Tuesday, September 19, 2017

This Is War Baby by K. Webster


28094098
5 Stars

When I first saw this over on NetGalley about 124 years ago, I reeeeaaaallllyyyyy wanted it – mainly because the title made me think it was going to be this type of story . . . .



Per usual, I was late to the party and by the time I went to request a copy it had gone poof in the night. Then a couple of my friends read it and not only proved that my brain is a complete and utter failure because this was most def NOT a Mr. and Mrs. Smith revamp, but that there also included an unreadable part featuring a garden vegetable. But I ain’t skeered. I’m just like this cat . . . .



And now that I finished????



Ha! I keed. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to cucumbers now.

Seriously though. I kinda almost want to give this 5 Stars . . . .



I mean, it was just soooooo bad that it was good. From “slurpy” oral sex to awful smexytalk like such . . . .

“I want to make you orgasm over and over again just to see the look on your face.”

This was a trainwreck I couldn’t pry my eyes from and my reading experience was pretty much the equivalent of . . . . . .



Aside from cucumber butt play and really bad dialogue, you’re probably wondering what War and Peace was even about. Well, pull up a chair and get comfy ‘cause it was pretty much about ERRRRRYTHING and I’m going to SPOIL THE CRAP OUT OF IT FOR YOU. Still here? Okay, let’s do this.

It all starts with Baylee getting some slurp done on her hoo by her boyfriend who can’t seem to locate the little man in the boat (probably because he’s so drooly) when a masked man barges in the room, knocks ol’ Moral Oral out and snatches (hehehe snatch) Baylee off to a cabin in the woods. Once unmasked, she discovers the kidnapper is none other than the neighbor fella she has always thought was kinda hot. Neighbor fella thinks the same of Baylee, but he also needs some money so he plans on selling Baylee to a sex ring and then kidnapping her back. But first (!!!!) he has to “train” her . . . . .



And don’t you know that ho has one of those daggum “traitorous bodies” that makes her have an O-Face even when she’s getting pounded like a nail by a super raper. Soon her two weeks of schooling is over and she finds herself auctioned off to the highest bidder . . . .

“You are never allowed to touch me. Ever. Are we clear?”

And I was like: OH HEY THERE WEIRDO!!!!



Apparently he just wants a companion and Baylee is willing to stay if “War” will help grease some palms and get her momma a new kidney on the black market or whatever means is necessary to keep her from croaking. But you know they is going to road trip to pound town too!

(Oh, and in case you’re wondering “War” isn’t some post-zombie-apocalypse name or some shit. It’s just short for Warren – which if you are cool at all you will automatically associate with . . . . .


#RexManningDay)

Back to our story. So Baylee and War finally do the bang bang, we find out the superbadawful that turned him into a superfreak, Cucumber Fan No. 1 shows back up right when I’m pretty sure [Baylee’s about ready to discover she’s preggers with his bebe kid (hide spoiler)] and then he [ TOTALLY SHOOTS WARREN!!!! (hide spoiler)]. Fade to black. Cliffy ending. BWAHAHAHAHA SO LAME! I LOVE IT!

By the end I was totally channeling my inner Dino Jess . . . . .



There aren’t enough thank yous in the world to offer up to my book fairy for this one. YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!

Fuck it. I’m giving it 5 Stars. Suck it, haters.

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