Donners of the Dead by Karina Halle

2 Stars

 

WARNING: I AM GOING TO STRAIGHT UP SAY WHAT THE BAD/SCARY/KILLY THING IS IN THIS STORY – CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. HOWEVER, MS. HALE FLAT OUT SAYS IT HERSELF IN THE SYNOPSIS CONTAINED ON AMAZON, SO IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT A SPOILER, ALSO, THE TITLE???? I’M PRETTY SURE MOST OF Y’ALL ARE BRIGHT ENOUGH TO HAVE FIGURED IT OUT ON YOUR OWN ANYWAY.

I could say this was a case of “it’s not you, it’s me” when it came to this book . . . but I’m not going to. I picked Donners of the Dead up once it finally became free for me to do so. It had been on my TBR for quite some time (it’s got a goooooood title and premise, after all), but I was leery to read it because I usually fall on the complete opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to authors known for writing “New Adult.” I’ve dabbled in that genre a time or two and have found it to be really hit or miss for me. However, this book had a big ol’ disclaimer on Amazon saying it was definitely NOT New Adult. Too bad for me I didn’t check the smaller disclaimer contained on Goodreads that said it was a “horror romance.” WTF is a horror romance????

The whole idea behind the story is that a wagon train (following the same route as the Donner party from years before) has failed to reach its final destination. A relative of said party wants to find conclusive evidence of what happened to the missing pioneers and hires Eve Smith, a young half Native American girl known to be the best tracker in the area, to assist his group.

Okay, there’s the basic idea. Now, not only is this group on a quest to find a bunch of more-than-likely dead folks who were following the trail of another group of dead folks who had such a great journey they ended up EATING EACH OTHER, but they are also about to encounter some super scary bad guys . . .

What’s the obvious thing that should happen? If you’re thinking “those poor bastards better figure out how to nut up super quick in order to fight the undead or else they need to hightail it back to where they came from pronto,” well unfortunately you would be wrong. But if you’re thinking “Eve should totally act like a damsel in distress 99% of the time and focus on perchance hooking up with one of the sexy strangers who is a member of the search party and thank her lucky stars there aren’t bazillions of these creepers roaming around the woods so there’s plenty of time to chop off evil undead heads AND bump uglies,” then you’re right (and also super good at guessing storylines!). Me no likey : (

Oh and one other thing that needs to be mentioned about this plot – there must have been some serious backlash from people who called out the author on the racism contained in this book ‘cause there is a big paragraph explaining about the time/place/mindset/etc. Although I like to think that I would have stabbed every single one of these guys in the face were I in the same situation as Eve, if some fictional dumb broad wants to fall for a fella who spends the majority of the book referring to her status as an “Injun” (and other derogatory terms), that’s on her.

So yeah, obviously I’m not a fan of mixing my horror with romance and this one did not work for me. I can say, however, that Ms. Halle is not a terrible writer and I will probably give her another shot in the future.

Throttle by Joe Hill and Stephen King

4 Stars

 

If you’re a “Constant Reader” you should already be well aware of the fact that Stephen King knows how to do a story about a semi . . .




(and a vending machine – Ha! That scene still cracks me up)

What happens when you add a little Joe Hill to the mix? You get a motorcycle gang too . . .



It seems the Sons of Anarcy Tribe has found themselves in a bit of trouble and it just keeps escalating. After a failed attempt at creating a meth lab and an even bigger failure of collecting answers/money owed, the boys are hightailing their way across the Nevada desert. When they stop at a local diner to hash out their next move, their not-so-law-abiding conversation is overhead by a trucker, who then spends the next 20 miles trying to eliminate the gang one by one.

Talk about full throttle. This little story is the epitome of the term “action packed.” Not only does the chase pack a wallop, but the fleshing out of characters and them dealing with their inner demons in such a short tale is remarkable. Joe Hill and Stephen King writing together is the greatest combination to happen since someone’s chocolate fell into someone’s peanut butter.


(^^^^ERMAHGERD!)

Where was I? Oh yeah, this story I’m supposedly reviewing. Anyway, it’s short, it’s gross, it’s good and it’ll give you a little mindf*&^aroo at the end. I think this one could have received all 5 Stars from me if the dynamic duo of King and Hill had given it an extra 25 pages and let us into the world of not only the bikers, but also the semi driver . . .



And given the opportunity to present us with a complete book rather than a story???? I’m fairly certain they could have really twisted things around and had me routing for the bad guy : )



Oh, and because Anne dared me to find a way to put semi-naked men in my next three reviews I say CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!!



