The Job by Janet Evanovich and Lee Goldberg

3 Stars (maybe???  probably more like 2.5)

 

We’re back for Round 3 with Fox and O’Hare. The differences between this one and the first???? Well, I got this one for free because I’M AWESOOOOOOOOOOOME! (Well, okay – I got this one for free because I asked for it, but I like to tell myself it’s because I’m a special snowflake.)

The other difference?



Get the reference? Here, I’ll let The Lonely Island spell it out for you . . .



Yep, it takes place on a boat. If you’ve read the previous two Fox and O’Hare books (as well as the 14,726 Stephanie Plum books) you’re already aware that this book will follow the same format as its predecessors.

Things that work for me with this series? The “Ocean’s Eleven-ish” cast of characters (everyone from former military special ops members to thieves to actors), Fox’s proclivity to borrow the names of 1980s pop culture icons for his fake identities (juvenile, I know, but it still makes me chuckle), and the very few wasted pages (I appreciate that Evanovich, Goldberg, the editors, the publishers and whoever else it is that realize they are dealing with short attention spans when it comes to these novels).

The things that don’t work for me? The narrow focus on ONE plotline. The magic that makes the Stephanie Plum series so successful after all of these decades is the vast amount of capers that occur in each book. Knowing who the bad guy is, how they’re going to trick him, and where the bust is going to go down doesn’t make for real page-turning excitement. Also???? We’re three books in – that’s like the equivalent of 74 dates. Fox and O’Hare need to poop or get off the pot when it comes to the lovemaking.



That might be true, Ms. Evanovich and Mr. Goldberg . . . but BARELY.

Bottom line? If you like Evanovich, you’ll like this one just fine but it won’t change your life.

ARC received from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. 

Thank you NetGalley!!!

Lunar Park by Brett Easton Ellis

4 Stars

 

“You dream a book, and sometimes the dream comes true. When you give up life for fiction you become a character.”
What is Lunar Park???? Brett Easton Ellis claims it to be his homage to Stephen King (and you will see later in this review that it did indeed bring to mind one particular King character) – but when I really need to break it down to basics I’m going with Lunar Park is what would happen if American Psycho and Fight Club and The Amityville Horror and Cujo all had a baby.

This book is Ellis’ “memoir,” if you will. The story begins with a review of his quick rise to the A-List with the release of Less Than Zero and follows with the recognition of the almost immediate downward spiral that came with that success and which Ellis found himself looping through for years.

Ellis takes ownership that American Psycho was a sort of “beginning of the end” with respect to his mental state. For the haters of American Psycho, he issues an apology of sorts:

“I was not about to put myself through that experience again – of revisiting Patrick Bateman . . . Exploring that kind of violence had been “interesting” and “exciting” and it was all “metaphorical” anyway – at least to me at that moment in my life, when I was young and pissed off and had not yet grasped my own mortality, a time when physical pain and real suffering held no meaning for me.”

For the lovers of American Psycho (a/k/a MEEEEEEEEEE!) Ellis confirms the argument we’ve been making about the book for eons:

“The murders and torture were in fact fantasies fueled by [Patrick Bateman's] rage and fury about how life in America was structured and how this had – no matter the size of his wealth – trapped him. The fantasies were an escape. This was the book’s thesis. It was about society and manners and mores, and not about cutting up women. How could anyone who read the book not see this?”

Ha! Take that suckers!

Once Ellis is done summarizing his past, he takes us to the near present. Now attempting life as a (not so) straightlaced married man and father of two, Ellis lives in the ‘burbs of the upper East coast and is starting a new novel (which, from its description, sounds more like Chuck Palahniuk’s latest). Ellis knew it would be a struggle to go from ultimate sinner to wanna-be saint, but he had no idea what ghosts would come back to haunt him – morphing Lunar Park from a “Where Are They Now???? to a tale of true horror.

“I was living in a movie, in a novel, an idiot’s dream that someone else was writing, and I was becoming amazed – dazzled – by my dissolution.”

If you want a book that comes out of the gate revving its engines and raring to go, Lunar Park probably isn’t what you’re after. However, if you want a slow burn that is the reading equivalent of a full course meal, I highly recommend this one. Ellis proves that when you get rid of all the hype and hoopla surrounding his books, he is above all else a master wordsmith. I was glued to this one to the last page and delighted in trying to figure out “who was the bad guy.”

