Mystic River by Dennis Lehane

5 Stars

“We bury our sins here. We wash them clean.”
Mystic River was another selection of mine for the (already completed) Read to Reel challenge at my local library. Although I’ve owned this book for years, for whatever reason it remained on the “hysterectomy shelves” untouched until the librarian forced my hand. Amazingly, I have also been able to avoid ever seeing the movie that was released 10+ years ago due to my dislike for Clint Eastwood’s directing . . . . .



Ahhhhh save it, Clint!

The story here is about Sean, Jimmy and Dave. Twenty-five years ago they were rough-housing in the street when two men claiming to be cops pulled up in an unmarked police cruiser. Sean and Jimmy went home, Dave got in the car with the men and managed to find his way back four days later . . . .



Fast-forward to the present where Sean is a detective with a wife (and possible daughter) who have split on him, Jimmy is an ex-con turned family man who owns and operates the corner store and Dave is someone who presents a good front, but whose past torments him more than anyone could ever imagine. When Jimmy’s daughter is brutally murdered in a local park the three former friends find their lives intertwined once again and all the demons buried so long ago come boiling to the surface.

Like all of the other Dennis Lehane’s I’ve read, this one was a real wicked pissa. If you ever need an excuse for putting your head in the oven, Lehane is an author who will deliver them in spades. Mystic River is categorized as a “Mystery/Thriller” like all of the author’s other works, but that sells this novel so short. While there is most assuredly a mystery to solve, I believe most readers will find that aspect of the book takes second fiddle to the character study of these three families. It’s quite easy to see the red herring and, for people who gravitate toward the thriller or crime genres, it’s pretty simple to see the end well before you ever reach it. And if your brain works like mine and 100% refuses to acknowledge the casting decisions made by the pros, but instead replaces them with . . . .



A story like Mystic River can only end one way.

If you like ‘em dark, look no further. Lehane is a master of this art and proves once again that . . . .

“I think anyone’s capable of anything.”

All the stars.

(And if you want to continue on a downward spiral of superbads happening that eff up kids’ lives forever, look no further than sleepers.)

Book # I lost count in the Library Winter Reading Challenge

Riot by Tillie Cole

3 Stars



Ha! I keed. It’s actually Val . If you want a smutastically funny reviewer to follow or friend, she’s a winner. She’s also the person who put this (what appears to be final) selection of the Scarred Souls series on my radar so blame her for this garbage review wasting all your data.

I had big plans for when I read this . . . .



However, I ended up reading it sober. Maybe that’s why it wasn’t hit right out of the ol’ ballpark for me. Or maybe I just channeled my former non-porn reading self . . . .



Before anybody goes all apeshit and tells me I read this wrong, allow me to state for the record that I have read two others in this series and even though the first didn’t really work for me much at all, the other I liked oh so berry berry much. I will totally own up to the fact that a lot of the problems I had with Riot were mine and not the book's. But let’s start with the positives.

The covers. This whole series is nothing but #sploosh when it comes to the fronts.

I love this world hardcore. It’s oh so very Thunderdomey and I get all moist excited just thinking about all these sweaty Russkies fighting to the death . . . .



This one also had a plot. It made for less of the sexuals, but it tied everything together quite well. The story here was about 901 and 152. If you’ve read this series before, you’ll know that the characters are prisoners of an evil “Master” and known only by assigned numbers. 901 is the best fighter in the Blood Pit, 152 is the Master’s number one whore. In an attempt to break 901’s spirit and make him obedient, the Master gifts him with 152 so he will develop all the feels and have something he’s afraid of losing. (There’s also stuff with the former featured players from the previous books in the series, but I don’t do the spoilsies.)

So there you have it. Now let’s talk about how I read this wrong because it’s far more entertaining than when I read things right.

First, 152’s official job title was called the “mona” – which my mind constantly replaced with . . . .



