Richard Castle's Deadly Storm by Brian Michael Bendis

4 Stars

 

Soooooo, I have to admit I knew zilch about this before requesting it. See, I just joined a new library that actually has some graphic novels in circulation so I started asking for anything by anyone I’d heard of before. I also live on Earth so I have heard of the television program Castle (but I’ve never watched it) . . .



No, you’re not even close yet pal. Okay, so it turns out Richard Castle is like an actual human who also writes the character Castle who himself is a writer and which the show is based on. Deadly Storm is NOT a “Castle” story (meaning the character) – heck, I guess it’s not even a “Castle” story (meaning the author) since Bendis really wrote it based off of Castle’s books . . .



Totally.

Now that THAT is all explained, what can I tell you about this volume? Well, lately it seems nothing ‘cause everybody wants to get all butthurt and cry “spoiler” on every stinking graphic novel review. If you’re the oversensitive sort, you probably should just stop reading. Still here? Good.

Alright, so the premise is this dude Storm is a P.I. who has been hired to find a “missing” husband. What he finds instead is a dude bumping uglies in the local trailer park. Then [spoilery stuff] happens which leads to Storm being hired on the D.L. by the C.I.A.

This one gets 4 Stars from me for one reason and one reason alone. Storm reminded me of Archer. Man I love Archer. Don’t believe me? Well, take a gander at the type of humor and the “voice” of Storm . . .



It was all very . . .



and it cracked me up.

I think this is one you’re either going to love or you’re going to hate. If you end up hating it? Well, then you can go ahead and . . .

Sugar by Deirdre Riordan Hall

4 Stars

 

“I’ve always been too much, and yet not enough.”



The next stop on the Kelly and Mitchell downward spiral of the most depressing reads ever is Sugar. ALL ABOARD!

If having a morbidly obese teenage MC didn’t already clue you in to the fact that this book wasn’t going to be all sunshine and daisies – add in a bedridden (but still abusive) mother, a lazy asshole of a brother, a father who went MIA umpteen some years ago, a house close to falling down around her, and a compulsive eating addiction so intense I wanted to stage an intervention for a fictional character . . .



Poor Sugar. Man was she dealt a shitty hand in life. At 17-years old she sees her future in the shape of her mother – a woman who has become so enormous she can’t get out of bed. Never in my life have I wished for a moment like this . . .



But sadly, Sugar’s story was not a happy one so I knew that probably wasn’t going to happen. In fact, Sugar’s only reprieve from her miserable existence is via needle and thread – sewing beautiful creations that she only dreams of wearing. When Even (yep, Even – don’t even [see what I did there?] get me started on YA names) moves to town, he offers Sugar something she’s never had before. Friendship . . . .



Sugar is one of those books that makes me glad I have never thrown in the towel on Young Adult novels. This is realistic YA. There is no instalove. There is no dystopia or fight to the finish type of battle. There’s just some amazing writing . . .

“Birds call craw, craw, urging me to go in deeper, to shut out the noise in my head, the whisper telling me that I’m hungry, starving, that I need to be full.”

and a heartbreaking life story . . .





ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

A Is For Alibi by Sue Grafton

1 Star

 

Two reviews in the same morning? I guess it’s your lucky day (ha-ha - NOT!). And just look at that bright and shiny 1 Star rating. That should be a sure fire way to earn me some new friends. If you’re not interested in reading through my reasons behind not liking this book, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of my reaction upon finishing . . .



So the long story of how I began my relationship with Kinsey Millhone at this late date is as follows: In general I am not a fan of books in a series. Added on to that fact, I already sold my soul broke my own rule for Janet Evanovich and her eleventy billion Plum stories. However, friends were constantly telling me if I liked Stephanie Plum, I was sure to simply looooove Kinsey (basically because Kinsey supposedly had her shit together and wouldn’t get kidnapped every 42 seconds). I kept fighting the good fight and said I wouldn’t begin reading these books until I found “A” in hardback for wicked cheap. Well, I found A-F for a buck each and when Ed said he (and Mrs. Ed) were in for a buddy read I figured what the hell – even if I ended up hating the book I’d be entertained through the process.

My rating started out at a solid 3 Stars (which is about as good as it gets from me when it comes to a light mystery like this). The premise was familiar, but still A-Okay in my book: Nikki is a recently-released-from-prison convicted murderer who shows up seeking Kinsey’s help in order to find the true killer of her philandering husband. Kinsey takes the case and starts tracking down the various ex-Mrs. Fife’s in order to piece part the crime together. It was all very . . .



and I was digging it.