Was it a ghost?



Patrick Bateman??



The author himself???



Or could it be the most horrific creature of all . . . the FURBY?!?!?!?!?!



You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out.

My endless thanks go to Snotchocheez for the recommendation. You did good!

Bird Box by Josh Malerman

 

3.5 Stars



I hope not, ‘cause that’s how you’re going to be living out the rest of your days. The world as we knew it no longer exists. First, the people started dying – then the internet, phones, power, and water systems all went down. Then we all learned to barricade our doors, cover our windows, and stop going outside except when absolutely necessary. Of course, when obtaining water means venturing down to the creek behind your house – you find yourself outside A LOT. No matter what you do, you must wear your blindfold and never look at what is waiting outside your doors . . .



Malorie has lived this lifestyle for years and has raised her children the same way. Always blindfolded, always terrified, always knowing there is something waiting outside. Until one day, it was no longer outside . . .



Now Malorie and the children must risk everything in order to make it to a potential safe haven that may or may not exist.

Bird Box is the embodiment of a psychological horror – because all the horror you experience is going to be created in your own head. You will (literally) never be able to see the bad guy coming, because the character remain blindfolded the entire book. Any time you find yourself losing your cool, it will be because your brain thinks is hilarious to f*&^ around with you.



Per usual, the only thing I knew about this book before starting was that a lot of people were reading it all of a sudden. What do I think now that I’m finished??? What a debut! So many times I find the “super bad awful” in horror novels to be extremely lackluster – never knowing who (or what) the transgressor might be was a very effective approach. My brain kept telling me that EVERYONE was the bad guy and I found myself on the edge of my seat during several pivotal scenes. I look forward to reading more by Josh Malerman.  

The Truth About Alice by Jennifer Mathieu

4 Stars

 

This review is brought to you by the television program Awkward. My apologies, but I watched about 47 episodes in a row last night and it does a pretty dang good job presenting awful teenagers. Also, this book almost made me have a sad so I don’t want to go there again.

Everyone knows Alice is a slut. I mean, only a slut would go to a party and have sex with not one but TWO guys in the same night. And it’s not like she doesn’t paint her lips all raspberry red every day and wear shirts that flaunt her perfect rack, right? Nice girls don’t do that. And nice girls definitely don’t “sext” a boy trying to get another roll in the sack – sending so many distracting messages that the boy ends up dying in a car accident. Alice is a whore and she deserves whatever she gets.

Alice may or may not have had sex with one (or two) guys at a party. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is Elaine was always the H.B.I.C. until 8th grade when she caught Alice making out with her boyfriend, Brandon. Ever since then Elaine has known what kind of a ho she was dealing with. And it’s time the entire school knows . . .



When Kelsie moved to the area a few years ago she was afraid she would find herself still a nerd, sitting at the losers table. She was sooooo lucky when Alice talked to her that first day. But, Alice has lied about sex stuff in the past and there is no way that Kelsie is EVER going back to being a no-name, bible thumping, weirdo like at her old school. Plus, Alice probably did do both of those guys . . .



Brandon was the big man on campus with a reputation for being the best player both on and off the field. Sucks that he’s dead, but at least he went out with a bang, right????



Brandon died, but Josh walked away from the accident with only minor injuries. It’s not like he knew how wasted Brandon was. I mean, in Healy, Texas drinking and driving is pretty much the norm. And if Brandon hadn’t been so caught up with that skank Alice it never would have happened . . .



Everyone else has labeled Alice a slut and most are even calling her a murderer. The other day she told Kurt she wasn’t a sideshow attraction. “And she wasn’t. Not to me. She was the main attraction. But I had no way to tell her that” . . .



Alice has nothing to say about the rumors. What’s the point? All she can do is countdown until graduation and hopefully find a way to escape . . .



Sound familiar? Have you heard teenage girls (and boys) talk like this? Have you seen text conversations that could curl your hair? Have you looked on Facebook or Instagram lately? It’s terrifying. The Truth About Alice is a remarkable little book. Although it deals with extremely grown-up issues, I encourage parents to read it along with their children (or at least discuss the subject matter it’s about).

