Deal Breakers by Laura Lee

2 Stars

“Okay, here’s the thing. I’m a virgin. And you need to relieve me of that.” Riley sprays beer from his mouth all over the table. “The fuck you say?”

WARNING: THIS REVIEW IS GOING TO CONTAIN AN INORDINATE NUMBER OF GIFS – EVEN FOR ME. AND ALSO SPOILERS (IF A ROMANCE NOVEL CAN EVEN BE “SPOILED” SINCE THEY ALL USE THE SAME TIRED TROPES).

Riley and Devin meet on their second week at Nike U . . .


(GO DUCKS!)

Riley is the resident manwhore, Devyn is the vestal virgin. Riley invites Devyn to the local watering hole. . . .



He wants to bang. She’s just looking for a friend. Devyn decides Riley fits the bill because . . .

“Sitting here with him, I feel like I’ve known him forever.”



Over the next four years the two become besties until the day before graduation when Devyn asks Riley for a big favor – to deflower her. Fast forward to five years later where we find out that Devyn was left with a little souvenir from their one night of passion . . .



Okay. So I didn’t like this one a whole lot, but that doesn’t mean everyone else won’t. Here are several reasons why it didn't work for me.

1. I didn’t like the main characters, but especially Riley. He was a disgusting pig and I don’t believe he would have stopped being so just by getting older. I also can’t get on board with the I had a whoopsie baby and tried to call the dude once and never bothered leaving a message or telling him so now he’s a giant scumbag and I hate him and will forever call him . . . .



Seriously? Grow up.

2. Feeding the other dessert, going to the hotel from 50 Shades (barf – if anything would make my underbits dry up like the Sahara that would be it), rose petals, champagne, etc. . . . .



3. The sex. Is “one looooong lick down the center” sexy? Am I the only person who pictures this . . .



And then wants to vomit?

How about biting the most sensitive bud in a woman’s lady garden? Or sucking on said part until it’s flat against the roof of his mouth?????



Just me???

4. A very active wiener. His wang did a lot of “stirring” and “jumping” and . . .


(insert dubstep)

5. Pacing . . . .



This book goes from a womanizer to friends to baby surprise to the break-up of existing relationship to the make-up of old relationship to engagement in like 14.7 seconds which ends with . . . .



Really the only thing that I loved? The kid . . .



He was a funny foul-mouthed little bastard.

I also realized I’m even older than I thought because I have no idea what a “Fireball” is. In my head it’s always been something like this . . .



but this book kept telling me it was alcohol.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!