It even ties in with the whole biker theme. I’m amazing!!!!

Also, Praiz said she loves Jax and Opie and requested pics of both . . . Sidenote: I asked my husband about this ‘cause I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy and he said Opie is dead and has been dead for quite awhile. I don’t know about having a crush on a zombie motorcycle gang member (that seems extremely hazardous to your health), but I’m a giver ; )

In the Tall Grass by Stephen King and Joe Hill

4 Stars

 

“He wanted quiet for a while instead of the radio, so you could say what happened was his fault. She wanted fresh air instead of the AC for a while, so you could say it was hers.”


What can I say? I can say “boy oh boy this was a humdinger of a little thrillride.”

Cal and Becky pull off of the highway to stretch their legs, but could never imagine what would happen next. On their side of the highway is the Black Rock of the Redeemer Church, on the other? A little boy screaming for help from beyond the tall Kansas grass. The two know right away they have to help the little boy, but when they enter the grass they discover finding their way out is impossible . . . unless they do one thing.

I don’t know if it’s embedded in my psyche after reading so many Stephen King books over the years or what, but I was on edge immediately upon starting this story. The first sentence grabbed me and by the time they heard the voice of little lost Tobin crying for help I was on the edge of my seat – where I firmly remained until the last page.

I’m going to go out on a limb and give credit where I think credit is due and say the magic of the unwasted page/paragraph/sentence in this short story is all owed to Joe Hill. I’m generally not a fan of even the novella, so an actual short like this is really not my cuppa. That being said, just as King knows the art of painting the horror story with a nice broad brush, Joe Hill knows how to get right to the point and not spend a second on unnecessary details.

Obviously I can’t tell you what lies beyond the “tall grass,” but I can tell you that it’s easily the most disturbing short I’ve ever (or probably will ever read) and it’s not for the timid . . . or the weak-stomached. It made Michael’s little “experience” with the worms and maggots in one of my faves look like child’s play . . .



If you’re looking for something that will horrify you this Halloween week – In The Tall Grass is a winner.

 

Choose Your Own Autobiography by Neil Patrick Harris

4 Stars

 How can I describe my feelings about my experience with Choose Your Own Autobiography???? Well, this pretty much sums it up:



Buckle up friends ‘cause this might be a long one . . . Where do I even begin???? I guess I should take my inspiration from NPH and sit down at the computer in order to journal my feelings:



Let me start by saying you kind of have to be a NPH Fangirl to really appreciate this book. Although funny, Neil’s story focuses more on the actual story of his life rather than the hardiest of har-har anecdotal moments. Luckily for me I am a superfan and spent the better part of the summer attempting to score a free copy of Choose Your Own Autobiography. Guess what??? Persistence (and the fact that I confessed I was willing to do anything for a freebie) paid off and I was totally able to “get inside” NPH, if you will . . .



And what did I learn that I didn’t know before? A lot. Neil Patrick Harris is so open about . . . well, everything. Not only does he tell you about every aspect of his career from his start as Doogie Howser, M.D. . . .


I totally wanted to bang Doogie when I was a kid and received massive amounts of flack for it. I obviously knew what he was going to grow into


(Mommy likey!!!!)

to box office failure (but massive success in the pop culture arena) . . .



to massive success on the big screen . . .



to the weirdest little blog with the biggest following in the history of ever . . .



to a return to network television in one of the most wildly popular shows (with a completely less-than-stellar ending) . . .



to triumph and a Tony about one angry little inch . . .



Neil Patrick Harris has done it (and talks about it) all. Including dishing on all of the D-listers of Hollywood who have shown themselves to be d-bags (Doherty, Screech, Anne Heche, Kelsey Grammar, Scott Caan (Who???? Wait, am I the only person in the world who didn’t know not only this guy’s name but that he’s James Caan’s son???? I’ll just crawl back under my rock now).

Not only does NPH discuss his professional life, but he talks about everything else as well. He’s awesomely self-deprecating (especially when it comes to describing matters of the “heart,” if you will). From his sexuality to family to drug usage (easy there, killer, he was never a Lindsay Blowhan - he merely dabbled), he talks about every aspect of his life. He even throws in some card tricks and a couple of food and cocktail recipes for good measure. He SERIOUSLY covers his life story – I mean all the way up to the Heineken commercials which only began airing a few months ago. And he speaks of his parents, his partner David, and his children with such complete adoration that it almost made rain fall out of my face.

So, how did my adventure end? Wellllllll . . . I after I found myself in a twisted plotline involving murder and decapitation of hitchhikers I figured I better start over and read the book from the beginning so that’s just what I did. Cover to cover. And now???