Good Christ brain, that’s a child FFS! It made the pervy good time nearly impossible to achieve.

Second, to prove a sober brain is a horrible brain, I also thought of the Master like this the entire time I was reading . . . .



Which was hilarious, but I’m fairly certain that wasn’t really the reaction Tillie Cole was going for.

Third, although 901 was clearly described as a giant blonde, as soon as a leading male is described as a giant who is twice as broad as the average petite leading lady I want to cast him as either Jason Momoa or . . . .



Again, that would be great if I had not just watched Central Intelligence with the boychild – thus making 901 be . . . .



Fat Robbie.

And then there was the sexytimes. Why did the term “channel” get brought back in to play?????? Channel does not conjure good imagery. At all . . . .



(^^^^^Makes you want to run to Sonic, don’t it Ron?)

Anway, this ended up being just okay for me. If I would have gone with my gut instinct and read it while loaded it probably would have been 5 Stars and my husband would be a much happier camper too. At least he scored some jambalaya out of the dead for Mardi Gras weekend . . . .



ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 
Thank you, NetGalley!

Holding Up The Universe by Jennifer Niven

3.5 Stars

“Remember this: YOU ARE WANTED. Big, small, short, pretty, plain, friendly, shy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself.

Especially not yourself.”

So this is the super offensive book that no one wanted to read due to a reference in the blurb about how the main character was so fat she had to be removed from her house with a crane. Have none of y’all ever seen My 600 Pound Life???? This wasn’t “fat shaming,” it was spot on accurate. You see, Libby (said craned-out MC) weighed 653 pounds at one point and did, in fact, have to pretty much get the windows blown out of her house in order to be saved when she was almost dying. But instead of people being reasonable, this happened . . . . .



And Holding Up The Universe got blacklisted and the blurb had to get changed and a whole bunch of other assholery occurred like the much loved All The Bright Places magically also became super offensive and apparently now is thought to belittle mental health and oh my Christ now I know why people talk about effing snowflakes so much!

Read this if you want, don’t read it if you don’t want. I give zero poops. If you decide to give it a shot, kudos to you because you’ll get to meet some interesting people. Not only Libby, but also Libby’s (actually present, which hardly ever happens in YA books) dad, as well as Jack (and everything you never would have known about the disorder prosopagnosia), while you discover sometimes young adult authors write characters who aren’t all white – shocking, I know, and also little brothers like Dusty who decided to start carrying a purse over the summer and believes “if I want to carry a purse, I’m going to carry it. I’m not going to not carry it just because they don’t like it.” You’ll read teens who actually sound like teens and have their share of dickish moments and you’ll get to experience a relatable first crush rather than instalove and laugh out loud when Libby says things like: “I want to lean in and get a whiff of him and rest my head on his should or maybe make out with his neck” while slow dancing with a boy. Or keep being offended just for the sake of being offended, because that seems legit.

ARC provided by Crown Publishing in exchange for an honest review – which took me eleven thousand years to write because I am a jerkoff.

ORIGINAL "REVIEW":

THIS book looks offensive? I really just don't understand people. Add me to the OHMYGODGIVEITTOMENOW category please. Because I'm fat, I'm fat and I know it (sh'mon!) . . .

I'll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson

5 Stars

“They do make love stories for girls with black hearts after all. They go like this.”
Oh God, what is happening to me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!



“They do make love stories for girls with black hearts after all. They go like this.”
Oh God, what is happening to me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Here’s the back story to me reading this so tune out if you don’t want to know even more about my boring life. About a million and a half years ago around Christmastime I was on the phone with a buddy and there’s the teeniest of chances one or both of us might have been drunk. Fastforward to me waking up the next more in desperate need of coffee and Tylenol when I discovered a message telling me my Christmas presents had arrived and to crank up my Kindle. What I found was a bevy of books from my “Want To Read” list and since I suck I still haven’t read most of them. I probably wouldn’t have read this yet either, but everything I was thinking about reading was of the dark and stormy variety and I had just finished Mystic River so I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down that road. I knew nothing about I’ll Give You The Sun aside from the fact that at some point I put it on the TBR due to seeing the “if you like John Green, David Levithan or Rainbow Rowell, you’ll probably like Jandy Nelson aiiiiiight” blurb.

