Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover

1 Star

 

A 4.38 average on Goodreads, you say? Yeah, that sounds about par for the course on books I rate 1 Star. Now, before everyone goes all cuckoo crazy I need to ask a favor . . . .



Don’t’ tar and feather me just yet. I’m actually one of you and have fangirled over CoHo in the past (see EXHIBIT A). In fact, the only story I didn’t like was Never Never and that was more because it was a serial (which I hate) and it didn’t have enough storyline in part one to keep me interested in obtaining a copy of part 2.

I didn’t like one diddly dang dong thing about Maybe Someday, though, and it began immediately with a tired trope that was just not cool with me . . .



Again, put the buckets of pig blood down. This tired trope has worked for me in the past (see EXHIBIT B ). It just has to be done the right way for me. THIS might be (and judging by the ratings obviously was) the right way for most everyone else.

When Sydney discovers her live-in boyfriend has been banging her bestie on the side, she finds herself jobless and homeless. Left out in the rain with nowhere to go, neighbor Ridge saves the day. Ridge and Sydney have been “communicating” via music through the courtyard for a bit, which has also given Ridge a front-row seat for the “extracurricular activities” Sydney’s significant other has been dabbling in on the side. He feels sorry for her so he (and his roommates) offer Sydney a place to stay. Soon Ridge discovers Sydney has a flair for writing song lyrics – something he has always done until a severe case of writer’s block kicked it. Working so closely together, it doesn’t take long for the two to realize they have an undeniable attraction to each other. But Ridge has a long-term girlfriend . . . .



Therein lies the rub. What exactly constitutes cheating? Well, as far as I’m concerned if I found my out my husband/boyfriend/whatever was spending his evenings lying in bed, making sweet, sweet music with another chick and due to . . . . reasons found it necessary to do things like wrap his arms around her or rest his hand across her heaving bosom in order to really “feeeeeeel” the music I’d probably react kinda like this . . .



And as soon as Sydney said “I will never, ever do that to another girl” I knew I was going to get more than a lil’ bit ragey. Unfortunately . . .



But enough about that. Let’s move on to the other thing that ruined this book for me – the music. While I appreciate CoHo’s use of “mixed media” in each of her stories (especially in EXHIBIT C), it didn’t work for me this time around. The lyrics were super cheese-a-riffic and the whole idea really jumped the shark once I discovered there was a song entitled “Trouble” . . . .



I thought maybe it was just a case of needing the music rather than just reading the words so I took a couple of minutes to You Tube the songs themselves and see what they sounded like. What I discovered? Nah, nah honey I’m good. I can definitely live without any of those on my iTunes playlist. (Please note I’m also a middle-aged woman who doesn’t like Adele. I should probably burn myself at the stake.) When I hear that songs are supposed to make me feely, they need to be feeeely. However, the feels I like to feel are things like anger : )

“Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time!
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire.”  

Yeah, I’m nuts. Don’t get it twisted that I think that is a “sexy” song, though ‘cause it’s not. The video on the other hand . . .



Aruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuga!

The point I’m trying to make is that it stirs emotion and these songs didn’t. I don’t want to make with the sexy to whiny crybaby songs by Bieber (only Erica gets off on that). I want to do the dirty to The Weekend . . .



Well, at least I did until it got ruined for me by being added to the 50 Shades soundtrack. Then (much like with the "romance" in this book), my snatch was all like . . .



Bottom line is I hated this story (I know I was pretty vague up there so you might have had a hard time reading between the lines), but I’m still a fan of CoHo. Not every book works for every reader. Luckily at Goodreads you have the ability to read tons of different personal opinions (NONE of which are wrong). This one was already on your TBR? Definitely still read it. It wasn’t, but now you’re intrigued? Add it to the TBR. Hate that my opinion differs from yours and now you’re butthurt????



Ha! I keeeeeed. Well, kind of.

Wait For You by Jennifer L. Armentrout

1 Star

 

WARNING: I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATED THIS BOOK WITH A FIERY PASSION. IF YOU LOVED IT, YOU PROBABLY WON’T LIKE THIS REVIEW. ALSO – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

Still here? Alrighty then . . .



On motherf-ing page THREE we have our meet/cute where the girl literally runs into the boy and I discover this story will be one of my most hated of all tropes – a “superbadawful happened long long ago that new love interest will magically fix with all of his wonderfulness as well as his magic penis.”

By page thirty girl and boy have discovered they have class together, have been paired up as partners in said class, realized they are also neighbors (how convenient), and that boy must be a werewolf because he’s always half naked . . .



And while we don’t learn exactly what the superbadawful was, we do learn that the MC moved across the country in order to get away from the rumor mill in her hometown and that the alleged perpetrator’s name was Blaine . . .



