Thursday, November 12, 2015

Firsts by Laurie Elizabeth Flynn

1 Star
As a lover of all things D.U.F.F. (shaddup, Erica) and Easy A I thought my enjoyment of Firsts was nearly guaranteed. Guess that’s what I get for thinking, huh?

“At Milton High, I’m my own statistic. People fail to see the great equalizer, the one thing the band geeks, the drama nerds, the jocks, and the preppies all have in common. Me – Mercedes Ayres. The girl who took their virginity.”

Yep, Mercedes decided to do a little philanthropy work her Senior year of high school. Turns out many of the boys at Milton High had the same problem . . .

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At first Mercedes was going to . . . . assist only five fellas, but she blew right past that and ended up with a list consisting of The Biter, The Nervous Giggler, The Screamer, The Watcher, The Preacher, The Dirty Talker, The Acrobat, The Crier, The Gamer, and Tommy Hudson. Ten is the hard limit for Mercedes, though. Well, at least it was going to be until Trevor Johnston came asking for help as well. And then the foreign exchange student. And Jeremy Roth. And The Bad Actor. Seems every boy in school has one thing on their mind . . .

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And HERE is where I just lose my shit because WTF am I reading? It’s bad enough this girl is “deflowering” boys (WHO ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS!!!!!), but when all these randos start sniffing around her honeypot she doesn’t get suspicious at all how errrrryone knows she’s the gal who will respond to that hotline bling? And then? THEN someone fills her in on the big revelation that . . .

“These things always get out, sooner or later.”

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That’s the moment Mercedes gets all “rut roh, Raggy.” Seriously bitch? OF COURSE it’s going to get out. You can’t have sex with FIFTEEN other girls’ boyfriends at the SAME. DAMN. HIGH. SCHOOL. without it getting out. Dear Mercedes,

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Of course, it all comes out in the end (even though anyone with half a working brain cell can see it from like page two) that Mercedes had a superbadawful happen that made her do what she did. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, there’s no reason to get therapy and deal with fixing her obviously severe mental problems relating to said superbadawful as long as she can continue blaming everything on her absentee mother . . .

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get into the college of her dreams, and end up with an awesome boyfriend at the end . . .

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I'm all for pushing the genre envelope, but not when a book makes me feel like I'm even dumber than I was before I started reading it.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

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