Friday, July 29, 2016

Lick by Kylie Scott

3 Stars

“Let me get this straight, you don’t remember anything?”

“No,” I said, swallowing hard. “What did we do last night?”

“We got fucking married.”

I nearly crapped myself when I realized what Lick (stupid title is seriously effing stupid) was about . . . .

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Oh my glob how I love the woke up married to a stranger storyline. Then I found out the stranger in question was a sexy musician!!!!

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BWAHAHAHAHA! Good luck getting that image out of your head. Per usual, once I read “very attractive half-naked man” my brain said yes please and cast my perfect leading male . . . .

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Please note said leading male was actually a member of the long hair don’t care club, but long haired Leto just doesn’t do the same thing for me . . . .

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Because banging Jesus is probably a cardinal sin.

But I digress.

So the story here is that Evelyn goes to Vegas with her bestie for her 21st birthday and decides she’s gonna let her freak flag fly with a one-nighter . . .

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Things don’t go quite as planned, however, when she wakes up with her head in a toilet and a 5 carat rock on her left hand. Turns out baby married a rock-n-roller but doesn’t remember a diddly dang dong thing about it.

Then we enter the pretty typical for a romance category and somehow David the Rock God is totally down with the whole death do us part mumbo jumbo and pretty offended that his wife suffers from a severe case of CRS (that’s Can’t.Remember.Shit for all you classy mah fahs). Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, also in typical romance fashion there is a delay in the annulment process and the two fall in instalurv within a few days. And then of course . . . .


(view spoiler)

This was another story that ended up just being okay because of the aforementioned dramatic twist. The sex was pretty sexy – except when he wanted her to watch him while he went downtown. I can live without looking at my own lady garden getting tended thank you very little. It was also refreshingly realistic with respect to how a pretty inexperienced partner would handle her first few trips to Pound Town. But the best part of the whole thing? Mal. I already checked out his story from the library and . . . .

just thinking about it.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Hawke by Sawyer Bennett

3 Stars

As many of you know, I’ve gone from dipping my toe in the porny pool this summer to straight-up diving into the deep end. The one thing that hasn’t changed about my reading is that I remain an idiot. Shelby pushes Sawyer Bennett’s name on me all the time and really, with reviews like THIS one who the hell could resist???? Since I’m a moron, I failed to realize I’ve already read this author (and liked it), but I also own a couple of her other books. The experts are right, you can’t fix stupid.

The premise of this one is that Hawke and Vale were like a Katy Perry song and living a real teenage dream of booze and sex back in the day. When Hawke got called up for a chance at the hockey bigs, Vale broke it off. Fast forward to the present and Vale walking back into Hawke’s life – this time as an assistant trainer to the hockey team. You know what happens next, right????

Ha! I keed. Of course they bang . . . well, eventually. It’s a romance so they have to go through all the angsty bullcrap and backstory first, but then . . . .

Hawke was just aiiiiiiiight for me. Let me ‘splain myself so you can decide if I read it wrong (spoiler alert: I probably read it wrong).

#1. I like sporty porns okay, but hockey is not my go-to when I’m thinking of a super smexified leading male. My brain immediately wants to picture things like this . . . .

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, there is an exception to every rule and the piercing blue eyes and beardy faced description helped me work through this issue . . .

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#2. The tired trope was weak with this one, young Skywalker. I am very much a fan of the worn out storyline . . . if it’s one I like. One I can barely tolerate is the “we broke up and never talked to the other again, but it was the other person’s fault and since we are infantile we never bothered having one mothereffing conversation that could clear the entire mess up and lead us to happily ever after and even after we start banging again we are fucking idiots who don’t communicate” and FFS!!!!!!!!

#3. The failed alpha male. Now I don’t get offended by some dude pulling alpha and trying to get a little tongue without having a consent form signed in triplicate, but I don’t really get turned on by it either. That being said, if you’re gonna go there, go there. Getting all emo and . . .

is not acceptable.

#4. Hawke was pretty hot with the actual smexies, but sadly it takes but a word for me to lose my potential O face. This time the word was keening. To quote the immortal Inigo Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Keening makes me think of a noise made from grief, not from ecstasy. Either that or . . .

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Either way, it’s a no-go when it comes to my husband’s chances of getting some lovin’ (good thing he was out of town when I read this one so he has no disappoint).

Bottom line is this wasn’t the worst so I’ll give it my standard 3 Stars and let y’all decide whether to read it or not. As for me, I’ll continue with my quest for the perfect romance . . .

