodies by Caroline Kepnes

 

5 Stars

 

THIS REVIEW WILL CONTAIN ZERO SPOILERS, BUT WILL BE FULL OF IDIOTIC FANGIRL SQUEEING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK


Mic check 1 2 1 2. Is my auto-tuner working, yo? A’ight, here goes [using my best T Pain voice] . . .

He trippin’ he playin’
I'm not goin’ nowhere boy I'm stayin’
I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER STALKER

In what was easily my most anticipated release of 2015, Hidden Bodies brings the return of Joe - my favorite anti-hero to date. While You was written all about the “you” Joe happened to be stalking enamored with, Hidden Bodies is all about the “we” as Joe finds love.

This is one of those series (and Joe is one of those characters) that you either get or you don’t. It’s totally cool if stalkers and body counts aren’t your idea of a good time, and it’s A-Okay to give it 1 Star (or to not give it the time of day at all). However, if you’re like me and gave in to the crazy the first time around, hopefully you’ll fall even a little harder for Joe this time around. Kepnes’ writing makes it nearly impossible not to . . .

“I don’t believe in love at first sight. But I do believe in electricity, the way it can recharge you. I am healing.”



I also have to make the observation that catching the last train for the coast was sheer genius. The pop culture references abound in La-La Land, when Joe becomes an “Old Sport” who hobnobs with modern-day Gatsbys . . .



I’m still amazed how quickly Kepnes can make me forget the minor inconvenience of Joe Goldberg being a complete nutter . . .

“We love here now, in this room, in these sheets, like a fucking John Mayer song come to life.”



Even when what he’s saying is straight up cray . . .

“I wanted to place my hand on the small of her back and lead her down to the cage, where the special books are preserved, boxed, saved. I wanted to strip her down and lock us inside and have her.”



I was going to give this one 4 Stars because it did get a wee bit draggy in some spots. But you know what? F*&^ that! Kudos to you, Ms. Kepnes for staying true to Joe, staying true to the story, and staying true to your fanbase. I anxiously await the conclusion to Joe’s story. My only wish – that you would have kept the original title Love. After all, Joe is the perfect example that . . .



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

ENDLESS THANKS TO YOU, NETGALLEY!

The Acolyte by Nick Cutter

4 Stars

 

“LET YOUR SINS GO UNPUNISHED.”

Dear tiny 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus (don’t even know a word), WTF did I just read?



I fell hard and fast for Nick Cutter when I read his debut The Troop . When he followed that up with The Deep, I knew I had found someone special. But this? Holy crap. Whole ‘notha level of storytelling.

I logged on to Goodreads in order to see how people were shelving this. What did I find? NO ONE has read it. 38 ratings and a measly 14 reviews? What the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?!?!?! With numbers that small, shelving doesn’t really help too much. However, I did see that “Horror” took first place. I’m making up a new shelf – “Realistic Dystopian Fiction”. I’ve read my fair share of dystopian books. Everything from zombies to superflus to post-nuclear holocaust, etc. and I’m telling you The Acolyte could be classified as a “horror” simply because it seems so horrifyingly possible.

The Acolyte takes place in the not-so-distant future where religion rules. The divine leader? One known as The Prophet . . .



who brings the message of God to the masses via his superchurch. All other religions? Illegal. Oh, you can work if you’re a Jew – you just have to make sure you’re back behind the concertina wire of the ghetto before curfew. Muslims, on the other hand, are a whole different story. That’s where our MC comes in to play. Jonah Murtaugh . . .


(You really can’t name a character anything resembling Murtaugh without me picturing that)

is an Acolyte. It’s his job to keep the city safe from religious heretics who refuse to follow the one true faith. However, when bombings start happening everywhere across the city (including fanatic neighborhoods), it’s a race against time for Jonah to find the culprit before all of New Bethlehem is eradicated.

This being the third book of Cutter’s that I absolutely flipped my shit over, it’s fairly safe to say I’m a fangirl. Talk about an author who is just WILLING. TO. GO. THERE. Nothing is off limits when it comes to a Cutter book. Religion is a pretty sticky subject to want to tackle in the first place, but tackle all of the crazy zealots in one book????



Balls of steel, my friend. Balls of steel.

Fair warning: This being a Nick Cutter novel, there are gruesome scenes. While I’m not someone who is bothered by gore and understand the point of some of the nasty . . .



There was one scene toward the end that was just . . . .



I wasn’t “disturbed” by it (I live with Mitchell – I don’t get disturbed by much) and I have a strong stomach, so I wasn’t even disgusted. I just found it to be . . . unnecessary. It was like Cutter realized he had made it 90% through the book without making the reader dry-heave and just had to throw something completely over-the-top in to the mix. He didn’t need to and this book loses a Star because of it. That minor complaint noted, I still highly recommend The Acolyte.