“He was like some old tomcat, always sniffin’ around the same back porch.”

By the halfway point, though, I was really starting to struggle. There was just SO. MUCH. FILLER. This book could have easily been cut in half. Here are some examples (nickel’s worth of free advice – drink a 5 Hour Energy before reading these quotes):

“The interior was done with polished uneven red-tile flooring, mirrors floor to ceiling, and panels of raw gray wood, hung here and there with clusters of dried corn.”

“The roof was nearly flat, peppered with rocks, the iron railings sending streaks of rust down the sides of the building. The landscaping was rock and yucca and cactus plants.”



Oh, and I can’t forget all of the jogging:

“I jogged south on Wilshire, just for variety, cutting across to San Vicente at Twenty-sixth Street.”



And if Kinsey is supposed to have her s*&^ together, then why is she the dumbest broad EVER?!?!?! I mean, do y’all remember what happens in this book????



I had been sitting at 2 Stars, but that ending? HELL NAH! 1 Star it is. I mean, I thought I had the whodunit it figured out right away, but I kept trying to convince myself I was wrong. I just had to be wrong. Sadly I wasn’t. As for the rest of this series? Well, it can . . .



Men authors get grief all the time for not writing quality women characters. Ms. Grafton should be forced to wear the cone of shame for eternity for writing someone as stupid as Kinsey. Give me back my Plum novels. At least she knows she’s an idiot. Throw in some Hiassen for more guffaws, some Leonard in order to obtain some cool points, and some Lehane when I need some grit and I think I can easily live without ever taking another gander at a Kinsey Millhone mystery.

Selfish by Kim Kardashian West

1 Star

 

Mitchell double-dog-dared me to re-create the cover wearing my Genie™ bra. I declined. Then he called me a pu$$y and said he’d just do it himself : (



You know, I can’t fault a person for wanting to cash in on their f-ing eternal fifteen minutes of fame, but a selfie book????



Seriously.

Now that’s not to say I don’t recognize the power of the selfie. Hell, even the President likes to whip out his selfie stick errrry once in awhile . . .


(^^^See husband, even Obama has a G.D. selfie stick!!!!)

But what kind of narcissist thinks that their fans will line up in order to purchase this pitcherbook? (Please don’t consider that an invitation. If you bought this book you probably don’t belong anywhere near my review space.)  I’m annoyed that my library bought this, but doesn’t have half of the books I request. And also, for the following claim to be made . . .

Kim has mastered the art of taking flattering and highly personal photos of oneself.”

Are you sure about that? What’s up with these terrifying underdrawers???



They sure as shootin' aren't flattering!

I mean, DUH if we all had hair and make-up people to come work us over every morning we’d probably take hella good selfies too. Since I don’t have an entourage of beauty slaves I had to take some pointers straight from the book.

Kim encourages all amateur selfie takers to work with angles and frequently features a closed-eye/blowing kisses image . . .



Nailed it!

Mastering the pout is also highly recommended. Nothing says “sexy selfie” like a duckface kissable mouth . . .



Hannibal struggled with this one, but I love him anyway.

If all else fails, a bathroom shot is sure to be a winner . . . .



Dear Library, my sincerest apologies for what Mitchell did to that section of this book. Send me a bill and I will promptly get it paid.

Bottom line, if you’re a Kardashian super fan, you probably already own this book and are currently flipping through your contacts list in order to hire someone that would be willing to beat me with a selfie stick in some random park. For the rest of you? You’re not missing out on anything.

Aquarium by David Vann

4 Stars

 

“Origins. They don’t explain us, you know. They never do. Each of us is our own piece of work.”

When I read the premise of Aquarium I immediately decided it was most definitely NOT. FOR. ME. A 12-year old latchkey type of kid who spends her after school hours at the local aquarium and befriends an old man???? Uhhhhhh . . .



But damn this book was persistent. It would not stay off my feed. I finally decided to give it a go based on my buddy D.J.’s 5-Star review. (She’s waaaaaay nicer than me, but she’s still stingy with the handing out of all the stars.) She assured me the story would not go down the path I was trying to avoid, but that it was still extremely dark. Boy she wasn’t kidding . . .


