Monday, August 24, 2015

Others & Oddities by Edward Lorn

3.807692 Stars (I’m like Rainman with my averaging abilities here.)

Before I even begin, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I RECEIVED A FREE ADVANCED COPY OF THIS BOOK FROM EDWARD LORN. That’s because Mitchell and I are his #1 Fans . . .

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Traditionally I haven't been a big fan of short stories – and I’m really not one when it comes to short story collections. I find them to be teensie little amuse-bouches – they merely whet my appetite for MOREMOREMOREMOREMORE. Turns out I’m even worse at reviewing them (Whoops! Sorry Ed).

All of the stories contained in Others & Oddities are delightful little horrorcapades which I will “review” (hahahahaha – that term is being used as loosely as possible here). (Shut your pieholes gif haters and go ‘head and block my s*&^ from yo feed if you’re that offended by imagery.)

No Such Thing - 2.5 Stars

A little tale of a doctor who is hired to birth the twin of a billionaire who was eaten in the womb . . .

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I knew where this one was going which resulted in a fun, but unfortunately predictable ride.

Now I’ve Seen Everything - 3 Stars

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Hehehehehehe and . . .

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That is all.

Cinder Block - 4.5 Stars

The pop culture references abound and get ready for some Easter Eggs, kids . . . .

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We return to Bay’s End for this delightful little mindf*^% which loses half a star only because I wanted it to be a full novel instead of a short. Mitchell and I are also quite possibly the only two sickos who got a chuckle out of this story and it’s references to what can happen when one experiences seeing some . . . . errrrrr, unacceptable behavior one too many times . . . .

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Blah-Doop - 2 Stars

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This one is so short I ain’t writing a diddly dang dong thing to fart it up.

The Morning Dew - 4 Stars

Who doesn’t remember playing some “Hot Lava” as a kid????

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Just me? Whatever.

Again, I wanted more. This was a good ‘un.

The Red Door on Market Street - 3.5 Stars

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"Ask not for whom the bell red door tolls, it tolls for thee"

Full Moon Over Cedar Hill - 5 Stars

Previously read. Full review from August, 2014:

First things first – No one will ever be able to write a more Scoobylicious review of this story than my friend Shelby .

I know I literally just posted a review where I said I don’t read self-pubbed books, or stuff by my friends, or blah blah blah blah blah, but I’m telling you that this is a different circumstance. See Edward Lorn isn’t my friend. I simply stalk him on Goodreads.

Sooooo, what’s this little tale about? It’s about a paralyzed stroke victim, currently residing in a nursing home, who finds himself in the middle of a scene straight from a horror movie. Who you gonna call in a case like this?

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No – they can’t do diddly shit when it comes to saving you from what’s roaming around these halls.

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I finally got around to reading Full Moon Over Cedar Hill because I had a whopping 15 minutes to spare and, at 15 pages, this was the perfect selection. And perfect it was. Perfect length, perfect main character, perfect timing, perfect suspense. Perfection.

This one had a bit of everything.

Quotable quotes?

“Not this day, Death, you wily motherfucker!”


The ending I was hoping for?

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A bonus Bob Ross reference?

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And now I’m officially smitten with Mr. Lorn’s work. This only costs a buck. Go buy it.

Got Your Goat - 2.5 Stars

Again, previously read. Full review HERE, but really all you need to know is . . . .

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The Scare Rows - 1 Star

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Nope. Just nope. This one wasn’t for me.

On the Rails - 4 Stars

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Once again, I knew where this one was headed, but I didn’t mind and would like to see Rufus’ adventures continued somewhere down the rails.

Trailer - 5 Stars

Previously read. Full review from February, 2015:

If you’re currently residing in an Arctic Tundra where the daily snowfall is measured in feet rather than inches, you might want to put Trailer away until the Spring melt . . .

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But if you’re lucky enough to live in flyover country where the daily temps have been hovering around the 70 degree mark, you’re probably ready to feel a little chill.

And what a chill you will feel. Right down your spine. This story is only 16 pages long, so I’m not going to give much away. As the blurb says: “The less you know, the better.”I will say that I hate short stories. Almost as much as I hate that godawful Zulily ad that pops up every time I log on to Goodreads with the chubster in the white stretch pants. As a chubby woman I can say the following with respect to the okay-ness of that outfit: IT’S NOT!

Now where was I? Oh yeah, hating shorts with a fiery passion. Somehow Edward Lorn makes these brief glimpses into his characters’ lives feel so much longer than a few pages. Not to mention the fact that his momma obviously didn’t teach him to write about no sissies . . .

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Hell yes she will! I’ll never look at “cranberries floating in cream” the same way again . . . but I might tell my husband to give this one a little gander and then offer him up a bowl full if he torks me off ; )

You want to know the best part about reading something by Edward Lorn? One of these days I’ll be able to say “I knew him when.” It’s not a question of IF he’ll make it big. It’s a matter of WHEN he’ll make it big.

DISCLAIMER: I know Edward Lorn. I’m proud to call him my friend. I don’t rate his books due to this relationship (but if I had a gun to the head moment and had to rate this one I’d give it all 5).

This story was Kelly tested and Mitchell approved!

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“Come on,” he said. “It’ll be fun,” he said. “We’ll both do the ducklips!” Never trust a pig!

Just Short of Paradise - 5 Stars

A story of the rapture . . . .

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and mayhaps the only time I will declare a short story’s brevity part of what made it perfect.

What Comes Around Goes Around - 3.5 Stars

Revenge is a dish best served with extra tentacles . . .

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Crawl - 4 Stars


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With a bonus of quite possibly one of the most fitting quotes for Mitchell and I to ever come across . . .

“You can’t help the pets you fall in love with, eh, child? You feed them, nurture them, give them toys to play with, and they take over your very existence.”

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What can I say about my feelings toward Ed’s books????

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The math says 3.807692 Stars. Obviously I’m rounding up to 4. Up soon . . . . Life After Dane . . .

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(^^^That’s my version of grabby hands in case you couldn’t figure it out.)

ARC provided Edward Lorn in exchange for an honest review. 
Many thanks, Ed!

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