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Deadpool: Dracula's Gauntlet by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Reilly Brown, Scott Koblish

4 Stars

In what may be the most epic of all fails of 2016, Jeff and I had planned on reading Don’t Call It A Team Up about eleventeen weeks ago. First his library failed, then some sonofabitchindregofsocietyasshatmothereffer snagged my copy off the hold shelf. Supposedly it’s almost my turn at another library, but in the interim this one queued up. Go read Jeff's review right here and pretend this was a buddy-up too. And to Jeff, here is a photo of adorable Deadpool and his hobby horse in front of a TARDIS . . . .

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You’re welcome.

Now let’s get on with the show. Wade Wilson has one job – to go to the old world, pick up Dracula’s bride and deliver her in time for the wedding. But y’all know how the old saying goes . . .

Or a succubus.

It doesn’t take long for the poo to hit the fan and a straight up Monster Mash to commence. We’re talking everyone makes an appearance – from Frankenstein to the Werewolf to . . . evil muppets????

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Each who checks in with a mini bio featuring their stats as well as weapon of choice . . .

(^^^^Best video in the history of the universe.)

I mean errrrrrrrybody checks in . . . .

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With help from some special friends like . . . .

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And also HAIL HYDRA! maybe Deadpool can save the day and possibly even get the girl.

So this Deadpool selection had something I haven’t seen in my previous Deadpool reading experiences – a continual storyline throughout the entire volume. It confirmed that Posehn is a comic genius and that there’s no such thing as too many fart jokes . . .

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And even though Dracula kind of looked like this guy rather than the Prince of Darkness (all hail Ozzy Osbourne) . . .

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Much appreciated quips were about Squirrel Girl and Deadpool’s rumored sex life, digs at Spiderman’s propensity for instalove as well as . . .

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Ahhhhh, the sparky vampire joke. It never ceases to deliver on the hardy-hars . . .

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NO! NO, HE DOES NOT! Now quit asking.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Stroked by Meghan Quinn

4 Stars

Oh, there’s a Meghan Quinn book available to review????


Being the red-blooded ‘Murican I am, I was totally down for a real patriotic type of read – especially one about a swimmer turned reality television star and his quest for gold in the Rio Olympics . . .

Yeah yeah yeah I know. Divers aren’t swimmers but seriously tomato tomahto when it comes to gifs. After all, they both wear Speedos and Tom Daley is totes farking adorbs.

Okay, on with the book. This is the story of Paisley (WTF with these stupid ass names in romance novels, right????? I feel ya). An unfortunate hot mic incident that went viral left Paisley unemployed and blacklisted with every production crew in Hollywood. Well, all but one.

Introducing Bellini . . .

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She’s famous for doing . . . well nothing really except spending her father’s money. Her father is famous for??? A “near-death experience of being brutally humped by Orson, the demon pig” (no relation to Mitchell).

Paisley’s shot at getting her foot back in the door is as Bellini’s PA on her new reality show, which she co-stars in with her boyfriend, legendary Olympian but never gold medalist Reese . . .

“What is a girl supposed to say to the Sexiest Man Alive? Thank you, please come over and impregnate me so I can be attached to you forever, stroke you whenever I want, and lick your nipples just because I feel like it? Might be a little aggressive.”

Now if you’re worrying about a love triangle angle, have no fear. Reese and Bellini’s relationship is 100% sham. Reese and Paisley, on the other hand . . . .

“You’re fucking sexy when you moan like that. We should try it out in bed some time.”

“Reese!” I hiss, leaning forward and scanning the place to see if anyone can hear our conversation. “I’m your assistant.”

He shrugs. “Technicality.”

Thank Tom Cruise they eliminate that technicality . . .

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Okay, so this was marketed as a “Rom Com” and it was . . . kinda. It just wasn’t as funny as The Mother Road. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, the sex???

“A couple of things I learned last night: Reese likes to talk dirty, which is a major turn on. He is also very demanding in the bedroom.”

So good. Soooooo sooooooooooooooooooo good.

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It also helped that Reese was a “bad boy” swimmer which in porno world means . . .

“He’s dark, mysterious, sports a beard right up until competition where he shaves it before getting in the pool.”

And since I had just watched 13 Hours (looky me reading all smart books and shit) he was immediately pictured as . . . .

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Yep, I just admitted I watched a movie about some horrible event and got a lady boner off of John Krasinsky’s ripped abs, beard and chest hair. God bless America!

Anyway, as with most errrrrrything I’ve read by Meghan Quinn I recommend this one . . .