 

I would also be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to take another jab at Preacher Olsteen . . .





ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

The Devil All the Time by Donald Ray Pollock

4 Stars

 

“As far back as he could remember, it seemed that his father had fought the Devil all the time.”
Interested in reading Mitchell’s #1 pick so far this year? Are you sure you’re ready for the darkness that is the black hole of his heart? Positive?????? Alrighty then, here goes . . .



When Ron 2.0 recommended The Devil All the Time to me I told him to f*&^ off did what I normally do – added it to my TBR where it would promptly be forgotten by my old lady brain. Then Shelby chimed in with a “DOOOOOOOOOO IT” and I had no choice but to put it on hold at the library (in case you didn’t get the memo, I’m a lemming). What can I even say about this story? Something kind of like . . .



If you like to mix a little hick lit in to your reading repertoire, this title might be of interest to you. However, if you are a lover of the character redemption arc or happily-ever-after, you best just keep on keeping on. Buuuuuuuut, if you’re like Mitchell and myself, sometimes pitch black is your favorite color . . . and Donald Ray Pollock writes that color oh so very well.

The Devil All the Time is a story with an ensemble cast that revolves a bit around one central figure, Arvin Russell. The book follows Arvin from his days as a youngster in post WWII Ohio through his young adulthood in the 1960s. The supporting cast run the gamut from God warriors to serial killers to child molesters. (Told ya it was bleak.) The best way I can sum up the story is if this . . .



had a baby with this . . . .



you might end up with something almost as disturbing as The Devil All the Time. Read at your own risk, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m not going to spoil anything and tell you what happens – just be prepared for a full circle of misery.

Bream Gives Me Hiccups & Other Stories by Jesse Eisenberg

3 Stars

 

I’m not a big fan of short story collections and I’m REALLY not a fan of actors who think they are good at everything . . .



Right?

So how did I end up with Bream Gives Me Hiccups? Well, the answer is simple . . .



After finishing I can confirm collections still don’t really work for me and I struggle with what rating to give, so please take these 3 Stars with a grain of salt. The good news is I found the good stuff to be beyond good. But the bad? Some of them were pretty awful and could have been left on the editing room floor. It also didn’t help matters to come right out of the gate with hands-down the best story in the entire book. Let me tell you every other story pales in comparison to “Restaurant Reviews from a Privileged Nine-Year Old.” Here’s how I looked while attempting to dodge the feelings that one gave me . . .



Other 5 Star stories that deserve an honorable mention, if you will, include “My Mother Explains the Ballet to Me,” “My Roommate Stole My Ramen: Letters from a Frustrated Freshman,” “My Prescription Information Pamphlets as Written by My Father,” and “Marv Albert is my Therapist” . . .



The great news is, Jesse Eisenberg can indeed write. He delivers the poignant as well as the funny (sometimes simultaneously) and he always remembers Rule #2 . . .



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Waiting for the Flood by Alexis Hall

4 Stars

 

“Life is so full of rough edges – small tasks and expectations that scratch you bloody and remind you that you’re naked and alone.”

I held off on reading anything by Alexis Hall for a loooooong time. No offense to all of you superfans, but sometimes you get really rabid over REALLY shitty authors. When I saw Waiting for the Flood available on NetGalley I figured, what the hell . . . and guess what????



Poor me a big ol’ tumbler of that, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, ‘cause I’m ready to drink it up.

When Edwin bought his house with Marius, he thought it would be the place where he lived out his happily-ever-after. When Marius left two years ago, that dream shattered leaving Edwin in a shell of a home, haunted by memories of a past he can’t let go of. As a flood encroaches on the neighborhood, a stranger arrives to help prevent as much damage as possible – and possibly repair some of the damage that was done in the past.

Waiting for the Flood was just kind of perfect for me. I don’t know if it was right place/right time with the 72 straight days of rain or what, but whatever the reason I loved it and read it from start to finish without taking any kind of break.

To begin with, the story contained the right kind of angst. No teenagers boo-hooing about how horrible their perfect lives are – this was believable, palpable pain. Secondly, while I’m sure there will be complaints about Hall’s writing style being pretentious (and maybe I’ll find it to be that way in other stories too), I thought for this one it worked amazingly well. A main character who makes his livelihood from words, but who stumbles through them in real life might very well think of the “unflinching certainty of letters” that he cannot pronounce clearly. The flowery prose and pining away for lost love is something that can drive me absolutely batty, but this time around???? It made me question whether or not I’m really a cyborg . . .



Lastly, I’m fairly certain (but not positive) Hall writes about the sexytimes in some of his stories. This one did not include any tearing off of each other’s underdrawers culminating in a mad, passionate, throwdown. Instead, it ended with me wishing I had a little Weasley all of my own : )



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!