Neil Patrick Harris’ story was LEGEN



DARY!!!!

ARC provided by Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review

No One Else Can Have You by Kathleen Hale

4 Stars

Let me apologize in advance, as this is going to be horrendously long and super rambly. 

By now, thousands of people have probably read this piece and a collective terror of sorts has arisen in the reviewing community. The obvious thought most reviewers had was “this could have been me.” I’m here to tell you it could have easily been me. You see, I’ve been named as one of the so-called “bullies” by a certain website. My crime? Writing honest reviews about books I don’t like, giving 1 Star ratings where I feel they are due, and having the nerve to create a “never list” for books written by BBAs and super-spammers. I’ve never contacted an author to tell them how much I hated their book – I’ve never told another reviewer their opinion was “wrong,” but somehow I’m a bully. You know what has happened, though? I’ve been contacted by an author telling me to remove a bad review. I’ve been told my opinion was wrong . . . and called old . . . and fat . . . and stupid . . . and a bad mother . . . andonandonandon for posting reviews that dare to have an opinion opposite of that of the masses. And you know what? That’s cool. Sticks and stones and all that jazz.

I’m not here to condone anything Ms. Hale did, but I’m not here to villainize her any further either. I’m not a psychologist, but there must have been some kind of issue that caused rational thought to fly out the window and a person to rent that car in order to confront a complete stranger at their front door.

Like I said, I have a “never ever list” containing a lot of books that came to light from circumstances waaaaay less extreme than this. Mind you, many of these books are fall into the “special snowflake” category of stuff I probably wasn’t going to read anyway, but I want a shelf that reminds me what not to buy when I’m perusing the cheapies at Amazon or the local used book stores and see a title that looks familiar. The difference with No One Else Can Have You was that it was on my “to read” list already . . . and I was really looking forward to it. The title, the synopsis, the cover (god that cover is still one of the best I’ve seen this year) all had me intrigued. But like books tend to do when your TBR is at “infinity,” No One Else Can Have You got pushed down the line with addition of even more titles. Then the terrible awful happened and it popped back on my radar – and I promptly put it on the “never list” (along with about eleventy billion other readers) – but then I thought to myself: “Self, why don’t we just do an experiment and give this one here a looksee? After all, it was on your TBR for a reason.” I decided I’d read it if it were available through the library and, by golly it was.

I went home last night and told my husband what I was doing and he said “WHY THE F*&^ ARE YOU READING THAT? HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?!?!?!?” which was pretty impressive since we’ve been married 126 dog years and he tends to tune out a bit when it comes to my stories of Goodreads trials and tribulations.

I cooked dinner (and read) – I let the dogs out (and read) – I broke up a fight between my two heathen children (bad mother, remember?) (and read) – I took the world’s fastest shower (and then read) – I updated that I was going to stop reading and go to sleep, but guess what? I didn’t (spoiler alert: I read). I couldn’t put this book down. I know it was probably partially driven due to the fact that I had people telling me they were waiting for my review, but it was also because I thought it was good. Surprisingly good. Especially for a first-time author.

Please note that I believe the old saying about opinions (in case you live under a rock and don’t know – they’re like assholes ‘cause everybody’s got one). I don’t fault another reviewer for having an opinion that differs from mine (and I suspect I’ll get some backlash for being an apologist of certain subjects contained in this book). Here’s the deal. I’m not easily offended –I actively seek out books containing offensive subject matter sometimes. No, I don’t mean stuff written by hate mongers and bigots – just “pushing the envelope” kind of fiction when it comes to the taboo. Some of my favorite authors push the envelope for a living – specifically Megan Abbott in the YA genre and Chuck Palahniuk when it comes to . . . well, just about everything (he’s pretty much an equal opportunity offender). Hell, my farking profile picture is me and my dead wild pig head/best buddy Mitchell reading American Psycho together - I’m pretty sure I offend WAAAAAY more people by that alone than will ever get the chance to offend me.

Also note I have zero triggers. Reading about a character doing harm to someone else (or an animal) or drinking or drugs doesn’t hit me on an emotional and/or psychological level. If a person hits a deer with their car and then shoots it to take it out of its misery I don’t think of it as animal abuse – I think of it as life in the Midwest (and I think of how I know people who would then load it in the back of their truck and take it home in order to eat it – blech). If a character says he’s “not going pretend to be some faggot crybaby” my brain doesn’t think the author is a homophobe – rather I think the author is telling me I really shouldn’t like this dude, no matter how good looking/athletic/popular/rich/etc. he’s described as being. If someone writes in their diary how “Lisa does it with everyone on the football team, but pretends she’s some sweet virgin”, I don’t immediately scream “slut shaming!!!” – instead I think boy Ruth’s a real bitch and it’s making it a lot harder to feel sorry about the fact that she’s dead. I read for my enjoyment, plain and simple, and sometimes that enjoyment comes from a “dark humored” style like No One Else Can Have You.