Now that I’ve read it, let me tell you the first ten percent MINIMUM is quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. We’re talking absolute gobbledygook. Gibberish. I have never been able to “DNF” before, but I was seriously thinking this would be my first time and I logged on to Goodreads to see if I could find a lifeline. What I found were several friends had also given up the good fight and one shining beacon of hope in the form of Allisa’s review. I’ve been friends with Alissa long enough to know her reviews don’t spoil anything and I was happy to see I wasn’t the only one having a WTF is this???? type of moment (which I’m pretty used to because I read stuff wrong all the time, but I’m pretty sure I read that first chunk right this time). Anywho, long story long I kept on keeping on. And this is going to go down in history as one of my favorite Young Adult novels ever.

Simply put, I'll Give You The Sun is a coming of age story about twins written by each in their own perspective at two different formative points during their adolescence. You’re either going to love it or hate it and it really won’t bother me one bit if you hate it because it is so difficult to love at first. But if you stay with it, you’ll find magic. Jandy Nelson is a wordsmith and (thankfully) not of the purple prose variety. Her turn of phrase would probably seem like nothing without the full context, but boy oh boy does she know about how “ass licking” life can be and when it comes to falling in love – and I mean real love, not the insta variety – she is spot on with “she said you would feel like family.”

One last thing should my children ever read this review: I promise you, when I die I most definitely will be your parachute and PLEASE give a girl an orange and you truly do need to “see the miracles for there to be miracles” and make sure to “make a wish. Take a (second or third or fourth) chance. Remake the world.”

Every star. I’m just pretending that first 10% didn’t happen.

Holding Up The Universe by Jennifer Niven

3.5 Stars

“Remember this: YOU ARE WANTED. Big, small, short, pretty, plain, friendly, shy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself.

Especially not yourself.”
So this is the super offensive book that no one wanted to read due to a reference in the blurb about how the main character was so fat she had to be removed from her house with a crane. Have none of y’all ever seen My 600 Pound Life???? This wasn’t “fat shaming,” it was spot on accurate. You see, Libby (said craned-out MC) weighed 653 pounds at one point and did, in fact, have to pretty much get the windows blown out of her house in order to be saved when she was almost dying. But instead of people being reasonable, this happened . . . . .



And Holding Up The Universe got blacklisted and the blurb had to get changed and a whole bunch of other assholery occurred like the much loved All The Bright Places magically also became super offensive and apparently now is thought to belittle mental health and oh my Christ now I know why people talk about effing snowflakes so much!

Read this if you want, don’t read it if you don’t want. I give zero poops. If you decide to give it a shot, kudos to you because you’ll get to meet some interesting people. Not only Libby, but also Libby’s (actually present, which hardly ever happens in YA books) dad, as well as Jack (and everything you never would have known about the disorder prosopagnosia), while you discover sometimes young adult authors write characters who aren’t all white – shocking, I know, and also little brothers like Dusty who decided to start carrying a purse over the summer and believes “if I want to carry a purse, I’m going to carry it. I’m not going to not carry it just because they don’t like it.” You’ll read teens who actually sound like teens and have their share of dickish moments and you’ll get to experience a relatable first crush rather than instalove and laugh out loud when Libby says things like: “I want to lean in and get a whiff of him and rest my head on his should or maybe make out with his neck” while slow dancing with a boy. Or keep being offended just for the sake of being offended, because that seems legit.

ARC provided by Crown Publishing in exchange for an honest review – which took me eleven thousand years to write because I am a jerkoff.