Exactly.

We then run through 11,842 pages of NOTHING! Well okay, not nothing. We have a female lead who obviously has some form of PTSD and severe trust issues, but who is always 100% willing to put herself in potentially unsafe situations by hanging out solo with the new neighbor. Uhhhhh, ever heard of Ted Bundy you dumb twat? Just ‘cause he’s good looking doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in murdering you while pretending you’re going to be working on Astronomy homework together. We also have a male MC who has a reputation for being a real panty dropper and proves he is such by calling our female lead “sweetheart” (vomit) constantly and by making her eggs on Sundays without even asking for a handjob first . . .



But there’s still a LOT of nothing except pining away and what had to be a horrific case of blueballs which eventually culminates in the big moment when the dude finally got his payoff in the form of our leading lady’s V-Card. (Turns out only her butt virginity was taken from her by the perp, so score one for the new boy-next-door *eye roll*.) Which leads to the best moment of the entire book – UNPROTECTED FIRST TIME SEX. Oh, what a joy that was to read . . .



This book was a pile of shit. It not only wasted WAAAAAY too much of my precious reading time on a bunch of filler, but it was the worst example of what “romance” should be based on. Dear Authors, STOP romanticizing rape and making a big ol’ peen be the cure-all for these f*&^ed up girls and their mental problems. As for this particular story????



The worst part is I really have no one to blame but myself since I totally had a “challenge accepted” moment and agreed to buddy read this turd. Thanks to my girl Karlene for suffering along with me . . . .



And to you, Dino Jess . . .



Soooooooooooooo many baby reindeer were murdered because of you. I mean, just look at what I had to do in order to regain my happy . . .















I hope you’re pleased with yourself.


ORIGINAL "REVIEW":

The things I let my so-called "friends" talk me into. Give me a second to prepare myself for this . . .



Annnnnnnnnnnnd let the very appropriately timed Friday the 13th buddy-read with Jess and Karly commence!

Closets by Julio Alexi Genao

5 Stars

 

“the streets i used to walk by myself, keeping my head down and my eyes on the sidewalk in front of me… now, i walked them with him. with my head up.

and my eyes on him.”



I’m going to steal a line from my pal Vivan: This story was like the TARDIS - soooooooooooooo much bigger on the inside and it made me as happy as Bill Cosby with a new scrip for Quaaludes a giant hoagie . . .



It made me as smiley as Drake when he had Nikki Minaj’s big ol’ breastesses pressed up against him . . .



And definitely NOT like how he felt when Madonna wrapped her creepy Gollum arms around him and shoved her 87 year old tongue down his throat . . .



It’s short, it’s charming, and best of all - IT’S FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! . . .



Shelby turned me on to this, after Susan turned her on to it (and like eleventy-three of my other friends have already read this too). Apparently the trolls are right – it truly is just one big circle jerk around here : )

Firsts by Laurie Elizabeth Flynn

1 Star

 

As a lover of all things D.U.F.F. (shaddup, Erica) and Easy A I thought my enjoyment of Firsts was nearly guaranteed. Guess that’s what I get for thinking, huh?

“At Milton High, I’m my own statistic. People fail to see the great equalizer, the one thing the band geeks, the drama nerds, the jocks, and the preppies all have in common. Me – Mercedes Ayres. The girl who took their virginity.”

Yep, Mercedes decided to do a little philanthropy work her Senior year of high school. Turns out many of the boys at Milton High had the same problem . . .



At first Mercedes was going to . . . . assist only five fellas, but she blew right past that and ended up with a list consisting of The Biter, The Nervous Giggler, The Screamer, The Watcher, The Preacher, The Dirty Talker, The Acrobat, The Crier, The Gamer, and Tommy Hudson. Ten is the hard limit for Mercedes, though. Well, at least it was going to be until Trevor Johnston came asking for help as well. And then the foreign exchange student. And Jeremy Roth. And The Bad Actor. Seems every boy in school has one thing on their mind . . .



And HERE is where I just lose my shit because WTF am I reading? It’s bad enough this girl is “deflowering” boys (WHO ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS!!!!!), but when all these randos start sniffing around her honeypot she doesn’t get suspicious at all how errrrryone knows she’s the gal who will respond to that hotline bling? And then? THEN someone fills her in on the big revelation that . . .

“These things always get out, sooner or later.”



