The Cactus by Sarah Haywood

4 Stars

After seeing a couple of low-ratings from my Goodreads’ friends I opted to put The Cactus on the backburner and made my request to the library when I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down the wait list – despite the fact that . . . . .



God am I a sucker for famous people telling me what to read.

I think the main issue people have with this book (and soooooooo many others that are using #ifyoulikedeleanoroliphant as their main selling feature), is that the reason books like Eleanor Oliphant fly off the shelves and receive such an enormous response from the book community is they stand out because THEY ARE DIFFERENT. It’s great to be the first - just ask Gillian Flynn and her Gone Girl. The timing of this release after eleventy thousand other Eleanors had already come out probably didn’t help. And while there are similarities – mainly in the form of . . . .



The two characters aren’t really all that much alike. While “the spectrum” can be pinpointed in a lot of Eleanor-compared stories, in this case Susan’s personality was much more easily blamed on nurture rather than nature. The main point of the story is regarding Susan’s plan to fight for her half of the inheritance her mother (per the aforementioned issues) left to her brother upon her death. Because of her upbringing, Susan doesn’t have much time for interpersonal relationships, her sense of humor is dry and she has a pretty matter-of-fact way of looking at things. Basically . . . . .



Exceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeept for the whoopsie baby she just so happens to find herself pregnant with. Good lord, if I found out at 45 I was going to have an accidental baby????



That right there is the stuff of nightmares.

Bottom line, if you don’t like Susan’s voice, you won’t like this book. I kind of loved her. And of course all the good feely feels end up coming out and the ending is just great and I am a big ol’ sap deep down despite having a grizzly bear exterior so 4 Stars it is.

P.S. Am I the only one who sees Tori Spelling every time I look at the thumbnail of this cover????

The Lesser Dead by Christopher Buehlman

4 Stars

“If you’re looking for a story about nice people doing nice things, this isn’t for you.”

Or if you’re more into the sparkly types of vampires (trust me no hate here – even though I am #teamjacob), this probably isn’t for you either. Buuuuuuuuut, if you have been following me and the Great ‘Salem’s Lot Wrongread of 2019 . . . .



You’ll know that this was exactly what I needed to fix my doldrums and definitely made me know when it comes to vampire stories . . . .



And yes, that’s a real thing. Unfortunately, I work with losers so no one got the joke, but I was informed the following probably wasn’t appropriate for the Annual Ugly Sweater Contest and I had to get a back-up . . . .



Where was I???? Oh yeah, this book I liked.

The story here is narrated by young (sorta) Joseph. Turned at 14, Jacob has made his tenure as a vampire successful by posing as a lost wittle soccer player some of the time and charming the pants (sometimes quite literally) as someone a bit older (therefore less child rapey) the remainder. But his favorite method of passing the time, while simultaneously filling his belly, is when he drops in on the Baker family every Tuesday night at 9:30 where they all gather around the tube to watch their favorite show . . . .



Did I fail to mention this story takes place in 1978? Whoops. Well, it does. In the best way possible too. You don’t get beaten over the head (like me going Gangnam Style on that poor horse above), but are reminded ocassionally in the best possible way. Like 13 cent Valley Forge stamps are the preferred method to send correspondence (eeek, written letters – DARK AGES!), the hottest new release in fiction was The Thorn Birds (be still my blaspheming Father Ralph lovin’ heart), the end all be all place to be on a Friday night was . . . .



And . . . .

“Just thinking about sticking my nose in that big, honey-colored shag of hair on Robert Plant made me pop a boner. A really hard, uncomfortable one, and in my tight jeans, too. I tried to pretend it was for the foxy, spaced-out Mexican girl hip-grinding near me in her midriff shirt and turquoise rings, slinky and stinking of patchouli, but no dice. My dead pecker was hard for Robert Plant.”


Joseph lives in the depths of the subway tunnels with fellow vamps Margaret, Old Boy, Baldy, Luna, Ruth, Cvetko, Billy Bang – but there are some new kids in town known as the Penny Dreadfuls . . . .



Who live in a different part of NYC . . . .



They are H.U.N.G.R.Y - and something’s gonna have to be done about them . . . .

“I have always felt that whoever turns anyone less than thirteen needs to be taken sunbathing.”

This had something for every horror lover. Gore, great characters, humor, action, ORIGIN STORY (that’s like seeing a fucking unicorn in real life), and on and on and on. 4 Solid Stars – maybe even 4.5.

