Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Kathy Griffin's Celebrity Run-Ins by Kathy Griffin

1 Star

When I saw Kathy Griffin was FINALLY putting pen to paper and releasing a “Celebrity Run-In” book I was on it like white on rice. In case you can’t tell by my oh-so-very-youthful (not) profile pics, I am a geezer. B.C. (Before Children) I even used to watch sitcoms so I have followed Kathy since waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in her Suddenly Susan days. When that finally ran its course and Kathy was back to grinding on the comedy circuit, I watched all of her specials and when My Life On The D-List premiered, I pretty much decided we should be best friends. It probably goes without saying that I had high hopes for this book. But . . . . . .

Unfortunately, it did what I was terrified it would do – made me not love Kathy so much. Kathy Griffin is a woman who could have easily shot her entire career in the foot when she chose to yell “SUCK IT JESUS, THIS AWARD IS MY GOD NOW!” after winning an Emmy. She revamped her career via reality television due to her obsession with all things celebrity and her pop-culture knowledge was out of this world, making her show not only funny but relatable. This book proves she’s either now completely out-of-touch or that she drinks enough of her own Kool Aid that she can’t be bothered knowing pointless things. Examples: (1) Never heard of Breaking Bad before Cranston was up for his first Emmy as Walter White and (2) A story which comes off as sour grapes about a make-out session with Brian Austin Green (yep, I’d still hit that – blast from the past yo) that she ends by saying “I heard he married a hot chick.” Seriously????? It’s Megan Fucking Fox – even straight middle-aged women who shall remain nameless want to bang her . . . .

Then she admits to being friends with people like Rachel Ray. The E.V.O.O. lady?????

How is that even possible? Kathy’s career is based off of talking shit about annoying celebrities. I almost had to tie my arms to my chair to keep from punching my computer monitor while searching for a Rachel Ray gif!

Speaking of talking trash – if that’s what you are hoping for, you will probably find yourself disappointed just like me. The title isn’t misleading – it is truly about “run-ins.” The stories one or two page blurbs consist of “this one time I saw so and so at this award show” or “one time when I went a restaurant whose its was there.” There are zero juicey tidbits and basically, any time Kathy isn’t treated as a speshul snowflake she determines it’s because the other person is a dick . . . while being a person who has made an entire career out of being a dick. This makey no sense to me. On the flip side (even though there is absolutely zero “meat” to any of these little snippets), all of her “best” encounters are with celebrities who apparently fawn all over her and all of her hilariousness. Yawn.

The exception:

Kathy’s dog Larry went MIA and ended up at Kal Penn’s house. Kathy failed yet again because she should have totally tried to bone that sucka as a reward.

Pretty much each story where she attempts to really dish and dismiss involves no-details-given (of course) paragraphs of how much she dislikes someone. Such as:

Jon Hamm. She hates him because he is “cold and somewhat disrespectful” to her. No shit, Sherlock. He’s MOTHERFUCKING DON DRAPER. Have you ever seen any of his roles? I don’t think that’s method acting. I’d actually be floored if he weren’t a total douchebag.

Elisabeth Hasselback. A fucking moron. ‘Nuff said.

Anna Kendrick. Who Kathy sort of accosted a party and who was polite enough to allow introductions, but eventually asked Kathy to back off so she could visit with her cousin from out of town. Dear Kathy, you were the dick in this scenario and since I am seriously not a fan of Anna Kendrick it has to be true if I’m saying it.

Ashton Kutcher. A co-host at some charity function who refused to speak to her when they weren’t on stage.

She disses on Miley, but since it’s pretty obvi Miley has zero shame and owns all her shit it’s not even fun.

And the one time I could have totally jumped on her bandwagon? She pussied out!

“To this day, I can’t tell you if Rahm Emmanuel is a prick or just a guy doing his job.”

If you're from Illinois you know the answer to the above starts with a capital P.

Wait, she pussed out twice by not having an actual Bieber story, but instead bashing Usher for “unleashing Justin Bieber on the civilized world.” Well, you know what the Biebs would probably have to say about that???? Something like Kathy should go and love herself. And also . . . .

Final rant: Nothing says something bothers a person more than them saying “it doesn’t bother me one bit” – which is exactly what Kathy Griffin says about being snubbed by Will Ferrell (who was her student along with Cheri Oteri at The Groundlings before they invented “The Cheerleaders”). People aren’t obligated to like you. Maybe his “snub” is him taking the high road. Seriously, if you don’t like it, go back to your giant mansion next to Kim and effin’ Kanye . . . .

I’ll end this on a positive by sharing the most interesting tidbit I discovered from this book: Kathy was an extra on the set of the Pepsi commercial where Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire. For you youngsters who thought this was perhaps only an urban legend, it was not. Pepsi Cola did indeed burn Michael Jackson up . . . .

And now he’s drinking 7-Up. Well, not really since he’s dead.

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