One Of Us Is Lying by Karen M. McManus

4 Stars

“Some people are too toxic to live. They just are.”
Welcome to detention, where a princess, a jock, a brain, a criminal and . . . a gossip???? Wait, that’s not historically accurate . . . . .



Have all earned a spot for violating one of the most serious rules of high school: NO PHONES IN CLASS. They’ve done the crime, now they have to do the time as well as write a 500 word essay about how technology is ruining American high schools. If they fail to do so, well . . . .



Plans quickly change, however, when the gossip drops dead of anaphylactic shock. (He didn’t belong in the story anyway, right? The basketcase was the final member.) Now the four remaining delinquents are all suspects in his death when the questions of just how did peanut oil get in the disposable cups near the sink and what happened to all of the epi pens in the nurse’s station get raised. But there’s even more in store for these kids when the gossip’s dishy blog starts revealing secrets none of the four ever thought would get out . . . . .



First, kudos to whoever was in charge for finally getting a dang blurb right. This absolutely was “The Breakfast Club Meets Pretty Little Liars.” Per usual, I was not the target audience for this selection, but hey the sun shines on an old dog’s butt every once in a while because I thought it was . . . .



I suspect One Of Us Is Lying will become a bestseller P.D.Q. (that’s pretty darn quick for you young’ins) and I wouldn’t be surprised to see it optioned as a movie in the not-so-distant future either. If you read mysteries . . . like ever . . . . you'll probably see the end coming about 12 miles away, but the getting there is all the fun. Obviously this isn't a story that’s going to change anyone’s lives, but if you have a teen (or in my case a 30 year old male attorney boss) who enjoys all the guilty pleasures Pretty Little Liars has to offer on the ABC Family Channel, this will probably be a winner.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thanks, NetGalley!

Love Letters To The Dead by Ava Dellaira

2 Stars

Obviously Mitchell and I aren’t the target demographic for this book, so take my rating with several grains of salt and I’m going to keep this short and sweet sour, just like myself. Love Letters To The Dead could have been a perfectly A-Okay book for me. The basic storyline is Laurel’s sister May is gone and Laurel is lost in her grief. She swaps schools in order to get rid of the “sister of the dead girl” stigma and is presented with an assignment of writing a letter to the dead. Rather than completing just one letter, Laurel writes a series to a series of famous young people whose flames were extinguished prematurely which eventually tell all of the truths about not only May’s death, but about Laurel’s life as well. And that’s where it lost me. The letters, the what happened to the dead sister, the grieving process, the finding herself plotlines were all great. But then . . . . .



Why the hell did everything but the kitchen sink need to be thrown in before this was over???? Laurel’s sister croaked and that should have been enough for one book. But nooooooooo, God forbid you don’t have a “superbadawful” happen to some poor girl in every YA novel. I know I’m kind of a robot and don’t cry very often, but I do recognize when I’m supposed to have an emotion. The one time I’m guaranteed NOT to have them? When an author is trying to manipulate them out of me . . . .



And just to confirm to all that I’m in fact a giant dick – I don’t understand the allure of Kurt Cobain either. As the book states . . . .

“You didn’t want to be the spokesperson of a generation.”

Somehow my generation (the one who actually grew up listening to a live Kurt Cobain rather than a dead one) was able to respect this. Now he’s become a martyr. I don’t get it.

Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren

1 Star

I have no words to describe this horrible thing, so I’ll do what I do best and use pictures . . . .





There’s simply nothing good to say about this whore of a book.

I decided to take a break from Mystic River being that it was Valentine’s Day and maybe a selection that makes a person want to stick their head in the oven wasn’t the best choice if my husband was looking to score. I had downloaded this one a week or so ago when it popped up as a “Recommended To You” option on the porny library’s website. Oh porny librarian, I have some serious disappoint. I can’t believe you won’t order my oft requested stepbrother porns but you spent my hard-earned tax dollars on what I have now discovered started off as yet another Twilight fan fic.