Mile 81 by Stephen King

1 Star

I give up. After having a very not-so-great time with ‘salem’s Lot last week I thought the easiest way to turn my frown upside down was with a newer Stephen King and a nice little shorty that’s been popping up on my recommendations list ever since I enjoyed (definitely not the right word – can you truly enjoy something that makes you dry-heave??? – so let’s change that to “high starred”) In the Tall Grass.

To say I did not enjoy this would be a severe understatement. It was so bad it was nearly embarrassing. It was also very apparent that poor Uncle Stevie might have grown a little out of touch when it comes to . . . I was gonna say kids/what they like to do/how they talk, but then I remembered he also included an adult character who advertised her gayness in the form of a big ol’ pink gay bumper sticker so he might just not be awake period . . . . .



Whatever the case may be – me having back-to-back negative reactions to The King has been awkward to say the least . . . .



I’m all for a gory good time and 80 pages of bodycount, but the car thing has been beaten to death by you Stephen. And the big “alien” reveal? I can only assume this happened sometime in your past for it to be your preferred fallback crutch . . . .

The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James

5 Stars

“This place is dark.”

“Some of us like the dark. It’s what we know.”
Me immediately prior to reading this book . . . .



If you follow my reviews, you know I’ve been kind of in a book slump – especially when it comes to wrongreading giant hits that everyone else all over the intertubes have been loving. I attempted to lower my expectations before starting this one (I didn’t fall head-over-heels for The Broken Girls so I was trying to be realistic), but damn the cover alone had me like “Hey Girl.” In fact, that was the only thing I knew about this before starting. What I found upon opening her up???

Mysteries that take place in dual timelines. The then is told from Viv back in 1982. Viv left home in hopes of becoming a famous actress in NYC, but ended up as the night watchperson at the Sun Down Motel in Fell, New York instead. The now is told by Viv’s niece Carly. Carly is a hobbyist with a focus on true crime. The fact that her own aunt went poof in the night never to be heard from again is fuel to her websleuthing nature and she has traveled to Fell in hopes of finding some answers regarding Viv’s disappearance.

Then there’s the motel . . . .



With lights that turn on and off, locked doors that randomly get thrown open, yelling and pounding in rooms with no checked-in guests, a little boy who appears sans parents and the occasional smell of cigarettes despite the place being no smoking was just what Momma needed. After all . . . .



(Which leads me to – WHY THE EFF DOES THIS NOT COME OUT UNTIL FEBRUARY???? It’s the perfect October mystery.)

The entire time I was reading this I couldn’t wait to call my real-life book buddies and tell them . . . . .



It didn’t matter that I figured out the twist behind the whodunit . . . .



It didn’t matter that there was a moment of . . . .



It didn’t matter that regular civilians were trying to solve this old shit themselves . . . .



Mainly because the snooping in both the past and the present made sense and it wasn’t like either timeline had a bunch of inside knowledge or outside help. They used things like newspaper clippings, the internet and a dang phone book to link clues together.

Bottom line is I loved every thing about this. It was the perfect book at the perfect time. I read it in about 14 seconds and was pretty bummed when it was over so it gets every star. And today I shall bask in the glory that . . . .



I DO NOT SUCK A TURTLE!!!!

ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

The Lager Queen of Minnesota by J. Ryan Stradal

4.5 Stars

“I want to die doing this.”

“Me too. I want to be found in a pool of my own beer.”



I would have not even heard of this book if it weren’t for the glowing reviews by JanB and Marialyce, so I’m going to channel my inner Golden Girl and tell them “thank you for being a friend.” I’m not going to say a whole lot here, but encourage you all to go to their pages because they are way better at words than I am.

What I will say is if some random bookseller had tried to push a story told by two sisters and one granddaughter that timehopped sporadically from the 1950s to the present the odds of me actually leaving the store with said book would have been slim to nill. And if that bookseller added on the fact that the focus was going to be about brewing craft beers??? Well . . . .



There’s definitely a lot of beer talk in this too. From the various types hops to measurements to brew times and temps. But I’m telling you it didn’t bog me down at all. And if a girl who cut her teeth on $.75 ‘Stones (in a jelly jar rather than a can for the classy set) didn’t give a rip about all this hipster nonsense regarding stouts and IPAs, well then I highly doubt the rest of you will either . . . .




