Oh, and to the author of the speshul snowflake that has accumulated a whopping seven reviews on Amazon and an even more impressive six on Goodreads . . . .
Now that that’s out of the way let’s talk about the book, shall we?
As most of you know I am an oldie (but a goodie) and also a reality television aficionado. Therefore I was present for Amy Schumer’s debut on Last Comic Standing and was even informed by a co-worker that I would probably burn in hell for belly laughing at the following joke from that show . . .
This old woman on the subway asked me, “Have you heard the good news?” She was trying to save me. I said, “Ma’am, I’m so sorry. My people are Jewish.” She said, “That’s okay, your people just haven’t found Jesus yet.” I said, “No, we found him. Maybe you haven’t heard the bad news.”
Schumer went on to be not-quite-so-funny in later episodes (winding up in 4th place), but she was also a fetus who was pretty obviously cast to fill the “cute young female” demographic required in all reality T.V. competitions. After her loss, she pounded the pavement and ran the gamut of comedy clubs (many of them “pay to play”) in order to hone her craft. And now she wrote a book . . . because that’s how it do what it do when you reach a certain level of fame as a comedian.
Amy’s book is a little different. If you liked Lena Dunham’s book (well, you know before the world collectively lost its shit about her looking at her sister’s vag) you might like this one as well. Have no fear, Schumer does not admit to being a pedophile – she just insults the entire population of Tampa instead. She is, however, another voice for young women . . . but I’ll get back to that.
As a lady of a certain age, I don’t go looking for my feminism in a raunchy comic’s autobiography. Thus the 3 Stars. I like Schumer because she tells a lot of vagina jokes and she writes catchy little diddies that you can sometimes find me singing while folding laundry or doing dishes . . . .
♪♫this is where my poop comes out♪♫
I was expecting her to make me laugh with stories about her sex life. Which she did . . . .
“I was in heat, as they say. Who says this? I don’t know. Shut up and keep reading about my getting pummeled by this British superhero.”
I also expected her to make me laugh with self-deprecating statements regarding her looks. Which she did . . .
“. . . who resemble that eighties doll Kid Sister or one of the Garbage Pail Kids.”
^^^^Hehehehehehehe. She totally effing does.
And I expected more self-deprecating stories regarding her not-model-perfect body. Which she did (in the form of footnotes attached to her journal from when she was 18) . . . .
JOURNAL ENTRY: “I wore this tube shirt from Zara that ties in the back.”
FOOTNOTE: “I remember this shirt. It was made of wool and thin brown leather straps with three ties in the back. It was insanely itchy and gave me a rash all over my body. It looked like what a poor commoner who gets raped by a soldier on Game of Thrones would wear. It was too short, so my belly stuck out, and I had no waist and was shaped very much like an old-timey radio, which I must have wanted to accentuate.”
It being the age of the interwebs I even expected her to make me laugh with comments about trolls. Which she did . . .
UNDER THE CHAPTER “THINGS THAT MAKE ME INSANELY FURIOUS” - #7. People who misspell the word “you’re” when telling me I’m fat (“your fat”).
Due to the fact that she’s one of the biggest up-and-comers in female comedy, I expected her to take a stance on the never ending “women aren’t funny” attitude. Which she did . . .
“I don’t usually like female comics.” That one really gets to me. It’s not like anyone would so casually say, “I don’t usually like black people.” Either way, it’s offensive to say this to a female comic. And let me guess, you’ve only ever seen one female comic in your life and it was in the eighties and guess what? You probably fucking loved her.”
Seriously dudes. Get over it. No one forces you to watch Trainwreck or the Ghostbusters remake (or to spend your entire fucking life trolling Reddit, for that matter). Doing this shit just makes you look . . . .
Obviously I expected her to tell the story about the infamous lower back tattoo. Which she did . . .
“When I say it killed, no, it fucking KILLED. It was like being stung by a thousand bees every second, or dozens of tracker jackers for all of you young-adult fiction fans.”
I expected her to open up and confess some things the general public might not know about her. Which she did in the form of admitting she’s an introvert . . . .
As well as a couple of kind of terrifying tales of being a blackout drunk . . . .
He said, “Amy, we each get two pillows,” to which I elegantly responded, “Not tonight, motherfucker!” Cue the Stevie Wonder song “Isn’t She Lovely.”
And I was stoked when I began the chapter “An Introduction to my Stuffed Animals.” Turns out her idea of “stuffed” is a little more traditional than mine, but she’s obviously still pretty fucked in the head just like me when it comes to the undead creatures she chooses to snuggle with . . . .
The parts I really hadn’t planned on were talk about rape and domestic violence. I realize I’m coldhearted, but I grab comedy books for the funny, not in yo’ face real life shit (which is why I always recommend David Spade's book when someone wants a ha-ha). However, I do realize the importance of famous young women being a voice for other young women. Surprisingly, Schumer does a pretty damn good job of it too . . . .
“I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I’ll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.”
And on that note . . .