I started this book with zero expectations. In fact, I didn’t even remember what it was about – I had put my name on the waiting list back when it came out and it finally queued up. When I ended up with a free couple of hours and a 200 page book, it was a no brainer. I was blown away. Jennifer Mathieu has written the most honest book about real “slut shaming” that I’ve read – and having everyone else EXCEPT Alice tell the story? Genius. 

Yes Please by Amy Poehler

4 Stars

Good Christ – just obtaining a library copy of this f*&^%$g book was like going on one of karen’s adventures. After my third trek down to the local bibliotheca, I finally had success.



Look at the happy!

You’re probably asking yourself “if she’s such a Poehler fangirl, why didn’t she just go to the B&N and grab herself a copy????” Well, you see … I am cheap.

Yes Please also wasn’t getting real stellar ratings and reviews so I decided to err on the side of caution. Turns out reading a synopsis can be really helpful sometimes. You see, the blip pretty much lays it right out there that is a book containing “real life advice” and “words to live by.” If you’re expecting another Bossy Pants or Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, you aren’t going to find it here.



Yeah, I know. Here’s some helpful advice from Amy herself:



It took me a loooooooonnnnnnng time (like half the book) to wrap my brain around the fact that the belly laughs were going to be few and far between, but once I did, I was able to enjoy Yes Please for what it was . . . a book of the dos and don’ts/successes and failures that made Amy Poehler who she is today.

If you’re a young puppy whose experiences in the world of Poehler revolve around maybe seeing a couple of Weekend Update reruns or watching the Golden Globes, you’re probably going to be super disappointed in this book and quickly realize this about Amy Poehler:



On the other hand, if you are a crazy fangirl who has followed her career since waaaay back in the days of the Upright Citizens Brigade and her break into fame in the comedy classic “Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigalow” (see first .gif above) like me, you’re still gonna like it.

Amy Poehler has been one of my imaginary BFFs for over 15 years now. She’s made me laugh ‘til I cried more times than I can count and brought constant funny to her term on SNL. She was she a breakout star from her first appearance



and continued to deliver until her final episode



(After which she left to make “Parks and Recreation” – a show I feel will go down in the history books as one of the best of all time).

Amy Poehler is who I want to be when I grow up. Not only has she performed in some of the funniest skits on television:


(she writes about this one in the book and just thinking about it made me almost wet myself)

Not only does she have the BEST friends in the universe (Tina Fey and Seth Meyers in case you live under a bridge somewhere) and not only has she totally humped Justin Timberlake on stage, but she has proved time and again that



She offers simple yet awesome advice in Yes Please. Stuff like “The talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.”She reminds us all that in order to achieve success, hard work should be expected, but also realizes how lucky she was to be one of the people whose career and passion were one and the same. For the rest of us who aren’t so lucky, Poehler encourages us to keep listening to that little voice inside ourselves that says “I like this. Do this again. You are good at it.” This book was one giant "love cookie" so I'm giving it 4 Stars (while realizing it would more than likely receive 2 Stars max were it not written by Amy Poehler).

For those of you who end up not liking this book, I think Amy would probably say



But if you do happen to find yourself more than a little disappointed in your feelings about Yes Please, might I recommend to drown your sorrows Leslie Knope style . . .



And if that doesn’t work, the surefire cure for any ailment is . . .

MORE COWBELL!

Donners of the Dead by Karina Halle

2 Stars

 

WARNING: I AM GOING TO STRAIGHT UP SAY WHAT THE BAD/SCARY/KILLY THING IS IN THIS STORY – CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. HOWEVER, MS. HALE FLAT OUT SAYS IT HERSELF IN THE SYNOPSIS CONTAINED ON AMAZON, SO IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT A SPOILER, ALSO, THE TITLE???? I’M PRETTY SURE MOST OF Y’ALL ARE BRIGHT ENOUGH TO HAVE FIGURED IT OUT ON YOUR OWN ANYWAY.

