Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Vampire Diaries by L.J. Smith

1 Star
I actually read The Fury and Dark Reunion as some all-for-one-price box set thing from Barnes & Noble, but I’m too stupid to find the set I actually read, so I’m only posting a “review” (if you can even call it that) for the first two.

Here’s what you should do with these books:

(1) Don’t waste your time reading them – they are pretty much terrible;

(2) Okay, you ignored my advice and are going to read them anyway? That’s cool. Read them while lounging at the pool (preferably with some sort of rum drink in hand to counteract the awful you are about to experience);

(3) Once you realize I was right and these are a steaming pile of turd, “accidentally” drop said book in the pool and then make a valiant effort to fish it back out;

(4) Bring waterlogged book back home, allow to dry, and rather than tossing it in the trash, give it new life as a book wreath. Then bask in the good vibes you feel being sent down from lumber heaven by the tree who so gallantly gave its life to become such a crap book

(Ermine optional, but highly recommended);

(5) Forget everything I told you about how bad the book version of The Vampire Diaries is and go watch every episode of the television series. Not only is the T.V. version a better story, it has 100% more Boone (if you get this reference, request my friendship IMMEDIATELY)

and if you know who Paul Denton is I’ll freaking marry you (apologies in advance for providing my current spouse with any unwanted brother-husbands).


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