That’s the moment Mercedes gets all “rut roh, Raggy.” Seriously bitch? OF COURSE it’s going to get out. You can’t have sex with FIFTEEN other girls’ boyfriends at the SAME. DAMN. HIGH. SCHOOL. without it getting out. Dear Mercedes,



Of course, it all comes out in the end (even though anyone with half a working brain cell can see it from like page two) that Mercedes had a superbadawful happen that made her do what she did. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, there’s no reason to get therapy and deal with fixing her obviously severe mental problems relating to said superbadawful as long as she can continue blaming everything on her absentee mother . . .



get into the college of her dreams, and end up with an awesome boyfriend at the end . . .



I'm all for pushing the genre envelope, but not when a book makes me feel like I'm even dumber than I was before I started reading it.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you, NetGalley!

Beasts of No Nation by Uzodinma Iweala

4 Stars

 

“Nobody is really telling how old they are anymore. All we are knowing is that, before the war we are children and now we are not.”

First, I have to admit finishing this book on Veteran’s Day is some seriously f*&^%d up timing. Second, this is a story that is written in a type of “Pidgin English” – you’re either going to go with the flow of it or you’re going to hate it. Third, I thought this was a memoir. I had no idea it was written by a dude who grew up in America and went to Harvard. Sometimes it pays to know nearly nada before starting a book.

I came across Beasts of No Nation due to my non-book-reading-husband’s recommendation. He’s a movie buff/Netflix addict and had watched the film version a week or so ago. He also never tells me what I should read because he knows my TBR already extends to infinity and beyond. When he said this was a must read I knew I had to get it ASAP.

This is the story of Agu, the son of a teacher growing up in a West African village . . .



When word of war begins to spread, the villagers pack up their wives and daughters and send them to a refugee camp. It isn’t long before the rumors of war become a terrifying reality and the adult men, including Agu’s father, are forced to “dance” by the TAKA TAKA TAKA of the machine guns – leaving only the young boys behind . . .



The remainder of the story is about Agu’s life as a child soldier . . . .



and it’s a real heartbreaker . . .

“I am not saying many thing because I am knowing too many terrible thing to be saying to you. I am seeing more terrible thing than ten thousand men and I am doing more terrible thing than twenty thousand men. So, if I am saying these thing, then it will be making me to sadding too much . . . I am wanting to be happy in this life because of everything I am seeing. I am just wanting to be happy.”

Luckily it’s short. It took me three days to read it as is because I had to keep putting it away. I didn’t cry (since I have no soul), but it did mess with my head more than a little bit. It’s that powerful. It’s also a book that I think should be a required read in high school. Especially high schools of privileged children who will never have to worry about what is for dinner, where they will sleep, or wonder who will come crawling into their bed at night.

Now before I downward spiral myself into head-in-the-oven mode, let’s end on a good note . . .



Dear People Who Are Choosing The Next James Bond: If you don’t pick Idris Elba y’all can just . . .

Dirty Red by Tarryn Fisher

1 Star

 

Yep, I one-starred this sucker. Here’s what I need all you fangirls to do while I explain . . .



I really dug The Opportunist and made the rare exception of placing Book #2 on my TBR because the storyline peaked my curiosity. I admittedly HATE books in a series and rarely read past the first. The reason? Because there is always SO. MUCH. FILLER. There’s hardly ever enough material to produce three (or more) books – especially in the romance/NA/erotica/whateveryouwanttocallthem genres. Buuuuuuuuut, when a book fairy gifts you a book in order for you to take the hit so she doesn’t have to, there’s kinda no choice but to read Book #2. Guess what I found????



The Opportunist worked for me because #1 it was different (even with the tired trope of accident induced amnesia), #2 Olivia was an unlikable character, but you weren’t supposed to like her (at best she would end up as the lesser of two evils), and #3 Tarryn Fisher is bad at romance in the best way possible. I too am bad at romance, and that is why I want to spend hours braiding her raven locks love reading her stories. Sadly, Dirty Red was the book of filler/throw everything at the wall and see what might stick. There was the re-hashing of The Opportunist’s story, there were “twists,” there was the “character development” (I use that term in the loosest manner possible) of Big Red herself . . .



However, this book wasn’t necessary at all. Big Red was soooooo one dimensional that it became pretty clear even the author wasn’t that interested in her story. And Caleb? Nothing like getting to know someone deeper than surface level only to discover you want to smack that bitch . . .



All that being said, I’m still gonna read #3. Because Tarryn Fisher has me caught up like a fish on a damn hook and I just have to find out where all this ends up . . .

“Love is illogical. You fall into it like a manhole. Then you’re just stuck. You die in love more than you live in love.”

And speaking of fish – looky looky . . .



This is Billy Bass, a/k/a the only guy in my house that might be able to drink me under the table. Many thanks to my fellow connoisseur of fine brews JaHy for this book hookup. Your selection ended up being the perfect excuse for imbibing in a couple of grown-up root beers.