I’m not going to apologize for enjoying this book – and I don’t expect anyone to apologize to me for not liking it (or for not wanting to read it at all after the events that have come to light). I liked Kippy and I think I “got” her. (There’s another term that offends a lot of people – “you didn’t get it.” You know what? I “don’t get” a lot of books my friends like and vice versa – it is what it is). In my opinion – Kippy was . . . developmentally stunted maybe???? I’m not a doctor, so I have no clue what the official term for how Kippy came across to me would be. She lost her mother a very young age and went through/still is going through some serious emotional problems because of it Then you add in a psycho-babbly father who has nothing but good intentions, but instead has just made things worse rather than better over the years and you end up with Kippy – her thought processes and fixations are just a little different than most.

Add in a stream of familiar (but not copycat) characters from some of my faves:

(like the voice of William H. Macy in Fargo for Kippy’s father)

(and the über –Christian/pure awful classmate like Mandy Moore in Saved)

(and the Dianne Sawyer obsessed Kippy)

(and the bumbling cops who you just know could be convinced to do a desk-pop)

and my enjoyment level went right through the roof. Yeah, I knew who did it right away, but guess what? I didn’t give a shit ‘cause the ride to the end was so much fun. That’s not to say I found this book to be 100% problem free. No, I thought it was probably 50 pages too long and the accents really grated on me, but they were minor problems that didn’t lessen my pleasure all that much. I found myself giggle-snorting out loud a couple of times (yes, more than likely at inappropriate things) and read the entire book in one evening. Now that I’m done with the book and this review all I can think is “whyyyyy??????” Why would someone with so much talent shoot herself in the foot like this? Why that review/reviewer? Why not ignore the mediocre and flat-out bad reviews and focus on the nearly 1,000 5 and 4 Star reviews here on Goodreads instead? Why????? It’s just a shame : (

Facial by Jeff Strand

2 Stars

 

How weird is too weird for me? Welp, apparently this weird.



Carlton and Greg find themselves in one strange pickle of a situation when a face appears in the basement floor. This isn’t just a regular face either – it’s a face that is HUNGRY!



Nope, it can’t be satisfied with cheeseballs – this sucker is demanding to be fed human remains.



You’re damn skippy, uggo face.

Either I’m missing something or this one wasn’t very good. I don’t know if it was too short or what, but this was a story that didn’t really seem to have much of a point. I kept thinking eventually someone was going to figure out how to take out the face a la Bruce Campbell style



and things would go from “meh” to “a-meh-zing” (see what I did there???), but it never happened. I picked Facial up because it’s Halloweeny time (duh) and I’m a huge fan of the horror/comedy genre, but sadly it just missed the mark.

Have no fear, though, Mr. Strand. You haven’t seen the last of me yet. After reading and loving Kumquat and being a superfan of the horror novel, I have faith that I’ll have plenty of stars to drop on some of your other stuff.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Cover Your Eyes by Mary Burton

3.5 Stars

 

 “When secrets have been buried a long time there are people that don’t want them dug up.”

First things first: I DIDN’T GUESS WHO DID IT!!!!!

I read tons of less-than-stellar mysteries/thrillers so not knowing the whodunit (almost immediately, most of the time) in a novel is a HUGE deal for me. I mean, I kinda guessed that someone had something to do with the bad s*&^ going down, but I was off the mark with specifics (and for once I wasn’t thinking “well myyyy way would have been a whole heck of a lot more exciting”).

Alright, now that that is out of my system, let’s backtrack to the synopsis. Thirty years ago a beautiful country singer, perhaps on the way to stardom, was beaten to death in her home. Months of investigation and interviews followed before the body was finally discovered (headless and handless) in a wooded area and Jeb Jones was accused of committing the crime. Jeb has spent his entire time in jail professing his innocence and with the help of Rachel Wainwright and The Innocence Project, DNA samples from the crime scene are being re-tested and might just set him free – much to the displeasure of Detective Deke Morgan, a second generation cop whose father worked the murder case. The closer Rachel and Deke get to finding out the truth about Jeb Jones, the more intense the situation grows with a new string of brutal murders. Are they related? Is it a copycat? What truth (if any) will finally be revealed about a decades old murder?