I can’t really pinpoint exactly why this one worked so well for me. Maybe because I was raised by salt of the earth types of women like these (one who ran a local fruit and vegetable market – one who rose before dawn to run the local donut shop). Maybe because I can relate to family members who can go years without speaking. Maybe because I’ve always had to provide an honest day’s work to earn an honest day’s dollar. Maybe because in a world where feminists are often labeled as “feminazis” it was refreshing to see a group of gals who simply fought the good fight and truly did break the glass ceiling without that even being their main intention. Maybe even more so that a man wrote these characters so there’s hope that everyone will eventually just “get it.” Maybe because it made me have feelings without making me feel like I was being manipulated into having them. Maybe because it made me grateful for finding folks like the ones mentioned above who bring books like this into my life. Whatever the case, I loved it . . . . .



I still don’t like IPAs though.

'Salem's Lot by Stephen King

2 Stars

Two Stars for the King. In October, no less. For a vampire book. I anxiously await comments such as these . . . . .



The story here is about a man named Ben who lived in a place called Jerusalem’s Lot (located about 20 miles north of Portland) back when he was just a kid. An experience with a place known to the locals as the Marsten House has always stuck with Ben and now as an adult (and as an author), he returns thinking there might be a story there. What he could never expect is his return to the Lot coinciding with another new arrival in town which would eventually result in nearly the entire population becoming . . . . .



Sounds great, right? Yeah, well when I was a teenager I thought it was. I think I’ve officially learned my lesson as far as re-reading Uncle Stevie goes. I’m not so sure I would be a fan of a lot of these books now that I’m an adult. This one definitely missed the mark. I knew things weren’t going great almost immediately since the first 150 pages were dedicated to introducing a billion one-dimensional characters simply for the point of being able to recognize the future victims . . . . TWO HUNDRED PAGES LATER. (My recollection is I enjoyed this set-up in Needful Things, but I’ll be damned if I voluntarily wrongread that one again just to make sure!) And even when it looked like he might be picking up the pace . . . .



All the action was either fade-to-black or completely done off-page. Talk about a snoozefest. Boring vampires. That just shouldn’t happen.

This also didn’t stand the test of time well. It was soooooooooooooooooooo campy. And not in an intentional way like . . . . .



Like, at one point this was (even to me) considered to be primo writing. But now?????

“Ben?”

“Yes.”

“Make love to me? Do you want to?”

“Yes,” he said. “I want that.”

“Here on the grass,” she said.

“Yes.”

She was looking up at him, her eyes wide in the dark. She said, “Make it be good.”

“I’ll try.”

So. Awkward.

I was going to go ahead and give this 3 Stars, but I read the version that contains all the stuff that found its way to the cutting room floor rather than the book and that is where all the effing interesting stuff was apparently left so I’m giving this 2. Bottom line . . . .



Save your trolling. I’ll most likely just tell you to go F*&^ your own mother and then block your dumbass so you can’t come at me twice. For anyone else who may be skeered to post your honest opinions, here’s my advice to you . . . .

 

Hangman by Jack Heath

5 Stars

Gather ‘round little weirdos, because boy oh boy do I have a book recommendation for you! In a season of meh 2 and 3 Star selections, Imma take you on the (sorta) wayback machine to a book I read and failed to review back on my berfday. Allow me to introduce you to a new favorite antihero – Timothy . . . .



Yes please. And not only does Timothy have a decidedly different palate, he also has an eidetic memory on a whole ‘notha level which makes him able to see things that are out of place. This bizarre “superpower” (for lack of a better term) has made Timothy allies with a most unlikely group – the FBI. Brought in as a last resort on their most time sensitive and impossible-to-solve cases, Timothy only requires one thing as payment . . . .



But, have no fear, our Timothy has morals much like another well-loved character . . . .



You see, he satisfies his cravings (with the aforementioned inside assistance) via Death Row inmates. They get executed – Timothy gets dinner. Win win situation right there.

And the backstory that explains what made Timothy the Timothy he is today???? Well, that is one that will have all you freaks going . . . .



This first selection in the series focuses on a missing child, an impending deadline for when the ransom is due and Timothy being partnered up with a blast from his past. Not only was this sucker different than anything else, it was also a whipsmart crime novel with a whodunit reveal that had me like . . . .



All the Stars.