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She just doesn’t know it yet.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Monday, July 25, 2016

The Never-Open Desert Diner by James Anderson

3.5 Stars

The amount of ratings on Goodreads combined with my own experience reading The Never-Open Desert Diner has me thinking the marketing for this book failed epically. Here’s my advice to anyone sitting on the fence about this one. Don’t read the synopsis and ignore the “mystery” moniker and you will probably have a fine time.

While there was a bit of mystery to be unraveled, readers specifically looking for a mystery novel might find themselves disappointed. For me the mystery was an interesting addition, but it was pretty easy to figure out. The driving force behind this story was the ensemble cast of characters that reminded me of another quirky location I used to enjoy visiting . . . .

So you can choose to read the blurbs and find out what is the driving force that brings Ben and Claire and Walt and the Lacey Brothers and a pregnant teenager and a stranded motorist and a reality T.V. producer together, or you can just go with the flow and know that the truck driving main character is going to take you quite a ride . . .

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Maybe it was the fact that I was poolside while reading (or that I was poolside without children so I was able to read it cover to cover without interruption) that made me enjoy this so much. Or maybe it was simply the fact that I’ve read so many crummy books this year that the decent ones really stand out. Whatever the case, I’m fairly sure that The Never-Open Desert Diner is worthy of 3 Stars minimum, but since it took me on such a strange little trip my 3.5 is getting rounded up.

ARC provided by Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review.

Friday, July 22, 2016

The Pursuit by Janet Evanovich and Lee Goldberg

2 Stars

As I said just about a month ago . . . .

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Janet Evanovich has been a summertime fluffy nothing kind of fave for years now. I won’t go over the deets (yet again), just know that I’ve read errrrrrrything by her. Her books usually only take a couple of hours to get through due to their simplicity, and if you check out the paper versions you’ll notice that large font, wide margins and plenty of space in between lines not only make them easy on the eyes, but also probably contain about half the content of a normal 300 page book. The fact that The Pursuit took over two DAYS rather than two hours for me didn’t bode well . . . .

This series (although it had the trademark female lead and love/hate romance along with action and adventure) started off well for me and I got a kick out of the supporting cast of characters. The Pursuit began right in the middle of an adrenaline rush – Nick in a coffin, kidnapped by a diamond thief with plans of partnering up. While Kate rushes in to save the day, the two learn that Dragan the crook has much more nefarious plan in mind – and also that he owns a limoncello company which made me go . . . .

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You’d think between the diamond heisting and other heisting this would have been a real thrill-ride. Instead, it probably contained about 50 pages of actual story and the remainder was nothing but descriptions of the various locales they were visiting . . .

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I’m not stupid enough to say I’m done reading Evanovich (especially when I keep getting them for not only zero dollars, but zero effort of hauling my lard butt down to the library either). However, the magic was definitely missing from this one . . .

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Paper Girls by Brian K. Vaughan, Cliff Chiang and Matthew Wilson illustrators

1 Star

Boy, this one had A LOT of stuff going on. Buckle up, kids, and I’ll take you on a crazy acid trip explain things . . . sort of.

Our story begins in the wee hours of Halloween when noob Erin is being accosted by local hooligan Freddie Krueger while attempting to complete her paper route. Luckily for Erin, the other paper girls have already hit the streets and appear just in time to save the day. Not so lucky is the first impression presented . . .

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Uh. Yeah.

So anyfarts, the girls make their escape and immediately run into another while attempting to divide and conquer the paper delivery. While attempting to get payback on the thugs responsible, they instead find something they really weren’t expecting . . .

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Once again they narrowly get away and finally come face to face with the potential bad guys who look an awful lot like this fella when their masks are removed . . .

We then discover the key to solving the entire WTFery that has been going on might be in a tiny little device with the logo of a bitten apple on it . . .

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But wait, that’s not all. No, there are DINOSAURS added to the mix next. Y’all know there’s only room in my heart for one dinosaur story . . .

(Thank you to EVERYONE who has sent me this gif. I finally had a chance to use it.)

There’s also aliens who speak some form of hipsterish Shakespearean throwback/fastforward language that had me all . . .

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As well as another dude who bore a striking resemblance to . . .

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Not to mention the bizarre dream sequences starring folks like The Gipper . . .

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Since I’m stupid it took me awhile to figure out this was a Throwback Thursday selection. I thought Mac was just a homophobic asshole with her remarks (and she was), but supposedly it was the language of the time (and sadly it was) so it was used in that one frame. Eventually with various Dukakis references and a shout-out to one of my all-time faves . . .

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I was able to put two and two together. It still didn’t make this any less of a hot mess, however. I debated giving this 2 Stars but this is the dude who wrote Saga FFS. There's no excuse for this one.

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you, NetGalley!