I could say this was a case of “it’s not you, it’s me” when it came to this book . . . but I’m not going to. I picked Donners of the Dead up once it finally became free for me to do so. It had been on my TBR for quite some time (it’s got a goooooood title and premise, after all), but I was leery to read it because I usually fall on the complete opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to authors known for writing “New Adult.” I’ve dabbled in that genre a time or two and have found it to be really hit or miss for me. However, this book had a big ol’ disclaimer on Amazon saying it was definitely NOT New Adult. Too bad for me I didn’t check the smaller disclaimer contained on Goodreads that said it was a “horror romance.” WTF is a horror romance????

The whole idea behind the story is that a wagon train (following the same route as the Donner party from years before) has failed to reach its final destination. A relative of said party wants to find conclusive evidence of what happened to the missing pioneers and hires Eve Smith, a young half Native American girl known to be the best tracker in the area, to assist his group.

Okay, there’s the basic idea. Now, not only is this group on a quest to find a bunch of more-than-likely dead folks who were following the trail of another group of dead folks who had such a great journey they ended up EATING EACH OTHER, but they are also about to encounter some super scary bad guys . . .

What’s the obvious thing that should happen? If you’re thinking “those poor bastards better figure out how to nut up super quick in order to fight the undead or else they need to hightail it back to where they came from pronto,” well unfortunately you would be wrong. But if you’re thinking “Eve should totally act like a damsel in distress 99% of the time and focus on perchance hooking up with one of the sexy strangers who is a member of the search party and thank her lucky stars there aren’t bazillions of these creepers roaming around the woods so there’s plenty of time to chop off evil undead heads AND bump uglies,” then you’re right (and also super good at guessing storylines!). Me no likey : (

Oh and one other thing that needs to be mentioned about this plot – there must have been some serious backlash from people who called out the author on the racism contained in this book ‘cause there is a big paragraph explaining about the time/place/mindset/etc. Although I like to think that I would have stabbed every single one of these guys in the face were I in the same situation as Eve, if some fictional dumb broad wants to fall for a fella who spends the majority of the book referring to her status as an “Injun” (and other derogatory terms), that’s on her.

So yeah, obviously I’m not a fan of mixing my horror with romance and this one did not work for me. I can say, however, that Ms. Halle is not a terrible writer and I will probably give her another shot in the future.

Throttle by Joe Hill and Stephen King

4 Stars

 

If you’re a “Constant Reader” you should already be well aware of the fact that Stephen King knows how to do a story about a semi . . .




(and a vending machine – Ha! That scene still cracks me up)

What happens when you add a little Joe Hill to the mix? You get a motorcycle gang too . . .



It seems the Sons of Anarcy Tribe has found themselves in a bit of trouble and it just keeps escalating. After a failed attempt at creating a meth lab and an even bigger failure of collecting answers/money owed, the boys are hightailing their way across the Nevada desert. When they stop at a local diner to hash out their next move, their not-so-law-abiding conversation is overhead by a trucker, who then spends the next 20 miles trying to eliminate the gang one by one.

Talk about full throttle. This little story is the epitome of the term “action packed.” Not only does the chase pack a wallop, but the fleshing out of characters and them dealing with their inner demons in such a short tale is remarkable. Joe Hill and Stephen King writing together is the greatest combination to happen since someone’s chocolate fell into someone’s peanut butter.


(^^^^ERMAHGERD!)

Where was I? Oh yeah, this story I’m supposedly reviewing. Anyway, it’s short, it’s gross, it’s good and it’ll give you a little mindf*&^aroo at the end. I think this one could have received all 5 Stars from me if the dynamic duo of King and Hill had given it an extra 25 pages and let us into the world of not only the bikers, but also the semi driver . . .



And given the opportunity to present us with a complete book rather than a story???? I’m fairly certain they could have really twisted things around and had me routing for the bad guy : )



Oh, and because Anne dared me to find a way to put semi-naked men in my next three reviews I say CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!!



It even ties in with the whole biker theme. I’m amazing!!!!

Also, Praiz said she loves Jax and Opie and requested pics of both . . . Sidenote: I asked my husband about this ‘cause I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy and he said Opie is dead and has been dead for quite awhile. I don’t know about having a crush on a zombie motorcycle gang member (that seems extremely hazardous to your health), but I’m a giver ; )