Basically the “story” – and believe me that is a S.T.R.E.T.C.H. because this sumbitch has zero plot is that Chloe is Bennett’s assistant. You get zero, zilch, nada of any type of character building or storyline before these two start banging on like page two. You only know they hate each other. Uhhhhhhhhh. I hate one of my bosses and I sure don’t let him see my underwears to prove how much. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, now that I think about it, those granny drawers might traumatize him pretty good. Also, in case it hasn’t become clear over the past year I’m no longer a prude and have seriously enjoyed the secretary and bossman storyline before . . . .



However, as much of a buzzkill it may be, a plot is a requirement for me when dealing with a flown blown novel (and a series at that – JEEBUS!). You want to publish an Alexa Riley-ish 30 page bangfest? Cool. But not 320 pages of it. Even Dr. Seuss could put forth a better effort than this . . . .



Dear Chrstina Lauren . . .



It probably goes without saying that my husband got zero play last night. However, after he fed me this as my special Hallmark Holiday meal . . . .



He didn’t want to be in the same room with me anyway.

Kathy Griffin's Celebrity Run-Ins by Kathy Griffin

1 Star

When I saw Kathy Griffin was FINALLY putting pen to paper and releasing a “Celebrity Run-In” book I was on it like white on rice. In case you can’t tell by my oh-so-very-youthful (not) profile pics, I am a geezer. B.C. (Before Children) I even used to watch sitcoms so I have followed Kathy since waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in her Suddenly Susan days. When that finally ran its course and Kathy was back to grinding on the comedy circuit, I watched all of her specials and when My Life On The D-List premiered, I pretty much decided we should be best friends. It probably goes without saying that I had high hopes for this book. But . . . . . .



Unfortunately, it did what I was terrified it would do – made me not love Kathy so much. Kathy Griffin is a woman who could have easily shot her entire career in the foot when she chose to yell “SUCK IT JESUS, THIS AWARD IS MY GOD NOW!” after winning an Emmy. She revamped her career via reality television due to her obsession with all things celebrity and her pop-culture knowledge was out of this world, making her show not only funny but relatable. This book proves she’s either now completely out-of-touch or that she drinks enough of her own Kool Aid that she can’t be bothered knowing pointless things. Examples: (1) Never heard of Breaking Bad before Cranston was up for his first Emmy as Walter White and (2) A story which comes off as sour grapes about a make-out session with Brian Austin Green (yep, I’d still hit that – blast from the past yo) that she ends by saying “I heard he married a hot chick.” Seriously????? It’s Megan Fucking Fox – even straight middle-aged women who shall remain nameless want to bang her . . . .



Then she admits to being friends with people like Rachel Ray. The E.V.O.O. lady?????



How is that even possible? Kathy’s career is based off of talking shit about annoying celebrities. I almost had to tie my arms to my chair to keep from punching my computer monitor while searching for a Rachel Ray gif!

Speaking of talking trash – if that’s what you are hoping for, you will probably find yourself disappointed just like me. The title isn’t misleading – it is truly about “run-ins.” The stories one or two page blurbs consist of “this one time I saw so and so at this award show” or “one time when I went a restaurant whose its was there.” There are zero juicey tidbits and basically, any time Kathy isn’t treated as a speshul snowflake she determines it’s because the other person is a dick . . . while being a person who has made an entire career out of being a dick. This makey no sense to me. On the flip side (even though there is absolutely zero “meat” to any of these little snippets), all of her “best” encounters are with celebrities who apparently fawn all over her and all of her hilariousness. Yawn.

The exception:

Kathy’s dog Larry went MIA and ended up at Kal Penn’s house. Kathy failed yet again because she should have totally tried to bone that sucka as a reward.