(^^^Me getting skilleted by this book)

This sumbitch was HEAVY. If you’re like me and occasionally enjoy reading something that makes you think about how long you should stick your head in the oven or if you have enough rubber tubing to go from your exhaust pipe into your car window, this one might be a winner for you too. I’m not going to go into great detail about the plot because I think this is a book you need to read without any idea of what is to come. I’ll just say it’s the most depressing thing since . . . well, since this . . .



Yet somehow while you’re mired down in all of the gloom and darkness, there are glimpses of light and exquisite beauty . . .



that propel the reader through and offer some hope . . .

“We never know what will happen next, our lives unshaped.”

One final thing that deserves mentioning before I end this rambling mess of a review: I’ve spent a lot of time on Goodreads seeing warnings about triggers and have always tried to post the same – but believing I did not have any of my own. Until I read Aquarium, that is . . .



This book took me to a place I don’t want to go back to. Ever. And yet I still loved it. I encourage you to branch out of your comfort zone and give David Vann’s beautiful book a try. Just go in with the knowledge that you might need to cry, or drink a bottle of wine, or lock yourself in your bedroom for a bit until the roller coaster of emotions subsides.

Not If I See You First by Eric Lindstrom

2 Stars

 

I’m always on the lookout for YA books with a fresh approach. When Not If I See You First popped up, I thought maybe it would be something special. I appreciated that the blurb clearly pointed out there was potential for some romance in the storyline, and the double-bonus was it was clear that Parker would be going through some grown-up stuff – mainly the fact that her father just died and that she is blind. Sadly, this book ended up being the same old tired out crap that leaves an old lady like me feeling kind of like . . .



Okay, I’ll be realistic. My reaction probably looks a little more like this . .



The problem? The MC was sooooooo unlikeable. She was such a selfish asshole, I just couldn’t route for her at all. In fact, I wished her BFF, or her cousin, or a frenemy, or someone would just . . .



Things that are awesome: Not judging a book by its cover – i.e., not giving a shit what color or size someone is or what kind of clothes they wear before becoming friends with them.

Things that make you an asshole: Not caring enough about your friends to know what color they are or their size or what kind of clothes they like to wear. These types of things come up in conversation without specific and/or insulting questions being asked. You should know your friend is a bit chubby because she has made some sort of comment about it – NOT because she “breathes weird” sometimes. Same regarding clothing. A friend who wears sweatpants every day will probably mention while on the phone/at school/somewhere that she can’t wait to get out of her tight blue jeans.

Not knowing much of anything about your supposed friends after an accident made you blind almost 10 YEARS AGO is definitely NOT their fault.

Of course there was a redemption arc at some point, but in the immortal words of one Roger Murtaugh – “I’m getting too old for this shit.” There’s enough assholery in my day-to-day life, I just don’t have the patience to tolerate it in my fiction at this point. To the target demographic – you’ll probably like this one just fine. As for me? I’ll keep trying, because there are some amazing YA books constantly being released.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!

Wicked Charms by Janet Evanovich and Phoef Sutton

3 Stars

 

THIS ONE IS GOING TO CONTAIN A LOT OF VULGAR GIFS. AFTER READING 1,473 EVANOVICH BOOKS, THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH LEFT IN THE TANK WHEN IT COMES TO REVIEWS. MY APOLOGIES.

If you’ve read/liked Janet E. books in the past, you should have plenty of fun with the Lizzy & Diesel series as well. The light mystery with a side of sexual tension format is the same as in her others . . . this one just adds an additional element to the mix . . .



Yep, Lizzy and Diesel are both “Unmentionables” who are sensitive to things that are otherworldly. It’s Diesel’s mission to find the seven Stones of Power before they end up in the wrong hands, and Lizzy just so happens to have a knack for finding missing items . . . especially magical ones. This time around one of the stones is mixed in with the lost treasure of “Peg Leg” Dazzle . . .



Can Lizzy and Diesel track it down before an evil want-to-be demon . . .



gets his hands on it????

As in all Evanovich books, the humor and supporting cast of characters really help to boost the enjoyment level. This time around you have faithful man servants . . .



aspiring pirates . . .



and, of course, Carl the monkey . . .


(Now with 72% more bird flipping. Win!)

There’s even a shout-out to a certain special someone that will give every loyal fan an “a-ha moment” . . .



Now that Phoef Sutton is on board as co-author, maybe these books will start getting churned out like the Stephanie Plum and Fox & O’Hare series. Which means I’ll never have time to read anything else ; )

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you, NetGalley!