Obviously I can’t give away a whole lot of other details since that would defeat the whole point of it being a “mystery,” but I can tell you this one was above average compared to lots of others I have read. Like I said, I didn’t guess the whodunit until it was pretty much laid out before me on a silver platter and this one was filled with an abundance of good (and bad) characters. The writing was very conversational, so although the stats say it’s around 400 pages, it seemed to be more like 300. It could have received 4-Stars from me were it not for a couple of things. First, the cover and the title. What the heck do they have to do with any part of this story????? And second, the re-hashing of what led Rachel to become a lawyer/begin working with The Innocence Project began to grate. I didn’t need to read snippets of Rachel’s backstory again (and again and again) – I pretty much understood the first time.

END NOTE TO MY BRAIN: Now that I’m finished reading this book about blonde-haired female country singers, will you pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase make “Before He Cheats” stop playing in an endless loop in my brain????? Pretty please?

 

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

Bloodletters and Badmen by Jay Robert Nash

4 Stars

This book is exactly what the cover says – an encyclopedia. If you are the owner of a very small and über annoying dog like me, I recommend not dropping it whilst said tiny critter is prancing around your feet lest you end up in the next edition as the “Great Puppy Killer of ’14.”

If you’re looking for in-depth coverage of your favorite bad guy, then this isn’t the book for you. If you’re looking to scare the poop out of your new neighbors with an abundance of horrifying knowledge about a lot of different criminals, or you’re seeking some quality material to peruse while sitting on the “porcelain throne,” then this is probably a good choice.

Let’s face it, as morbid as it is to admit - murderers are fascinating.

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

5 Stars

 

PLEASE NOTE THIS REVIEW IS ABOUT A BOOK THAT BECAME ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR MOVIES OF ALL TIME MORE THAN 20 YEARS AGO, GROSSED OVER A BILLION DOLLARS AND CHANGED THE WAY WE LOOKED AT SPECIAL EFFECTS FOREVER. IF YOU CONSIDER ANYTHING IN MY REVIEW A “SPOILER,” THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE YOU WERE CREATED IN A LAB FROM SOME FOSSILIZED AMBER.

It all begins with a billionaire with a big imagination and a lot of spare money lying around. By dropping a ton of dollars into the biotechnology field and really thinking outside the box when it comes to the wheres and hows of DNA sample collection – John Hammond has figured out how to bring dinosaurs back from extinction and now dreams of creating a theme park unlike any other. What he didn’t plan on was the fact that science is often unpredictable . . .

“The history of evolution is that life escapes all barriers. Life breaks free. Life expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously . . .”

Now on to my super literary review:

I honestly believed I had read this book back when the movie came out. It turns out my brain foiled me once again and I actually had not. Bottom line: senile brain = bad, reading Jurassic Park = good.

Man oh man I had no clue what I had been missing. Spare me your “oh but it’s sooooooo science-y and I got bored before the story really took off” or the “you do know there is no way this could ever really happen, right????” talk. I don’t care. Yes, it is super science-y and yes, dinosaurs still aren’t free-ranging on an island off the shores of Costa Rica, but it doesn't change the fact that this book is phenomenal.

I had given Spielberg so much credit (even knowing his film was based off of this book), but the credit is all owed to Michael Crichton. Not only are the characters/dialogue/etc. ripped right out of the book, but Crichton did it so much better. Sure, certain unforgettable scenes were created purely by Spielberg

 

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but there are literally HUNDREDS of pages of action that were not included in the motion picture, additional plot twists, new dinosaurs and other surprises to prove to all that Crichton’s original was sheer genius. In fact, after reading Jurassic Park I questioned why some parts of the original were ever changed for the film at all. Of course I realize that not every page of a book can be included in a movie adaptation, but the changes in Lex and Tim’s characters were unnecessary and the changes to Hammond are almost unforgiveable. Hammond was never meant to be portrayed as a well-intended old fool, but rather a mad scientist much like Dr. Moreau. I’ll refrain from saying more as to not spoil the reading experience for all, but trust me when I say if you liked the movie, you’re going to love the book.

I know, Jeff. I know. It’s hard for me too.

Copy provided by my local library who deserves a shout out since their “what you should be reading” pop-up screen finally picked a book I might actually like.

Here’s a bonus Dr. Malcolm gif for everyone who realizes he’s the sexiest mathematician to ever walk the Earth . . .

He can chaos my theory anytime.