Pretty much each story where she attempts to really dish and dismiss involves no-details-given (of course) paragraphs of how much she dislikes someone. Such as:

Jon Hamm. She hates him because he is “cold and somewhat disrespectful” to her. No shit, Sherlock. He’s MOTHERFUCKING DON DRAPER. Have you ever seen any of his roles? I don’t think that’s method acting. I’d actually be floored if he weren’t a total douchebag.

Elisabeth Hasselback. A fucking moron. ‘Nuff said.

Anna Kendrick. Who Kathy sort of accosted a party and who was polite enough to allow introductions, but eventually asked Kathy to back off so she could visit with her cousin from out of town. Dear Kathy, you were the dick in this scenario and since I am seriously not a fan of Anna Kendrick it has to be true if I’m saying it.

Ashton Kutcher. A co-host at some charity function who refused to speak to her when they weren’t on stage.

She disses on Miley, but since it’s pretty obvi Miley has zero shame and owns all her shit it’s not even fun.

And the one time I could have totally jumped on her bandwagon? She pussied out!

“To this day, I can’t tell you if Rahm Emmanuel is a prick or just a guy doing his job.”

If you're from Illinois you know the answer to the above starts with a capital P.

Wait, she pussed out twice by not having an actual Bieber story, but instead bashing Usher for “unleashing Justin Bieber on the civilized world.” Well, you know what the Biebs would probably have to say about that???? Something like Kathy should go and love herself. And also . . . .



Final rant: Nothing says something bothers a person more than them saying “it doesn’t bother me one bit” – which is exactly what Kathy Griffin says about being snubbed by Will Ferrell (who was her student along with Cheri Oteri at The Groundlings before they invented “The Cheerleaders”). People aren’t obligated to like you. Maybe his “snub” is him taking the high road. Seriously, if you don’t like it, go back to your giant mansion next to Kim and effin’ Kanye . . . .



I’ll end this on a positive by sharing the most interesting tidbit I discovered from this book: Kathy was an extra on the set of the Pepsi commercial where Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire. For you youngsters who thought this was perhaps only an urban legend, it was not. Pepsi Cola did indeed burn Michael Jackson up . . . .



And now he’s drinking 7-Up. Well, not really since he’s dead.

The Thicket by Joe R. Lansdale

4 Star

My Goodreads’ buddies have been trying to get me to read The Thicket before it even came out (because an ARC was available for request), but I resisted because . . . . .



Well, partially. Also because I really am not a fan of westerns. Even though Ron 2.0 assured me this wasn’t a real westerny western and Shelby had 5-Starred it, I didn’t end up requesting this one until I became addicted to the library’s Read to Reel Challenge and discovered this fine gentlemen has been cast in a hopefully soon-to-be-made film version . . . .



The story here is about Jack Parker, an almost grown man who is on his way to live with an aunt in Kansas after his ma and pa die from the pox when his granddaddy is killed and his sister is kidnapped by bad guys. Recruiting the help of a gravedigger, a dwarf, a whore and a hog, The Thicket then becomes about . . . .

“Our job is to rescue her, kill the hell out of the man who stole her, and collect a reward.”

If it came to my enjoyment of the story, this one would rate fair to middlin’. I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t like westerns. And while this one was on the cusp of being not too “westerny,” it still featured chasing marauders and complaining about crotch chafing from horse riding enough that my attention waned a bit. However, there is just something about Joe Lansdale that is impossible not to love. Mainly the fact that he demonstrates that he believes . . . . .



Even though the subject matter was a tad more serious, The Thicket definitely had a bit of a Blazing Saddles vibe to it and I have no option but to give it 4 Stars because Lansdale can write like nobody’s business and Shorty will go down as an all-time favorite character. Also because if I don’t my drinking buddy said he won’t be friends with me any longer . . . .



Plus this book proved something Mitchell has been telling me for years . . . .



And at this point I’m pretty sure he’s not just stating it for trivia, but as a threat.

Still reading the Winter Reading Challenge theme because I can . . .